Torn: (#12 The Beat and The Pulse)

by Amity Cross

  “Did he tell you how Sadie died?” she asked, dropping a bomb.

  “I…” I trailed off because I didn’t have an answer.

  “I bet he didn’t. Otherwise, you wouldn’t still be with him. You’re a smart woman, Amber. I’d hate to see you get duped.”

  I could see the obsession etched into her features. I saw myself in her as clearly as looking into a mirror. If I hadn’t stopped myself, would I have taken it to the same extreme? Stalking, causing trouble, spreading lies, and going after another woman’s man? The thought made me feel sick with terror.

  “Since Lawson hasn’t told you the truth, I have to,” she said. “I should’ve told you the entire story the first time. Everything’s easier in hindsight, right?”

  “I don’t need this,” I snapped.

  “You do.” Sera grasped my wrist. “Sadie was my sister.”

  “She was…” He never told me that.

  “He didn’t tell you?” She scoffed, then let me go and flicked her hair over her shoulder. “He fucked us both around, and then when he got bored, he decided to drop her. It tore her apart, and she begged for him to take her back. I was happy they were broken up because that meant he’d come back to me, but he threw me away, too. Now I feel bad about feeling that way, especially considering what he did next. He gave her the drugs that killed her. He put them in his bag where he knew she’d find them and drove her into the ground. Whispered awful shit into her ear, played her, sent her into a spiral so bad she never came out of it. By the time anyone realised what was happening, she’d OD’d.”

  Horror twisted my heart, and I began to feel sick.

  Don’t listen to her lies, I thought. It’s just another story designed to tear Lawson and me apart. He said she’d keep trying. He said… I froze. What if this was all an elaborate setup? What if Lawson… What if I was so desperate to believe I’d finally found love that I’d overlooked all the warning signs? Maybe I hadn’t gotten over my past at all.

  No, I wouldn’t believe it. I couldn’t even entrain the idea.

  “He wouldn’t do that,” I said with a snarl. “I know him.”

  Sera looked me over. “Do you? You didn’t even know Sadie took her own life. Shit, you didn’t even know she was my sister.”

  “If he’s such a monster, then why did you show up at the Phoenix and treat him like he was your long-lost BFF, huh? Explain that.”

  She stared at me, suddenly extremely quiet.

  “Amber?”

  I looked up at the sound of Montana’s voice. She was glaring at Sera with the force of an atomic bomb blast.

  “Is everything okay here?” she added, glancing at me.

  “It’s fine,” I said, rising to my feet. “Sera was just leaving.” I narrowed my eyes and stared her down so she would finally understand my next statement. “For good this time.”

  Montana threaded her arm through mine and added the force of her glare to the daggers I was shooting at Sera. Then we melted through the crowd and found a quiet spot among the tipsy punters having their pre-club drinks.

  “That bitch doesn’t know when to quit, does she?” Montana said with a humph.

  I chewed on my bottom lip, still dwelling on the things Sera had spat out at me. The venom in her voice was sickening, but she’d believed every word that had come out of her mouth. Maybe she was right, or maybe she’d just told herself the same story so many times even she’d fool herself. The only way to know for sure was to face Lawson. Again.

  I was getting sick of this shit. I could feel my ‘snap’ moment coming because up until now, I wasn’t sure I’d even crossed that threshold. There’d been a few mini-eruptions, but my top hadn’t blown—yet.

  “Amber? Are you okay?” Montana asked, looking concerned. “What did she say?”

  “She tells a very convincing story.” I looked at her and grimaced. “I think I need to straighten a few things out with Lawson.”

  Montana narrowed her eyes. “Again?” Even she was fed up.

  “I know. It’s like a fucking broken record with us, but this time, I can’t let it go. If it’s true or not, I don’t know, but I can understand why he didn’t tell me. I just need to know why.” I couldn’t leave this to stew overnight, or I’d be a mess come morning.

  “What did she tell you? If she’s screwing with you, she’ll have more to worry about than her over bleached hair.”

