Whispers in the Wind

by C. E. Lemieux, Jr.

  The fall semester of college started without me. We had decided I would work while Henry started school. With what I could save up, and what he could save with a part time job, we could get married in June. Our on-again/off-again relationship had taken another turn, and I guess you could say we had ironed out our differences. It seemed only natural to take the next step.

  I knew it would be tough, getting married before he finished school, but I couldn’t bear being separated from him any longer than necessary. Besides, we had a plan. Henry would go to school, while I worked to support us. During the summers he could get a job; that would help us to get a little ahead. When he got his engineering degree, and a good job, I could go to school. It sounded like a workable solution to us.

  The hardest part was that first spring semester when Henry was away at school. I was at home working, and planning for the wedding. It was a good thing there was so much to do; I would have gone out of my mind otherwise. Of course, there were moments when I found myself wondering what he was doing, or who he was doing it with, but I soon trained my mind to put such thoughts in the corner. I had to trust him. I had to have faith he would be true to our relationship.

  During the day, I got a job doing bookwork for Henry’s old boss down at Coldwater’s Hardware. It started out as a temporary thing, because Sadie Howard, their normal bookkeeper, was pregnant, and planned to take some time off. They had me come in to work with her a couple of days a week, so I would know the job, but shortly after I started, she began to have complications with her pregnancy. She was forced to take off early. When her baby was born, he was pre-mature, so she had to be off even longer. My temporary job turned into regular employment. That wasn’t good news for Sadie, but it really helped me.

  On the weekends, and some evenings, I sat with Ida Jacobs’ baby. She worked as a waitress down at the Commercial Café. Her husband Dick was a roughneck on an oil-drilling rig. He worked all kinds of hours, and he never knew when he would get called out. Their little boy was as soft and sweet as the morning, and the more I sat with him, the more I realized I wanted a child of my own.

  Being an only child I had grown up with no one to play, or fight with, at least until I got old enough to wander the neighborhood. Even then, when you have friends, it’s not the same as growing up with someone. There isn’t anyone to whisper with in the dark at bedtime; no one with whom to share secrets or fight over doll clothes. Well, okay, on the last one I guess it wouldn’t have been much of a fight. I would have let her have the doll and the clothes, but maybe that’s because I did grow up alone. Maybe, if I had grown up with a sister, then I would have actually liked playing with dolls. Who knows?

  Anyway, I really enjoyed sitting for the Jacobs, and the pay helped to bring my hope of a summer wedding that much closer.

  Whatever time I wasn’t working, I was planning, or at least dreaming. We were going to be married in the Methodist Church. That’s where Henry’s family attended church. We both wanted to hold the wedding there because of the building, and its history. Although it wasn’t his church, Daddy didn’t seem to mind. I think he understood the things that take root in a little girl’s dream.

  The old Methodist building was such a neat place; a large, white building, with a bell tower at the front, wooden pews, and an old, oak floor that creaked when people walked up the isles during the sermon. The stained glass windows formed little colorful arches in the walls, and as the sunlight filtered in, it left kaleidoscope images on the inside of the sanctuary. On Sunday morning, the organ at the front would echo in the building, the sounds making their way out the door, and filtering through town. Everyone always knew when the service began.

  The wedding ceremony was to be conducted by both the Methodist minister and my father. It didn’t seem polite to ask to use their building, and not want their preacher to participate. Daddy and Reverend Miller generally got a long pretty good, even though they didn’t share the exact same beliefs. They often hunted together, and usually went to the coffee shop at the same time every day. They even exchanged ideas on passages of scripture.

  Daddy always said, “We travel the same road and have the same destination, we just choose to stop at different places along the way.”

  He was always good about accepting people as they were, and not standing judge over them. I think that’s why he was so effective in his ministry.

  He told me one time, “Abby Lynn, you can’t go setting out to change people or trying to beat them over the head with religion, else a lot of them will rebel and go the other way. The best thing you can do is offer your life as an example, then maybe they will follow suit.”

  Daddy always tried to live by what he preached; often helping people he didn’t even know. He was there to support to the people in the congregation; there when their babies came into the world, and there when their loved ones left it. Except for a few rare occasions, he never missed preaching his Sunday sermon. He served that congregation for nearly seventeen years, and he had their undivided devotion, but his daughter got married in the Methodist church. Thank goodness Daddy didn’t let things like that bother him.

