Even If

by Bethany Riehl

  She waved a hand in the air. “And what am I supposed to do about the building? I can’t just take off for a week.”

  “You send a notice to the tenants. You get someone to housesit. You live your life. It’s all going to be fine, Lillian.”

  She set her jaw and rolled her eyes toward the ceiling.

  “Come on, it sounds fun, and you know it.”

  She snorted. “Right. Sleeping on the ground all week in a tent with five teenage girls.”

  “Tiffany will be in the tent next to you.”

  “With even more teenage girls.”

  “There is a lake just beyond our campsite. Great fishing. We’re taking canoes and inner tubes.”

  “I’ll bet there are leeches in that lake.” She gave a mock shudder.

  “We’ll be right next to the bathrooms and shower house.”

  “I should hope so with ten teenage girls that will be swimming in a lake every day!”

  “Come on, Lilly. You know you can’t resist the idea of coffee by the campfire. Of a canopy of stars overhead. Of the wind rushing through the tops of the pine trees.”

  Had she told him all that before? Or did he just know? She finally met his gaze. He offered one last argument, the nail in the coffin slowly closing in around her.

  “The girls really miss you.”

  Sigh. The twerp. Jabbing at her weak spot. She didn’t have to say anything; the defeated drop of her shoulders and heavenward eye roll gave her away.

  “Whoop!” Chuck shouted, thrusting a fist in the air.

  Lillian shoved his chest lightly. “You owe me big time, pal.”

  ***

  “You owe me big time, pal.”

  Chuck rolled the words around in his head as he followed Lillian’s Jeep around another curve. The river was high—record-breaking high—and for the last mile the road had hugged the high water with just a bike lane to separate them from the jagged rocks hugging the rapids. He could see Lillian singing a song and bobbing her head in time to the music, the three girls riding with her all waving their arms in the air.

  He sucked a breath in through clenched teeth around every turn. Every time her tires left her lane, even if it was only a fraction of an inch. She was killing him. Literally killing him dead, wringing out his heart with every turn. He gripped the steering wheel as the rowdy teens in the back burst into laughter over something Conner O’Brady said.

  “Hey guys, pipe down back there!” he called, wishing his tone wasn’t so sharp. But it appeared that his heart was going to clog his throat until the last few miles of the trip, where the road broke into a straightaway with a meadow on either side of them—away from this blasted choppy river. Muffled giggles and whispers echoed through the van.

  Finally, the road shuddered around one final hair-raising curve and the road straightened. Lilian fell into line behind the van Tiffany drove, and Chuck remembered to check the mirror for Felix driving the suburban pulling the trailer with their gear and canoes behind him.

  His heart finally unclenched—and with it his seat and the backs of his thighs. He let go of the steering wheel with one hand, shaking the tension free from his fingers before setting it on his thigh. He leaned back in his seat, the sounds of the old van humming around him.

  Chuck eyed Holly, hunched down in the front seat, ear buds in place, eyes fixed on the windshield. Her irritation at being dropped off for the trip was palpable. Her mom had shrugged at him when she’d dropped Holly off, then walked back to the car, dressed in sweatpants and a stained sweatshirt that was too big for her petite frame, her hair mussed as if she’d just rolled out of bed. Letitia had greeted her, but Holly hung back, watching from the edge of the group until most everyone had piled into cars. The only slot left was in the front of Chuck’s van, and she’d been hunkered in the same position for the last two hours.

  The caravan made their way toward downtown McCall. Payette Lake spread majestically beyond the charming town as they crested a hill. Chuck loved this part. Apparently, Lillian was just as smitten; she braked suddenly, nearly driving straight when Tiffany turned.

  At the check point for Ponderosa, Chuck shifted into park and jogged by Lillian’s open Jeep, eyes pausing to sweep over her before passing on to the little office, presenting their reservation papers. He kept his back to Lillian, but couldn’t shake the image he’d devoured hungrily—of the sun beating down on her blue American flag tank top, one shapely tanned leg set on the rim of her Jeep where the door used to be—she’d removed them prior to the trip—the stub of a ponytail poking out from the back of her moss green baseball cap.

