by Emma Ashwood
As he watched the cow being carried away, he had a flash back to the morning when they had come to take Elsa. He had stood at the window, watching the cart rumble down the road, feeling as though it took his heart and soul with it. He hadn't cried since, or barely mentioned Elsa to anyone. He could barely even remember the funeral; he had shut down so thoroughly.
Now for the first time, he found himself wondering what Elsa would have wanted. She had never known him like this. Would she be horrified at what he had become? He had thought he was being faithful to her memory by closing his heart off to the world, but Elsa had been sweet, caring, filled with a zest for life. He knew deep down she would never have wanted him to be living his life like this, five years after she had gone. Yet this was normality now. Things were predictable and ordered and the ranch kept him busy night and day. He had never felt the need for any other companionship. He told himself he didn't miss the warm touch of a woman; that part of him had died along with his wife and child.
Now he knew he was lying. Now he found himself every night fighting not to go to Tally's room and claim his new bride; and at the same time he knew it was about so much more than just the physical. Tally seemed to have access to that soft and wounded part of him that had been locked away for so long, and it scared him.
For the first time in his life, Jacob Tucker was terrified of a woman.
He sensed Pete still looking at him and tightened his jaw, intent that no emotion should show to his oldest friend and one-time mentor.
'Shame we couldn't save the calf at least,' Pete said. His comment was innocent enough, but there was a searching look in his eyes and Jacob knew the man was picking up on his disturbance. He set his shoulders, once more the boss.
'It would have been a liability. We've got no room for an extra mouth to feed; it could be a rough season and we need to be frugal,' he said, more firmly than he had intended. When Pete looked shocked and turned on his heel without another word, Jacob wondered what he had said wrong.
Pete walked back home with a heavy heart, his jacket up against his ears to fight off the bitter wind that was blowing faster and stronger as the day wore on. If Jacob couldn't find the resources for an animal, what was he going to say about a baby born out of wedlock? He cursed himself for not speaking to him sooner rather than waiting and hoping for the right time and place, which of course had never arrived. Now Ellie could be just days away from delivery and it was shaping up to be the worst time for this to happen and for Jacob to find out. He wondered if going through Miss Tally might be an idea. She seemed very fond of Ellie and certainly a lot softer of heart than her husband. Maybe she could talk to him, give him some time to assimilate the news before the baby arrived?
He walked through his front door into the tiny home he shared with Ellie and stared at the scene before him, the realization dawning on him that it was already far, far too late. Ellie was walking up and down, leaning on Tally May, her hands clutching her stomach and her face contorted with pain. Pete took in the look on his daughter's face, the shock on Tally's and the puddle on the floor and ran to his daughter’s side. She sank into his arms sobbing, while Tally ran to shut the door, taking a quick glance outside to ensure no-one was around.
'It hurts,' Ellie moaned in his arms, and Pete held her awkwardly, feeling his panic mount. He had no idea what to do in these circumstances. He was a man, he hadn't been present at Ellie's birth. He tried to think what he would do if it were a calving – the process couldn’t be much different after all – but his mind was blank, other than the urge to protect his daughter and soothe her pain like he had when she was a little girl when she had fell over running around the ranch. He raised frightened eyes to Tally, who, although her face looked pinched and white with shock, was thankfully calm, her voice low.
'I've attended my cousin and sisters’ births, I have a fair idea of what to do - at this stage, at least,' she said, 'but I can't deliver the baby. Have you made plans for this?'
'We didn't dare tell the doctor before Mr. Tucker was told,' Ellie said, sounding surprisingly strong in between her labor pains, 'but Mags knows. She does midwifery and... things. You need to get her, Pa.'
Pete nodded, glad of something useful to do, although looking out the window at the brewing storm he wondered if he and the cart would get there in one piece. And he had to hope Jacob didn't notice his absence. Thinking along the same lines, Tally said, 'Once you've got her, you'll have to go back to work and try and act as normal as possible. Telling Jacob right in the middle of all this may not be the best idea.' She looked over at Ellie, who was doubled over again. The pains were coming swiftly, and she prayed the baby would hold off until Pete got back with Mags. 'Best there's no distractions right now.'
The last thing Ellie needed was Jacob bursting in. Although she hoped he would be compassionate towards the girl, she was worried his initial reaction would be anything but, and the thought of a vulnerable Ellie at the receiving end of that coldness made her stomach tighten.
Pete was nodding, no doubt with some relief that he wasn't expected to have a hands-on role in the birth, and he went to embrace Ellie awkwardly as he left, but she pushed him off with what looked to be no small measure of annoyance.
