Even If

by Bethany Riehl

  He finally looked away, and Lillian released the breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding captive. Chuck prayed and then told everyone to get alone for a while with their Bibles.

  “Tonight, we’ll be talking about Boaz and Jesus. Read Ruth if you’re up for it, and we’ll talk later. We’ll have about an hour of quiet time, another hour or so of free time, and then we’ll have lunch and spend the rest of the day on the water,” Chuck called as the group began to break up.

  He asked everyone to stay in sight of one another without talking. Felix took a group to an open field. Chuck stayed near the campsite. Tiffany led a group into the woods. On their way to the lake, Lillian and the rest of the teens passed handfuls of campers perched on fallen logs, sitting crisscrossed on stumps, and spread out on long flat rocks. Lillian kept an eye on her young friends as they picked along the narrow sandy shore or on the half a dozen docks spread out along the border of the lake.

  Lillian picked a dock also, the furthest away as it afforded her a view of the kids, as well as the sparkling expanse of Payette Lake. For long moments, she stared out at the water and the mountains on the other side, thinking on Chuck’s devotion that morning.

  What was it about the sound of water lapping the shore, the rocks, and the dock that was so peaceful? It stirred Lillian’s soul. Cooled the scars that burned there. Pounded away the jagged edges of her heart.

  She opened her Bible and read the verses she’d jotted down from Matthew and James. Then she turned to Ruth and read the story of her loyalty and obedience, as well as Boaz’s kindness. She journaled, watched the water, checked on the kids, and sat in silence. A disquiet shifted in her spirit. Was there something in her heart that wasn’t taking God at face-value as Chuck had said? She chewed on her lip, praying. Wondering.

  Heavy steps fell on the dock behind her. She turned halfway, heart hiccupping at the look on Chuck’s face as he strode toward her.

  ***

  I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize what needs to be said. Lord, please guide our conversation.

  Chuck felt the corners of his mouth lift, but barely, as Lillian turned to face him. His heart pounded so hard he wondered if she would be able to hear it above the lapping of the waves. He stopped for just a moment, taking in the scene, wondering how weird it would be to pull the phone from his pocket and snap a picture of her.

  Pretty weird, Davis.

  He drank the scene in, committing to memory the way the lake, the mountains, and the crystal blue sky framed Lillian, perched on the end of the dock with that adorable baseball cap on her head. Her sweatshirt lay next to her, a journal and pen set on top. Her Bible was open, and when he came closer, he saw that she’d been reading Ruth.

  “Hey,” he said, easing down onto the edge next to her.

  She licked her lips, eyes catching on his before she turned to gaze at the water. “Hey,” she smiled.

  “I’m sorry for interrupting. I just…I want to talk to you about something.”

  Lillian narrowed her eyes and puckered her lips, curious. She closed her Bible and set it aside. “I’m listening.”

  Chuck cleared his throat. Then cleared it again. He tilted his head back and forth, stretching tense muscles. Rubbed his hands on his thighs. “Can we talk about that night, Lillian?”

  She turned from him and looked out at the lake. “I guess so. I don’t know what else we could say.”

  “I was a mess, Lillian. You know that. I went to forgive Tanner, just to make our relationship work somehow. But when I approached him that night, I was just desperate to get the words out—because I knew that’s what I was supposed to do. But I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons. I was panicked because I knew that God hadn’t given me a choice; I had to forgive Tanner. And that night, I felt trapped. Forced.”

  Lillian tilted her head, eyes wide. “By me?”

  Chuck rested a hand on her knee. Jerked it back. “No, no. But because of you, maybe. I couldn’t believe it when Tanner walked into your mom’s backyard. Couldn’t believe that this man I’d harbored such bitterness toward was suddenly in my life because he was related to the woman that I…love.”

  He felt the intake of her breath more than he heard it. He rushed on as a flush crept up his cheeks. “So, I went to his house, spat out the words and considered it good. But, of course that wasn’t enough. Wasn’t the way. Words alone mean nothing. My mom and I were able to have a really good talk about it. And Pastor Ryan has helped me a lot the last few weeks. When I came to your apartment last week, I knew what I had to do to genuinely extend forgiveness to Tanner once and for all. But I was avoiding it. And God used you, Lillian. He used you to speak His truth to me. Do you remember what you said?” His eyes found hers, danced with them, fell into them.