  I snorted and widened my eyes. “It does look a little straw-like, huh?”

  “I’m like, get a leave-in conditioner, girl.”

  “It’s like she’s a stealth bomber,” I murmured. “Things get good for Lawson, and she flies past and shits all over it. Only this time…”

  “Either she’s screwed in the head or she’s…” Montana trailed off, looking sheepish.

  “I know. The thought’s crossed my mind, too. That’s why I have to hash this out once and for all.” I drew in a shaky breath, my throat burning. “It’s either that or…”

  “Oh, Amber. You’ve changed for the better, you know that?”

  “Yeah. A few months ago, I probably would’ve run away and started over. Again.”

  “And now here you are a badass bitch who won’t take shit lying down!”

  I knew she was only trying to make me feel better, but nothing seemed to break through the fog of Sera’s accusation—Lawson’s alleged bullying of Sadie to the point of no return. The markers fit, they all lined up, and I hated myself for believing her and him. I hated that I was put into this position in the first place.

  “I’m not sure I can be badass this time,” I murmured. “Not after what Sera just told me.”

  “Amber, I don’t like the look on your face. What aren’t you saying?”

  “Sera accused Lawson of…” I took a deep breath. “She said he goaded his ex, Sadie, Sera’s sister, into overdosing.”

  She gasped, and her hand flew to her mouth.

  I held my stomach. “I feel sick.”

  “What are you going to do?” Montana asked.

  I shrugged and craned my neck to see if Sera had finally taken the hint and left. I couldn’t see her and heaved a sigh of relief.

  What was I going to do? Confront him and find out the truth. It was the only thing I could do if I wanted to face my own issues and work this mess out.

  “I have to go.” Taking out my phone, I texted Lawson.

  “Do you want me to come with you?” Montana asked, watching me type. “Moral support? A driver for the getaway car?”

  Despite the sickening lump in my stomach, I smiled. “No. You can leave the shovel and tarp at home, too.”

  “No dead bodies? Poo.” She pouted and pulled me in for a hug.

  “Seriously, I don’t need the heat.” My phone vibrated as I pulled away. “He’s at the Phoenix.”

  “That man has an obsession.”

  “I know. I’ll call you later, okay?”

  She grasped my wrist. “You sure you’ll be okay?”

  I nodded. “It’s cool.”

  That was how I found myself in the gym after closing, in the dark, for the second time. The same time last week, I was doing the same thing, only this time it was truly make or break.

  I’d been oddly calm up until this moment, but when I caught sight of Lawson, something terrible awoke inside me. I stormed toward him, my anger boiling like molten lava.

  He looked up at the sound of my approach, and his brow knitted together.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?” He reached for me.

  “What aren’t you telling me?” I demanded, swatting away his hands. “What haven’t you said, Lawson?”

  He tensed, and I knew I hadn’t been given the whole story. I’d given him the benefit of the doubt over and over again, letting my obsession cloud my judgment without even realising. The ball of anxiety in my stomach began to churn, and my flight mode attempted to activate. I glanced at the door, but my feet were glued to the mat.

  Don’t run, Amber. Stand your ground. Fight for love. Figh
t for yourself.

  “I haven’t exactly been honest with you,” Lawson began warily.

  “This is about Sadie,” I stated, my hands trembling. Sera was right about one thing. He’d never really told me much about Sadie or how she’d died, only the pieces he’d shared the night we first went to my place.

  “I told you all this before. How I ended things with Sera to be with her,” he explained. “I stopped the partying, the drugs, and the sex. Sadie made me see I could be a better person. I pushed you away in the beginning because you remind me of her. The way she was before…”

  “Before what?” I asked, already knowing the answer to the question.

  “Before she died.”

  “How?” I whispered. “How did she die?” It was the crux of the matter. The how.

  “She committed suicide with the drugs she found in my bag.”

  I gasped and stumbled back a step, covering my mouth with my hand. Sera was right.

  “Amber, I tried—”

  “Don’t,” I snapped.

  “Amber, please let me explain.”

