Shatter

by Lynsey Rae Uttley

  “Serah, watch your mouth.”

  “Mom. I don’t understand. Who is this guy, and why is he going home with us?”

  Her hand reached out to take hold of my own as she gave it a comforting squeeze, and it was in that single moment, every part of me began to panic.

  “Because, we’re married.”

  “W-what? Married! Why would you marry him? I don’t even know him! You didn’t ask me!”

  Holy shit! Your dad’s been dead for less than two months and she already found someone else? Either he’s rich or your mom is a slut.

  “Shut up, don’t say that!”

  “I didn’t say anything. Serah, look at me, it’s going to be okay.”

  Man, I thought her leaving us here was fucked up, but this takes the cake. Now you got a new dad too?

  “He’s not my father shut up!”

  “Craig, go get a Doctor! Serah look at me, just breathe okay?”

  So first you kill your dad. Now you betray him by getting a new one?

  “I can’t breathe.”

  Hand grasping my chest, my body thudded to the white tiles of the cold floor, chest heaving as I tried to catch every breath that was now escaping my body. Above me I could see the panic and fear in my mother’s eyes as she tried to soothe me, to keep me focused on her. Her hands held onto my cheeks, though I still couldn’t slow my frantic breathing.

  “Serah! Please! Come back to me. Serah?”

  My world went black, everything was just still, silent. She betrayed me, and as I just stood there in the darkness of my own mind, I wanted nothing more than to fade away. Loss, betrayal, damnation. Call it what you will, but there was no way I was ever going to be okay again, not for a long time.

  Chapter 13

  Torn

  It was an odd feeling at first, to go from feeling everything to suddenly feeling nothing. There really was no way to describe it, but if I could, then picture this: imagine you’re standing in an empty cave, everything around you is pitch black, and the only thing you can hear is the sound of your own breathing. Then suddenly you hear it, a single drop of water hitting the ground, it’s loud enough to echo, yet soft enough for your ears alone to hear. Then you begin to fall, your body weightless, as if you’ve been drifting away in the middle of the sea, yet there is nothing to embrace you. That’s how I felt, and it was right there in that exact moment I knew one thing – I was dead. My feet shuffled towards a small light in the distance, it was an outline of a door. Part of me was afraid to open it, yet the other part needed and wanted to know what it was waiting for me on the other side. As I placed my hand on the knob to push it open, I stopped when I heard my name.

  “Serah! Please, Serah! Come back to me. I need you.”

  “Al…”

  My voice was only a whisper, though I knew nobody, but I could hear it. The moment I started to walk away from the door, it just disappeared as if it never existed, and I just kept walking. I could hear a long-drawn-out beep, followed by the sound of Alana’s voice, she was crying, she was hurting. Taking in a deep breath, I allowed my eyes to close as I tried to imagine her face, wanting nothing more than to see her, to hold her again.

  “There. We got her. Pulse is steady and climbing.”

  “All vitals are stable.”

  As my eyes slowly peeled open, I glanced around the room to find Alana sitting next to my bedside with a mixture of worry and relief across her features. The on-call doctor leaned over me, shining a small light in my eyes to which I strained to focus on, the fact it was hard for me to speak didn’t help either.

  “Serah? My name is Dr. Samuel. I need you to follow the light with your eyes okay?”

  Giving a silent nod, I followed the light from left to right, then back right to left, though staring at the damn thing was starting to give me a headache. It really hadn’t dawned on me until now, how much shit I was really in, apart from already dying that is, which, by the way, let me assure you is worse than you think.

  “Good. Now, do you know your name? What day it is?”

  “Serah Farrow and it’s Friday. Can I go now?”

  “Well miss Farrow. While your vitals may be stable, I’d like to keep you here for observation.”

  “No thanks. I’m good.”

  “Very well. But I’ll need you to sign an AMA. Just means you’re leaving against medical advice. I will return shortly.”