  She nodded, her own eyes shimmering. “Although I realized later that I didn’t get the words exactly right,” she admitted.

  Chuck smiled. “I think the message was clear enough. So, I, uh...I took my dad’s Bible to Tanner, and I gave it to him.”

  Lillian gasped. “You what?!”

  “I know it doesn’t make sense, but that’s what I know the Lord wanted me to do. And you know what? It worked. I feel peace—a peace that surpasses all understanding where Tanner is concerned.”

  Lillian’s smile took his breath away…shattered his heart. “Chuck, I’m so glad. Thank you for telling me about that.”

  “But while I was talking to the kids just now, it hit me what a hypocrite I’ve been the last few weeks. How could I accept God’s mercy for my mistakes—like taking advantage of you and—”

  “No, Chuck you didn’t—”

  “Yes, Lillian, I did. I used you to try and forget my own pain. I just wanted to fall into you that night.” Chuck’s throat swelled, and he fought to keep his composure. His words came haltingly, heavy with regret. “I wanted you. So I could forget. To could ignore what was happening around me…to hold on to our relationship somehow. I didn’t stop to think about what I was doing to your heart. I ignored the promises I made to you. And since then I’ve been so focused on missing you, and not knowing how to truly extend grace to Tanner, I didn’t fully comprehend what I’d done to you.”

  Tears streaked Lillian’s face, but she remained silent.

  “But back there,” he waved toward the place where they held chapel, “I realized that I sinned against you, a woman that I…love. And I didn’t even ask your forgiveness. So, I’m asking now, Lilly. I need you to know how very sorry I am. I don’t know if you can forgive me, but I had to tell you that I’m sorry. So very sorry.”

  Chuck drank in a cleansing, shuddering breath. He watched Lillian’s face, not knowing what else to say.

  She reached for the discarded sweatshirt and wiped at her eyes. “I didn’t feel wronged, Chuck. I understood.” She blushed. “I mean, I was there, too. You didn’t exactly take me into that room kicking and screaming. I honestly don’t know how I was able to stop us…I think God was protecting both of us. And you left when I asked you to. For that I thank you. And if you feel that you need to apologize, well, then, I forgive you.”

  Her teeth caught that full bottom lip of hers and Chuck resisted reaching out to run his fingers along its soft curve. Fought even harder not to seal his words, his passive admission of love, with a tender kiss.

  “Thank you,” he whispered.

  Lillian’s face relaxed. Together they turned to look out at the lake. They talked about their previous camping experiences. Chuck had gone often with his dad and with the church youth group—both as a youth and as a leader. Lilly told him about her mom’s love of camping and the many trips they took through the years.

  “I went through a phase as a pre-teen where I was terrified of bears. Once, in the middle of the night, I realized we hadn’t put away our trash. So, I snuck out and gathered it up to take to the trash cans near our site. Unfortunately, I stumbled across a skunk and got sprayed.”

  “No!” Chuck fisted one hand and held
it against his mouth. “Seriously?”

  Lilly nodded. “Yup. I’ve never smelled anything so awful. Catching a whiff of skunk when you’re driving is one thing. It’s entirely different to have it all over you.”

  “And I’m guessing you didn’t have vats of tomato juice on hand?”

  Lilly held up a finger. “Actually, tomato juice only masks the smell for a while. My mom had all the ingredients for a formula to get rid of it on hand. There weren’t showers at that one, so I had to bathe in the creek. Thankfully it was a warm night, but that creek was cold. My mom wouldn’t let me in the tent until I stopped smelling.”

  Chuck laughed so hard his stomach cramped. “Oh, your poor mom.”

  Lillian’s mouth hung open. “Poor mom?! I was the one shivering in the creek with burning eyes and a raging headache.”