  When he’d insisted she take Katrina’s place on the camping trip, he hadn’t thought through the repercussions it would have on his heart. At least not entirely.

  The ranger stepped up to Tiffany’s window with a laminated map and handed her the parking tag before showing her where their campsites were located. Chuck took the rest of the tags with him, and at Lillian’s Jeep, he nearly reached in to set it on the rearview mirror for her. He handed it to her instead, his fingers brushing hers, his gaze meeting hers only to bounce away immediately. Darn those sparkling hazel eyes.

  “Thanks!” she called, pushing out her lips and bobbing her head to the beat that came over the radio. Some ridiculously twangy number. Her front passenger, Krista, reached over to turn it up. Chuck turned to walk away right when the ranger, still standing near the check point, snapped her fingers toward Lillian’s Jeep. Krista shrunk into her seat and turned down the music. Lillian just laughed and shrugged at the serious ranger, then winked at Krista.

  Oh boy. Chuck was in trouble. He’d never seen Lillian so carefree and bright. The surroundings suited her.

  The short beep of a horn sounded behind him. “Hey Chuckles! You going to stand there like a dummy all day, or what?” Felix leaned half out his window, holding one hand out for his pass.

  Chuck blinked at the dust Tiffany and Lillian’s cars had left swirling in the air on their departure.

  Yup. He was in serious trouble.

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  Lillian had no idea how she was going to pull Holly out of herself to enjoy the trip. Not to mention what a hard time Lillian was having concentrating on all that needed to be done to set up. The intoxicating fragrance of pine hung thick in the air, stirring her senses, igniting all of her good memories. But it didn’t compare to the way her tummy fluttered every time Chuck passed, and she found herself caught in a wisp of his familiar spicy scent as if it had reached out and pulled her into its strong embrace.

  You’re doing it again, you idiot! Lillian shook her head, trying to free herself of the daze she was in. She didn’t snap out of it soon enough, Chuck smiled at her, turning away when Jordan walked up to help him unload the trailer.

  She groaned, turning away and pounding the final stake in the tent she was assigned to. She stood, taking in the scene. Tiffany and her crew were still working on their tent; another cave in had them all doubled over in laughter. Two instant screen houses were set up over the picnic tables; two more shade tents were erected in the middle of camp where the shade from the tall Ponderosa pines didn’t reach.

  Once Lillian’s girls were done with the tent, they unfolded the cots, stored their things underneath, and unrolled their sleeping bags. Lillian was surprised by how comfortable the six cots fit in the two-room tent—a loan from someone in the church.

  The girls made their way to the picnic tables. It hadn’t taken much time for them to start styling one another’s hair into complicated braids and twists, while a few others sat playing a card game.

  Holly sat on top of the table as well, hands tapping out a beat on her knees, the earbuds still jammed in her ears, with the girls, but obviously not enjoying the trip as they were. Holly’s eyes flickered to Jordan and away again. Jordan, on the other side of camp with Chuck, was just as distracted and miserable as Holly, it seemed. He was openly staring, eyes pleading. Chuck said something to him, and Jordan turned back to f
inish unloading the trailer.

  Chuck met Lillian’s gaze. He pressed his lips into a flat line, flaring his nostrils and widening his eyes, darting them back and forth between the forlorn teens. Lillian nodded. Yup. This lover’s quarrel was going to suck.

  ***

  “Okay, we have to do something about this.”

  Lillian, who was bent over the fire turning the foil packets tucked in the coals, jumped back in surprise and fell into Chuck’s solid chest. His hands came up to steady her, landing on her shoulders.

  “Good gravy, Chuck! You scared me to death!” She set a hand over her fluttering heart…annoyed that it was all a twitter from Chuck’s hot breath on her ear. From the hands still grasping her shoulders.

  “Sorry,” he chuckled. His thumbs pressed into the knots she hadn’t realized were there, his fingers brushing her collarbone. “Whoa. You’re wound tight.” He slowly began to knead away her tension. Every inch of her skin prickled and her stomach dropped out. She didn’t move away. Neither did he.

