The Freshman

by Monica Murphy

  “Whatever you say.” His tone is sharp, and I can tell I’ve irritated him. “I’ll let you go. We’ll talk later.” The call ends.

  An irritated sigh escapes me and I glance up to find Gracie standing there, so close, I know she heard every single word I just said to my father.

  Oh, and Caleb is standing right beside her. Watching me. His eyes dark with unmistakable disgust.

  Shit. Shit, damn fuck.

  I try to play it off with a smile and a wave. “Hey guys. I thought you two were mad at each other?”

  “We talked,” Gracie says, her expression pleading. “And we worked it out.”

  “Friendship still intact then?” I say lightly.

  “Definitely,” Caleb says with a glower aimed at me. He turns to Gracie. “I need to go. See ya later.”

  He walks away without another word.

  Gracie approaches me, her expression worried. “Who were you just telling that you and Tony have an understanding?”

  A sigh escapes me as we enter the building. We have this class together. “My father. Our families figured out last night we’re seeing each other.”

  “Oh. And that’s still a problem?”

  “For whatever reason, yes. I wish they’d stay out of our business,” I say bitterly.

  “Yet you told him it’s probably going nowhere,” Gracie says. “With Tony.”

  It’s the worst thing ever when someone repeats your words back to you and you realize just how awful they sound. I lean against the wall right outside our classroom, and study the floor, running over everything I said before my father hung up on me. It was bad. All bad. “Caleb heard it, huh?”

  “Yeah.”

  I lift my head. “You think he’ll go tell Tony?”

  She nods. “Probably. Want me to do damage control for you?”

  “Is it really that bad?” I ask weakly.

  “Hay, you said you two had an understanding and you knew it was going nowhere,” she reminds me.

  “I said probably going nowhere. And I didn’t mean it. We pretty much declared ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend last night,” I say, shaking my head. “If Caleb tells him what he heard me say, he’s going to be devastated.”

  Or pissed.

  We enter the classroom and sit in our usual seats. The class is about half-full, and the professor is always running late, so I decide to change the subject. I need to think about something else.

  “What happened with you and Jackson last night?”

  Gracie’s cheeks turn pink and she waves a dismissive hand. “Absolutely nothing. I am embarrassed to say I tried to make a move.”

  “Oh God.”

  “I know.” Gracie nods. “And he turned me down in the sweetest way. He said he didn’t want to ruin his friendship with Caleb since it’s still so new, and that’s why he couldn’t do anything with me. Though he did say I was beautiful, and he was tempted. He might’ve just been saying that though.”

  “At least he has some standards,” I say.

  “Right? God, he’s just—painfully attractive. He smells really good too. And he says nice things. Kind things. Unlike some people I know.” Gracie scowls. She’s referring to Caleb.

  I say nothing. What can I say? Besides, I’m too busy mulling over what Caleb heard, and what exactly he might tell Tony.

  I could try and beat Caleb to the punch. I should pull my phone out right now and text Tony. Let him know what happened, and what they overheard. How I was trying to blow off my dad and pretend what Tony and I have isn’t a big deal.

  But it is a big deal. It’s a huge deal. I care about him. I don’t want things to end because of a misunderstanding. Because Caleb said that I said, blah blah blah.

  That’s so high school.

  No, it’s worse. It’s so middle school, and we’re above that. We’re more mature than that.

  Right?

  I grab my phone and open it. Click on Tony’s name and contemplate what I might say.

  At the same exact moment, the professor sweeps in, announcing there’s a surprise quiz, and I put my phone away, telling myself it’s okay. I can wait.

  I can wait.

  Twenty-Five

  Tony

  Feels like it always happens like this. Life is just cruising along, everything feels good, you’re all right with the world, the world is right with you, and then it’s like BAM.

  A slap to the face.

  A punch to the gut.

  And your life changes.