  “Serves you right for leaving your tent at night,” he winked. “What was the secret formula, anyway?”

  “Hey, guys!” Felix’s voice startled them both.

  Chuck answered, still laughing, “Yeah?”

  “Time for lunch!”

  He turned back to Lilly, certain the smile on his face painted him every color of happy. And made him look like a nerd. He didn’t care. They were finally making their way back to the friendship he missed. He reached down to give her a hand up.

  “All right, Pepe Le Pew, let’s go.”

  Chapter Fifty-Four

  “What’s that dreamy look for?” Tiffany asked, lowering herself onto the towel spread out next to Lillian’s on the sand.

  Lillian flattened her mouth. Looked out at the water and the kids playing on a giant raft, indifferent. Bored. Heart pounding away every time Chuck came back around on that canoe to pick up another passenger.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said.

  “Ha! Liar,” Tiffany laughed.

  Lillian smiled, still staring out at the water.

  After lunch, the group had spent the rest of the day on the beach, in the water, taking turns on the blow-up rafts. Chuck had given nearly everyone a short ride around their side of the lake in the canoe. A few other teens had taken turns on kayaks. Lillian had jumped off the dock with a handful of girls and floated lazily on her back until one of them wondered aloud if any dead bodies could have been dumped into the lake at some point.

  “Krista, seriously!” Lillian had shouted, scurrying out of the water as fast as she could. She shivered just thinking about it. The front of the green canoe appeared from around the corner, and she felt warmth cancel out the shiver.

  “So, a little birdie—scratch that, a handsome, muscular, wonderful birdie—told me that you and Chuck were looking awfully cozy on the dock earlier—”

  “Don’t get your hopes up, Tiff. We were just talking.”

  Chuck came into view as the canoe came closer. His arms were bare, muscles flexed and bulging as he paddled closer to the dock. Fortunately, his bare chest was covered with the orange life vest. Or unfortunately, depending on her vacillating self-control.

  “Come on, Lillian. He’s ready whenever you are.”

  She didn’t respond,

  Tiffany placed a hand on Lillian’s arm and lowered her voice. “Lil, he cares about you. He told Felix. He’s completely smitten with you, can’t talk about anything else.”

  Lillian worried her bottom lip. Talking openly about that night had been good. But terrifying. Chuck had basically said that he loved her. Or had, at some point, anyway. And neither one could deny the chemistry between them. Now that they’d tasted just a bit of what was forbidden for now, could they ever trust themselves together again? Lillian wasn’t sure. Unless they just ran into town and got married immediately…but that didn’t seem practical.

  Lillian watched Chuck help Holly out of the canoe. Jordan met her on the dock and wrapped his arms around her in a big hug. Whatever was wrong with them must have been amended. She smiled, thinking she should point out to Chuck that she’d been right.

  Chuck remained standing in the canoe, turning to scan the shoreline. Lillian sucked air between her teeth when his eyes landed on her.

  Rats.

  He hooked a finger at Lillian and beckoned for her to come.

  Tiffany giggled under her breath. “Hmmm…looks like someone gets to join Chuckie for some marine time therapy.”

  Lillian opened her mouth to smart off with a sharp retort, but when she came up empty, she snapped it shut and made her way across the sand.

  You can do this. It’s fine. You can go on an innocent canoe ride with Chuck. Practically all the teens have gone. It’s no big deal.

  But the closer she came, the more her heart protested in an attack on her ribs. The more she remembered that awful night weeks ago. The heartbreak on the roof when she realized it couldn’t work between them; that everything had changed. She realized all their shared moments since then, and the reclaiming of their friendship, had stirred hope in her soul. And for what? For another unexpected bump in the road? Another night seeking solace where they shouldn’t? Would she be able to stop it next time?

  She swallowed, stepping lightly onto the dock, the boards hot on her bare feet. The sounds of the teens splashing, jumping, and laughing echoed in her ears.

  Chuck was smiling when she reached him. He held out a hand to her. “Want to come for a ride with me?” His eyes told her everything she feared. That this ride would mean something. That climbing into the boat would be her acquiesce to the restart to their fragile relationship.

