Wandering Soul

by Steven Anderson

  I looked back at my burger. “I think I should have gone with Winona.”

  “Does it have potatoes in it?” Sam leaned over, looking into her bowl.

  She stabbed one and held it up for him to see. “Last batch till they get resupplied tomorrow. But I’m not going to worry about how many Tarakana are here with us now, just what they’re trying to shove into my Mala Dusa’s head.” She pointed her fork at me. “You talk, I’ll eat.” She put the fork in her mouth and closed her eyes again.

  I ate another onion ring and looked up at Bodens Gate. I could see part of the Orso Ipato where it was nestled in to the far side of the dock. There was a winged lion a hundred meters long painted on its side.

  “I don’t have to go home with you. I could go on Mesa Vista with Sam if I want to.” I looked at Sam so he could see in my eyes that I wanted to.

  There was a quick flicker of joy there before reason blotted it out. “Really? What makes you think you can do that?”

  Out of the corner of my eye I could see that Winona had stopped chewing and her face had gone blank. I turned back to her before I answered Sam.

  “I’m not going to do it, Winn. The vision they tried to push into me isn’t as strong as the one that’s already there. You and I are going home, we’ll finish our last year at John Kinsel, and then we’ll go to the Academy next year together and become so famous that they erect statues to us on campus.”

  Sam was smiling gently at me, amused that I had used the fantasy he had told me. I continued talking to Winn, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. “I have nine or ten months of eternity to get through and I’ll die if I don’t have you with me.”

  She took another bite of stew. “Tell me how you were going to do it.”

  “Oh, easy. One of the Tarakana was going to go in my place.”

  “I think your mom and dad might have noticed.”

  “Not if you helped. The Tarakana are only about eight kilos lighter than me and they can look like anything they want. Put some clothes on one after it’s assumed my shape and no one would notice. Especially if I wasn’t talking and was being all grumpy, the way I really will be when we leave. Hannah would never notice as long as she didn’t get close enough to sense its emotions. And Mac told me he could get me on Mesa Vista with no problems. Once a ship is in full boost toward the DSH, there’s no turning back. By the time we reached Kempner-27 it would be like I was part of the crew.”

  “Great. You’d be back on Earth just in time to give birth. You really think RuComm will let you attend the Academy after stowing away on one of their ships? And you’d get Sam fired. I keep telling you, Duse; they are not your friends.”

  “I’m not going to do it. It’s just… an interesting idea.”

  “They can really look like one of us?” Now Sam had stopped eating. The thought seemed to trouble him.

  “I… um. I saw my mom when we were on Wandering Star, my real mom.”

  “Oh.”

  “They seem to like the dog shape, and Mac showed me what they looked like on Cleavus. When I was little, sometimes they would turn into small elephants or other animals and they would play with me.”

  I looked away and took another bite of my lunch. “It doesn’t matter. I’m going home, and Winona will keep me alive until you come back in the spring.” I gave him a brave smile that didn’t work and tried to concentrate on my food.

  “You’re not afraid of them at all, are you?”

  “Not of Merrimac. I know I should be, but I’m not. He makes me feel safe, like everything’s going to work out. You don’t feel that from them?”

  “Maybe a little.” He didn’t look happy about it.

  “Winona?”

  “They terrify me. They’ve manipulated your families for generations. Everything is working out. For them. Or almost. I don’t think they planned for your dad to be in love with Hannah or for your mom to die.”

  “It’s strange,” I said between bites. “I came here to learn about my real mom, but I don’t know much more than before I left.” I reached my fork over to her bowl and stole a piece of carrot.

  “Have you managed to learn anything about Hannah?” There was a bit of an edge to her question.

  “I’m still trying to put those pieces together. There’s the Hannah I grew up with, who was always there when I got home from school, took me camping every summer with Dad, and yelled at me for not cleaning up my room. And there’s the Hannah that overthrew a government, the Hannah that Cuza worships. Then there’s the Hannah that would go back down there right now if Dad would let her. I don’t know.”

