The No Contact Rule

by Natalie Lue

  7. Your message, whatever guise it takes, may be disruptive. It’s bad enough when they mess with your head, but actually, being NC and then reaching out sends mixed messages. There is also the not-so-small matter of the possibility that they may be involved with someone else and that you sending messages as if you have some sort of claim on them even though ironically, you’re NC, may create friction and cross boundaries.

  8. Don’t send a gift. ‘Nuff said.

  9. If you’re thinking about sending a text, email or tippy tapping out a Facebook message, you’re just not that serious about sending a message. Yes I’m sure these feel ‘easier’ but again, if you’re that worried about avoiding conflict and not opening yourself up to hurt, stick to NC.

  10. Think ahead. NC is very much about getting conscious, thinking ahead and planning for success instead of planning for failure. Each year has occasions in the calendar – how are you going to deal with these? They’re inevitable so there’s no point in being surprised by them. Put a message in your diary or calendar to remind you to stick to NC and if you know that you get card angst, put reminders in your phone in the days running up to the date to keep you on the right track, like “Remember! It’s not my birthday” or “Make plans on _______ so that I don’t feel lonely and vulnerable”.

  Mutual Friends and Friends of Your Ex’s

  Genuine mutual friends are people with whom you both share friendships mutually, which is different to friends of theirs that you’ve become acquainted with but they’re essentially still their friends. It doesn’t matter how well you feel that you get on with them because if you don’t have a friendship that exists or can move to exist beyond your involvement with your ex, you maintaining contact with these people will only open you up to pain that you can afford to miss out on.

  Whether it’s that they’re genuine mutual friends or acquaintances you’ve met via your ex, how you handle these people has the potential to affect not only your emotional health during this time, including anxiety levels, but also how successful you are at making NC stick.

  Fears around ’protocol’ and conflict may have you scared of addressing this situation and pre-empting the potential for a conflict of interest with your ex, but addressing this issue sooner rather than later will serve NC best. There’s also an added benefit – it’s very easy for so-called mutual friends and acquaintances to form a skewed opinion of you when you appear to be bang smack in the middle of drama with your ex and sharing all sorts of stories, so by distancing yourself and/or effectively taking the high road, you end up gaining far more respect, especially if your ex is running their mouth.

  1. Don’t hang out with these people just to babysit your reputation. Aside from the fact that people are going to think and do what they want to regardless of whether you’re living in their pockets, it’s not very good for your psyche to spend your time on edge and people pleasing. That, and you have way better things to do with your time.

  2. Remove the shit stirrers. If a person has contributed to drama between you and your ex, distance yourself immediately, which includes removing them from Facebook if you’re connected there. If after the breakup they’ve proven to be disruptive, quietly distance yourself if possible.

  3. Minimise the potential to hear gossip. Instruct all mutual friends not to come to you with any information about your ex, unless they have ‘the clap’ or some other such STD that affects your health. You need to move on, not hear out-of-context information where people make more out of something than actually exists.

  4. Avoid fishing for information. Believe me, it never sounds as casual as you think it does and you may give the impression that your conversation has all been a preamble to the main agenda – getting information about your ex. The first few times you don’t ask, it can feel excruciating but it gets easier. This also has the added benefit of ensuring that should you end up being wounded by something you hear about your ex, at least you’ll know that it wasn’t due to your own rampant curiosity.

  5. Don’t hold yourself hostage to uncomfortable conversations. If your friends are your friends, they’ll have a modicum of decency and realise that it’s of no benefit for you to hear about how your ex is shagging around, their relationship isn’t working out, or that they look sad. Will you thank them when you not only fall off the wagon but discover that nothing much has really changed? Rather than continue to feel wounded each time your ex is brought up in conversation, bite the bullet and say, “I know you mean well but I really would rather not hear about _______________ (whatever it is that they’ve just said)” or change the subject as soon as possible without contributing an opinion.

  6. If the ’friendship’ enables you to maintain a flimsy connection to your ex, it’s a form of keeping contact! You may have genuine intentions at this time but don’t be afraid to have an honest conversation with yourself and evaluate the authenticity of your friendship further down the line. If it becomes clear that a lot of what binds you is your ex and talking about them, for the sake of your emotional peace, refocus your energy on your own friendships. I know all of this because I’ve done it and not only is it not fair on the person who thinks that you want to be friends (you’re using them no matter which way you look at it) but you’re also deluding yourself and stalling the process of moving on.

  7. Don’t expect or even demand that they side with you – this is validation seeking. Yes, your ex may well be a jackass but that doesn’t mean that you have the right to hijack their friendships or to attempt to force their friends to see them in a negative light. This is crossing boundaries and the harder you try to convince them, the more you look like you’re protesting too much and it starts to look like you’re the problem. Just because they’re friends, it doesn’t mean that they agree with your ex’s behaviour but even if they do, all that does is show that you have incompatible values and that you can’t be friends.