  The wedding was planned for the first of June and, though it wouldn’t necessarily be the social event of the season, there would be a large number of guests. Since we had grown up together, we both knew nearly everybody within a thirty-mile radius of town. There was so much planning and work to be done; I started to feel some real ill feelings toward Henry for being off in college, leaving me to deal with it.

  He came back home once or twice a month that semester. We kept the post office busy with letters and postcards. Talking long-distance on the telephone might have been easier, but it was expensive, and since Henry had to use a pay phone, it wasn’t all that convenient. We did manage a few conversations, but it was still hard being away from each other so much. Having J.B. there to talk to made it a little easier. He always was a good listener.

  School went real well for Henry. He seemed to have gotten over the dawdling which had caused him so much trouble in grade school. He kept a part-time job at a local hardware store there in Stillwater. His grades were good enough to make the President’s list. I was so proud of him, and his parents glowed every time I talked to them. He was only the second person in their family to go to college, the first being an uncle on his mother’s side.

  One night about the end of April, I was especially down. I hadn’t received a card or letter from Henry all week. I knew he was busy with work, and getting ready for final tests, but that still didn’t keep the blues from setting in.

  I heard the screen door rattle against its frame. It was J.B.

  “Thought you could use some company.”

  I couldn’t help, but smile. How’d he always know?

  “Care to sit on the swing for a while?”

  I wiped my hands on my apron.

  “Let me get us some sweet tea.”

  “I’ll wait.”

  We talked about Henry, about some of the silly things we did growing up, and about each other. I know talking about old times when you’re only nineteen years old seems a little ridiculous, but to us they were old times.

  The conversation brought some not so distant memories back to life; causing me to realize how often he had been there when I needed him. I suppose I could blame it on the blues I was already feeling, or the realization of his steadfast friendship, or even excuse it by Henry’s actions, but the truth is I don’t know how it happened, but it did.

  I turned toward him and he was looking at me; really, intently, eye to eye looking at me. It was a deep, attentive gaze, like he was literally hanging on my every word. His eyes were so deep. His hand, which had been holding mine loosely, reached up and moved a strand of hair back behind my ear.

  “You’re too young and pretty to be so melancholy, Abby.”

  Maybe it had something to do with the moment, or maybe it was something much deeper, something I had never taken the time to feel, I can’t really say.


  I leaned into him. Our lips touched, lightly, but the emotions stirred by just the slight touch against his skin were unexplainable. Like a spark igniting gas vapors; just a moment; a flicker in time, that’s all it was, but it was long enough. Reason gave way to passion; I was like wax melting into his embrace. He pulled me closer, pressing back into me. His kiss was like nothing I’d ever felt; so tender and sensual, passionate and hot.

  The simple contact of his lips against mine moved down deep into my body, generating a warm, feverish feeling. It grew and grew until it had nearly consumed me, and everything outside of us seemed to fade away. I’d never experienced anything like it. Restless, edgy, impatient, and aching, I wanted it to go on and on; grow and grow.

  My thoughts were clouded. If I’d had any sense of restraint it had vanished into a mist. And if there had been a little voice telling me what I was doing was wrong; I’d crushed it out, smothered it, rendering it silent. I did not want it to end.

  My fingers ran their way through his hair, and I pulled him closer into me. I pressed myself into his strong, muscular chest.

  Then as quickly as the passion had ignited, reason broke through and he pulled away. I should have known it would be him, and not me, who found the strength to break away. I could not.

  He stood up, visually shaken.

  “Abby Lynn, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have let that happen. I knew you were lonely and vulnerable. I don’t know why I didn’t stop it. I’m sorry.”

  I looked at him for a moment. My head was swimming; I was so confused and disoriented. Then reality came rushing to the surface, and I was so angry with myself, and so sorry for him.

  “No, J.B., it’s not your fault, at least not yours alone. I lost my senses. Oh my goodness, how will Henry ever forgive me? After the way I treated him over Sally Thompson, I don’t know if he will.”

  He shook his head. He seemed almost angry.

  “Don’t do that! Don’t compare what just happened to the way he’s taken advantage of you through the years. So, you slipped up, and you kissed someone. You have no intention of doing more than that, and the only reason you did what you did is because he is away from you now. Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

  “If anyone should beat himself up it should be me. I’m supposed to protect you from things like this. Instead, I let it happen and I’m sorry, but I‘m not going to wallow in guilt. And I won’t grovel to Henry for what happened here. Not after the way he has treated you in the past. If you want to tell him, that’s fine, I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, but as far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t even deserve to know.”

