The No Contact Rule

by Natalie Lue

  For a start, go through every room in your home and cleanse your place of everything that either 1) belongs to this person or 2) are mementos of your relationship.

  Be rigorous in the cleanse and for the time being focus on picking up everything. You can sort it out once you’ve gathered them all and put them together. If you’re feeling very upset, it may help to have a friend with you but choose a friend that will be kind but ‘no nonsense’ and get on with the job at hand. You don’t need someone confusing the issue or trying to distract you from your intentions. I know you’re probably feeling crappy, but put on some music and treat it like a cleaning session. The sooner it’s over, the sooner you can reclaim your space.

  WHAT TO RETURN

  -- Anything of value whether that’s monetary value, or they’re crazy about it, or it technically belongs to someone else, for example it was loaned to them or it belongs to a friend or family member, or is even an heirloom.

  -- Give back CDs, books, iPods, iPads, laptops, TVs, cameras, mobile phones, their photos and other mementos/possessions. If they have toiletries that are of value (i.e. they’re proper cosmetics with a proper name on them and they’re at least half full), include these as well.

  -- Return clothing (no need to wash and iron) and that includes any you purchased. I wouldn’t kill yourself looking for the missing feet of odd socks, and even though you could easily throw out dirty underwear, for a personal giggle, you can always package it up with their stuff.

  -- Engagement rings should be returned unless they’ve already told you to keep it. If it’s the latter option, I’d look into your selling options… They make for a nice little holiday. I intended to sell my old one, forgot about it, and then sold it a few weeks before my wedding several years later and the cash came in very handy – thank you very much ex!

  RETURNING THEIR STUFF

  -- Either call, send an email, or let them know when you’re face-to-face (assuming that you’re currently still around one another) and provide two dates and times for collection (or drop off) of their possessions. If you leave it vague, they’ll possibly be vague too. Offering a couple of dates and times means that they either have to pick one or suggest an alternative.

  -- If for whatever reason they don’t collect the items, send one reminder email requesting that they collect the items by a certain date (this ensures that you’ve got proof should an issue arise further down the line) and that if they don’t, you will assume that they no longer need the items and they’ll be passed to charity. Note, if you’ve started NC, it doesn’t mean you’ve broken it by having to send the reminder. An alternative is to return the items to their friend, especially if they’re dodging collecting them or providing you with somewhere to send it.

  -- Peace of mind is priceless so if you can afford it and it’s a matter of a small amount of items, box up the stuff and send it by post/courier – make sure it’s signed for so that they can’t claim it wasn’t received or get proof of postage. Or drop them off when they’re not around (put in a sheltered area like a porch or bag up in a labelled refuse sack). If it’s small, you can send it to their office. Note that a lot of courier companies take a mobile/cell number and get in touch with the recipient a few hours beforehand which means that there really is no reason why your ex cannot take receipt of their own property.

  -- If they start down the whole claiming that they’ve left something at yours, make sure that they give you a list of everything at that point so that they don’t keep pulling the same moves. I’ve heard from a woman whose ex calls up every couple of months or so, or harangues her with texts about missing spoons! They’ve been broken up well over a year!

  -- Getting a list of stuff from them at the outset will also make it easier for you to pack up.

  -- If you pack up their stuff without their assistance, inventory it and take photos of any valuable items so that you cannot be blamed for any damage.

  -- If there’s a lot of stuff, agree a date and time for them to come around and take everything, and then make yourself scarce while you’re there. I know some people who get their parent or a friend to keep an eye on things and it spares you from having awkward conversations.

  -- Don’t purposefully damage or even destroy items because aside from being vengeful, it’s also illegal.

  RETRIEVING YOUR STUFF

  -- If you haven’t broken up yet or you haven’t moved out, I would start organising your stuff and removing any sentimental or valuable items if possible, especially if you have genuine concerns that they may do something to them (like destroy or sell them) behind your back. You could ask a trusted friend or family member to take care of the items or you could also put them into short-term storage. If you haven’t broken up yet though, do be careful of removing so much stuff that you alert them before you’ve let them know.

  -- Suggest a couple of days and times when you can go to their place or they can drop off. Do it by email or phone and of course you can follow it up with texts. State in the communication that if they cannot do either of those days and times, to suggest a couple of alternatives.

  -- If you don’t want to see them (this is understandable), arrange for a courier or a good friend to collect the items on a specific day and time.

  -- It’s your responsibility to ensure that if you’re not collecting the stuff, that you provide as comprehensive a list as possible for the person who is collecting/packing it up.

  -- Don’t do it in dribs and drabs aka stalling the retrieval to maintain contact.

  -- Do make sure you hold onto any important receipts, just in case they make a claim for an item that you know is yours.

