Whispers in the Wind
Page 17
After the events of graduation night, I was in such a daze that summer came without my noticing it. Henry had wisely stayed away for a few days, seemingly to give me time to think things out. When he did show up on my doorstep, it was awkward. I still didn’t know how to feel about things. Doubts lingered.
Of course, as expected, his primary excuse was the alcohol, but I wouldn’t let him off on that one.
“Henry, that excuse might work if we were talking about you flirting with a girl you hardly knew or if you had forgotten to pick me up for a date. But we are talking about you being with a girl you’ve been attracted to since grade school. We are talking about a person you have lied to me about and who continues to be the source of distrust in our relationship. How can I ever be sure you won’t pick her over me again? How can I hand you back my heart without knowing if you will break it in the same way somewhere in the future?”
His eyes averted mine. He stared off down the road for a long while
He was the one who finally broke the awkward silence between us.
“I don’t know how to tell you that you can still trust me. I not sure what I could say to convince you I love you and I really have no feelings for Sally Thompson. All I can ask for is that you give me the opportunity to show you. I don’t expect we can go on like nothing ever happened. If you will find enough room left in your heart for me; if you can find the smallest amount of faith to let me prove it, I promise to do my best to earn your trust again. I am sensible enough to know my only hope is to start over, if you will let me.”
While he talked I held tight to the screen door. I wanted him to think that at any moment I was just going to turn away from him and close the door and there were a couple of occasions when I considered doing exactly that. I know it wasn’t like I had found them in engaged in a full-blown physical romp in the backseat, but they were together and that hurt. It hurt because he knew I already had questions about his feelings for her. It hurt because I wanted us to have a special kind of love; one that could never be disputed; a relationship everyone recognized as rock solid. And in one careless moment, he took that away.
When it came to Henry, there was always this naive little part of me that wanted to forgive and forget. It always seemed to get in the way and it allowed me to forget how much he’d hurt me. It made me want to fall into his arms and be with him always, but I didn’t want that part of me win this time. If it did, I’d never really know if what we had was real.
“So, you just want to start over. And that’s supposed to make everything all right? I’m not sure I can even find enough faith in you to believe in the possibility. I’m still the one taking all the chances. I’m the one making myself vulnerable, putting my heart on the line again.”
Another long pause as he searched for words.
“I know you’d be taking a chance, but isn’t that what you did when we first got together? Weren’t you taking a chance then? Why is this so much different?”
“Because, Henry, I was taking a chance on a beautiful friendship becoming something more; trust wasn’t challenged, it just was accepted. Now? Now, I’d be taking a chance on someone who has already hurt me. There is a world of difference.”
From inside, I heard Momma call to me. It was Saturday, and she wanted help with the wash.
“Henry, I have to go. I need some more time to think about it. I’ll talk to you later.”
He turned away. I watched him through the front window. His head hung and his shoulders slouched. As the Cougar pulled away the wind kicked up the dust behind it.
Later that same evening J.B. came by and we sat out on the porch swing together.
“So, what’re you going to do? You gonna take him back?”
I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders.
“I don’t know. I guess I’ll do what I said. I’ll think about it the next couple of days and pray about it. Maybe then I’ll know.”
“Did you tell your parents?”
“Momma knew something was wrong when I wasn’t up and about like usual. I suppose she may have said something to Daddy.”
“What’d she tell you?”
“She said to pray about it and follow my feelings. If it works out it was meant to be, if it doesn’t then God has bigger plans. I guess that’s what I’m going to do.”
I said it, but inside, I knew. I knew I was going to give Henry another chance. I knew I wasn’t ready to let go. I suppose I even knew this wouldn’t be the last time he would disappoint me, but I was going to take him back anyway. Maybe it was just me trying to control things again, or maybe that’s how things were meant to be all along. Who knows for sure? Maybe I’ll find out in the future. I can’t say I understand it, but I know it was another step towards finding out who I was, and what I really wanted.
CHAPTER TEN