Wandering Soul

by Steven Anderson

  “Sam.” The thought of him started to fill me and the hum in the back of my head receded for a moment. I looked at Winn, pleading. “Winn, help me. What am I doing?”

  Then I pushed Sam back. There wasn’t time for him now. He had a role to play, but I couldn’t have him yet. When we were done, and the Government was defeated, then would be the time for Sam, then I could take him.

  The shuttle ride was too short to finish even a rough outline of all we needed to do. Our first focus would be establishing a foothold with the Bovita. Finding a way back down to Bodens Gate was critical.

  The shuttle docked and I was still talking to Winona quietly as we walked down the ramp, working on alternatives for how we were going to get back to the Warrens.

  “Hey, MD.”

  Sam was there.

  The hum that had been filling my head vanished, pushed out by the only thing that mattered to me. I ran to him and wrapped my arms around him so tightly that it was like my body wanted to merge into his. After a few moments of crushing each other, when I finally realized I couldn’t get any closer, I tipped my head back and we kissed.

  Something was trying to get back into my head, but there wasn’t room any more. All I could feel was his mouth on mine and his arms holding me up. I felt like I was falling. It was a wonderful feeling and I gave myself over to it.

  “OK, I think she’s coming out of it now.”

  That was Dad talking. I opened my eyes, realizing that I had deck plates under me and Hannah’s face over me. The deck plates were cold; Hannah looked amused.

  Sam was holding my hand, a little crease of worry between his eyes. He bent down close to my head.

  “Don’t kiss her!” Winona warned him. “She might faint again.”

  “I fainted?”

  “You did,” she told me, then to Sam, “I’m impressed that you could do that.”

  Sam looked embarrassed as he helped me sit up. I closed my eyes again, my head pounding. After a moment, I opened one eye, squinting at Winona in the glare of the lights in the shuttle bay.

  Before the blackness took me again, I managed to say, “Tarakana. Don’t let them in, Winn. We have to stop them.”

  I woke up feeling very comfortable. It took several seconds before I realized that Sam was carrying me.

  “Hi, there,” I said, looking up at him. “Where we goin’?”

  “Infirmary.”

  “Am I sick?”

  “The mobile scanner says you’re fine. Your parents wanted to make sure, so I volunteered to carry you while they go to talk with the Captain.”

  “Where’s my Winona?”

  “Right here,” she answered from behind us.

  I lifted my head enough to see her. “Hi, Winn. I’m bein’ carried.”

  I put my head back down and looked at Sam. There was a line of sweat on his forehead. “I’m sorry I’m so heavy,” I told him.

  “You’re not.”

  “Oh.” I probed deeper, finding I could dimly sense what he was feeling. “I’m sorry I’m scaring you.”

  “How did…” He paused, looking down at me.

  “It’s the Tarakana.” I could feel his confusion. “You try it. I’ll bet you can tell what I’m feeling right now if you want to.” I looked up at him with my eyes half closed, smiling. I knew he had reached me when he blushed. “I have some secrets I need to tell you, Sam.”

  He put me down on the medical bed and I took his hand. “It will get stronger the more we’re around them. And they’re everywhere, at least everywhere I go.”

  I looked over at Winona while I laid down. “Do ya think they’re following me? I think they might be following me.”

  Something cold touched my forehead and everything seemed muffled while the AI scanned me.

  “It’s almost like she’s drunk,” Sam commented.

  “She doesn’t drink.” My Winona stood up for me. “Except for a small glass of wine with dinner sometimes. Or a beer. She really likes margaritas, but not straight tequila.”

  “Bleah,” I added. “Made me throw up.”

  “What is it, then?”

  “Tarakana!” I answered. I tried very hard to look serious. “The colony in the Warrens is bad, Winona, not like Merrimac. He’s my friend, but these guys are really, really… Did I say really?” Winn nodded. “Really bad. We’re gonna stop them. You can help us, Sam. And then when we’re done, you and I can do what I was thinking about.” I giggled.

