Wandering Soul

by Steven Anderson

  “Can you sing to me while I run?” I asked her.

  “What would you like to hear?”

  “You know what I want. Elephant song!”

  Before I was even half way around the first lap I was singing with her.

  “Elephant walked a lonely, weary way, through oh so many lands

  Towering forests dark and green, and deserts of sand

  Crossed oceans wide and mountains steep

  and e’en thru swamps he did creep

  Singing “Home, home, home,

  Oh, for a home to rest my feet.”

  It had always been my favorite. I remember making Hannah sing it to me every night for years. She must have gotten sick of it, but she never complained.

  By the end of the first lap I was shouting the lyrics out as I ran. The little elephant and the friends he met along the way, the camel, the monkey and the hippo, had realized that the journey with each other was better than any home they could imagine and that their wandering feet would wander forever.

  When Star stopped singing I yelled, “Again!” and we went through it all a second time. And a third, and I don’t know how many more times.

  On the fourth lap I was watching the thunderstorm moving across the valley as the sky drew darker and a wind had risen. Wind and lightning and thunder, the smell of desert after the rain coming to me across the valley; Dad had done a beautiful job. Half way through the fourth lap I was wondering how dark it was going to get as clouds gathered over me. I got my answer in a brilliant flash of lightning, and thunder so loud that I missed a step. Cold rain came pouring over me and I was drenched in an instant.

  “Star! No! Stop, discontinue, close the sim, no more, enough!” The sky cleared and the outer ring corridor was back to grey painted metal. “What was that?” I pushed my hair back away from my eyes, tasting rain water and sweat.

  “Your father and I worked quite hard on the thunderstorm simulation. Was it realistic?”

  “Yes, perfection. I think I need to go back to my cabin now.”

  “Do you need help finding it?”

  “No, as long as you haven’t moved it or created hidden sink holes or quick sand along the way.”

  “Not at this time.”

  If Star had a face, I’m sure she would have been smirking.

  “Dad told you to do this, didn’t he?”

  “While he was helping you strap into the shuttle, as you’ll recall.”

  I did recall. Dad wasn’t very subtle, but you had to be paying attention all the time.

  “Please send him a note from me thanking him for making such a realistic simulation.”

  “Sent.”

  I ate dinner that night with Tobias and Sandy and we talked about starship design and engineering and the Vista-class ships that were entering service with their new engines that would cut transit times by twenty percent. By the time I was finishing my bowl of ice cream, I had convinced myself that RuComm was the next step in the life I wanted. My parents would be mad when I applied to the Academy, but there was a desire burning in me unlike anything I had ever known. I wanted, no, I had to design or build these works of moving art that carried our species between the forty worlds where humans now lived. I could not imagine anything that would give more meaning to my life.

  After dinner I asked Tobias and Sandy if they would walk me back to my room even though I knew the way. I thought I had seen something shimmering under one of the tables on the far side of the mess hall and a wave of fear had started to go through my mind, but then it stopped. I looked at the shadow under the table again and there was nothing there. I should be afraid of the Tarakana, I thought. They’re on board this ship and no one knows it, not even Star herself. I should be terrified, but when I tried to think about it, my brain just kind of felt fuzzy.

  Sam came up to me while I was taking my tray to the recycler.

  “What are your plans for this evening, Mala Dusa?”

  “It’s been a long day. I’m just going back to my cabin to crash.”

  “Oh, that’s too bad. I was going to work out for a while before bed, maybe run the outer ring corridor. I thought you might want to join me.” He smiled. “Star has trail simulations that you can load. They’re supposed to be pretty good.”

  “I’ve heard about that. My dad even did some modifications to the Sonoran Desert sim. You should try it. He said to just ask Star to load his mods on top of the base trail.”

  “Thanks. I’ll try it out tonight. Sure you don’t want to come?”

  “Not tonight.”

  He left and I smiled to myself, feeling evil. A cold shower before bed would do Sam good.

  The mess hall was still full of people finishing dinner, talking to friends and laughing together. I realized there was nothing to be afraid of. It was foolish to have Tobias and Sandy walk me to my cabin, I knew how to get there and I wasn’t a little child. I had decided to tell them that I’d find my own way, but when I got back to the table they assured me it was no problem, so I got my escort anyway.

  My door closed and the lights came on. I wasn’t afraid anymore, but I still examined each of the shadows in my cabin very carefully. I unpacked my bags, got everything arranged the way I liked it and then sat down at the desk and connected through to Winona.

  She was sitting at the desk in my room, which was now her room.

  “Winn? How did my bed get over by the window?”

  She looked over her shoulder as though wondering the same thing. “Oh, I like to sleep with the window open so I can feel the cool night air on my face. I’ll help you move it whenever we make it back here.”

  I didn’t like the way she had phrased that, and Winona was never careless with her words. “We’ll be back before the start of school, right?”

  “That’s probably true.”

  “You think Mom’s hunt will take longer?”

