Shatter

by Lynsey Rae Uttley

  “Alright ladies. Time for our first group session of the day.”

  Leaning forward, I moved out of my chair and headed down the hall with the others, though I had stopped dead center in the hall, my body frozen in motion. You know those movies where the main character starts to hear their own thoughts? Their own voice? That was me. In this very moment, and for the first time, I had thought I was losing my mind.

  If you don’t keep going, they’ll wonder where you’ve gone. But hey, hang out here with me.

  “Oh god. Okay. I’m not crazy. I’m just hearing things. Just, keep, walking.”

  God you’re pathetic. I’m the only one who understands what the fuck is going on, and you’re going to ignore me?

  “It’s not real. This isn’t happening. Everything is fine.”

  Seriously? Look around. We’re in a nut house. Kind of fitting, I mean, you are in the middle of a hallway mumbling to yourself.

  Snapping out of my daze, I took in a slow breath and looked around me. Everything was fine, so what the hell had just happened to me? Was I starting to lose my shit? Making my way into the group room, I looked at the others and took a seat in silence.

  “Vega, is everything alright? You seem, out of it.”

  “I’m fine. Can we just get this session over with?”

  “Alright, let’s start with you then, Vega.”

  “Pass.”

  “You know, the more you deflect, the harder it will be to deal with what’s bothering you.”

  “The only thing bothering me, Doc, is being in this prison.”

  “Come on, Vega. The two of us are always talking about what brought us here. What’s so bad that landed you here? What, did you cut yourself? Take too many pills?”

  “God, Valery, be less aggressive. Okay?”

  “What, Teri? I’m just saying all she does is sit there and say nothing. I mean it can’t be that damn bad.”

  “Ladies, please. Now, Vega, come on. At least try to share something.”

  “Fine. I’ll share a poem. Will that shut you up?”

  “That’s a bit of an unusual way to put things into perspective. But yes. I would be happy to hear something.”

  Grumbling to myself I had reached into my pocket and slowly began to unfold the piece of paper. It was something I had written not so long ago, and would bring unbearable pain to my mind and heart. But if this would get Dr. Berlin off my back, then I would read it.

  "You promised to be around, till the day you turned grey.

  But now you’ve gone; you didn’t ask if you should stay.

  The distance I’ve traveled, has become too far.

  No matter how fast I run, I can’t reach where you are.

  I often wonder, if you can hear me cry.

  You left me here broken; I didn’t get to say goodbye.

  So, I’m saying it now, hoping you’re near.

  I’ll meet you one day, where the water is clear.

  I’ll shake your hand, and we’ll cast a line.

  Don’t fret too much. Mom and I will be fine.

  Goodbye to a father. Goodbye to a friend.

  My journey may be long, but I’ll see you at the end."

  Tucking the piece of paper away into the pocket of my jeans, I took my seat and had sat there in silence as Dr. Berlin had written something down before speaking.

  “Well. That was quite something. Poetry is a great way to express yourself. Thank you for sharing, Vega. Teri, would you care to go next?”

  “My mother wants to see me today, but I’m afraid.”

  “Why is it you feel so afraid to see your mother?”

  “Because… What if she hates me for what I did? What if all she sees is a ghost?”

  “Teri, do you feel this way towards yourself because she found you?”

  “Yes, I mean, I was supposed to be dead, but she found me too soon.”

  “Dude, your mother found you? That’s harsh!”

  “It’s not funny, Valery.”

  “Teri, I’m not saying it is. I’m saying the fact you put her through that is, kind of rough.”

  “I know. That’s why I’m scared to face her.”

  “Remember, Valery, we don’t judge. Now, Teri, please continue.”

  Fridays and Saturdays were visiting days, from noon to three. The fact my mother had yet to come and see me since leaving me here was more than heartbreaking. Just listening to Teri drone on and on about how afraid she was to face her mother made me begin to question the opposite. Could my mother ever face me? The fact I was responsible for the death of her husband, my father, must have caused her more pain than I’d ever know.

