The Freshman

by Monica Murphy

  The way Caleb just mapped everything out…is painfully accurate. Reminds me of what I did to Sophie. Though she’s the one who broke up with me first.

  I glance at my phone to check the time. I have twenty minutes till class starts and I didn’t study for shit. Not like I can concentrate. It’s a full day of classes, and then practice. I won’t be finished till late tonight, and we have a game Saturday. A big one. We’re on our way to playing in a bowl game, which is exciting. A big deal. I want to relish in that. Enjoy it. This could be my only chance. Asher Davis is an excellent QB, and he could be one of the best I’ve ever played with, beyond Jake.

  Maybe Eli can step up, but it’ll take time. I’m on top now. I’m with an elite team. The local news can’t stop talking about us. Sports networks are making predictions. It’s an exciting time, yet I’m having to deal with relationship bullshit.

  It’s so damn tempting to end things with Hayden. Not bother discussing it. Just be done, cut it off, sweep it under the rug, and move on.

  But it’ll hurt. More than it did with Sophie. It’ll be like cutting off a limb. I don’t want the ghost of my relationship with Hayden to haunt me for the rest of my days. I want to fight.

  I need to fight for her.

  For us.

  Twenty-Six

  Hayden

  Late Friday afternoon and I’m sitting in my apartment on the couch, trying to write yet another paper that’s due Monday and thinking about Tony. I still haven’t talked to him since Caleb and Gracie happened upon my saying stupid shit to my father. Not really. Oh, we’ve texted a few times. Things that really meant nothing and one voicemail from him, explaining that he was busy, he missed me, and hoped that he could see me tonight.

  Tonight as in tonight.

  The football team leaves early tomorrow morning to play an away game against San Jose State. That’s only a couple of hours from here, and they didn’t feel the need to leave this afternoon to practice on San Jose’s field in the morning. Makes sense.

  I’m tempted to convince Gracie to go with me to the game so we can show our support, but I’m also really stressed out over what Caleb heard me say, and worried Tony might tell me to go to hell. He’s a fair and reasonable person, but I know he shuts people out if he thinks they’ve fucked with him.

  I know Caleb must’ve gone to Tony and told him what he heard me say. Gracie all but confirmed it, but she’s being mysterious. Said that Caleb handled “everything perfectly.”

  What the hell does that even mean?

  Here’s where I share a little fact about myself: I’m an avoider. My mother used to say that about me all the time. When I was little, if I broke something, I hid it. In the sixth grade, my report card was mailed home and I stashed it in my closet for weeks. I didn’t want my parents to see my shitty grades—my math and science grades were so bad. I had a C and D, respectively. I got caught when my mom overheard me telling my friend on the phone that “no, my parents hadn’t seen my report card yet because I got it out of the mail before they could.”

  Busted.

  So, of course, I don’t want to mention what happened to Tony. I’d rather pretend I never said it at all, and if Caleb and Gracie wouldn’t have walked up at that exact moment, I could’ve done exactly that. My father and Tony won’t compare notes over that conversation. I could’ve gotten away with it.

  Unfortunately, that’s not how it panned out.

  It’s not like it’s any big deal, what I said. I didn’t mean any of it. I told my dad those things to placate him. If anyone would understand, it’s Tony. I’m sure he did the same thing to his father and his wicked stepmother. In fact, I know he did. I’m being dumb right now.

  So dumb.

  What happened to Hayden Channing, independent woman who takes care of herself? Who doesn’t need anyone? Who owns her sexuality? Her relationships? Her life? I tell myself I’m a badass, and sometimes I believe it.

  Right now is not one of those times.

  I hear the front door unlock and glance up just in time to watch Gracie open it and walk into our apartment, stopping short when she sees me.

  “I didn’t think you’d be home yet,” she says.

  “Here I am,” I say, trying to inject some enthusiasm into my voice, but failing miserably.

  Gracie shuts and locks the door, and then joins me on the couch, her expression solemn as she studies me. “Are you all right?”

  A sigh escapes me and I snap my laptop shut, settling it on the coffee table in front of us. “Not really.” I pause. “Why did you let Caleb tell Tony what he heard me say?”

  Gracie’s mouth pops open. “I can’t control him. Even if I told him not to do it, he would anyway. Tony’s one of his best friends.”

