Shatter

by Lynsey Rae Uttley

  “I don’t want to talk about it though, and I don’t want to get help.”

  “Serah, if you don’t at least try then I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

  “Wait, what? Are you giving me an ultimatum?”

  “Call it whatever you want to, Serah. But I can’t just keep this to myself anymore. I care about you too much.”

  “You really want to know why I’m so against it. Against asking for help?”

  “Yes, I do. I deserve to know.”

  “Alana, the minute I go talk to a therapist they are going to put me back in the damn psych ward and you know it.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Yes, actually I do. And once I’m there, everyone will forget about me. Including you!”

  When I turned to walk away from her, I felt her grip hold of my wrist with a look of disbelief in her eyes, and yet I stood frozen as if afraid to say anything else, but did I need to? Before I even met Alana, I spent some time in the hospital shortly after my father died, though I had told Al that story already. But what she didn’t know, was not only was I placed there by my mother, but those who claimed to care about me the most had forgotten about me. Okay, so maybe my former friends did come see me but my mother hadn’t, at least not until the day she had come to get me out. That was something I never wanted to feel again.

  “Serah, how dare you! I would never forget about you!”

  “My mother told me the same thing, and so did those I used to call my friends. People don’t want to admit they know someone who’s locked in the nut house.”

  “It’s not a nut house, Serah!”

  “You know damn well what I mean, Al.”

  “You really think you could blow off Tyler, Kyle or any of the others by saying, ‘Sorry guys, I’d love to hang out, but I need to go visit my girlfriend in the psych unit’.”

  “You don’t know what I would say or do, and it hurts that you think of me that way.”

  “Can you blame me though? Right after my dad died, yes, I had a break down. So, my mother put me in the psych unit, then never came to see me. And the only friends I had? They were embarrassed to know me.”

  “Serah look at me. I am not like them. I love you. So does your mother. You just need to see that.”

  “Al, I don’t need help. I am fine so please, stop trying to fix me.”

  When she let go of my wrist, I had walked away, and to be honest I didn’t want to look back because I know she wouldn’t be there, and I couldn’t blame her. She gave me a choice and I chose the lesser of two evils. If you’ve never been committed, then you don’t know what it’s like to be on the inside looking out. To know that no matter how hard you try, to know that no matter what kind of medication you take or are put on, you will never be normal.

  Chapter 14

  Self-Destruction

  I wish I could say things had turned out for the better, but they didn’t. I never went back to therapy, in fact I just kept taking it day by day to see where and how things would end up. Every day was a struggle because no matter how much I chased after Alana, she just kept walking further and further away from me. Though, at least our break up had gotten both Craig and my mother off my back, but don’t get ahead of yourself. I still loathed Craig, and refused to talk to my mother. If you ask me, they were just as much to blame for the way things ended up as I was, though I’ll leave you to your own opinions. Despite how things ended up, I still tried to muck through school and participate in even more extracurricular activities. Partying. I’m talking about partying. Even with such things, I had still managed to keep my grades up and my mother’s concern about my recent behavior at a distance. There were a couple of times I had considered tanking my education for no other reason than to royally piss of Craig. But, where was the fun in that? He was even more pissed I was doing so well, though I think that’s because he had no control over me if I wasn’t doing anything wrong.

  If you were to ask me what was going on, I truthfully didn’t know because it was like I had been on autopilot for the last few weeks, which wasn’t a bad thing, I think. When the fourth bell had rang, I rose from my seat and walked out of the classroom, and headed down the hall towards the library. There was a report due for Mr. Ryker’s class tomorrow and I had yet to start it, though I really wasn’t all that concerned, because I knew my history well. Pushing the double doors open, I walked into the library, thankful there weren’t too many students that had study hall for fifth period, save for a few people who sat quietly in the back. Placing my bag down beside a chair, I had begun to walk down through the aisle’s looking for one book. I chose to write about one woman that, despite all odds, survived one of the most tragic events to date in history: the holocaust. I was writing about Anne Frank.

  It was a pair of arms wrapping around my waist that caused me to stand still, though I don’t know if it was from shock or surprise, at least until I turned around to be greeted by a familiar set of hazel eyes and an expressionless grin.

  “Jesus, Kyle, you scared the shit out of me! The hell man?”

  My voice kept at a low whisper, so I didn’t draw any unwanted attention to myself or to otherwise disturb the students who were drawn into their studies. Shaking my head, I playfully pushed him back and had stood there with my arms crossed, giving him a look of disbelief and somewhat anger.

  “Look, about the party. I’m sorry what happened.”

  “It’s not your fault, Kyle. Besides I took the pill remember?”

  “Still I shouldn’t have given it to you. And I’m sorry I didn’t come see you.”

  “God, Kyle, the hell man. You went all soft and shit. What’s gotten into you?”