  Caleb found me on campus. In the library. I stopped by here for the hour break I have between classes, going over a chapter I skimmed yesterday that we might have a test on today. I’ve been distracted lately, and my grades are slipping. Nothing serious, but all I want to do is play football or spend time with Hayden. School has taken the backburner, when I need to watch out. I have to maintain a certain GPA to play on the team and I’m not about to risk it.

  “There you are,” Caleb says when he finds me, practically skidding to a stop in front of the table I’m sitting at. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

  He’s breathless. His chest is heaving, as if he’s been running.

  “Are you okay?” I ask.

  He settles into the chair across from me, his expression stern. “I overheard something.”

  Dread slithers over me, pooling in my gut. “From who?”

  “Hayden.”

  I thought this was team related. Not girl related.

  The dread grows, spreading through my blood. “What are you talking about?”

  “I don’t know who she was talking to, but I was walking Gracie to class.” I start to say something, but Caleb holds his hand out, stopping me. “Don’t give me shit. I’ll tell you about that later. Anyway, we ran into Hayden. She was on the phone.”

  “Okay,” I say slowly, hating where this is going.

  “And she said something like, ‘Tony and I have an understanding. We’re going nowhere.’” My friend’s expression is pained. “I hate being the bearer of bad news, but I thought you should know before she goes to you and tries to make it seem like she didn’t say that. I heard those words come out of her mouth, Tony. She said it. Wish I knew who to.”

  I nod, taking in his words, running them over and over again in my mind. The dread is still there, but I’m not angry. Not yet. More like I’m viewing this revelation as a puzzle, and I’m trying to figure it out.

  Why would she say that? And to who? After everything we discussed last night, I thought we were on solid ground. As solid as we’ve ever been. I was feeling good. I’m halfway to being in love, while she’s on the road to nowhere.

  Maybe she was playing me last night, but why? She’s always been upfront, right from the get-go. She doesn’t believe in relationships. She thinks they’re pointless, and I do too.

  I especially do right now.

  “This could be nothing,” I tell him after a few moments of tense silence.

  “It could be everything,” Caleb says. “I’m not trying to sabotage your relationship, bro. You have to know that. I just don’t—I don’t want you thinking that everything’s perfect, while she’s telling other people you two have an understanding.” He does air quotes with his fingers around the last word.

  That is something I’ve never seen Caleb do before in his life.

  “I hate seeing you guys go through it,” he continues, sounding sad. “Diego and Jocelyn? What a mess. Jake and Hannah, when they were having their troubles? Awful. Now you and Hayden?”

  “It could be nothing,” I stress again, my mind still replaying what Caleb said.

  “Right. Keep telling yourself that,” Caleb says, his voice ringing with doubt.

  Damn, he’s right. I sound like an idiot. I don’t want to be the idiot who thinks everything’s okay when it’s not. I’ve already done that once.

  “You and Sophie?” Caleb says, his voice gentle. I lift my head, my gaze meeting his. “She broke you. You put on this act like nothing affects you a
nd you don’t say shit, but I saw it. We all did. She broke your heart and you pushed it aside like no big deal. You never even talked about it with us.”

  “What was there to say?” I shrug, not wanting to think about Sophie.

  Definitely don’t want to talk about her either.

  “If you don’t talk about shit, you just let it build up and fester inside of you. How healthy is that?”

  “What do you know about healthy relationships?” I throw at him.

  “My parents. They’ve been together over twenty years. They love each other,” he explains. “My dad has never done my mom wrong, and she’s never done him wrong either. They love and support each other.”

  “Then why are you so messed up? Out with a different girl every night, when you’ve got one standing right in front of you, wanting to be with you. Shit, you’ve got two,” I say, thinking of Baylee and Gracie.

  A flicker of emotion shines in Caleb’s eyes, but otherwise, nothing. “I’m not ready to tie myself down yet. That’s nice and all, a forever kind of relationship, but I’m young. And wired differently than the rest of you. I won’t settle down until I’m forty.”

  “Forty.” I snort. “Please.”

  “My problems are not the issue right now,” Caleb says. He points at me. “Yours are. What are you going to do about Hayden?”