  -- If they won’t return something and it’s of sentimental value or it’s straight up valuable, you may have to go down the legal route especially if you have records of this person saying that they would return it as well as the receipts or any other proof of ownership. It’s tough because I’ve heard from people whose exes wouldn’t return items that were given or made for them by loved ones who have passed away but there comes a point when you will have to weigh up the financial and emotional cost of pursuing this person for it. They can’t take your memories and sometimes, when they finally twig that they have no hold over you and that you’re willing to let it go, they return it.

  -- Don’t vandalise their property while packing up. Yes this should go without saying but I actually know of two people who peed all over an ex partners stuff and cut up all of their clothes. And yes they did end up in court.

  JOINT POSSESSIONS

  -- Have this discussion (some people do it via email if face-to-face or on the phone is proving too acrimonious) prior to NC. This is something natural that happens as part of a breakup or separation.

  -- Everything will need to be inventoried, something you may have already done as part of the breakup.

  -- Items that you’ve purchased together will need to be divided up appropriately which may be based on value or attachment.

  -- If there’s a legal process involved such as sale of a property or a divorce, you may find it easier to do it through your solicitors or a mediator, although obviously it costs less if you can sort it out amicably between yourselves. I probably wouldn’t mention that you intend to do NC prior to this discussion as it’s just going to aggravate the situation.

  WHAT TO BOX AWAY FOR A RAINY DAY – MEMORY TRIGGERS & SOME GIFTS

  -- Get a shoe box and put away all the ‘nostalgia gear’ you’ve amassed – concert and cinema tickets, photos, that chipped tea mug, and basically anything that evokes memories of them.

  -- Take down photos, remove passport photo out of your purse or wallet etc.

  -- There are other things that you may have been given by them such as clothing, jewellery, books, electrical goods, whatever – these are yours although you may not be ready to use any of them.

  -- Now… if you’re going to lose your mind every time you put on that top, or that bracelet, or go past that book, get a bigger box and put th
em all away until you’re in a better place. You may find when you take them out that you want to sell them on eBay (or similar) or donate to your local charity shop.

  -- If you feel emotionally attached it should go in the box, if you don’t, it should go in the bin. Or you can repurpose it – you know upcycling is all the rage. Get that sofa recovered, customise that shirt – get creative, they’re yours!

  ABOUT THAT HOMEMADE PORNO OR THE SEXY SNAPS

  Bet you thought I’d missed this!

  -- Let me assure you that there’s no need to watch yourself having sex with your ex, but I do suggest that you box up your homemade videos and saucy photos and put them in a safe place that only you know about, preferably locked. Or burn, shred or bust them up.

  -- Of course we’re in a digital age so you might not have a (cough) hard copy of your images or videos. Delete, delete and delete. If you do decide to keep it on your computer (I would caution you against keeping it on your phone especially if you’re prone to losing it), make sure that your computer is password protected and it’s filed away safely. I’ll put it this way – I wouldn’t label the file as “[your name] porno”.

  -- If you have a discussion about dividing up possessions, you can ask for their copy of the tape/pics but some things are better left unsaid as you put ideas in their head and open up a dialogue, plus you potentially offer them a way of having power over you.

  -- If you bring it up, do it in a calm, casual but firm manner and do not betray even a drop of desperation because it’s like offering up the blueprints to screw you over.

  -- If you previously discussed what would happen to videos or photos if you broke up, refer to the discussion and try to be as specific as possible.

  -- If you’re still living together at this point or in the process of organising moving out, you could (politely) make the request and supervise the removal. Don’t bother falling for this “Don’t you trust me to remove it?” It’s not about trust; it’s about ending the relationship properly and not feeling reliant on an external party having the sole responsibility to do something and you not being in a position to supervise or check up on it. It’s the type of thing that should be done immediately or ASAP, not any of this “I’ll get to it soon” BS.

  -- If all else fails and you have genuine concerns that your ex is going to distribute the material or is already blackmailing you, seek legal advice immediately – a letter may scare them off.

  POST

  -- Get your post redirected. I don’t know how many people I come across complaining about how they end up speaking because their ex has forgotten to sort out their mail. Stop! It is your responsibility to sort this and many use it as an excuse for contact. It’s relatively cheap to pay your postal service to redirect your mail automatically. Otherwise, give extremely specific instructions to your ex and make sure they’re agreed, not assumed. Make life easy and provide self-addressed, stamped envelopes but really, get the redirection and your address change sorted.

  -- Request that they arrange a redirect and/or change their address. If you have to post stuff, don’t do it in dribs and drabs – agree a set period of once a week for a month or so which gives them time to notify companies/arrange a redirect. If they’re expecting you to post their stuff, they should volunteer the postage but don’t hold your breath if they don’t.

  -- If, let’s say, three months have gone by and it’s still turning up, stop posting it. You can also do Return To Sender.

  -- Don’t accept packages from delivery people.