  Placing my left hand onto his cheek I gave it a faint tap and started to giggle lightly, though I was mindful to keep quiet. Though somehow, I think placing my hand on his face was a huge mistake. Why? Because the next thing I knew, my back was pressed up against the rows of books just behind me, and Kyle’s lips on my own. It wasn’t a kiss of passion, it wasn’t a kiss from someone who felt something towards you, it was a kiss of desperation. Still, that didn’t mean this was okay, that it was something I had asked for, because let me assure you, I didn’t, and I could tell he was out of his mind. Hands coming up to push him back I had gone to say something, only for his tongue to dart into my mouth, uninvited as his hand moved to my left breast. It was when his tongue met my own, did I pick up on the distinct taste of vodka, which made me start to panic. Shoving him back with force, my right hand came across his face with a resounding smack that was sure to be heard by others, along with the sound of my voice.

  “The fuck, Kyle!”

  “Why did you hit me?”

  “You need to go…right now and don’t come near me again until you’re sober.”

  “What’s your problem? Don’t act like you’re not into me. Besides, you and Alana are over. Why not let me show you true pleasure?”

  With a disgusted scoff, I moved out of the isle and had scooped up my bag and left the library, others staring at the two of us as we made our way down the hall. It wasn’t as if Kyle and I hung out on a regular basis, unless it was at a party, which seemed to happen quite a bit lately, though could you blame me? He had caught up to me just outside the cafeteria and had moved to block my path, which only added to the anger I was currently feeling.

  “Kyle, I swear to god if you don’t get out of my way I will kick you in the balls.”

  “Seriously? Come on give me a chance.”

  I had been about to retort something else, though my thoughts turned elsewhere when Alana had stopped beside the two of us, if not for any other reason to sit with us as she always did. Still, it didn’t take her long to figure out the two of us were clearly arguing about something, though as to what it was, she didn’t know.

  “What’s going on? You guys seem pretty tense.”

  “Nothing is going on. Vega here is just tweaking out for no reason.”

  “No reason? Excuse me, yo
u kissed me, and copped a feel.”

  “Whoa wait, you did what, Kyle?”

  “Dude! She’s fucking lying, why the hell would I make a move on her?”

  “Probably because you’re drunk, asshole.”

  “Serah, calm down. Kyle, did you, or didn’t you?”

  “Wait, seriously, Al? You know what, forget it!”

  Without another word I had turned right around and walked down the hall, I could hear Al calling after me, though I refused to stop and listen to the reason she chose, to discredit my story. Grabbing the other books, I needed from my locker, I placed them into my bag and headed towards the front doors, until Alana had grabbed my wrist lightly.

  “Serah, wait. Where are you going?”

  “Home. I just want to go home.”

  “Uh, you do realize school isn’t over, right?”

  Yanking my wrist from her grasp, I shot her a glare and just shook my head. I didn’t want to argue with Alana but the way things were going on? The way things ended between us, who could blame me?

  “I don’t fucking care!”

  “Serah, what is your problem?”

  “You. You are my problem, Alana.”

  “Me? What did I do?”

  “Seriously? You’re going to play the innocent card?”

  “Yes! Because I have no idea what I’ve done to piss you off so much!”

  “Let’s see, you broke up with me all because I didn’t want to go back to therapy. You keep treating me like I’m some fragile little doll, which, I’m not. And just now? You asked Kyle for the truth, when I had already told you what happened!”

  “Did you ever stop to think I treat you like that because I love you? That I care about you more than you’ll ever know? And as for Kyle? It’s not like I didn’t believe you, I just wanted to hear it from him.”

  Her hands went for my own, though this time I couldn’t push her away, instead, I had pulled her into a hug and just let her hold me for what seemed like forever. When she had let go, I had tears in my eyes that were threatening to fall, but I didn’t let them. Taking in a deep breath I gave her a sympathetic look, before I had realized something.

  “You, you still love me, Al?”

  “Of course, I do, Serah. God! Being without you is like not being able to breathe, and it sucks.”

  “Then why? Why let me go?”

  “Because you need to talk to someone. You’re hurting, and I can see that.”

  No matter how hard I would always try to deny it, Alana was right, which by now I’m sure was clear to those around me that knew me well. I did need help, but it was accepting that fact that would make it so damn hard to seek it out. I loved Al. Christ I would do anything for this woman and yet, to be without her? It was killing me. As her lips had met my own, I could feel that familiar flutter of joy in my heart as a smile crept across my lips. Though as with many things in my life? Doubt had begun to cloud my mind faster than I could push it away.

  Seriously? You’re going to forgive her just like that? She dumped us remember?

  Breaking the kiss I had placed a hand against Al’s chest pushing her back slightly, and a look of hurt came across her face which damn near devastated me. But I couldn’t ignore my thoughts, because she was right. Wait, I mean, I was right. But, we were both the same, which meant I really was losing my mind all over again, she was back, the doubter, the one who always hid away, was back.

  “Serah? What’s wrong? You look confused.”

  “You kissed me…”

  “Yes, I did, and I would like to do it again.”

  “You can’t Al. We can’t. We shouldn’t.”

  “You don’t want me back?”

  Tell her the truth, tell her about me. Tell her you really are crazy. That you hear voices that aren’t really there.

  “I can’t.”

  “You can’t what, Serah? Tell me what’s going on.”

