Losing You

by Corina Eichholz

  “Amazing,” I said sharing the feeling. “We played badminton and then talked a lot,” I filled them in.

  “Oh sweetheart, you don’t know how happy that makes me,” mom said softly, her green eyes shinning. “You have to have her over for dinner!” she exclaimed. I gulped nervously. The rest of the night went great, everyone was in a good mood and happy. For once, I couldn’t wait for the next day.

  Michaela

  “What the fuck was James doing here?” Gert asked angrily, breaking the silence at our dinner table.

  “Gertrude!” Alyssa exclaimed.

  “Sorry mom, what the hell was he doing in your room with you?” she asked again, everyone stared at me, all curious now.

  “We were just talking and listening to music, the usual.” I smiled, feeling better than I had felt in a long time and nothing could ruin it.

  “The usual?” Gert asked both incredulous and furiously.

  “Yeah, the usual. Just because mine is different from yours: sleeping with the football team, doesn’t make mine any less important.” They all stared at me in shock.

  “Michaela!” Alyssa said finally getting the words out of her mouth and still managing to mispronounce my name. But it didn’t piss me off like usual, I was in too good of a mood. Paix laughed out loud and got a death glare from both Gert and Alyssa.

  “You know what I’m out of here, I’ve had enough of you,” Gert shouted, throwing back her chair and leaving the room.

  “Where are you going?” Alyssa asked, calm and unmoving. Gert didn’t answer but Alyssa seemed unfazed and continued cutting her chicken smaller and smaller.

  That night the euphoria started to die down and I began to think clearly. Did James mean it? And even if he did, would he break his promise to me again? Would he leave me? Because if he did, I didn’t know if I’d be able to go through this again, it was already so hard the last time, it was like part of me had died but I still had to see him going along happy, mocking me, I couldn’t imagine going through this again. I fell asleep feeling very tired.

  “Good morning honey,” a rough, happy voice said to me. I opened my eyes and found my dad standing over me. For some unfathomable reason I expected it to be James even though it obviously wasn’t his voice.

  “Dad, what are you doing here? You’re home early,” I said, sitting up.

  “I got an earlier flight home. But I can leave and come back in a few days if you’d rather,” he joked.

  “No, I’m so happy you’re home,” I said, giving him a giant hug.

  “Good, I brought you a present,” he said, holding out a wrapped box two for me. “For your birthday.” He smiled, excited. I took the present and carefully peeled the paper back, under the paper was a white box. I opened it and pulled out a skirt, it was flowy with a pretty pattern. It kind of looked like a gypsy skirt, it was beautiful and thin, the material soft. There was also a thin white tank top that looked very pretty, with thin spaghetti straps. I was surprised dad had bought me such a revealing outfit, well it only showed my stomach but still I loved it, it wasn’t too flashy, it was comfortable and earthy.

  “I love it, dad,” I said and gave him another hug. He looked relieved.

  “Good because I can’t return it. The lady in London said you would look great in it,” he said, placing a silver chain with a feather pendant in my hand, it was also very simple but I loved it too.

  “Thanks, it’s all great,” I told him, hugging him once more. We talked about his trip, school, and what he’d missed and then finally he said in a soft voice.

  “Alyssa told me you haven’t been behaving and have been fighting with the girls,” he looked grave as he spoke.

  “It’s true but they deserved what I did and more. Alyssa doesn’t like me, so I was the only one to get the blame and always be the one in trouble. She even kicked me out of the house,” I told him. I could tell dad didn’t like me saying that but he didn’t deny the fact that Alyssa was never the fondest of me or a good mother figure.

  “What did they do?” dad asked, looking stressed, lines forming on his forehead.

  “They, well, Gert and Reggie. They threw out all the videos of mom,” I gulped, my voice wobbly. I’d been trying to be strong and tough, but on the inside, I was so hurt and sad. Be strong, I ordered myself. Dad gasped and held me tight.

  “They will be severely punished,” dad told me furiously and then left without even saying bye. Dad was more than mad and you didn’t want dad to be mad at you. I didn’t feel bad at all though because they deserved what they were going to get.