  “Explain to me why you didn’t tell me Sadie was Sera’s sister.”

  The blood drained from his face. “Amber—”

  “I don’t want to hear it!” I shouted. “You always just tell me enough to keep me from asking too many questions. Just enough to keep me on the hook. You kept this from me! Why?”

  “Because I was afraid you’d leave me like everyone else!” he shouted.

  “You gave Sadie the drugs that killed her,” I said, seething. “She trusted you. I trusted you, and you still didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth.”

  “Amber, you’ve got to let me explain.”

  “There’s nothing left to explain, Lawson. I’m done talking, I’m just—I’m done.”

  “Sera planted this shit in your head, didn’t she?” He speared his fingers through his hair and tugged. “Don’t believe her. It’s happening again, don’t you see?”

  “Oh, I see,” I drawled, barely holding onto my tears. “For the first time, I can see everything clearly. I was nothing but a game to you. An easy fucking mark. I bet you and Sera have a great time laughing your asses off at me. To think I let you fuck me without a condom! I trusted you, Lawson. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I believed in you. I stood up for you! And this is what I get? Lies and half-truths?”

  I spun on my heel and went to walk away.

  “Amber! Stop!”

  Lawson grabbed my arm, and his fingers bit into my skin.

  I spun, wrenching out of his grasp, and lifted my hand. My palm collided with his cheek with a loud crack, and he blinked in shock.

  “Never touch me again,” I snarled. “You broke this. You will never play me again, understand?”

  The look on Lawson’s face was shattering. For a split second, I almost wavered, my past desperations driving me to second-guess myself. He looked torn apart, but I felt worse. I’d been had. Completely and utterly manipulated.

  How could I come back from this? I couldn’t. This had been my make or break, after all, and now it was broken. I’d put myself out there, let the good in with the bad, and my world had come crashing down.

  I fled from the Phoenix, vowing to never return. I was blind with anguish, my thoughts on one thing.

  Starting over.

  21

  Lawson

  I thought you didn’t love me. She said I was just a game to you.

  “Lawson?”

  Sadie’s memory faded, and I glanced up at Simon. I wasn’t in the mood for his smart-arse commentary today. I hadn’t slept, I’d hardly eaten, and I was exhausted.

  Amber hated me. She believed in the worst parts of me, the things we’d shared… We were supposed to find a way out of the darkness together. We were supposed to love one another. Her and me.

  “Hey,” Simon said, looking me over with a frown. “Where’s Amber?”

  “Huh?” I asked, my heart twisting.

  “She hasn’t shown up.” He looked at his watch. “She’s two hours late.”

  “She’s not here?”

  “No. It’s not like her,” Simon replied. “She’s always early, always stays back late. You haven’t…” he trailed off, but he didn’t need to finish his thought. I could see it written all over his face.

  “We had a huge argument last night,” I said, my heart twisting. “About what happened to Sadie.”

  “And?” He gave me a look.

  “I didn’t have to say anything. She already knew.”

  “And now she hasn’t shown up for work.” He gave me an accusing glare.

  “Don’t look at me like that.” I seethed, my anguish and heartbreak pushing me to the brink of doing something dangerous.

  “Did you tell her everything?”

  “She wouldn’t let me!” I exclaimed. “Sera must’ve said something to her because she came in here all pissed off and had a go at me.”

  “Fucking hell,” Simon cursed. “And you just let her go?”

  “What was I supposed to do, huh? Force her to listen to me?”

  “Yes!” he shouted.

  I gritted my teeth as old wounds reopened. The pain seared through my entire body, a constant reminder of all the things I’d lost. Sadie, my career, Amber. Happiness, love, and meaning were forever out of reach as punishment for dragging Sadie into the situation that’d claimed her life. That was my curse, and it’d claimed Amber.

  I’d held Sadie in my arms as she died. I saw the light fade from her eyes as I waited for an ambulance. I felt the moment her heartbeat stopped and the warmth left her body. I couldn’t save her. I may as well have shoved those pills down her throat myself. I was cursed, and now I’d cursed Amber.