  Do it! Tell her we can’t trust her anymore. Tell her we don’t need her.

  “I can’t trust you. We can’t trust you.”

  “We? Serah, what do you mean we?”

  “You’ll leave us again. Just like my father did. You don’t love me.”

  “Serah, you’re starting to scare me!”

  She should be afraid. Break her heart like she broke ours.

  “Just stay away from me!”

  Turning on my heel, I headed out the front doors without so much as a backward glance, her voice calling out to me in a desperate tone. I could tell she was crying, she was afraid. She should have been, because I was. There was this pain, this panic deep inside my chest that had slowly started to swell so much, that I felt as if it would pop at any moment. That feeling? It was something I had not felt since the very day my father had died, the day I knew I killed him. The guilt, the pain, the resentment from my mother? It had all come crashing back down on me, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Why? Why couldn’t I just be like other people? Why couldn’t I be normal? To not have this pain inside me, to not feel like everything I did was meaningless. To not know, why I felt that way.

  Bursting in through my front door, I had closed it right behind me and ran up the stairs and into my room, which was the only place I could call safe, well, until it slowly started to spin. Dropping my bag onto the floor, I took in slow deep breaths, which really didn’t seem to help and neither did the sound of my mother’s voice, as she came into my room.

  “Vega? What are you doing home from school?”

  “Sick. Not feeling too good.”

  “Are you okay?”

  Now she’s pretending to care? What’s with her? Hell, she’s worse than the rest of them.

  “Go away. Get out, just go away.”

  “Vega? What on earth has gotten into you?”

  It had taken her a few moments to realize that something was very wrong with me. The look she had on her face? I hadn’t seen it since the night my dad died: she was scared. The closer she came towards me, the more I had moved away, until I found the farthest corner of my room and gripped to the walls. I just couldn’t breathe!

  “Oh god! Craig! Craig! Get in here! Vega, Vega, look at me okay?”

  His footsteps were unmistakable, left shuffle on his foot, it was an annoying habit even my own mother couldn’t stand, but it was there. I knew it was him, and it didn’t help.

  “What the fuck is going on now? And why is she home?”

  “I don’t know. She’s having one of her panic attacks. I need you to help me calm her down.”

  I think your mother is fucked in the head. Did she seriously ask him to help us? Hell, I wouldn’t let him near us! He will probably try to kill us.

  “No, she’s right. Stay away from me, don’t fucking come near me.”

  “Vega? What are you talking about? I didn’t tell him to stay away, I told him to help.”

  “We don’t want his help, we don’t need it!”

  “We? Rachel, your daughter has clearly lost her mind.”

  “I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.”

  My words repeated as the figure of my mother and her husband began to blur in and out of focus. I really couldn’t breathe. It was like the harder I tried to get my breathing under control, the more air I lost. I could feel Craig’s hands on my shoulders as he shook me, though not in a violent manner.

  “Hey, stop acting like a god damn lunatic and calm down.”

  “Craig! She’s not a lunatic! I told you she’s having a panic attack. She used to get them all the time.”

  “Rachel, she was using the word ‘we’ and she wasn’t talking about you and me. She lost her damn mind.”

  “Get off me!”

  Hands outright, I shoved him as hard as I could, only to hear a loud crack, followed by his yell. Next thing I knew, I had made my way towards my bedroom door, or tried to, before I felt his hand grip my wrist.

  “Stupid bitch. You trying to kill me!”

  Kill you? Don’t tempt us, fucking psychopath.

&
nbsp; Though unknown to me, when I had shoved him, he had hit the side of his head off the corner of my dresser; there was no blood, but still, it probably hurt like hell.

  “Craig! Let her go, you’re scaring her!”

  “Rachel, stop bitching and just call the damn cops! Have her crazy ass locked away.”

  “She’s not crazy! Just let her go!”

  When my mother had taken hold of his arm to try and get him to let go of my wrist, there was this look in his eyes, one I had not ever seen him give before, at least, not towards my mother. His free hand came across her face, making her let go of his wrist, and she stumbled back just a bit. When I had seen blood drip from the corner of my mother’s mouth? It had only added to the panic I already felt, though there was plenty of anger mixed in. Leaping onto Craig’s back I had pulled my arms around his neck squeezing it tightly, only holding tighter as he tried to otherwise, throw me off.

  “Vega! Vega, let go of him! It was an accident!”

  “Fucking bastard! How dare you hit her!”

  “Get the hell off me!”

  His steps faltered a bit, though he was a hell of a lot stronger than I thought, though what could I really have expected? He did have a good hundred pounds on me. Which was why when he slammed me back up against the wall, I felt like all the breath in my body had just been knocked clean out of me. As I laid there on my bedroom floor, I could hear his footsteps fade as he had mumbled something under his breath that I couldn’t quite catch. Tears had fell from my eyes as my mother had just brought me into her arms, and she too, like me had begun to start crying but why?

  “Mom…why are you crying?”

  “Because, you’re hurting.”

  Really? Please don’t tell me you’re going to fall for this shit. She doesn’t care about us.