  “I don’t know,” I say truthfully. Maybe I should let her approach me first. She’ll tell me she’s not interested in me anymore, and she’s ready to move on. Just like they all do.

  My parents. My first girlfriend. Now Hayden. They’re all the same. They leave me. The only people I can count on are my friends and my teammates. That’s it.

  They’re all that matters.

  Maybe I’m thinking unfairly and I need to give Hayden a chance to explain, but I can’t help it. People leave me. People shit all over me. As I’ve gotten older, I prefer beating them to the punch versus letting them punch me with their rejection.

  It’s easier that way. Does that make me fucked up? Probably.

  But it’s like I can’t help myself.

  “Don’t give her the upper hand,” Caleb says. “That’s what you did to Sophie. You never said a goddamn word so, of course, she ended it. When you knew she was getting ready to leave, you never protested, you never begged her to stay, nothing.”

  “She wasn’t going to stay,” I say dryly. “Her mind was already made up. She wanted to go to that school. Her parents were encouraging her. It was an opportunity she couldn’t pass up. I wasn’t going to stand in her way.”

  “Do you know what she told Hannah before she left?” Caleb asks me. He slaps a hand over his mouth the second the words left him. “I wasn’t supposed to say that.”

  “Now you have to tell me.” I sit up straighter, curiosity filling me. I want to know. I deserve to know.

  Caleb sighs and hangs his head, speaking to the table. “She would’ve tried a long-distance relationship with you. She really wanted to. She was in love with you, but once she told you about the other school, and how she was leaving, she said it was like you shut down completely.”

  It’s true. I did shut down. It’s what I usually do when they leave. What’s the point in acting like I care when they clearly don’t?

  “If you’d shown even a glimmer of caring, she would’ve jumped on it. You two could’ve had a relationship. Long distance, which sucks, but she was totally willing. She loved your sulky ass, and you let her go,” Caleb says.

  “She didn’t love me,” I start, but Caleb shakes his head, and I go silent.

  “She did. She told Hannah that again and again,” he says.

  “Right and Hannah told you?” Most of the time, Hannah thought we all sucked, and she was right. We did.

  Well, I didn’t. I told Jake to go for her. I’m not like these assholes. I don’t need to brag and shout and show off. I just do what I need to do and keep going.

  “Jake told me. He was worried about you. We all were.”

  I send Caleb a scathing look, hating how fucking logical he sounds when, normally, Caleb is anything but. That’s my role. “When did you suddenly get so wise?”

  Caleb laughs. “I’m not wise. Not even close. I just listen. I’m open to what people have to say. I’m not ready to cut them off and ice them out when I think they don’t care anymore. It goes both ways, Tony. I know you’ve got some issues, and I think they’re all tied in to your shitty parents. You want to feel wanted, but the people in your life want to feel wanted by you too.”

  I remain silent, staring at him.

  “Your friends feel the same way. We care about you. Don’t ice me out when I’m saying something to you that you don’t want to hear,” he continues, his voice soft.

  A sigh escapes me. “What do I do about Hayden?”

  And why am I asking Caleb, of all people?

  “Talk to her. Call her out.”

  That’s something I don’t really like to do. “Confront her?”

  “Yeah,” Caleb nods enthusiastically. “See if she denies it. If she does, she’s a fuckin’ snake in the grass.”

  “She won’t deny it.” I know she won’t, not when she had witnesses.

  Plus, I don’t think Hayden would lie to me.

  “Then yeah, confront her, and fight a little. Show her that you care. Don’t let her walk all over you and then walk out on you. Fight for her. Like Diego fought for Jocelyn,” Caleb says.

  “That’s a different situation.” I lean back in my chair, remembering how fucking painful all of that was, and it only just happened. I never want to experience something like that. Witnessing Diego and Jocelyn’s struggle back to each other was difficult. I can’t imagine being the one doing all the struggling. Both of them went through so much.