  As the doctor left, I couldn’t help but let out a long sigh of relief, I half expected things to be more difficult but thankfully things ran smoother than I initially thought. Sitting upright, I moved to the edge of the bed as Alana had slid me my clothes, looking to the side as I had started to change, her silence worried me, but who could blame her?

  “Al, I’m okay.”

  “Just get dressed so we can go. I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

  “I second that, I hate hospitals. Where did Kyle go? I sort of remember him being with us.”

  “He went home.”

  “Dick. Could have given us a ride back.”

  “Serah, just stop, alright?”

  Before I could ask just what her problem was, Dr. Samuel had come back in with the medical forms I needed to sign. As I started to sign my name, Alana had strode past us and out of the room. Apparently, I was clueless to this entire situation, then again, I really didn’t understand what the big deal was. Handing the clipboard back, I thanked the doctor and had gone after Al, who was already midway through the parking lot and heading towards the bus stop.

  “Al, would you wait? Al! Stop!”

  “I don’t want to talk about it right now, Serah!”

  “For god’s sake would you just fucking stop? What is your problem!?”

  As her footsteps came to a halt, she turned around to face me, anger present in those jade hues of hers, though it didn’t stop me from placing my hand onto her shoulder, tears in her eyes as she spoke.

  “I almost lost you, Serah!”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Alana, I’m fine.”

  “You died, Serah!”

  “Must have been the pizza.”

  “God damn it, it’s not funny!”

  “Al, calm down.”

  “You died in my arms! You were dead!”

  My arms wrapped around her in a tight embrace, pulling her close as I could, as close as she would allow me to in such a moment where she was angry, yet at the same time, needed me. Brushing off death? That’s one thing, but brushing off the fact you died? Well, that’s something even I sucked at doing. Joking about terrible things was twisted, but it was my twisted way of dealing with things, of trying to comprehend and cope with them.

  “I’m so sorry, Al. I never meant to scare you like that.”

  “God, what were you thinking? How could you do something so stupid?”

  “Seemed like a good idea at the time.”

  “Well it wasn’t.”

  Placing my hands to her cheeks, I allowed my thumbs to brush away the tears that had fallen from her eyes. Even when crying, she was so beautiful, and the way she cared so deeply for me? That meant more than I could put into words. All I wanted now, was to go home with Alana, and pretend that I didn’t fuck-up the only good thing I had going in my life. The two of us ended up making love to one another as if it would be the last time; there was so much passion in it that I’d never want to forget it, not that I ever could. As her head rest to my chest, I could feel her finger tracing various patterns along it, words were not spoken but I had to know.

  “Did my mother come to see me at all?”

  The look on Al’s face had confirmed my answer before she could even tell me. Her brows arched up in a soft manner, her eyes almost sympathetic.

  “No. Should we call her?”

  Dark thoughts clouded my mind, every part of me wanted to say yes, that I needed to tell my mother just how scared I was, how I thought I would never see her again, but I couldn’t. All I could do was let a few silent tears fall.

  Pretty messe
d up! Your mom didn’t even bother to come see you. Damn, would she even care if you did die?

  “Serah? You okay?”

  Wonder if she would come to our funeral? Would anyone?

  “Serah, look at me.”

  “I’m fine, Al. Just thinking is all.”

  “About?”

  “Even if she didn’t come see me, she could have at least called to check up on me.”

  “Maybe she didn’t want to disturb you and Kyle during the project.”

  There was this smile that crept across her lips that had led me to believe she was trying to make a joke, even so, I just couldn’t find it in me to laugh about it. Then came the question. Should I tell her? As my mother, she did have a right to know that something awful had happened to her only child. But as her daughter? Can’t say I believe she even cared for me anymore.

  Kind of makes you wonder if she didn’t show up to check on you, would she come to your funeral?

  “That’s a bit harsh!”

  “Harsh? I was kidding Serah.”

  “Hm? Oh no, I was just talking to myself.”