  “Maybe you’ll end up in prison instead. I mean you did just admit to killing your father.”

  “I didn’t kill him! It’s not my fault.”

  “Really, then why is it you’re alive and he isn’t. Kind of sounds like your fault.”

  “It was an accident!”

  The room fell silent as I had stood up, exhaling a sharp breath. Both Teri and Valery staring at me in total shock before Dr. Berlin had stood up and gave a look of concern.

  “Vega! Are you alright? You’re quite pale. Should I get a nurse?”

  “Christ! And I thought I was fucked up.”

  “Shut up, Valery! She looks sick.”

  “No. She looks crazy. She was mumbling to herself.”

  “Ladies, enough. One of you get a nurse.”

  “No! No. I’m fine. I just…I’m just really tired. I’m going to bed.”

  As I stood up and left the room, I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, though if I was them, I’d have thought I was crazy too, I mean I was just talking to myself. Making my way down the hall and into my room, I sat down onto the bed and took in slow deep breaths, trying to calm myself down, though it wasn’t helping much.

  You know. The more you ignore me, the more persistent I’m going to be.

  “You’re not even real. I’m just hearing things.”

  If I’m not real, then you’re not real, and if that’s the case, then you really don’t exist.

  “What do you want from me?”

  I don’t want anything from you. I’m just here to help you out is all.

  “Help me? Help me what?”

  I’m the only one who is going to have your back now.

  “That’s not true. I have friends.”

  Really? Then why haven’t they come to see you?

  “They’re busy. That’s all.”

  Busy what? Having fun on that trip you never got to go on?

  “They wouldn’t have gone. Not without me. We always go together, all three of us.”

  Keep telling yourself that. I’m just trying to help you see the truth.

  “Truth? What truth?”

  That if you ever let anyone in again, you’re just going to lose them. Or they’ll just end up leaving.

  Was that part of me right? No, there was no way. If I closed everyone off in my life that would only make matters worse, I had to keep going on, to keep trying, and for now, find a way to get out of this place. Despite the fact that I felt alone here, I still had to do what I needed, to convince Berlin I was healthy enough to go home. But that was proving to become even more complicated as the days had went on into weeks and everyone just fell further away. A small spark of hope had ignited in me though. A nurse had come to my room and told me I had a visitor, and I couldn’t believe it. As I left my room and followed the nurse down into the visitation room, I felt disappointed; it wasn’t my mother, it had been Jaynae and Marissa.

  Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to see that my friends had come to visit me, but why had it taken them so long? Why had they not come to see me after my father’s funeral? Before I was locked in here? Taking a seat across from the two of them I had sat there in complete silence; what was I supposed to say? Marissa leaned forward and offered a kind smile before placing her hand on top of my own.

  “God it’s good to see you. How are you holding up? Tell
me they are going to let you out of here soon.”

  “I’m fine. Just tired. Don’t think I’m going home anytime soon though.”

  “What? Is that like even legal? They can’t just hold you here.”

  “God Jaynae, she’s not in prison. She’s just here to get better, that’s all. Right, Serah?”

  “Funny. Didn’t know there was anything wrong with me.”

  “Serah, that’s not what I meant.”

  Pulling my hand away I inhaled slowly before glancing down to see a small resort pin attached to the collar of Marissa’s shirt before I feigned a smile. To be honest, I couldn’t blame the two of them for going. Tickets were nonrefundable after all, and it would be stupid to waste a trip just because I couldn’t go. So why was I so mad?

  “Did you guys have fun on the trip?”

  “Marissa and I didn’t go. It wouldn’t have been right.”

  “Jaynae is right. Why would we go without you? It’s always been the three of us.”

  Wow. They are lying right to your face. How pathetic is that?

  “It’s very pathetic.”

  “What is, Serah? What are you talking about?”