  8. Avoid meeting up with genuine mutual friends until you’re in a stronger position. Sometimes hanging out triggers nostalgia or at the very least, what can result in a very painful outpouring of grief, which in turn may have you reaching out to your ex if you’re particularly vulnerable. Hanging out and having a good time can give you a false sense of security that maybe things weren’t ‘that bad’ and that you’ve been ‘too harsh’, ‘too hasty’ or too something. That said, if they really are true friends, bite the bullet and hang out – it gets easier and easier each time and they will understand.

  9. Don’t get embroiled in drama when you’re out socially. Whether it’s dirty looks, staring and then laughing or whispering, awkward accusations or full-on confrontations, it all ends up looking a bit like you’re auditioning for Jerry Springer. You can politely say hello, have a brief conversation and move away to someone else, smile and wave and then refocus on speaking to whoever you’re with, or leave if you think it’s going to blow up.

  Family

  If you’ve gotten to know your ex’s family and have actually become quite fond of, and close to, them, the truth is that you have to break up with them too. It doesn’t mean that you’re never going to be in touch again but what you and they have to recognise is that you can’t all continue on as if the breakup never happened or that your ex’s feelings don’t matter.

  Maintaining a relationship with them and even discussing your ex could end up tapping into feelings of rejection and abandonment for your ex and the truth is, there is a boundary issue. They may feel like your family too (and they may be if you both share children) but it’s important to remember that NC is about inserting some boundaries into your life, breaking habits and establishing new patterns so that you can move forward.

  1. If you’re close with their family, do call visit themsend an email (but not a text) and let them know that you’re going to be out of touch for a while. Tell them that you’ve loved getting to know them and the times that you’ve shared etc, but that you need to take some time out to come to terms with the loss of the relationship. Don’t be derog
atory about your ex even if they appear to side with you.

  2. They may ask for reasons but you don’t have to go into detail about why you’re doing NC. Instead of providing very specific, detailed reasons you can say something like, “The breakup has been really hard for both of us and for me, I’m realising that being in touch/trying to make it work again is causing me too much pain. Who knows? We [you and your ex] may be able to be friends later down the line but it’s not possible at the moment.”

  3. If you’re going to explain, keep it to three points and short. Remember that if you get into nitty gritty details, you may end up not only feeling like you have to argue these points but you may be revealing sensitive information. For instance, they may be unaware that your ex has been abusing drugs and alcohol. That said, if your ex has been engaging in dangerous behaviour (abusive, stalking, addiction etc), them knowing may keep your ex at bay. That said, it may anger your ex and aggravate further behaviour.

  4. Don’t get sucked in by being guilted or their rationalisations or even protestations that your ex needs you to be a better person or whatever. They weren’t in your relationship, it’s not up to them to determine what you can or ‘should’ handle, and it’s not up to you to save your ex, which would make it an incredibly unhealthy, codependent relationship. They are your ex’s family – they need to take responsibility for providing support instead of micromanaging your input to avoid stepping up.

  5. Don’t stress if they do get in touch. Remember they may feel a bit attached to you (hey you’re a likeable person!) and they will have to go through their own grieving process which is helped by the boundaries that you’re building during the NC process. But do request that they don’t pass information about your ex to you or vice versa.

  Of course it may be that it’s a member of your family that’s been in touch with your ex and this can also represent boundary issues especially if it appears like the family member is discounting your version of events or seems to have little regard for your feelings. It may feel like they’re taking sides as there may be an expectation that now that you’re broken up, their connection ‘should’ end too.

  This situation is tricky and it depends on a number of factors including your relationship with the family member, whether they’re regarding it as something that they don’t want to get involved in, whether they are clear on the issues, and what type of relationship they have with your ex. If they were friends or professionally involved prior to your involvement, it can be tricky to say ’pick sides’ even if technically they ‘should’ because you’re family. It can be even trickier if they’re either not fully aware of what happened between you and so think that you’re being ‘dramatic’ or something, or they are fully aware but possibly being sympathetic and even supportive with your ex.

  There is no easy way to handle this situation and it’s something that you have to feel your way around. While treating this situation like the ‘mutual friends’ situation may help to a degree, this is likely to only go so far if your relationship with the family member(s) is strained or even fraught.

  If your relationship with your ex is what I would regard as a ‘code red’ relationship, i.e. there is verbal, emotional or physical abuse, addiction, boundary-busting behaviour or basically anything that amounts to being treated without love, care, trust and respect, you may need to quietly distance yourself from your family.