  “What’s a Tarakana?”

  I tried to answer. Winn wouldn’t let me. “You lie still, Duse, and I’ll explain it all to him.”

  I closed my eyes and listened.

  The medical AI pumped something into me that made my headache go away after a few minutes and I stared to feel more like me again. When it was done, it told me that I had undiagnosed over activity in certain regions of my brain and advised me to drink more fluids and get more sleep. Sam was sitting in a chair beside me, completely numb.

  I sat up on the edge of the bed swinging my legs back and forth looking at him. “There were Tarakana on Wandering Star. I used to play with them when I was little and they remembered me. They wanted you and me to be together. They do that sometimes, push people together so they can feel their emotions. They did it to the engineers, Tobias and Sandy. They did it to my parents and they did it to Dad and Hannah. I told them to stay away from us. They promised they would, but there was still one in your cabin and one followed you to the embassy. I don’t know what they want.”

  “Don’t you? Winona thinks they’re controlling you.”

  I could feel my face getting hot. “What we feel for each other, I want it to be us that’s feeling it. Mac tried to show me what I needed to do for us to be…” I stopped, chewing on my lip while Sam stared at the floor.

  “I wasn’t interested in that. I told him to get out of your head. I think he was in there making you dream one night on the shuttle, showing you what was possible. But when he was in my head, it wasn’t like he was controlling me; it was gentle. It’s like he shows me what’s possible and then suggests what I need to say or do to make it real. At least that’s what Merrimac did most of the time.”

  The thought of what I had done to the engines haunted me, but I wasn’t ready to confess that to Sam yet.

  “The Warrens colony is very different. The feelings they want to create in us are dark and violent.” I thought about it for a second. “Yeah, they’re trying to control me. And Winona, and I don’t know who else.”

  I rubbed at my head, wincing. The pain was still there just under the surface.

  Sam looked lost. “Every step is deeper and there’s no bottom to it.” He sighed. “Now we’re going to go and confront an alien species that can hide in plain sight, or look like something else, and can enter our minds and make us do things we don’t want to do. I thought it was a big step when I decided to help save you from a planetary government that was trying to kill your entire family because your mom is an infamous leader of the insurgency here.”

  Winona smiled at him, trying to be reassuring. “The Tarakana were real before you knew about them. The threat was real, but now you have the opportunity to do something about it. And what you did at the embassy was wonderful. It really did save our lives.”

  “What I did came to me, almost like in a dream. It was like I had to do it before I left. That wasn’t me being brilliant though, was it?”

  I shook my head. “Nope.”

  “This morning I contacted Captain Kelang and asked permission to come up and stay on Bahia Vista. I told him I could help fit out the biology lab while I worked on my Kempner-27 plans. For some reason, he agreed right away. This ship won’t even be ready for service for another four months. Then this afternoon I knew I had to send that message in the ambassador’s name and get out fast.”

  I looked around at t
he infirmary. “This ship isn’t done yet?”

  “No, she’s supposed to be Kelang’s new command. If he survives the investigation into the loss of Wandering Star. And the investigation into why he dropped a shuttle into Eindhoven and then brought it back without permission.”

  Sam was up pacing around the room now while I still sat on the bed swinging my legs. He continued, “It doesn’t matter if he loses his commission though, does it? He’s served his purpose. It’s like all of us exist to keep Mala Dusa alive and in the right place, and then we become disposable.”

  “Exactly!” Winona got up and hugged him. “I knew you were brilliant. That’s part of the theory I’ve been working on. I want to tell you about her parents and grandparents. There’s a pattern and I think you’re part of it now. I’d like to have a second opinion and then we need to talk about your parents.”

  Sam sat down on the floor and leaned back against the wall with his eyes closed.

  “Winona! You broke him.” I went and sat down next to him, taking his hand.