'Go on, Pa. Or the baby will be here before you've gotten the cart out of the gate.' As Pete rushed off, Tally couldn't help but smile at the sudden assertiveness Ellie was displaying. Her mother always said laboring women veered between despair and anger. For now at least Ellie seemed to be headed toward the latter.
With Pete gone, Ellie sank to the floor holding on to the legs of the small table. Her face was tensed, and Tally put her hands on the girl's lower back, massaging roughly. For all her brave words to Pete, she had been too young at her relatives’ births to be much more than an annoyance, and she was desperately trying to remember everything she had picked up about the birthing process from the females around her growing up. She needed fresh clean water, she knew that much, but the tap was down the hall towards the main part of the ranch and she didn't want to risk being seen by Jacob.
Suddenly Ellie gave a sharp gasp and threw her head back, and Tally felt the girl’s whole-body straining.
'Ellie, what's happening?'
Ellie gripped the table leg and rocked backwards and forwards, her eyes squeezed shut. Tally waited until the pain had passed and the girl looked more relaxed before asking again; 'Ellie? Do you want to go through to your room and get more comfortable?'
'The baby's coming,' Ellie panted, 'I can feel it.'
Her body tensed with pain again and a noise somewhere between a growl and a scream came from deep within her. Tally tried not to panic, not to let the girl see how completely helpless she felt.
The head. She could remember something about the baby's head.
'Can you feel the head, Ellie?'
Ellie checked under her skirts, hoisting them up to her knees, and nodded. She burst into tears, overwhelmed with the intense shock of what was happening. Tally felt her own body becoming shaky but fought to keep her voice calm.
'You need to guide the baby's head out with your hands; it’s going to be hard but try not to push on the next pain.'
Ellie nodded, speaking through gritted teeth. 'Mags told me this part burns like hell, but then it's easy.'
Tally held Ellie from behind, taking her weight and making soothing sounds as the pain came and with it the burning of the baby's head crowning. Then she reached around to help as the rest of Ellie's son emerged into the world, helping guide him to his mother's chest. Time seemed to have stood still and Tally realized she was crying tears of awe as the miracle of life played out right in front of her eyes.
She rushed to fetch a blanket from Ellie's bedroom and braved going to get water when Pete rushed back in through the door, bringing with him not Mags but the veterinarian. He had come across him as he went for the cart and, knowing the chances of getting to town and back in the harsh weather before the baby's arrival were slim, had poured his hea
rt out to the veterinarian who had agreed to help. He had led him around the back of the ranch so as not to be seen but still make it in time.
As he walked in and saw the face of his grandson for the first time, he went white with shock. Tally went to him, guiding him to the chair, looking up at the veterinarian for reassurance.
'Are you the doctor? The baby seems fine. I got her a blanket; I didn't know what else to do.' She realized she was speaking too fast and wondered if she shouldn't be sitting down herself.
The veterinarian introduced himself, explaining he had attended human births before and that Tally – and of course Ellie – had clearly done an amazing job. He sent Pete for water before he cut and tied the cord. Tally tidied up and put fresh sheets on the girl’s bed so that she and the baby could lie down in comfort. Tally couldn't help but notice how thin and threadbare the linen was and felt angry at Jacob. Did he not think to better provide for his most loyal worker? She wondered if he had ever even thought about it, and no doubt Pete was too proud to ask.
As she sat with Ellie after the veterinarian had left, with Pete trying to hide how he was both full of fear and fit to burst with pride at the birth of a lusty young grandson, Tally thought how quiet Ellie was. She was exhausted of course, but even so there was none of the quiet pride or joy one might expect; Ellie looked down at the baby feeding in her arms with an almost blank expression, and her eyes were dull. Tally put a hand to her forehead to check she wasn't running a temperature, but she felt fine. No doubt the girl was in shock; she was so young, and the birth had been so quick. And the future for them both was so terribly uncertain.
Tally looked at the baby, who had stopped suckling and gone to sleep on the breast.
'Do you want me to hold him for a while, Ellie, so you can get some sleep?' she asked softly. The girl nodded and handed the baby over gratefully before nestling down under the blanket. Tally retreated to the main room and sat in the battered old rocking chair, finding herself singing a lullaby she had supposed she had long forgotten, to the child. She gazed into the child's sleeping face, taking in each new pore and crease and wrinkle, and felt suddenly and unbearably sad.
Jacob was surprised to find the kitchen empty, and even more surprised at how dejected he felt not just by the absence of the delicious meal he had come to expect but also the presence of Tally herself. It had been a long day, fighting against the elements to get the cattle rounded up and into the barn - and a strange one, too. Pete hadn't been himself all day, and he had seen the veterinarian leaving nearly an hour after he had finished up with the calf. He wondered if the man had been snooping, perhaps a spy from another ranch. He knew there were bigger ranches in the area without half his success and jealousy was rife; ranching wasn't an easy life to choose.