  Sam stole another one of my onion rings. “Have you always called her Hannah? Even when you were little?” Winn had her head tipped, waiting for me to answer.

  “No, not until I was like eleven or twelve. I was starting to understand that Alice had given birth to me and that she was Grandpa Vandermeer’s daughter. So one night, when Hannah was tucking me in, I asked her if I could stop calling her mom. She said that would be OK. After that, I kind of became obsessed with finding out more about Alice, wondering how my life would have been different if she had raised me, wondering if my dad had loved her as much as he does Hannah.”

  I was reaching my fork toward Winona’s bowl when I realized her eyes where all scrunched up.

  I glanced at Sam and his eyes were scrunched up too. “That must have broken her heart.”

  “No, she said it was OK.” I looked back and forth between them. “She really did. She said it was OK.”

  Winona touched her finger to my forehead and sighed. “That’s because she loves you.”

  I leaned back, Winona’s stew safe for the moment. “But it wasn’t OK, was it?”

  “Just call her mom more often. She likes it when you do that.”

  I took a bite from Sam’s bowl, feeling miserable. “I need a lot of work. I’m not a very good person.”

  He chuckled. “Wait till you get to know me better. Growing up without a dad? No friends? I did terrible things to my mom when I was growing up. I’m a mess too. Maybe you can try to figure me out while I try to understand you.”

  I kissed him. He tasted like tamales, so I kissed him again.

  “Stop! We only have about three hours before we leave and I’m not going to spend it watching that.”

  “Let’s go back over to Wandering Star after we drop off the swords. I want to say goodbye to Tobias and Sandy again and thank Captain Kelang. I kind of feel bad about ignoring them last night at dinner.”

  “Notice this, Samuel? It takes a lot to get her attention, but once you do, there’s a really nice woman inside.”

  He was staring at me. “Yeah, I’ve noticed that. Do you think she’s worth all the trouble?”

  “There are days that I have my doubts,” my best friend continued, “but in a frighteningly real sense, you were made for each other. I suppose that means that you can’t help how you feel about her. I just want you to know that she’s worth loving.”

  “Thanks, Winn, I’m still sitting right here, you know? And nothing to say about Sam?”

  “I don’t know him well enough yet to do a proper critique. He may be a little slow to do what’s right, the same as you’re a little quick to do what’s wrong, but he seems solid so far. What the Tarakana are doing horrifies me, but they are producing some interesting people, and not just you and Sam. I’m talking about your dad and his sisters, and Alice and her father.”

  She reached across me and took the rest of my hamburger, still thinking. Winona is always thinking. “The Tarakana are not infallible. I need to keep reminding myself of that. We can beat them.”

  “Or at least understand them,” I added. “Not all of them are bad.”

  “You worry me.” She ate the last bite of my hamburger and made a face. “That was terrible. Let’s talk your dad into barbecuing next week.�
�� She took my last onion ring. “I suppose you’ll want your room back.”

  Home next week. Sitting there with Bodens Gate hanging above us, it seemed impossible. I looked at Sam. I wanted to go with him so bad it hurt. And I wanted to return to the Warrens with my new sword to try to make things right, and I wanted to go home with Winona.

  Less than three hours left. I wanted to spend all of it in a small tent in a cave pretending nothing else existed. I wanted to listen to the sound of water dripping and echoing in the distance, talking quietly with Sam. I wanted to feel his hands touching me and the softness of his skin under my fingers.

  “Mala Dusa?”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Are you with us?”

  I opened my eyes. “Sorry. Day dreaming. Let’s go drop off the swords.”

  Winona didn’t want to drop off her sword. She wanted to wear it. “Look,” she pointed, “lots of people are wearing them.”

  I looked around the concourse. “I see one, and I don’t think he’s bathed in the last year. That’s your role model?”