  “I can tell you about my mom, but I never knew my dad. He was chief engineer on the Zheng He. They left space dock two months before I was born, surveying for new worlds.”

  “And never came back,” Winn finished for him.

  “That’s right. I only knew him from the stories Mom told me. MD, when you talk about why you want to build ships, the way they make you feel, how your eyes light up at the thought of it, you sound just like how Mom says he talked.”

  He picked up his hand that I was holding and examined our intertwined fingers. “I love you, Mala Dusa, even though I know I shouldn’t. Is what I’m feeling because I fell in love with you, or was I pushed?”

  “I don’t know,” I barely whispered. “You love me?”

  “Yeah. God help me.” He sighed, shook his head, and said under his breath, “Sixteen. Shouldn’t even be touching her.”

  Winona was looking at us. “How come Bahia Vista is letting you talk like this?”

  Sam looked at her, surprised. “I don’t know. We shouldn’t have been able to get away with the kiss in the shuttle bay, either. Maybe that system hasn’t been integrated yet. Vista, are you monitoring RuComm personnel for contract compliance?”

  “Yes Mr. Coleridge.”

  “I just told Ms. Holloman that I love her. That’s not a violation?”

  “You and Ms. Holloman are exempt from that clause.”

  Sam and I looked at each other. “On whose authority?”

  “That information is not available. It was established at incep.”

  “Incep?” I asked.

  Sam answered. “Inception. It’s when her AI became sentient. Like eighteen months ago.”

  Winona sat down cross legged in front of us, looking happy. “At least we know we’re where we’re supposed to be. Is the ship’s mess hall functional or do we have to go scrounging? I’m hungry.”

  “How can you be thinking about food?” I asked her. “That means the Tarakana knew we were going to be here over eighteen months ago. How can we hope to fight against them?” I was feeling hollow inside, like I was doomed to play a role I had no control over. The shaking started again.

  She stood and grabbed my hand. “Up. Let’s get some food in you so you so your brain will start working again.”

  Sam got up too. “The right question to ask is how someone made Vista think the exception was created at incep. And why.”

  Winona looked at him. “I love you, Samuel. You always–”

  “Ms. Killdeer,” Vista interrupted, “please be careful of your feelings for RuComm personnel while on board.”

  Winona stared at the ceiling for about three seconds with her head tipped before sighing and turning toward me. No sound came out, but her lips said, princess.

  “It’s not my fault this time!” I protested.

  “Let’s get something to eat. It’s already 1930 and I’m starving.”

  I took Sam’s hand and we followed Winona out of the infirmary. She asked Vista to guide us, and I didn’t bother to tell her that Sam and I knew the way since the deck layout was the same as Mara Vista’s. I don’t like it when Winn is mad at me; it makes me feel like the world is all munted and higgledy-piggledy.

  My parents were already in the mess hall, sitting in a couple of chairs off to the side that were placed face to face. They were holding hands with their eyes closed, leaning forward so their foreheads touched, oblivious to the other people having dinner.

  “I don’t think we should bother them,” Sam said.

  I saw the corner of Hannah’s mouth twitch upward. “It’s OK, they know I’m here.”

  “Of course they do.” Winona was still grumpy.

  “Winn, please don’t be like that. I need you to figure out my life for me. There’s no way I can do it myself.”

  “You’re right about that at least.” She still looked unhappy. “I don’t like where my theory is taking me. That’s why I need Sam –who I’m not in love with–” she shouted at the ceiling, “to listen to my logic.”

  I put my forehead up against hers “But I love you, Winn.” It was like when Sam was carrying me; I had a dim impression of Winona feeling flustered.

  She pulled back. “Don’t do that. I don’t want to be part of whatever that is. Please promise me, Duse, promise that you won’t try to know what I’m feeling. Promise me.”

  “OK, I promise.” I was willing to promise almost anything to keep Winona from being mad at me. “We just need to keep the Tarakana out of our heads. The more they touch us, the harder it will be to not know what each other are feeling.”