  Well, that was a mouthful. I had never heard J.B. put so many sentences together the whole time I had known him. As I sat there silently letting his words sink in, I had to admit there was an element of truth to it, though it still didn’t seem right. However, dwelling on it wouldn’t change the fact that it happened. It would only drive a wall between us, and that was something I couldn’t allow. There were some ways in which I was closer to him than to Henry. I could share anything with him, and have absolutely no worry as to whether or not he would think differently of me because of it. He was a confidant, a safe haven. I needed to do what I could to protect our relationship.

  My conscience would not allow me to keep this a secret. I would tell Henry, but I couldn’t do it through the mail. I had to tell him face to face, and I wasn’t going to allow myself to agonize until that moment arrived.

  What was the verse Daddy always quoted? “Be anxious for nothing…” He would quote that verse and say, “Abby Lynn, worry will take more days away than it will ever add.”

  J.B. cleared his throat.

  “Abby, I hope this doesn’t hurt our friendship. That’s the most important thing to me. I don’t want to be uncomfortable around you, and I certainly don’t want you to be uncomfortable around me.”

  He was standing in front of me, with his hands in his pockets. I looked up at him, and patted the porch swing beside me.

  “Sit down here, J.B.”

  He seemed a little awkward, despite what he had said. Right then he looked like a little boy who had lost his way. I knew he needed some reassurance everything would be okay. It was up to me to return things to their normal place.

  “I wouldn’t ever be uncomfortable around you. You are my closest friend, the one person I can always count on. I know you don’t want me to blame myself, but I was there. I should have stopped it the same as you. The truth is I didn’t want to stop it. I guess I let myself get caught in the emotions, but something inside me didn’t want it to stop. You are right. It doesn’t do any of us any good to dwell on it, you, me, or Henry.

  “For now we’ll set it aside, and pretend it didn’t happen. We both know it wasn’t right, but we can’t let one little mistake ruin a lifetime of friendship. We mean more to each other than that. We have to go on, like usual. But if I promise not to get worked up about it, you have to promise not to dwell on it either.”

  He nodded.

  “I’ll try if you’ll try.”

  We sat there quietly together; both of us trying to pretend what had happened wouldn’t change things between us, all the while realizing it had. Just how we weren’t sure, but it had. As for me, I found myself tinkering with the question of how things might have turned out if this had happened before Henry and I had decided to get married. It was just a thought, and I tried not to give it time to take seed, but it did cause me to wonder.

  After a while, J.B. stood up.

  “I guess I best be goin’. I’ve probably stayed too long anyway.”

  I reached for his hand, as I rose from the swing. I felt my skin against his. Something felt different, warmer. Perhaps our little experience had created some even deeper bond, who’s to say? Whatever it was, there was no denying it had taken place.

  “J.B., I expect to see you around here like normal. Staying away from me won’t help things any.”

  “I’ll be back by in a day or two. It might be a little awkward at first, but I can’t stay away for long.”

  I smiled, and hugged him. Then he kissed my cheek. He turned away, and started walking up the road. He looked back once, and then he disappeared into the night.

  He was true to his word, coming back over the next evening. I think it surprised us both that we had no problem at all falling back into a regular routine. It wouldn’t have worked out that well with anyone besides J.B.

  Henry was home a few weeks later after the end of the semester. I told him all about what happened, and he seemed to take it pretty well.

  “Well, I can’t say it was something I ever expected, but if it was going to happen, I’m glad it was J.B.”

  Then he added. “I’m sorry. I guess the last few months have been hard on you. I know they have been on me. There are a lot of nice girls down there Abby. It isn’t always easy to walk a straight line. We both know I have no business judging someone else. How can I be angry with either of you? I’m sure there wasn’t any harm done. I hope J.B. isn’t uncomfortable with me, either. Aside from being my brother, he’s my best man.”

  “I think it all depends on how you two act around each other,” I offered. “If you treat each other the same as always, then maybe it won’t have any effect. Speaking of your best man, have you two gotten your suits cleaned yet?”

  “Yeah, Momma took them over before I got home from school. She sure is getting nervous about all of this. How about you? Are you getting cold feet?”

  I held both of his hands in mine. When I answered I looked him square in the eyes.