  “Are you really okay?”

  I dare you to tell her about me. Fifty bucks says she leaves your crazy ass.

  “I will be. I’m just tired.”

  “So sleep. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

  Honestly, I thought sleep would be next to impossible. Yet, with Al right there by my side? Well, that was all I would ever really need; it’s just too bad I didn’t think about that before I did something stupid. Perhaps there was a small part of me that had wished I had not woken up, that when I took my last breath, it would have stayed that way. Though, that’s the thing about the truth. Once you face it? It scares the shit out of you, and the only thing you can do is face it, and own up to the consequences. I was given a second chance at life, a chance that my father never got. Maybe that was the reason I wished I had not come back to life, so I could be with my father again, but could I be without Al in my life, or afterlife? Whatever you chose to call it, it’s still the same question, one that I hopefully don’t have to answer anytime soon.

  It was the sound of yelling that had disturbed me from my sleep, my hand stretching out to find the space next to me empty, which meant Al was no longer here. Sitting upright, I slowly moved from out of her bed, pulling on my clothes, and making my way downstairs and into the kitchen, only to see Alana standing there with my mother.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Vega, don’t start with me. Go get in the car now.”

  Al looked like she had been crying, it was then I had put two and two together, and to be honest, I was more shocked than angry, yet it didn’t stop me from asking a question I already knew the answer to.

  “Al, you called her?”

  “Serah, I’m sorry. I just want to help.”

  “Help? You didn’t even tell me! I told you I didn’t want her to know!”

  “And that makes me worry. Serah, I love you, more than you know. But I won’t watch you destroy yourself over guilt.”

  “Vega, let’s go, now. I won’t ask again.”

  “Don’t worry, Rachel, we’re going.”

  Without so much as another word, I left the house with my mother. I was glad Alana had called my mother, because, despite how much I didn’t want to admit it, I wouldn’t have had the strength to tell her myself. Still, she went behind my back, again, and had done something I asked her not to. At least Al’s parents had not been home, the last thing I needed to do was drag them in the middle of all this chaos; it’s bad enough I was taking their daughter down with me. Perhaps there was more to my issues than I thought, which was starting to make me question myself, what if I did need help? When we had gotten home, I followed my mother inside, neither of us daring to look at the other, though if you were to walk inside our home you would easily be able to feel the anger.

  “I can’t believe you didn’t call me, Vega.”

  “Why would I? It’s not like you actually care about me.”

  “That’s not true, and you damn well know it.”

  “You should have known without me having to call you!”

  The look on my mother’s face, it was hard to read, and I didn’t know if it was guilt, or hurt in her eyes. Still, wasn’t your mother supposed to have some sort of maternal instinct? A strong feeling they got when something was wrong with their child? That something had happened? If such a thing were true, why didn’t she come?

  “How am I supposed to know when you didn’t call?”

  “I don’t know, Rachel! Maternal instinct maybe? Or, do you not have one anymore?”

  “Vega…”

  “No, I’m serious. When is the last time you came to me when I needed you most?”

  “I’m always here for you. You know that. Why are you trying so hard to push me away?”

  “Me push you away? It’s the other way around. Ever since Dad died, and you sent me away, it was like I stopped existing to you. All that matters anymore is that piece of shit Craig.”

  “You are not being fair, Vega. He’s trying hard to get to know you.”

  “No. He is trying to manipulate me like he does you.”

  “He does not manipulate me.”

  “Really? Then why keep me from Alana? Why keep me inside this house? He’s not doing it to help, neither are you.”

  “You know how we feel about you two together.”

  “No. I know how HE feels. Not you. You were never this cold towards me, in fact, my happiness used to mean the world to you. Now? Alana is the only reason I keep going.”

  “Vega, please, can we just talk about what happened?”

  “No, we can’t! Because it is irrelevant! Al was right there by my side the entire time. She has been ever since we moved here. And you? You’ve been so blind by Craig, you forget that you still have a daughter that needs you. But that’s okay.”