  Get a sponsor/buddy

  This can be that one person that you can rely on to sanity check things, who you can call up or meet up with when you feel weak. This works particularly well if you’ve previously being suffering alone and in secret. Explain that you’re cutting contact and that you really need some extra support right now, and get them on board with giving a shoulder to lean on. Don’t worry about being a pain – most people have experienced heartbreak and one day, you’ll have the opportunity to pay it forward with someone else. Your true friends would rather hear from you than have you suffer. There does need to be some boundaries for both of you and I suggest you choose someone with some compassion and objectivity, not an enabler who is going to encourage you to break NC because they don’t recognise unhealthy relationships. You need to be able to call on this person in your dark moments and be able to be honest without fear of judgement.

  If you’ve been keeping what has been happening a secret, it’s time to ask someone for help and tell them what’s been going on. Don’t tell someone who has a tendency to be judgemental. Choose someone who will be honest, but with love behind it. You don’t have to tell them every nitty itty gritty detail but you should tell them enough for them to realise that you need some hand-holding.

  Make sure they have a little free time each day (or however often you feel is needed) to catch up, and make sure they’re OK with being called up even if it’s late at night. Make sure they are OK with you talking about him/her and the relationship, especially if this is someone who you have already bent the ear off telling them chapter and verse of everything that is happening in your life.

  You may feel that you’ve overstayed your welcome with certain friends because of everything that has been said previously, or because they have repeatedly told you what a tool the guy is, but you may need to step back and be objective and be humble enough to say “OK, they were the things you said, but I needed to find out the hard way, and I could really appreciate your support right now”. Being friends is not about always being right or feeling that the other person must and should take advice. We have to make our own mistakes because we’ll second-guess ourselves if the choice is not ours. It may have been very obvious to all of those around you that you needed to get out of the relationship, but because you were emotionally invested and were not ready to ‘hear’ and ‘see’, you needed more time.

  A word of caution though: if you have exhausted your credit with a friend, while it is hurtful, don’t flip out about it and do empathise with their position. They may be afraid of stepping into this due to how things have previously played out. It’s very tough to be the friend in a situation where your friend is in a destructive relationship, complains about it and then doesn’t do anything or keeps going back so it may take a bit of time for your friend to realise that you’re serious. It’s not fair to be mad at them for wanting to take their time because the truth is, you need to give it time to show that this isn’t the same as last time and it’s best to do this with actions, not words.

  If you have a friend who has experienced their own pain and come out the other side, speak to them. So many people have experienced their own heartache; don’t make snap judgements and assume that they won’t understand or that no one has been through what you’ve been through. You’d be surprised!

  If your options are limited friendship-wise and your friends are in their own drama, do make clear to them that going back is not an option and that if they can’t accept that, they should say so from the outset so that you know where you stand. You don’t need someone undermining your decision!

  Don’t abuse the support by turning into a broken record and expecting them to sit there for months on end whilst you refuse to grieve and move forward. While you don’t need them badgering you about getting over your ex, there’s really a limit to how much you should expect someone to hold your hand for, especially if you don’t want to end up in a different kind of codependent relationship.

  I encourage you to get plenty of support in the first month to three months but you will recognise if you are progressing or stalling the hands of change and grief, or if you find you don’t need them so much, don’t want to talk about him so much, or on the flip side, find yourself being increasingly dependent on them.

  Don’t be selfish either and do try to take an interest in their lives. It’ll do you good to talk about something other than ‘him/her’ or ‘us’. Don’t censor yourself but do look for other thi
ngs to talk about. Many readers have shared that they realised that they were on the way to healing and wanting to progress when they didn’t want to talk about it all the time or to surround themselves with people who wanted to keep rehashing the past.

  LOW CONTACT & TRICKY SITUATIONS

  There are some instances when ‘can’t’ is more like ‘won’t’ break up or go NC – like when you break up and then find yourself lured back in like a moth to a flame. However, there are some circumstances and people where you have to have some level of contact with them. Much as you might not want to, for the foreseeable future or even for the long-term due to sharing children, you’re going to have to deal with them.

  While full NC is a necessity for certain types of relationships and people, and also for self-protection when you’re engaging in damaging behaviour, there are actually variations of No Contact that you have done before without realising it. The most common example is when you’ve experienced a breakup, kept in touch for the first few weeks or so and then it’s petered out as you’ve both got on with your respective lives. One or both of you realise that space is needed to come to terms with things and it’s just left alone. It’s also the same when you stop making an effort with a particular friend or you’re busy each time a colleague who has crossed the line a few times with you, asks you out to lunch.

  Low Contact is the form of NC that’s needed when you’re going to have to continue seeing this person due to circumstance, such as working together, sharing a child or the finalising of money and legal concerns. You’ll always know that it’s legitimate Low Contact if you’re engaging only to the degree that’s needed in order to facilitate whatever it is that’s needed to be done. If it’s not specifically and directly related to your child/work/documentation and is instead about engaging to get the relationship back or to seek validation etc, that’s not low contact or NC. Basically Low Contact is doing NC but instead of cutting off entirely, it’s not engaging beyond the very specific reason that you can’t do full NC.