  “Henry Newburn, I have been waiting for this since the fifth grade. I don’t have cold feet, and I am not about to get them. I can’t think of a better way to spend the rest of my life, than to spend it as your wife. Of course, I may get a little nervous if it doesn’t look like we are going to get everything done on time.”

  I said it just like that, with all of the confidence and sincerity I could muster, and I
believed it; I truly did. But there was a part of me, a certain something inside that made me wonder. It wasn’t cold feet; it wasn’t fear or anxiousness; it wasn’t something that shouted out at me, more like this little tiny whisper in the back of my mind.

  Somehow, everything did seem to come together. Both of our families and friends were there, probably about two hundred people in all. And despite the guilt I might have had for not getting married in Daddy’s church, I couldn’t imagine it happening anywhere else. It was simply wonderful, even if it was a little crowded.

  As father of the bride, and minister, Daddy performed both of his roles well. I thought he might get a little choked up because he seemed that way before it started, but he didn’t. In fact, I think we both made it through it just fine.

  Henry and J.B. were dressed up so nice. They were both as handsome as I had ever seen them. Jenny Hodge was my maid of honor. She wore a blue satin dress, and she was gorgeous.

  Me? Well what can I say about me? I thought my dress was lovely, even if it was a store bought one. Momma didn’t feel she was up to the task of making something as detailed as a wedding dress. So, we went to Liberal for it. I felt awful that it probably set her and Daddy back in their finances, but she told me not to worry about it.

  “Something like this only comes around once in a lifetime, Abby Lynn. We don’t go for a lot of store bought clothing, and I think we can make an exception on this.”

  For my something old I carried a laced hankie tucked into my sleeve. It had belonged to my great, great grandmother. I borrowed a set of pearls my Daddy had bought Momma when he was in the Navy. Those were extremely special to her. I had only seen her take them out of the box and wear them once or twice the whole time I was growing up. In my bouquet was a collection of Blue Columbine flowers Momma had grown in her garden that year for the occasion.

  I guess I would say I was a pretty bride, if it wouldn’t be too prideful. At least, everyone else had said so, but I suppose they say that of most brides. I felt beautiful. Being dressed in white from head to foot, surrounded by people who came to see us start off this new part of our lives, joining in something as loving and honorable as the union of one soul to another; it was moving to say the least.

  As for the honeymoon, we hadn’t planned on being too extravagant about that. We still had to watch our pennies, so we couldn’t afford to lose our heads over it. We did travel down to Oklahoma City for a few days. Henry had sold the Cougar, and used the money to purchase a more practical car. It was hard on him to part with it, but it was his decision.

  “It isn’t sensible. Besides, what if we decide to have kids someday?”

  “Well, it’s your car. I don’t want to tell you what to do with it.”

  For the rest of the summer we both worked around town, taking every opportunity to earn money as it came along. There was a little one-bedroom house across town that hadn’t been lived in for quite a while. As the owner was more concerned about someone living in it to keep it from going to ruin, he rented it to us for one hundred dollars, and that was for the whole summer. We did have running water, but there wasn’t a washer, so we had to contend with doing our laundry at Momma and Daddy’s house. It wasn’t all that convenient, but at least it was just for the summer.

  When summer was over, and school was about to start, we packed up our belongings, said goodbye to our families, and headed out on our own. It was awfully hard for me to say goodbye. I had never known anywhere else as home. My folks moved to Forgan when I was two, that’s when Daddy first got the church. I was real close to my folks, especially Momma. I didn’t know what I would do without her there to talk to whenever I needed her.

  Saying goodbye to J.B. was really hard. Always the solid rock, he seemed to take it better than me, but he was pretty good about hiding his feelings. We sat in a couple of chairs on the front porch of the little house for a while before it was time to leave. He told me he would drop a postcard in the mail every once in a while, if I would do the same. We knew there would be visits from time to time.

  “Heck,” he said, “you’re just moving down state, not across the country.”

  “I know, but I’ll miss you. Who am I going to talk to when I get down? I won’t have you or Momma around.”

  “That’s what your husband is there for.” He said with a smirk.

  Then it was time to go. I felt kind of lonely leaving that dry, barren little town, even though I had Henry right by my side. It was like I was leaving my life behind and I guess, in a way, that’s what I was doing. That’s what we all do, isn’t it? When you move on to another part of life, you leave the old life behind, only to live on in memories.