  As my index finger traced various patterns on the table top, I glanced up towards Marissa, who was completely lost as to why I would say such a thing. And Jaynae? You could see the dishonesty in her eyes, she never could tell a lie, not without looking away from you; that was one of her biggest flaws.

  “The fact you’re both lying. If you went, it’s fine. Whatever. But why lie?”

  “It’s not like you would have been happy about it either way.”

  “Marissa!”

  “What, Jaynae? Look at her. Look where she is at. She never bothered to call us, and we come to visit her and she wants to get mad over what? Some stupid trip?”

  “It’s not about the trip! You didn’t come to see me after he died! Weeks went by, neither of you bothered to call! You were supposed to be there for me!”

  “You were like a fucking ghost, Serah! Even at school you were just there! You didn’t talk, or do anything! Jaynae and I tried to help you but you wouldn’t let us in! You pushed us away!”

  “Because I was afraid to talk to you guys, to anyone! Everyone around me was always staring, judging me! Accusing me of something I didn’t mean to do!”

  “Then talk to us now, Serah. Marissa and I are your best friends. You need to let us in.”

  Jaynae was always the one who got me to speak up when I had something I wanted to keep hidden away, something I was afraid to talk about, even when the three of us were little kids. Hell, the one time the two of them slept over at my house, I ended up breaking one of my mother’s vases during a pillow fight. She convinced me to tell the truth, instead of lying, that everything would be okay and that my mother would forgive me. But this was much bigger than breaking a vase, this was something I knew my mother would never forgive me for, why else would she put me here?

  “I just want to go home. But I can’t. I’m stuck here because of my mother.”

  “Serah, your mom is trying to help you. What else was she supposed to do? You wouldn’t get out of bed, you kept sleeping in class, and even when you did show up, you weren’t really there.”

  “You didn’t see her face, Jaynae. The night it happened, you didn’t see how she looked at me. She hates me. She blames me for what happened that night.”

  “That’s a bunch of bullshit, Serah, and you know it. Stop acting like you were the only one affected by this.”

  “Jesus Christ, Marissa! What’s wrong with you?”

  “No Jaynae. I’m sick of this. Your mother is hurting just as much as you are. So are we.”

  “You didn’t lose your father. Neither of you did.”

  “But we lost our best friend, Serah! You are not the same!”

  “How am I supposed to act, Marissa? Normal? Like nothing ever happened! I killed my father! He is the reason I’m alive, and I’m the reason he is dead!”

  “You’re supposed to try! Not wither away in self-pity!”

  “Will you both just stop!”

  Both Marissa and I sat there in silence, looking towards Jaynae, in somewhat disbelief and a bit of shock. We hadn’t heard her yell at us like that for a long time. Marissa and I fought like this once before, but Jaynae was there with us and stepped right in. She was the reason the three of us were still best friends. This? It wasn’t much different. I was too stubborn to admit I was hurting and needed help, too stubborn to accept the help my friends were trying to offer.

  “Serah, Marissa is right. You need to try to accept the fact the people here want to help you. That your mother brought you here to help you. Nothing that happened was your fault.”

  Sounds to me like they took your mother’s side. They think you need to be in here just as much as she does. Though, they weren’t there the night he died, were they? They didn’t hear what she said to you. But I was there. I know you don’t belong here. You don’t need them, you don’t need anybody. You have me.

  “I don’t need anybody. You guys weren’t there.”

  “Serah. Don’t push us away. Please. I’m sorry I yelled but Jaynae is right. Let us help.”

  “I said I don’t need anybody. So, go. I belong here, remember?”

  “That’s not what either of us meant and you know it, Serah.”

  “It’s Vega. And, you did mean it Jaynae. You both did. That’s okay though. At least I know where you both stand on this.”