  Her hand tingled to grasp onto his, to risk it all, even if all she got was a few more warm and lovely memories to store up for cold winters. She wrapped her arms around her middle.

  “Sorry. Can’t. I’ll get motion sick.” She shrugged. Forced a quaky smile.

  Chuck’s hand curled in on itself. He nodded. “I understand, Lilly,” he said, eyes pinning hers, stoking the blush that now crept over her. She turned and walked back to the towels.

  The rest of the afternoon passed in a sad daze. Lillian joked with the others, hoping they wouldn’t notice the hollowness of her laughter. She and Tiffany took a few girls back to the campsite early to shower and start dinner. By the time everyone else arrived, there was a platter of hot dogs ready to be speared and roasted over the fire, as well as chips, sodas, and watermelon. The teens ate ravenously, and those who hadn’t come back early headed to the showers. By chapel time, Lillian had changed into her jeans and sweatshirt. Holly sat behind her on a log step while they waited for Felix and Chuck to tune their guitars and asked if she could braid Lillian’s hair.

  Lillian turned around halfway and ran her fingers through her still wet hair. She’d just planned on air drying it and plunking her hat back on. “Isn’t it too short?”

  Holly shook her head, reaching out for a chunk near the front. “No, I can do two French braids. It will be super cute; trust me.”

  Lillian smiled and turned to oblige. It didn’t matter what it looked like; it was just nice to have Holly smiling and joining in. After one braid was done, Lillian lowered her voice and leaned backward.

  “So, I saw you and Jordan looking pretty cozy. What happened there?”

  Holly’s fingers worked through the hair that hadn’t been braided yet, gathering the first three sections. She leaned close to talk.

  “Remember at the conference? When you caught me crying? No, don’t nod! Now I have to start over,” she chided, a smile in her voice.

  Lillian straightened her back and sat still. Holly started over, parting three sections. “Well…I wasn’t raised like most of these kids. And, I didn’t know about Jesus until Letitia started to bring me to youth group. When I met Jordan, he was the first guy that ever asked me out on a date, and then actually took me on a date. I mean, he opened doors, he paid, he talked to me. And at the end of the night he walked me to my door, hugged me goodnight, and that was it.”

  “Sounds like an amazing guy, Holly. Definitely not like that loser you were dating a few months ago.”
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  She twisted a few more strands, working the braid close to Lillian’s ear. “Yeah, no kidding. But Jordan doesn’t have the past that I do. It’s taken me a long time to believe that my past doesn’t bother him. He goes to a different school, and that’s not a big deal, but in high school it kind of is. Anyway, a girl at his school has a thing for him. I’ve met her a few times at basketball games, and she knows some of the people from my school. A few weeks ago, she tried to convince Jordan that I cheated on him. And for a little while he believed it. And that really hurt because I’ve changed so much,” she paused, reaching a hand out for the band Lillian held in her fingers. She tied off the braid, and Lillian turned around, running her hands down the braids. They felt perfect; tight with no bumps or chunks of hair sticking out.

  “And Jordan has been a big part of encouraging me to put my past behind me and not to feel guilty about it. So, when he was so quick to believe that I would cheat on him…it hurt.”

  “Understandable,” Lillian said, looking down at her hands. Very understandable. Holly’s story sounded just like hers. She’d spent many nights wondering if Chuck had really believed that she’d been with Drew, and if that was what ruined their relationship. It was ridiculous, of course. But she couldn’t help but wonder.

  “I didn’t want to come, as you could probably tell. Last night I couldn’t sleep. Almost every night since this all happened, Jordan has texted me goodnight and apologized for believing her. Last night he didn’t, and I was so afraid. Without really thinking about it, I texted him. We sent messages back and forth for a while. And, I don’t know, I guess I realized I had a choice to make. I could stay mad, stay afraid, and stay inside my shell—not letting anyone in because I have baggage. Or I could accept that he really cares about me and was sucker punched by some mean girl. That if he says he cares, I can choose to believe him based on a million moments he proved it, verses one moment he doubted me because of a story he was told.”