  When we got to Stillwater, we found a little one-bedroom house there. It wasn’t nearly as cheap as the one we left behind in Forgan, but I didn’t have to use a Laundromat either. We both seemed to adapt well to married life, and being away from home. The plan went into effect, and I got a job waiting tables in a little coffee house near the college. Henry went back to school, and they hired him back at the hardware store part-time. We were by no means well off, but we were making it, and that gave us some pride.

  It wasn’t long before I had made friends with some of the other girls at work. That made the transition a little easier. Of course, Henry had a head start, having friends at school from the previous year. I didn’t know too many of them, he didn’t bring them around very often. As usual, Henry got to know my friends right away. He was always better at that than me. He would tease and joke with the girls at the coffee shop when he came in for lunch from time to time. They all thought he was great. Every so often one of them would bring their husbands or boyfriend along with us to a movie or dinner, but overall we didn’t go out very often. Money was still tight and we couldn’t afford to waste it.

  Momma kept up with us through letters mostly. We couldn’t afford a phone and even if we could, we wouldn’t have been able to afford the long distance calls. Though she tried not to say it, I could tell she missed me, and I will admit I missed her something awful. We had planned be home for Thanksgiving, so whenever I started to get a little too homesick, I tried to remind myself it wouldn’t be long. I couldn’t wait to see everyone. It felt like it had been an eternity since I had seen my parents.

  Then I got the phone call. It was October. At home, and even in some places around Stillwater, milo harvest was taking place.

  As I said, we couldn’t afford a phone, but there was this couple who lived beside of us, Bill and Imogene; they let us use their phone from time to time. In fact, when we moved in they insisted we give our folks their phone number in case of an emergency. They were older than us, but we got along fantastic. Imogene was always baking things, and would show up unexpectedly at the door with a batch of cookies or brownies. Bill was good about loaning Henry his tools whenever he needed them. On Monday nights Henry watched football with Bill, and I crocheted with Imogene. It was almost like having our parents next door.

  It was Imogene that came and got me for the phone call. I was about to leave for work. I had the afternoon shift, and it was almost noon when she came over. I could see she was extremely upset when she showed up at my door. I asked her what was wrong, but she would only tell me that I needed to hurry over to the phone.

  When I got there, it was J.B. on the other end.

  “Abby Lynn, your momma wanted me to call.”

  I could hear a waver in his voice.

  “What is it J.B.? I know she wouldn’t have asked you to call if it wasn’t important. Is it Daddy?”

  “I don’t know how to tell you this, Abby.”

  His voice was beginning to crack.

  “There was an accident. Your daddy was hurt and it doesn’t look good. He was helping out Brother Clifford. He was checking the gates on the back of the truck. I guess the truck wasn’t in gear or the brake wasn’t set. It was on a small hill and the truck rolled while he was behind it. It pinned him against the front of another truck and it doesn’t lo
ok good. She thought you should try to come home.”

  I stood with the phone to my ear in stunned silence, not knowing what to say or think. I couldn’t believe it. Daddy, of all people, I never would have expected it. He was a preacher. I never, in my worst nightmares, anticipated a call like that.

  “Abby? Abby, are you there?”

  “Yes, J.B., I’m here.”

  “Abby, I’m sorry it was me that had to tell you this. But I think if you’re going to try to come, you should hurry.”

  I shook out of my daze.

  “I’ll go get Henry. We’ll be on our way as soon as we can. And J.B., I’m glad it was you that called.”

  I hung up and called the coffee shop to tell them what had happened. Then I went to the college to hunt for Henry. We were out of town within thirty minutes of J.B.’s call. It was an agonizing trip, I cried most of the way, and we exchanged barely a word between us. Henry drove as fast as he could, only slowing down for the towns along the way, but we didn’t make it in time. By the time we made it back home to Forgan, Daddy had passed on. I think that was what hurt the most. I didn’t even have time to say goodbye.

  Nearly everyone in town showed up for Daddy’s funeral. There were so many people; our little church couldn’t hold them all. There were people seated in the basement and those that couldn’t be seated stood outside the building throughout the service. It made me proud to see how many people cared for Daddy. I find it amazing how many people one man can touch.

  Momma was graceful and composed. She greeted and thanked everyone, but I knew inside she was broken. I had never seen her so quiet. I believe it nearly sucked the life right out of her. It began to worry me she might not ever smile that beautiful smile again. Then I thought about Daddy, and those familiar words he had always offered in times of trouble. I could still hear his voice and it brought a tear to my eyes.

  “Abby Lynn, worry will take more days away than it will ever add.”