If he was really honest with himself, sometimes he wondered if it was even worth it. But what else would he do? In fact, what else could he do? He had been born to inherit the ranch and it had once been a passion, almost as much as Elsa. Since her death it had become more of an obsession, a way to keep busy, to distract, and his success was hollow without her to share it with.
But now there was Tally. He wondered if it was too late to try and build bridges with her, but even as he thought it he felt the fear rise up in him. The thought of letting her in terrified him, yet ever since she had arrived he felt his mask slipping and it was getting harder and harder to hold it in place. It was making him even grumpier, he knew, especially with Pete, who knew him too well and saw far too much. He had bridges to build there too.
Jacob put his head in his hands, looking down the big wooden table to where Tally usually sat and to the stove where either she or Ellie were usually bustling about, and wondered where everyone was.
Not to mention why he cared.
Pete watched Tally rocking the baby in the chair. She looked up at him with tired eyes and smiled. The way she held the baby so tenderly, and the look of love in her eyes made it apparent she would be a great mother, Pete thought. If Jacob ever gave her that chance.
'Ellie's asleep,' Tally whispered. Pete hung up his coat and crouched in front of the fire, glad for the heat. The wind had died down, but it was raining now, and he felt chilled to the bone.
'How is she?' he asked and couldn't miss the look of concern on Tally's face, in spite of her soothing tone.
'She seems well enough, physically. But she seemed...overwhelmed....by everything that had happened. That's natural I suppose, isn't it?'
'I guess so,' Pete said, though he was surprised to see Ellie had relinquished the care of her baby so quickly. He remembered when she had been born that you practically had to wrestle his wife for her, she was so protective. But then Ellie was still so much a child herself. And it was hard to be happy about the arrival of a child that might well spell your ruin.
'When will you tell Jacob?' Tally asked. 'It's going to be hard to keep it a secret now. Ellie will need to rest, and we can't tell him she's ill forever. Plus the baby will cry. I know you're a way away from the barn and the house, but even so...'
Tally clutched the baby to her, a gesture that didn't go unnoticed by Pete. He flushed and couldn't quite meet her gaze as he asked, 'I was wondering if you could help us there? It's my responsibility, I know, ma'am, but Mr. Tucker has been like a bear with a sore head recently. Perhaps it might be better coming from a woman, like?'
Tally smirked, though her eyes were sad. 'Perhaps we could tell him together? Or I'd feel like I was telling tales. And I'm as guilty of keeping secrets from him now as you are. I wish I could say my presence would help but honestly, Pete,' she gave a bitter laugh, tiredness making her too exhausted for optimism, 'he barely notices I'm alive.'
Pete didn't know what to say, but his heart went out to her. He took the baby from her and passed her her cloak, watching as she bent to give the boy the slightest touch of her lips to his forehead.
'Goodnight, little one,' she whispered, and before she turned to leave, Pete saw the unmistakable flash of longing in her eyes. It made him wonder if there might not be a way out of this mess after all.
CHAPTER NINE
Chapter 8
Tally was up early the next morning, dressing without even bothering to pin her hair, and rushing down to the kitchen where she prepared a warm bone broth for Ellie, to help get her blood back up as well as her spirits. Tally had barely slept, both overwhelmed at the miracle she had witnessed and been part of and worried for Ellie and her baby’s future.
Not to mention being suddenly confronted by her own deepest longings. Sitting and holding the boy so tiny and helpless in her arms, Tally had felt a rush of maternal feeling and had known without doubt that she didn’t just want to be a mother at some point; she needed to. And along with that she had to confront the fact that, if things stayed the way they were in her marriage, that was never going to happen.
She knew she had to speak to Jacob, although she felt desperately embarrassed to raise the subject, but facts were facts. If all he wanted her for was a housekeeper, then she would never get to be a mother – or truly be a wife – and that was untenable to her. In the quiet of the night as she had tossed and turned, unable as on so many of her nights here, to sleep, a thought had struck her. A thought she had initially tried to push away but which had grown stronger as the night wore on.
The marriage could be annulled. She had heard of that before; she knew it was possible. They were husband and wife in name only; it could be done. She had married under flash pretenses Her reputation would suffer, but at least she would have some chance at a future. More, it seemed, than she was going to have here.
As she found a cover for the pot and pulled her shawl around her to brave the rain, she tried to push such thoughts out of her mind. Ellie needed her right now; figuring out what to do about her marriage would have to wait. In any case, it occurred to her, when Jacob found out she had kept this from him, he might well send her away anyway.