  “The Tarakana.” She paused, thinking. “This isn’t a hunt, it’s a diplomatic mission. They have lived alongside us for who knows how long. Since the rise of the first Union? Maybe before humans even left Earth? Why do they hide from us? Where do they come from? There’s a thousand questions and no answers. Your mom seems excited and determined, but I think she’s scared too. It seems very personal for her.”

  “And I’m stuck right in the middle of it on a ship full of them.”

  “And with Samuel Coleridge.” Winona smiled. “Tell me about him. I know ‘zero interest’ was just for your parents.”

  “Zero interest. Even without being terrified of what the Tarakana might do if I let myself be alone with him. He’s five years older than me, Winn, and I don’t like the way he looks at me even if he does have pretty eyes.”

  “What color?”

  I giggled. “Don’t do that to me. They’re blue.”

  “I don’t think you need to be too worried. Your dad and Alice were alone together with the Tarakana for over six weeks before you were conceived.”

  “Winona!”

  “Whatever they do to human desire seems to be cumulative and slow acting, but also very persistent. I suspect your two engineers were being influenced by them long before the incident in the engine room.”

  There was a knock on my door. “Just a sec, Winn. Star, who is at my door?”

  “Mr. Coleridge.”

  “Tell him to wait a moment.” I looked at Winona and whispered, “What should I do?”

  “Let him in. I’d like to look at him.”

  “I can’t have him in here alone with me.”

  “You won’t be. I’m here with you.”

  I don’t know why that made sense to me, but it did.

  I opened the door and a very wet Sam Coleridge was standing in front of me. I bit my lower lip, but before I could say anything, like an apology, Sam said, “Mala Dusa, you have to try this. Your dad i
s a genius. The trail he designed, it’s brilliant. It has smells, and the colors are perfect and best of all, it has the most realistic thunderstorm I’ve ever seen.”

  “I know, I, uh, ran it this afternoon before dinner. I didn’t want to, um, spoil the surprise?”

  “Thanks, I appreciate that.” He pushed wet hair away from his face. “I’m sorry to have bothered you, but I had to tell you what a great job your dad did.” He smiled and turned to leave.

  “Don’t leave yet.” He turned and looked at me with such hope in his eyes that I immediately regretted stopping him. “I was just talking to my best friend. She wanted to say hello to you.” I stepped aside and he came into my cabin, still dripping water.

  I sat back at the desk and Sam knelt down next to me, smiling at Winona.

  “Sam, this is Winona Killdeer; Winn, Sam Coleridge.”

  “Hi, Winona.”

  Winn just stared at him, eyes big, absorbing every detail. Sam glanced over at me, as if asking, is this normal?

  “Say hello, Winona,” I prompted.

  “Mala Dusa claims to not like you very much, but she’s lying. Just take it slow and you’ll do fine.”

  I put my hands over my eyes and knew my cheeks must be bright red. I think I made a little ‘urp’ sound.

  Sam laughed nervously. “Um, Mala Dusa, I think I should be leaving now. I guess I’ll see you at breakfast. Goodnight Winona, it was a pleasure meeting you.”

  I didn’t take my hands away from my eyes until I heard the door close behind him.

  “Winona Killdeer, I should have just let the Tarakana come in here with me, for all the help you are.”

  “I did help you. I reset his goals from short term to long term. You can be friends with him now without worrying that he’ll try something if he gets you alone.”

  “Oh.” I looked at the doorway he had just walked through and the wet carpet where he had knelt next to me. “Thanks, Winn, but you couldn’t have made it slightly less embarrassing?”

  She looked at me, head tipped just like Hannah. “You go slow too, Duse. Make a friend and then see how you feel about him after we graduate.”

  I sighed. “I’m not even sure yet if I like him at all.”

  At 2200 Wandering Star transited the first Deep Space Hole. There was a moment just before the jump when it felt like the engines had stopped, then I felt like I was falling for a fraction of a second, and then gravity was back and the vibration in the floor returned to normal. I was lying in bed reading when it happened. “Huh,” I said out loud. “The engine I fixed didn’t explode after all.”

  Once we had finished breakfast, Tobias and Sandy showed me their ship. I say ‘their ship’ because in their minds the Captain just gave orders once in a while, we were missing our Executive Officer for this hop, and the RuComm technical team were just passengers. I found the logic hard to argue with.

  We went to all four of the engine rooms, made adjustments to the hydroponics bay where fresh food and fish were being grown, toured the recycling system where the rain from yesterday’s thunderstorms was being turned into tomorrow’s coffee, did preventative maintenance on the environmental controls, and they let me see the system that enabled Wandering Star to grapple the artificial black holes and hurl herself lightyears away in less than a second. Every part of it was interesting and beautiful to me, and Tobias and Sandy were enthusiastic tour guides and teachers. They were the first people I had ever known who understood the joy I felt being with machines and electronics and working with Artificial Intelligences like the one that was Wandering Star.

  I tried to explain that to them while we ate lunch. “I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to have me tag along with you this morning. I’ve always wanted to be an engineer.” I took a bite of my salad before continuing. “Now I think that love must have been burned into me when I was little, running through these passageways as soon as I was old enough to run.”