  You should be able to explain your reasons in a brief or even detailed manner (they are your family after all) but the truth is, if the dynamic in your family is unhealthy and may actually play a part in why you might be involved with your ex in the first place, they won’t ‘get’ the fact that you don’t want to continue your involvement. They may feel that being in a volatile relationship is normal so you making a different, healthier choice may cause them to feel uncomfortable, which incidentally, isn’t your problem. Your ex may also have charmed your family (abusive types can be very manipulative and divisive) which is all the more reason to keep a record of everything they say and do.

  1. Explain your reasons but don’t look for their permission. You don’t need their permission to end your own relationship or to hold the perspective that you do.

  2. Try to stick to brief explanations. If you’re inclined to be a people pleaser with your family, I would keep your explanation brief (the 3-pointer) and ensure that you’re completely clear on your own reasons for doing NC so it doesn’t feel like you’re trying to convince them and you. This also ensures that you cannot be talked around. “I appreciate your point of view but I’ve already done a lot of thinking on this and I’ve given this as much of a try as possible and it’s time for me to step back. I hope that you can try to understand my decision and I would really appreciate your support, but also appreciate that you’re friends with them and I’m not seeking to interfere with this”.

  3. Do request that they don’t chat about your private business to your ex. If you already know that there’s a ‘leak’, I would do yourself a favour and not let them know anything that you wouldn’t want them passing to your ex. You can take the route of stressing yourself out over their chatterbox ways and saying “I should be able to tell my own family _____________” or you can respect who this person is or isn’t and adjust accordingly instead of setting yourself up for pain. People ‘should’ do a lot of things… but they don’t. If you know that they’ve got a big mouth, I wouldn’t even bother asking them not to say anything because their indignation at you even asking coupled with your vulnerability may trigger their big mouth. If they don’t have anything, they’ll be free to make it up or poke around.

  4. Try to find out if they’re being invited to something but don’t raise hell over it. Assuming that you’ve already let them know that you’re no longer in touch with your ex, don’t waste your time explaining. If you let them know ahead of time that you’re changing your mind about going, there will be this big drama about trying to get you to change your mind. Next thing you have people pulling the ‘maturity’ card. If they show up, keep a polite distance and if it’s too much, quietly make an exit. At the end of the day, what does this family member expect? A red carpet welcome?

  5. Don’t allow your family to pass messages. This is when things can become very juvenile so the best thing is to nip it in the bud and remind them that you don’t want to hear about or from them, or just don’t respond.

  6. You may need to be frank with your kids, especially if they’re teenagers. Sometimes your child knows a relationship partner and may even have a level of affection for them or even feel particularly bonded if their other parent isn’t around. You don’t need to go into immense detail with your child but after hearing from quite a few parents whose children have been manipulated by ex-partners who have tricked them into letting them into their home or giving out their parents new number, it would be remiss of me not to emphasise the importance of protecting your safety. It’s sad that another person would attempt to compromise your child but if you do find that your ex is attempting to get to you via your child or has already tried to, it’s time to slam down the boundary gauntlet.

  -- There’s no need to scare the bejaysus out of them but do stress to your child that there are some issues that mean that it’s important that they don’t pass your information to your ex or to let them into your home.

  -- If you let your ex know that you’re going NC, do ask that they respect it and not attempt to approach you through your kids.

  -- Agree a password that you will give to someone who you’ve made an arrangement with to come to your home. If your ex claims that they’re meeting you at your home, your child can ask for the password and it won’t seem so strange if this is something that’s put into practice across the board.

  -- If your ex is approaching your children (and they’re not adults), consider this to be serious and note any and all approaches and speak with your local law enforcement about your options.

  Dealing With Possessions

  NC or no
NC, breakups often involve the not so small matter of dealing with possessions, both returning theirs and getting yours back. For the sake of your own emotional health and the tendency to get nostalgic when it’s a tough day, it’s better to deal with the possessions issue from the outset rather than leave it. If there’s going to be wrangling, better to get it out of the way now and know exactly where you stand – do not save up the discussion about possessions as a future potential opening for making contact because actually, it’s what shady types tend to do in order to leverage it and gain control.

  If you are serious about cutting contact and don’t want to engage in any game playing, sort out possessions pronto. Don’t start NC in haste and then have to organise possessions at leisure, not least because it’s bloody stressful and will undermine your efforts.

  One of the things that giving or taking back possessions does if you haven’t started NC, is act as final communication that can help those of you with a tendency to want to say what is on your mind. If you’ve been thinking, “I should tell them I’m going NC”, asking for your possessions or leaving them at their place will take care of this discussion.

  I must reiterate: don’t use giving back or taking possessions as a way to open up a dialogue because it is unlikely to yield anything other than conflict that will still end up causing you to do NC, only now you have even more headache than you started out with. In fact, it may even stall the process if you spend enough time listening because you may get nostalgic or believe excuses and decide to do One Last Chance Again. That aside, you still need to deal with possessions.