  “Hey! What happened? You look wonderful!” Em said running up to me, once I reached my locker. I smiled at her and tried to pretend I didn’t know what she was talking about.

  “Oh, you mean the outfit, yeah my dad got it for me,” I said casually but I couldn’t keep from smiling.

  “You should let him buy all your clothes, you look great!” She laughed. Derek came over looking even more shocked.

  “Hi,” he said shyly. “I like what you’re wearing, is it new?” he asked. I nodded, not liking the way he was looking at me, it wasn’t how friends looked at each other. “I wanted to say sorry about yesterday. I was out of line and rude,” he said, looking genuine. I felt bad for him, it wasn’t his fault; you can’t control how you feel.

  “It’s okay,” I said and then the bell rang. Derek offered to walk me to class, even though I told him not to because he’d be late for his class but he still did. We talked like usual and he stopped right in front of the door to hug me. I returned the hug, not wanting to lead him on but also not wanting to be rude. He left and I walked in and walked to my seat, where James was already waiting.

  “I’m sure you heard it already, but all the same, you look great,” he told me.

  “Thanks, dad got it for me when he was in London,” I informed him.

  “Oh yeah, how is he? How’d the trip go?” he asked curiously. I relayed all the details and still we talked, it was just like old times.

  “James, Mike you can talk during lunch, now we are learning about the beautiful English language,” Mrs. Becker told us in front of the whole class, who all turned to stare at us. We’d been too into our conversation, to notice that we were supposed to be listening. James smiled back at me.

  “Lunch isn’t that long,” he said, “So you’ll come over after school,” he told me and I nodded. “Great, you can stay for dinner too then.” He just smiled. Dad, I thought.

  “Sorry I can’t stay for dinner, dad will want me home tonight,” I said, sad I couldn’t have both.

  “That’s fine you can stay for dinner another time,” he proposed. I nodded, smiling to no one in particular, things were finally right and going back to usual.

  “So, what is going on with you and James?” Emily asked in Science, that was all anybody was asking me now, even some girl I hardly spoke to in my math class asked, it was all getting to be very annoying, I hated being the center of attention.

  “Nothing,” I said, sounding a little frustrated. “We were friends for a long time.” Why can’t we be now? Why was everyone freaking out?

  “Okay, I was just wondering,” she said putting her hands up in defense.

  “Sorry, it’s just all people are talking about and asking me, it’s driving me a little crazy.” I sighed. She gave me a silly smile and went back to her desk. Tiffany smiled at me when no one was looking, I looked around and smiled back. It was beginning to feel like we had a secret friendship. When we were leaving class, she bumped into me at the door.

  “Hey watch out,” she said, looking pissed.

  “I was walking here first or do you think just because you have more plastic, you deserve the right of way?” I asked. She stamped her foot and left, our little fights were always fun and a great distraction. At my locker, I opened the ball of paper she’d stuffed in my hand. She wrote in a sparkly purple ink, probably some sort of gel pen. Are you going out with James? I read, feeling a little annoyed, then in ve
ry small writing at the bottom, was scrawled, you should. I grinned to myself, I wasn’t expecting that from anyone, much less her. Tiffany was full of surprises.

  “Hey what’s that?” James asked, sneaking up behind me and scaring the bejeezus out of me. I jumped started and quickly crumpled the paper into a ball and threw it into my purse before he could grab it.

  “I, um… nothing,” I said with an unconvincing grin. He looked at me curiously.

  “Nothing?” He repeated, cocking his head sideways in disbelief.

  “Nope.” I smiled, shutting my locker. “You ready?” I asked him, he nodded his head and led me to the cafeteria, his arm around my back.

  Derek looked annoyed to see James and I walking together, talking and joking but I ignored that and took the seat beside him, acting like I didn’t notice.

  “Hey.” I smiled to him, Emily, and Tara. I got some awkward “Heys” back in response. Thanks for trying to seem normal, guys. I tried to add them into our conversation, especially Derek who was the most awkward but it wasn’t working too well.