  “Vega, please, please just talk to me. I want to know what’s going on with you.”

  “You don’t have the right to know. You lost that right a long time ago when you blamed me for killing Dad.”

  Without another word, I left my mother to her thoughts and had gone upstairs into my room. All I wanted to do was to just forget everything that had happened. Things were only going to get worse, of that I was certain, yet I would need to pull every ounce of strength I had to get through it all. There was no telling just how long the process would take, though I was certainly willing to try to ease myself through the mess which I alone had created. But, that’s the thing about life, isn’t it? You make mistakes time and again, only to learn how to keep on trying to get things right through trial and error. Funny thing about that? I didn’t want to try and get things right, I didn’t want things to be easy anymore. Why you ask? Because I was already so used to things jut falling apart that I had become used to it, as if it were in my daily routine to find whatever negative things I could in life and snatch them up. How can someone like that be happy? Well, I can ask you the same. How can you be happy when everything around you just goes perfect? If you’ve never experienced pain, or a tragic loss, then you have no turmoil, no sense of misdirection; in fact, all you see when you look in the mirror is a smile. Try seeing my reflection once, because all I see? Disappointment, failure and a lost cause yet somehow, I am perfectly happy this way.

  Eventually, things around school had seemed to dial down, though it had taken damn near three weeks to do so. Everyone had kept asking me stupid questions. Things like, when I died if I saw a bright light. Or how much pain was I in? Did I meet god? The truth was, I didn’t quite know, but I didn’t tell them that either, because I was still trying to wrap my own mind around it. The only sensation I felt was being weightless, as if I had been floating away. Freaky as that may sound, it’s completely true; I wonder if that’s almost like an out of body experience? Either way, I didn’t want to think about it anymore. Alana and I had spent more time apart than I would have liked to admit, though
that was more on my end than anything. I refused to let the fact she went behind my back go so easily, even if it was for the right reasons, it still didn’t give her the right to sell me out. Somehow, that did not stop the both of us from meeting up beneath the bleachers outside near the track. Both of us were enthralled with the other, acting as if the rest of the world didn’t exist. Yet, it was Al who broke our passionate kiss to speak against my lips in a hushed whisper.

  “Promise me you will never leave me again.”

  “Al, you know I won’t.”

  “Do I? Can you really promise me such a thing?”

  “Yes, I can, Al, I would do anything for you.”

  “Then please, please talk to your mother, get some help.”

  My arms fell from her shoulders as I gave her a confused look, though I knew very well what she was talking about, and what she meant by it as well. So why did every part of me want to yell? Want to scream at her to go away, to never talk to me again? The answer? I did need help, but would I admit it?

  “So, you think I need help too?”

  “Serah, I love you so much that it hurts. But I’m not going to sit back and watch you pretend that you dying was no big deal.”

  “Because it wasn’t. I came back didn’t I?”

  “That’s my point though. If I was the one who died and came back, I would be completely freaked out. Besides that, you’re walking around like you’re not even here anymore.”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “Come on, Serah. You’re always mumbling to yourself, and I’m not saying you’re crazy or anything like that, I just think you need to slow down, take a breath, and talk to someone.”

  “Alana, I talk to you all the time. Why is it so important that I go talk to some therapist?”

  “Serah, you just keep drifting further apart from those you love, including me.”

  The sad part about all of this was she had been completely right. I was pushing her away, along with my mother and everyone else that tried to get close to me. The problem was, I couldn’t blame myself either. When I died, it did scare me. Not because I came back, but because in one single moment, one stupid mistake, I lost everything I ever cared about. Just like the night my father died in front of me, that same feeling of suffocation and hopelessness had come flooding back in, and that was the truth. Problem was how could I possibly begin to explain that to anybody, including Alana? When you feel so much pain, so much guilt and regret in your heart, it affects everything and everyone around you so much, and most of the time you don’t realize it.