  She smiled. “Yes. And what about that group over there?”

  “Those are Guardians of the Peace, and those things by their sides are called guns.”

  “They won’t let me have a gun, so a sword will have to do.”

  “Fine, but if you cut your fingers off, I’m not going to help you find them. Sam?” I could see it in his eyes. “Don’t you cut your fingers off either. I like your fingers.”

  “I won’t.”

  They opened the boxes right there at our table. I touched the hilt of mine and was tempted, but decided to wait until I knew what I was doing. One of us needed to still have fingers.

  People stared at us when we walked back to the ship. I was the Princess Mala Dusa, now with armed escort. Winn made a point of bowing to me while we waited for the lift to take us up to Vista’s outer ring, making Sam snicker.

  “I hate you, Winona Killdeer.”

  “Yes, my lady.”

  “The next stranger we meet, I’m going to introduce you as Witasna o Killdeer, heir to the Lakota matriarchy.”

  “I never should have taught you that word.”

  Mom was standing in front of us when the doors opened.

  She grabbed my arm and pulled me in with her. “Quick. All of you. I was afraid I’d have to search the entire dock.” She kissed my head as the door closed. “And you had the good sense to buy swords. You know how to use them?”

  Sam shrugged. “How big of a difference can there be between a foil and a gladius?”

  “Why didn’t you just call us, Mom?” I opened the long box with my rapier in it and struggled with the unfamiliar belt, trying to get it to sit properly on my too skinny body.

  “Can’t. All Union comms are being jammed. I came down here as soon as we realized it. Ted is on his way to the Orso to see if we can board now and maybe break orbit early if this means what I think it does.”

  “That wouldn’t make any sense.” Sam had the little crease between his eyes he always gets when he’s confused. “Bodens Gate gets most of its revenue from interstellar trade. Seizing Union ships would bankrupt the government.”

  Sam and my mom seemed perfectly calm, working the problem. I felt my brain going fuzzy as panic started to fill me.

  “The door is closing,” I whispered. “Just like Dad was afraid it would.”

  “Not yet, not if we hurry.”

  We got off the lift and Mom moved us quickly onto the ring transit that would take us to where the Orso Ipato was docked.

  “My stuff. Did Dad get my box?”

  Mom was watching the markers showing our progress with a worried look on her face. “What? No, of course not. No time.”

  Sam took my hand. “I’ll take care of it for you when I get back to Mesa Vista.”

  “You’re not coming with us?”

  “Only to kiss you and Winona goodbye. You knew that.”

  Mom was still watching the markers, I think willing us to move faster. She didn’t seem surprised when the lights flickered briefly and the transit car coasted for a second or two. I felt the jolt as we shunted onto what looked like a maintenance track and entered the darkness of a long shed build over the rail.

  “Winona, Dusa, please get behind me. Sam, I’ve no right to ask, but could you please stand beside me?”

  “Yes ma’am.” He moved in front of me, shielding me with his body from whatever was to come. He grinned at her. “I’ve been telling Mala Dusa that this was inevitable.”

  She smiled back at him, looking confident and very dangerous. “Follow my lead. I can probably talk our way out of this. Don’t touch your sword or even look at it unless I do. Understand?”

  He nodded, but none of that mattered once the doors opened. There were four members of the Guard waiting for us, standing about three meters back with their weapons already drawn. Behind them, a fifth man was smiling cruelly at Hannah.

  “Swords, Ms. Weldon? Really? Is that the best you could do?”

  The man with the Guards was older and fatter than his pictures, but I still recognized him.

  “I like swords, Mr. Boden. They force you to look at a man in the eyes before you kill him.”

  He chuckled. “Foolish words from a foolish woman. And stupid, when you’re standing there with your daughter to protect.”