  “Laura keeps staring at you and pacing by our table, are you two still going out?” Derek asked, opening his mouth for the first time all lunch. I looked up and sure enough there was Laura. Big brown eyes, dyed blond hair, tall, really tall, a lot taller than I was, probably five foot nine, all angular and skinny. She was Ali’s ex-best friend and also James’ most recent girlfriend. I didn’t think she was pretty, she was too skinny and gangly and always hunched over awkwardly. Or maybe that was just my jealousy and the fact that I looked nothing like her. I looked at James, waiting for his answer.

  “Oh yeah, I guess,” he said, looking like he’d forgotten. His hazel eyes looked into mine worried that I’d be angry. I knew this look, I’d seen it thousands of times. I nodded and smiled.

  “Then why don’t you bring her over here, don’t want her thinking you forgot about her,” I said, disappointed with his rude behavior and disappointed they were still an item. Part of me wanted to believe that when he had said he loved me and kissed me, that he meant it as more than a friend, that he felt how I felt but he clearly didn’t. He shot up and went to her, obviously not wanting me to be disappointed in him. Derek started talk to me once Laura was there, I guess he didn’t feel as threatened.

  “If you love animals, you should come to my aunt’s farm with me this weekend,” he said warmly.

  “It’s so cool that your aunt has a farm,” I said surprised.

  “Yep, with horses and everything.” He smiled. “So, do you want to come?” he asked me.

  “I would love too!” I said joyfully. Derek smiled back at it, his light blue eyes smiling too. The table went quiet again and everyone but Derek and I were talking and now James was the one who looked pissed.

  “Can we go?” I heard Laura whisper to him.

  “You can if you want to, I’m staying here.” James whispered back, annoyed. She tried to kiss him but he moved out of the way of her shiny red lips. The bell rang and both Derek and James walked me to my locker. James had hardly spoken to Laura at all, I wondered if it was always like that.

  “Was lunch weird or was it just me? I asked Tara in gym.

  “Oh my God, I was scared to ask you. Hell yeah!” she exclaimed. “When you talk to James, Derek gets all weird and pissed. When Laura was there and you were talking to Derek, James looked pissed. I feel bad for Laura, you can tell he doesn’t really like her,” Tara continued but I didn’t really follow the rest. Tara looked at me expectantly.

  “James doesn’t like me that way,” I told her at the end of her little rant.

  “So, he just goes around professing his love and kissing girls for fun?” she asked, looking at me like I was blind and didn’t know anything.

  “I had told him to prove it, the kiss meant nothing and as for him telling me he loves me, it’s as a friend,” I explained, trying not to look as disappointed as I felt, she dropped the subject there.

  James

  I still couldn’t believe who was walking home with me after everything. I couldn’t stop staring at Mickey, she looked so incredibly hot in her earthy hippie skirt and tank top, that showed off part of her tight stomach, and was all toned and warm looking. I quickly averted my eyes to my feet as she caught me staring at her again.

  “How’s it going with you and Laura?” she asked suddenly, a weird expression on her face, one that confused me. Was she jealous? No, not Mickey unfortunately, she was never jealous except for once apparently, I still had to figure out what that was about.

  “Fine,” I said curtly, I sounded secretive even to my own ears but what was I supposed to say. I don’t know, we never talk, I hardly ever see her, I don’t know her, or even like her or she’s just not you!

  “That’s good.” She smiled. My eyes focused on her smile, her full lips that were naturally pink, curving up at the corners. I never saw Laura or any of the girls in my group smile naturally like that, without trying to look seductive or superior.

  “So, you and Derek, what’s that about?” I asked, turning the tables and being annoyed without thinking. I hated seeing them together, at lunch, in gym, the guy drove me nuts, especially since I knew he was a good guy. I guess I should be happy for her, but unfortunately, I wasn’t.

  “Derek?” she asked in surprise. “We’re not together, we’re just friends.” She blushed.

  “Oh, it doesn’t look like that from here and aren’t you going out with him on Saturday?” I asked very jealous now. He was playing his cards right. Mickey loved animals; it was obvious she would go.