  Love trumps all though. They fought for each other because they loved each other. They each thought the other was worth the fight, and at different times too. Jocelyn fought for Diego when he had no fight in him, and then Diego brought it and fought hard for Jos and their baby when she’d given up.

  Relationships aren’t even. Someone is always working a little harder than the other, and that’s in everything. Family. Friends. Romantically.

  And that’s the thing. Caleb is…holy shit, I can’t believe I’m thinking this, but…Caleb is right. I’ve never had to struggle for anything. I have all the money I could want. A house, a car, I’m in school, I’m starting on the football team, I do my thing. When people walk out on me, I sweep it under the rug and proceed with my life like it never happened. Even recently, spending time with my dad again, I forgot about all the shit he did to me in the past. I let it go, I got mad at him all over again, and I gave up on continuing a relationship with him. He might’ve moved on from me, but I moved on from him as well. Two wrongs don’t make a right, isn’t that the old saying?

  I let Mom get away with all her shit too. Maybe if I would’ve said something, she’d stuck around more. It’s not all up to me since I’m the kid, but I could say something now. Call her on her shit.

  Not that I want to. I don’t like confrontation.

  There’s my issue. I don’t want to confront Hayden because I’m not one to yell and carry on. I saw enough of that between my parents before they divorced. While they divorced. After they divorced.

  It fucking sucks.

  “I don’t want to fight with her,” I admit, my voice low. “I dealt with enough fighting in my life growing up. My parents went at each other nonstop.”

  “I remember,” Caleb says. “They’d fight at games. They’d fight at school. We all saw it.”

  Humiliating. I’d sort of blocked out that shit, and I can see why. “They were the worst.”

  “Don’t let their terrible relationship control you, bro. Fighting sucks. Arguing sucks. My parents do it all the time,” he says.

  “Wait a minute.” Caleb meets my gaze. “They argue all the time?”

  “Well, not all the time, but they argue a lot. Over small stuff. Big stuff. Mom sa
ys it keeps the passion alive between them. They have a yelling match in the kitchen, one of them gives in and the next thing I know, they’re kissing on each other.” Caleb laughs, shaking his head. “They call it communicating, and I guess it’s the way they communicate. Having an argument with someone you care about doesn’t have to be a big, life ending thing.”

  He shrugs. Like what he keeps on saying isn’t a big deal. But it’s a huge deal.

  “What the fuck, Caleb? Where has this version of you been all our lives?” I stare at him in bewilderment. He’s making so much sense, it’s kind of freaking me out.

  “None of you assholes take me seriously. You think I’m some dumb bro who doesn’t give a shit about anything but girls,” he says.

  “That’s how you act.”

  “I’m deep, motherfucker. Not as deep as Jackson Rivers, but I’ve got layers,” he says, sounding defensive.

  I start to laugh. And it’s like I can’t stop. I should be freaked out and worried about my relationship with Hayden. Those shitty words she said to whoever. But I sort of don’t care right now. I’m too blown away by my friend and what he revealed.

  Like about Sophie.

  My laughter dies, and memories come at me, one after another.

  “I fucked everything up with Sophie, huh?” I say as I stare off into the distance. Regret hits me, and it’s bittersweet. I slowly shake my head.

  “You did,” he agrees without hesitation. “You should reach out to her sometime. Tell her you’re sorry for how it ended. She’d probably like to hear from you.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I comment on her Instagram posts. She’s doing well. I didn’t cut her off like you did,” Caleb says.

  I unfollowed her everywhere. Didn’t want the painful reminder.

  “Don’t do the same thing to Hayden. Me giving you this information, I know what you’d normally do. You’d slowly withdraw, but try and tell everyone it’s okay. You’re okay. You’d pull away from Hayden. Claim you were busy all the time. Act distant when you are together, which will eventually become a rare occurrence. Hold on to all that crap and let it grow and build. Until you can’t take it anymore and you tell her you want out. She’ll agree because you’ve been such an ass, she wants out too. And then it’s over.”