  She nodded and we walked past my parents to see what Bahia Vista had on offer for dinner.

  “Well, at least it’s not lasagna.” Sam was sniffing at a tray of browned, tubular meat.

  “Vista, what is this?”

  “Mititei, made from a mixture of lamb and pork, then grilled. They make an excellent appetizer for the chicken frigarui. Be sure and save room for a babka for dessert, though.” Vista lowered her voice. “It’s been soaking in a rum syrup all day.”

  We were about half way through dinner before Hannah and my dad joined us. She seemed much more relaxed, almost at peace. Dad started telling us about what they had discussed with the Captain, something about how we were all going to get back home. I wasn’t really paying attention. The engineering team was sitting one table over, going through plans for what the swing shift would be working on that evening to get Bahia Vista ready for service. They had a schematic of one of the engines glowing in the air above the table and I couldn’t take my eyes off of it.

  “Mala Dusa, you should be paying attention to this.” Dad was staring at me, not as patient as he sounded.

  “Yes, sir. It’s just… they have the drawings up, and you know…” I sighed, turned around, and then immediately looked back over my shoulder.

  “Tell Sam to kiss her again,” Winona suggested. “That seems to hold her attention, at least until she passes out.”

  “You’re not helping, Winn.” Sam took my hand under the table, and I hate to admit it, but I lost interest in the schematic for the moment.

  Winona smiled at me, looking smug.

  “What did I miss?”

  “We’ll be going back on Tuesday,” Dad answered.

  “Good. That gives Winn and me a couple of more days to work on plans.” I unrolled my pad in front of Hannah. “Here’s what we’ve got so far. The Bovita are the key, then the Feraru and Roho. Consolidating the clans into a single force shouldn’t take more than four months if we remove the right people up front.”

  “Back home.” Dad corrected. “We’re going home. The agreement with the Union was for us to leave Bodens Gate. ‘How I overthrew a government’ is not an appropriate topic for your summer essay.”

  “This could work, Ted.” />
  Hannah was busy scrolling through my hastily sketched maps, studying the kill lists and armament requirements.

  “No, Hannah.”

  “The Warrens are going to rebel, Mom,” I told her, “even Father Ryczek knows that. They’ll do it without leadership, without a plan, with nothing but hope and only a dim memory of what things were like at the beginning of the Confederation. When that happens, they’ll be slaughtered. Boden will win again and conditions will be worse than they were before you started.”

  “Are they still in your head?” Winona asked me softly.

  “No, I don’t think so. But part of their plan is still there, and it’s the right thing to do. Winn, you’re smarter than me. Is there a way for the people in the Warrens to claim equal standing with the Citizens that doesn’t involve armed conflict?”

  “There was, but Mr. Boden made it harder, maybe impossible. It would have required Ms. Weldon to bolster the Council of Clans and negotiate from that base position of strength. Boden’s agreement with the Union banishing her makes a negotiated solution unlikely. Civil war is almost inevitable. Boden will prevail with few losses on his side. Losses in the Warrens will be heavy. He’s pretty good at this game.”

  “We can’t let that happen, Mom.”

  Sam was still holding my hand. He lifted it up and kissed the inside of my wrist. “You’re still trying to get me killed, aren’t you?” He sounded resigned. “I’m going to be out on the street with a sword or a gun in my hand trying to kill your enemies. Sooner or later, it’s going to happen.” He took another bite of his dinner, using his left hand so he didn’t have to let go of me.

  I was going to tell him ‘no’, but I couldn’t. I wanted him more than anything right then, more than designing ships, more than freeing the Warrens. I squeezed his hand and he looked at me. He seemed more amused than scared or angry. His eyes were so blue and I was visualizing us back on Bodens Gate, the danger and excitement of him fighting beside me during the day and being with me every night.

  “Whoa.” He blinked at me. “I could feel that. Wow, MD.”