  I was looking at the Guards and the small maintenance room we were in, trying to find some weakness or way we could get past them. I recognized the one whose gun was pointed directly at my head. I said her name out loud, surprised. “Officer Trilby.” A slight smile touched the corner of her mouth.

  “Come now, Ms. Weldon. Please step out of the car. Nice and slowly. That’s good. I’ve not had the pleasure of meeting your daughter and her friend. Mr. Coleridge, why am I not surprised to see you with this group of fugitives? No, not surprised, just very disappointed.”

  Sam didn’t answer.

  “So you seized all the Union ships in dock just to have the pleasure of saying goodbye to us? I’d no idea I was so important to you.” Mom sounded confident, but I could feel the fear in her.

  “Is that what you think? No, this meeting is just a happy byproduct. With all the unrest in the Union right now, it seemed an excellent opportunity to renegotiate our contracts on more lucrative terms. The CG has seen fit to put me in charge of finding a solution that will better serve the interests of our constituents. Putting a temporary hold on outbound traffic seemed like a good way to get the Union’s attention. But when I learned you were leaving, I just had to arrange one final meeting.”

  He gestured at me. “You, child, step out from back there. I can hardly see you.”

  I felt a shiver pass through me. I had not been shaking up until then, but now it started, deep inside. I took one hesitant step backwards.

  “Oh, that will never do.” He snapped his fingers.

  Officer Trilby holstered her weapon and pushed past Mom to come around behind me. She grabbed my upper arms and pulled back hard while shoving me forward. It hurt. I stumbled forward two or three steps and stood facing him.

  “That’s better.” Trilby was holding my arms behind me so tightly that my hands were already starting to tingle. “Let’s get a good look at you.”

  Boden walked all around me with a hard smile on his lips, studying me like a biological specimen. He touched my hair, took a handful of it and pulled my head back, making me gasp.

  “Let her go,” Mom told him. “Please.”

  “Please, is it? I wish she had come back to the embassy that night. Things would have been so much simpler.”

  He turned his attention to Trilby, but kept his grip on my hair. “So this is the girl Steiner found attractive?”

  “Yes. I’ve no idea why. It was disgusting.” She pulled my arms back just a little bit more. “She go
t him killed.”

  “Yes. I’m very sorry for your loss. He was one of our best.”

  He tugged my hair again and I closed my eyes, trying not to cry out. I was whimpering though. I couldn’t help it, and I was ashamed.

  “Boden, please.” Mom’s voice sounded desperate. “Write down whatever you want. I’ll sign it right now. Just let her go.”

  He ignored her. “Tell me,” I could feel his mouth close to my ear. “Are all the girls on Dulcinea as ugly as you?” Trilby laughed and she leaned me forward, making it hard to breathe. Boden slid his other hand up inside my shirt, cupping my left breast. “And so malformed?”

  He grabbed hard, twisting, and I screamed. Through the pain I could feel Sam sharing my agony. I could feel him about to do something stupid and noble, and I readied myself to watch him die.

  I opened my eyes, squinting through the tears. Winona was whispering something to Sam and he nodded. I couldn’t feel anything from him anymore, just somewhere a cold anger. Boden let go of me, looking momentarily confused.

  “I have more important things to attend to. Officer Trilby, take them all in to custody and get them back down to Eindhoven. We’ll work on getting charges filed sometime, oh, in the next month or so. That should give us time to get to know each other a little better.”

  He stopped in front of my mom and smiled. “Ms. Weldon. I’m sure I’ll be seeing much more of you later.”

  After he left, Trilby let go of my arms and shoved me toward Sam.

  He held me and Winona took a couple of steps toward her, angry. “How could you?”

  “What? You think I owe you something? You cut off my partner’s hand and then shot him in the head. This is what I owe you.”

  The back of her hand hit Winn square across the face. I caught her before she could fall and she looked at me, one eye closed. “My face exploded, Duse. I felt it explode. Not sure how I can still talk without a face.” She started to cry.

  CHAPTER 16