  Simon grasped my shoulder and shook me. “Yes, you’re supposed to fight, Lawson. That’s what innocent people do.”

  “She’s probably gone,” I muttered.

  “Gone?” His brow furrowed.

  “She’s a runner, Simon,” I said, knowing I could trust him. “Amber, she…”

  “That’s why she’s had so many jobs,” he said. “She’s been starting over, trying to find… I knew she had a story, but… She’s really had that much heartbreak?”

  I shook my head, more to clear it than as an answer to Simon’s question. I’d been to her place a lot since we hooked up, so I knew she didn’t own a lot of stuff. She didn’t even have a couch or a TV. If she wanted to up and leave with zero notice, I was sure she could pull it off.

  She’d told me this time was her make or break, her ultimatum, and I broke her heart. Broke wasn’t the right word. I’d shattered it. Amber had opened up the darkest parts of herself and trusted me, and I hadn’t even been strong enough to tell her the truth. I was a coward. A nobody. Nothing.

  I knew if I went to her place, it would be empty. It was too late. Amber was gone.

  “She’s left,” I murmured, completely numb. “She’s gone.”

  “Do you love her?”

  My throat burned, and I curled my fingers into tight fists. She needed to leave before I killed her, too.

  “Lawson”—Simon shook me again—“do you love Amber?”

  I stared at him, my muscles tense beyond belief.

  “Amber isn’t Sadie,” he said like he could read my mind. “She isn’t Sadie.”

  How long was a person meant to grieve the loss of a loved one?

  “If you love her, go and make things right before she’s gone forever.” Simon’s grasp tightened on my shoulders until his fingers were biting into my skin. “You need to tell her the truth. She deserves to hear it from you, not some psycho bitch hell-bent on destroying your life.”

  I glanced around the gym.

  “I’ll handle your clients,” Simon said, nudging me toward the door. “Go.”

  He was right. I couldn’t let Amber go without knowing the truth. If she did leave… This was her make or break. Her last shot. If she believed she’d failed, that life and love weren’t wo
rth it, what would she do?

  An image of Amber’s lifeless eyes flashed in my mind, and I began to panic. Sera… She was doing it again.

  I focused on Simon and nodded. “Thanks.”

  “Bring her home safe,” Simon said.

  “I intend to.”

  History would not repeat itself.

  22

  Amber

  The name of my first obsession was William Morley.

  I was eighteen years old. I’d just gotten my driver’s license and was in my first year of University. I was doing an Arts degree because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life other than to fall in love. There wasn’t a degree in that, but I’d spent a great deal of time that I should’ve been studying watching all my favourite romantic comedies—Amélie, Serendipity, Under the Tuscan Sun, Before Sunset, Love Actually, Sliding Doors. I could’ve written a master’s thesis on the subject.

  I was an awkward teen in high school, so it’d been my first real shot at ‘making it.’ A friend set us up on a date, and I threw myself into it with reckless abandon. Unfortunately, all he saw was a direct line for his penis to go straight into my vagina. I didn’t want to see the truth. I wanted it to be perfect. I knew I didn’t feel anything for him, but maybe in time, I would. I ignored all the signs, then it was too late.

  William Morley broke my heart the moment he scored. He took my virginity with his sloppy penis and couldn’t even find my clitoris on the way out. That was the first time I packed up and left. I was mortified by the way I’d acted and couldn’t face what I thought was the inevitable laughter and gossip at my expense.

  It was like I was setting up franchises all over the city. I even went interstate.

  That was where I was thinking of going this time. Sydney was expensive, but Brisbane might be okay. I knew it was a knee-jerk reaction, and I would regret leaving everything I’d built, but this was my familiar. It sounded stupid, but this was what I knew. Running. Starting over. Trying again. These were my spirit animals.

  No wonder I’d been an easy mark.

  I zipped my suitcase closed and hauled it upright. Glancing at the bed, I sighed. This time had been my make or break, so I’d bought it when I first moved in. That bed was the first real piece of furniture I’d owned, and now I had to leave it behind.