  I grinned at them, but they looked confused. “I was born on this ship. I thought you knew.”

  I could see it in Sandy’s eyes when she finally realized who I was. “Oh. Your birth here is kind of a legend, as was your mother’s, um, I mean–”

  “My mother’s death,” I finished for her. “It’s OK. That’s why I passed on looking at the medical AI and the infirmary where she died. I don’t remember anything about it, of course, but still, it bothers me when I think about it too much.”

  “I can understand that. I’ve never seen anyone so much in love with this ship as you seem to be. It’s funny,” she smiled at Tobias, “he and I went into that engine room and discovered that we loved each other. You went in there alone and discovered that you loved Wandering Star.”

  “I, uh, I hadn’t–” I felt very confused. What if what I was feeling, my desire to go to the Academy and learn how to design ships, was all just the Tarakana messing with me?

  “Mala Dusa, are you all right?”

  “I’m fine, just thinking. If I want to learn to design starships, does it make sense to go to the Academy?”

  “There’s other schools with good programs, but the Academy is one of the best. It’s where I went. I’ll write you a letter of recommendation if you like.”

  That made me feel better, maybe my emotions hadn’t been completely compromised.

  “Thank you, I’m not sure yet, but–”

  “Ms. Holloman?” Star interrupted. “Your file transfer from Falling Star has been completed. You can view it on your display pad, but I would recommend that you use the ring corridor to experience it in three dimensions.”

  “Are you sure you’re OK?” Sandy asked. “All the color just went out of your cheeks. What file did you receive?”

  “My parents were married on Falling Star on their way to Bodens Gate,” I explained, my voice barely above a whisper. “The whole ceremony was recorded. I’ve never seen my mom before, other than still images and short 2D clips.” I looked at what was left of my salad, not wanting any of it.

  “You need to go, then. Here,” she handed me a packet of tissues, “you might need these.”

  I ran all of the way to the ring corridor.

  “Star, load my file, please.” The corridor faded and was replaced with the Dulcinean Heritage Trail, the DHT. I had hiked and camped along the real trail almost every summer with Dad and Hannah growing up. In the simulation, I was standing in a meadow full of people. A much younger Captain Kelang was there, wearing his XO uniform, and my dad was there, looking handsome and not much older than Sam.

  And my mom was there. Her dress was elegant and perfect for the thin build she and I shared. Her hair was long and blonde just like mine, but neatly braided down her back and with flowers and something that sparkled woven into it. I looked at her face and sighed. She would never have been considered pretty, but a strange thing happened when I put the recording in motion. She turned and looked at my dad and he smiled at her with such love in his eyes that she seemed transformed when she smiled back at him. Is it possible for someone to be beautiful because they are so loved? My mom was beautiful.

  I watched the whole ceremony from beginning to end without stopping and then started it again. The second time I paused it in several places and walked around and looked at everything from different angles and went through the entire packet of tissues that Sandy had given me.

  It was late afternoon before I told Star to close the file. The DHT faded away and was replaced by cold gray deck plates and walls. Except my mom was still there in her wedding dress, looking right at me and smiling, just as though she was smiling at me because she loved me.

  “Star, please close the file.”

  “It is closed, Ms. Holloman.”

  “Close it again, then.”

  Mom disappeared, but then part of the simulation came back. Where I was standing was still gray metal, but ten meters away the DHT was st
ill running, following the curve of the corridor into the distance. My mom was standing at the edge of a grove of trees wearing a blue t-shirt, hiking shorts and oversized boots. She was staring right at me like she was waiting for me to follow her.

  “Star, why are you doing this?” I could feel tears starting.

  “The file is closed.”

  “No, it’s not. I can see her right there under the shade of the trees.” As I pointed the last of the simulation closed, and the DHT and my mom were gone.

  I ran back to my cabin and punched in the code for Winona. I told her everything that had happened and that I was scared, although I was trying very hard not to be. I told her that I didn’t know if what I had seen at the end of the file was an artifact of data corruption, Wandering Star’s AI continuing to degrade, or if the Tarakana were already inside my head, making me feel things and see things that weren’t really there. I told her that I was holding tight to the lock of hair she had given me and how it made me feel closer to her and yet miss her even more. I asked her to pray for me and then I hit the send icon. In twelve hours Winona would see my message, and it would be another twelve hours after that before I could expect to see her response.

  CHAPTER 6

  MERRIMAC

  I was sitting on my bed curled into a ball with my arms wrapped around my knees when Star interrupted me. “Mr. Coleridge asks if you will be coming to dinner.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Ship’s time is 1745.”

  I had been sitting on my bed for over an hour, but I didn’t remember much of anything after I had sent the message to Winona. “Tell him I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  I forced myself to stand and walk to the mirror. Red eyes framed by disheveled hair stared back at me. I tied my hair back, threw some cold water on my face and looked again. I have my mom’s face, except a little rounder. My eyes, when they’re not red and puffy, look like Dad’s. I considered just ordering something to eat from the printer, but no, I was somehow the ship’s chaplain, at least for a few more days, and I was brave.