  “I, uh,” she licked her lips as he deepened the massage; cleared her throat. “I thought you went on the hike.”

  The teens and adults had filled foil packets with a variety of veggies, kielbasa sausage, cooked chicken, and spices Lillian had set on the table. Once all of the packets had been placed in the fire, they’d set out for a short hike while Lillian stayed back to keep an eye on the fire and set up the line of paper plates, utensils, napkins, and s’mores tray.

  “I was. But Felix and Tiff can handle it. I wanted to catch you alone.” His hands stilled. A chill swept over her when he removed them. Chuck stepped next to her, setting a sneaker on the fire ring, hands in his pockets now. He turned toward her. “What are we going to do about Romeo and Juliet?”

  She snorted. “Don’t you mean Benedick and Beatrice?”

  Chuck scrunched his face at her.

  “Oh, come on. Much Ado About Nothing? Famous love-hate relationship?” Lillian waved the tongs wildly in the air.

  Chuck just stared.

  Lillian turned back to the fire. She traded the packets in the coals for the ones along the edge of the ring. She moved a few others to the grate set over half of the pit.

  “Well, anyway, what should we do about it?”

  “Uh…nothing? Ignore them and hope they snap out of it? I don’t know, Chuck.”

  “I just don’t want to spend our entire week tiptoeing around them. You saw what happened when I tried to get them to set out the food? Holly nearly dumped the lemonade on his head.”

  Lillian snorted. “Yeah, she’s a spicy one, isn’t she?”

  “Any idea why they’re fighting?”

  Lillian pressed her lips together and turned to retrieve a baking sheet from the table. She transferred the smaller packets to the tray and set it aside. She didn’t know, but remembered Holly’s tears at the conference the month before. “No, I don’t,” she answered honestly.

  “Okay, next question. Any idea how cute you look in that hat?”

  Her stomach fluttered. She felt his eyes on her profile, but kept hers on the flames. They were nothing compared to the heat working its way onto her cheeks, she was sure.

  “Why do I get the feeling I’ve embarrassed you?”

  “I’m not embarrassed.”

  He set a hand on her arm, his voice soft now. “Then why won’t you look at me?”

  His touch burned through her sweatshirt. Lillian opened her mouth, but a loud, playful shriek cut through the forest, followed by a low rumble of conversation coming closer.

  She finally met his gaze, offered a coy smile and one shoulder shrug. “Saved by the very loud Tiffany.”

  ***

  “Okay, I scoped everything out for Capture the Flag,” Chuck told Felix the next morning. He spread out a map of the state park, provided by the Ranger post, and pointed to the loop at the end of a long road where their camp was set up. “Most of the sites are empty this week. This couple,” he pointed to a spot on the other side of the bathrooms, “is headed out this afternoon. I asked the remaining sites if they would be disturbed by loud teenagers and, thankfully, they are all nice retired couples who don’t care. Tonight’s the night.”

  Felix bent over the table and pointed to a bike path. “So, girls against boys, tents are the dividing line and picnic tables are the jails, right?”

  “Yeah, I think that’s the best way for it to work,” Chuck gestured toward the lake on the map. “And maybe when we explain the rules, we’ll remind them that they can’t swim out to the dinghy and put the flag out there if the lake is on their side.”

  Felix groaned. “Yeah, no kidding. How long did it take for Cody to warm up last year anyway?”

  Chuck shook his head. “Too long to deal with again, that’s for sure.”

  They continued to map out the game while breakfast broke up behind them. They’d been in charge of breakfast, so Tiffany and Lillian worked to clean everything up with a few of the girls. Jordan had stopped moping and joined his friends for a game of Ruckus, although he snuck glances in Holly’s direction often. Holly had shaken off her withdrawn routine as well and dove into the activities. Although she laughed too loud, talked too loud, and continued to watch Jordan when she thought he wasn’t looking. But, all in all, it wasn’t nearly as distracting as Chuck had expected it to be.

  “Maybe Lillian was right.”