  “To a farm, as friends,” she summarized like I was being silly. “And lots of people say the same about us and look how wrong they are, we’re just friends,” she said softly but it sounded like a question. Friends? Are we? Neither of us had said it out loud yet. Were we still best friends?

  “Well, you two should go out,” I told her, lying through my teeth. She didn’t look happy when I said that but she nodded, her smile vanishing.

  “Okay. I mean, I guess there’s nothing stopping me,” she said, both looking and sounding sad. We walked up the path to my house and stopped on the porch before going in, I wished I’d never brought Derek up.

  “Sorry for anything awkward that’s going to happen.” I smiled before opening the door; mom was already in the mudroom waiting.

  “Mickey!” she squealed throwing her arms around her, we both laughed.

  “Hi,” Mickey said, returning the hug and looking truly happy.

  “Oh, I missed your visits, how have you been sweetie?” mom asked her. Mickey was like another daughter to her and I guess she was another mother for Mickey too.

  “Yeah, it’s been a long time. I’m doing all right, you?” I could tell she was hiding something the whole time they chatted, finally I stole Mickey away, bringing her to my room. I watched as she looked around, probably noticing all the changes, like I had in her room. Did she care like I did?

  “What happened to all your Star Wars memorabilia,” she asked marvelling. I blushed and pulled a box out from under my bed, inside was all my special stuff. She opened the box and pulled out a stack of pictures, I had forgotten that I hid a lot of pictures of us in there as well. She smiled at me and looked at them laughing at all the funny ones of us.

  “I’m a little embarrassed now,” I said, unable to hid my blush.

  “Why?” she laughed, looking at another picture of us before looking up to me. “I have tons of pictures of us.” She smiled and then it wasn’t awkward anymore. I was happy she told me and admitted it; even though I had already seen for myself.

  “I have something of yours,” I told her and went to the back of my closet and pulled out a box that held all of Mickey’s family videos of her and her parents. I felt bad for not telling her sooner and keeping them, I knew she was probably still distraught. I was being selfish to have kept them as long as I did, I just wanted to watch them and see that secret part of her life again. I put the box in her arms and
watched as she took out a tape, her shoulders shaking as the tears streamed down her cheeks. She carefully put the tape back and put the box on my bed before she dove into me. I wrapped my arms around her as she wept.

  “I found them in the trash,” I told her, rubbing her quivering back.

  “Thank you, thank you so much. I thought I lost them forever,” she said, looking up at me, her face soaked. Mickey was tough, tougher than most girls and guys but whenever she needed me, I was there, and vice versa. She looked at me, her unique and beautiful eyes no longer wet and then she just kissed me. I had dreamt about Mickey kissing me like this millions of times. She’d kissed me in the past plenty but only ever the cheek, the head, the hand, on a scrape or cut, this kiss was not like any of the others. It was only one kiss but it was long, smooth and soft and left me hungry for more. It felt like the most intimate thing I’d ever done and it was just a kiss, no tongue, no nothing. It left every particle in my body tingling and sent shivers coursing throughout my body. I would have kept going on but she pulled away, just like in class but this time I don’t know what was stopping and her. She had started it. I looked at her bewildered, how could she stop? It was already so good and bound to get better.

  “That was wrong, I’m sorry,” she said flushing. Wrong! How could that be wrong? Nothing in my life felt more right. I wanted to do it again, no I needed to do it again, I needed more.

  “Wrong?” I asked her, not hiding my hurt. She stepped back and sat on my bed. Looking down I sat beside her, not wanting the distance between us.

  “You’re with Laura, we’re finally friends again,” she said, still not meeting my eyes. “I should go,” she muttered, walking towards the door. I love you! Dammit Michaela, I love you!

  “Don’t go,” I said, grabbing her hand and stopping her. “Please, just don’t go,” I begged desperately. I couldn’t lose anymore time with her, I’d already lost more than enough. She looked into my eyes for a long time, deciding and then nodded. I had to officially end things with Laura, even though we really were never anything to begin with. I wanted Mickey more than anything, and I was going to do this right.