  Pushing the chair out from behind me, I stood up and walked out of the visitation room, something in me felt different and to be honest, I didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Though one thing was for certain, I would do whatever I needed to get out of this damn place, even if it meant lying. Unfortunately, that was proving to be more difficult than I had anticipated; it was like they knew the game I was trying to play and refused to let me win so easily.

  “Vega? You seem distracted. Is something on your mind?”

  “Quite the opposite actually. I haven’t been thinking of much.”

  “Oh? I thought perhaps you’ve been quiet due to the fight you had with your friends last week.”

  Wow. Real observant today, isn’t he? Did he really just call those backstabber friends?

  “Wouldn’t exactly call them friends.”

  “I find that hard to believe. According to your file it says the three of you have known each other since childhood.”

  “I don’t care what my file says, and I don’t care what you believe.”

  “You know, being so aggressive isn’t going to get you anywhere.”

  “Can I go now?”

  “Our session isn’t over yet. And since you won’t talk during group, we’ve decided it would be best for you and me to have a one-on-one session.”

  Oh, come on. The door is right there. Will you please just fucking get up and leave so I don’t have to hear Berlin’s incessant babbling!

  A faint chuckle escaped my lips, I mean she was being funny, or rather, I was. Did it matter? God, I really do sound like a crazy person now that I think about it. Part of me was of sound mind, the other part was unafraid of consequences, didn’t give a damn what people thought and at all times did whatever she pleased.

  “You’re laughing. May I ask why?”

  “Because Doc, our session may not be over but like you’ve told me before, the door is always open.”

  With that I stood up and opened the door, letting it push shut behind me, and I could only imagine the look on his face; it’s not like they could force me to sit down and talk. As I strode down the hall, I was stopped by Nurse Clara who informed me I had a visitor. For some odd reason, I had a feeling it wasn’t Marissa or Jaynae. Heading into the visitation room, I stood frozen in my tracks and had felt every bit of breath in my lungs fall away.

  “Mom?”

  I didn’t even see her move from the chair she had been sitting in, and it had taken a moment for my mind to even register
the fact she was hugging me. Every fiber of my being wanted to hug her back, to cry in her arms and tell her how much I had missed her and how sorry I was for causing her so much pain. Yet as I pushed her away, she looked to me with shock and disappointment but how could she expect anything less when she was the reason I was here.

  “Serah…? What is it? What’s wrong?”

  “Why?”

  “Why what, baby?”

  “Why did you leave me here? Why did you abandon me?”

  “Abandon you? Sweetie, I would never do such a thing. I love you. But you were in pain. You needed help.”

  “I needed you! But you kept pushing me away! You blamed me!”

  “I know, and I’m sorry. Please, just please, hear me out.”

  My teeth grit tight as my hands balled to fists. I didn’t want to hear her out; if anything, I wanted to tell her to go away and to never come back again. There wasn’t a single part of me that wasn’t hurting, and seeing my mother just brought back all the pain I had worked so hard to push deep down inside.

  “What took you so long to come see me?”

  “I was trying to find the right time. But the longer I took, the harder it was for me to see you. I want you to know I never meant to make you feel as if I abandoned you.”

  “So, what? You’re here to say you’re sorry? Then what? Leave all over again?”

  “No. No. You are coming home with us today.”

  Us? She said us, right? I mean, you’re the crazy one. I’m the sane one.

  “Us? What do you mean us?”

  “Rachel, the nurse said as soon as you speak to Dr. Berlin we can go.”

  I moved to the side to see a rather tall man walking towards our direction; he stood an easy five-eight, his eyes a shade of grey which was brought out by his dusty brown hair. Though I was afraid to ask the question swimming through my mind, I had to know the answer, had to make sure, I was far from right.

  “Mom! Who is that?”

  “Serah. This is Craig. We’ve been seeing each other for a while now. I thought it would be good for you two to meet one another.”

  “Glad to meet you. Your mother has been talking nonstop about you.”

  “Funny. She didn’t mention a fucking thing about you.”