  “About what?”

  Chuck blinked, not realizing he’d spoken aloud. “Oh, I just asked her last night if we should do something about the teen love drama we have going on here. She said to just leave it be, and it seems to be working.”

  He watched Lillian across the campsite, wondering why she got so squirrely when he asked why the teens were fighting. Just then Lillian laughed at something Tiffany said, throwing her head back, her gleaming white teeth mocking him. She wiped at her eyes before plunging the griddle Tiffany handed her into the clean water bin.

  “So…what about you?” Felix asked, following Chuck’s gaze.

  Chuck looked at him from the side of his eye. “What about me?”

  Felix waited.

  Chuck looked down. “You know, when I was praying about how to forgive Tanner, I had the audacity to ask the Lord if He would give me Lillian’s heart in exchange. Pathetic I know, but I was in a desperate place. And of course, I needed to obey no matter what, not in some sort of barter with God Almighty. But since I gave Tanner Dad’s Bible, I just feel…peace. About everything. Maybe Lillian and I will never be okay. Maybe we will. I know that I will never feel for another woman what I feel for her, man. And I’m going to do what I can to prove that to her, even if it takes years.” Chuck didn’t realize how true it was until he said it out loud. He leaned his palms on the table and rounded out his back before letting it drop flat again. “I must have a rock or something right under my bag,” he said, fumbling to change the subject.

  Felix clapped him on the shoulder. “Tiffany and I are praying for you guys,” he said.

  Chuck nodded as Felix walked away. He shook his head and cupped both hands around his mouth.

  “Okay, everyone. Chapel in five minutes!”

  Chapter Fifty-Three

  Lillian loved the simplicity of Chuck’s guitar and the small collection of voices raised in worship in the slanted morning light. Adored the outdoor amphitheater carved into a hill with logs set in a stair step pattern as seating. She closed her eyes and listened to the rustling of wind in the treetops between each song. After a handful of choruses, Chuck said a prayer and set aside his guitar. They took their seats on the logs, and Chuck perched on a stump before them and opened his Bible.

  “We can find the summary of the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 7:24. ‘Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on the rock.’ We’ve all heard the story, right? Felix, Tiffany, and I had Miss Nan as our Sunday School teacher, just like most of you did. We sang that song nearly every week. I know you�
��ve heard this, but don’t blow it off. Listen. Soak in the wisdom of Jesus, offered just as freely as His grace.

  Because, guys, it’s not enough to believe in the Bible. It’s not enough to agree with the Bible. What matters is obedience to what it says. James told us, ‘But prove yourselves doers of the word, not merely hearers who delude themselves.’ A few sentences later, he says, ‘But he who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer, but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.’

  It’s no good to read your Bible or sing worship songs or serve in the church if you don’t obey in your heart what the word of God says. If you don’t abide by it. I’m not talking a list of rules or do’s and don’ts. I’m talking about a relationship with the Maker of the Universe. I’m talking about taking Him at face value and living Your life in such a way that you prove that you believe what He says.”

  Chuck set his Bible down. He rubbed his hands together slowly, staring at the ground. Everyone watched him silently, no one more intently than Lillian. His mouth twisted into a self-deprecating smile. He looked up and scanned their faces, eyes tripping over Lillian as they passed over her.

  “I had a hard lesson in this one recently, I have to admit. It’s very easy to mistake knowing and agreeing for doing and obeying. But there was an area in my life where God showed me that I wasn’t obeying. He wanted me to forgive someone I didn’t really want to. To show mercy…”

  His voice trailed off and he found Lillian’s eyes again. He held her gaze and continued. “I had some serious soul searching to do this summer. I can tell you from experience that the Lord will not leave you wondering. If you seek Him out, and read His word, He’ll show up. And when He does, will you listen and obey? Sometimes it takes us much longer than it should. I know that was the case for me. And I think most of the time, it’s our lack of faith—the subtle ways that we don’t actually believe what God’s word says if we really stand back and examine our hearts—that trips us up. But when we do—obey and believe and take Him at face-value—amazing things happen.”