  I look away, my stomach churning. I haven’t eaten anything all day, and I know if I do try to eat something, I’d probably want to puke it right back up.

  God, I’m a complete mess.

  “Are you—mad at me about this?” Gracie asks when I haven’t said anything. “Because if you’re mad at anyone, it should be yourself.”

  I turn to her with a roll of my eyes. “Come on, G. I’m not mad at you. I know it’s my fault. And I was talking to my dad, remember? I’ll say anything to appease him. He was giving me so much shit over dating Tony.”

  “Why? I don’t get it.”

  I explain the business rival angle, Helena and Lauri’s friendship, and how their men don’t approve—again because of the business rivalry. How they’re bored, rich housewives and I believe they get a little thrill out of messing around with mine and Tony’s relationship.

  “That’s straight out of reality TV, overblown drama,” Gracie says when I’m finished.

  “Right? Plus, it’s dumb,” I say in agreement. “Who cares if Tony and I are seeing each other?”

  “Well, clearly your dads do.” Gracie’s face brightens. “I do like your suggestion of the two of them merging together, though.”

  “I thought it was a great idea. My father did not.” Another sigh leaves me and I lean my head back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. “I still haven’t really talked to Tony since I ran into you guys yesterday.”

  “Don’t you think you should do that?” Gracie asks gently.

  “Of course. I just don’t know what to say. He left me a voicemail saying he wanted to see me tonight.”

  “You should get together with him. They have an important playoff game tomorrow,” she says.

  “You want to go with me to the game tomorrow? If Tony hasn’t told me to fuck off, I sort of want to go,” I say.

  “Are you going to see your family while you’re over there?” she asks.

  I didn’t even think of that, I’m so focused on Tony. “I don’t want to.”

  “So it’ll be a quick drive over, watch the game, drive home kind of thing?”

  I glance over at her. “Yeah. It will. Does that work for you?”

  Gracie nods, looking pleased. “I didn’t want to stay the night or get caught up in your family’s drama.”

  I grab a throw pillow that’s nearby and bop her gently in the face with hit. She laughs. “You’ve met my family.”

  “Your dad and your sister. I don’t think I met his girlfriend.”

  “Lucky you,” I mutter, annoyed all over again at the meddling those women decided to do in my life.

  I’m twenty years old. I don’t need two grown women trying to maneuver my relationship for me—or sabotage it. I can do it on my own, thank you very much.

  And they weren’t trying to help me, ever. They were trying to break us up.

  I mean, seriously. What the hell?

  “Text your boy,” Gracie encourages. “Ask him to come over.”

  “Really? Aren’t you staying here tonight?”

  She slowly shakes her head. “I’m going to a sorority party. Remember Baylee?”

  Wait a minute…

  “Yes,” I say slowly. “What are you scheming?”

  “Nothing,” G
racie says with a laugh. “I ran into her on campus yesterday. We hung out. Grabbed a coffee. Talked a lot. I like her.”

  “You do not,” I say immediately, making her laugh harder.

  “I do! She’s nice. We don’t really talk about Caleb, because I feel like that’s something we both are trying to avoid.”

  “That’s awkward.”

  “Not really. I feel like I have a lot in common with her. She’s only eighteen like the rest of them, and after spending so much time with her, I feel almost—protective of her. I don’t know. It’s weird.” Gracie’s expression turns thoughtful for a moment, and then she dismisses it with a giant smile. “Anyway, she pledged a sorority, told me they were having a party and asked me to come! She said I could bring a guest, and I would totally bring you, but looks like you’re otherwise occupied.”

  “I would so go but yeah, Tony.” I smile weakly, hoping everything will work out tonight. “I think it’s weird you’re friends with the girl Caleb tried to hook up with a couple of nights ago.”

  “Caleb admitted to me they hooked up off and on a lot in high school,” Gracie confesses.

  Now it’s my turn for my mouth to drop open. “Gracie, what the hell are you doing?”

  “It’s nothing! I want to be her friend.” She grins. “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer?”

  “I didn’t think you were interested in Caleb that way,” I remind her.

  “I don’t know how I feel about Caleb. Or any man, for that matter. They’re all ridiculous.” She waves a dismissive hand. “Did you know Jackson’s performing tonight at Strummers? He’s the lead act.”

  “Get out.” I remember how much I enjoyed his performance last time. “Maybe Tony and I can go in support.”

  “Caleb said he’s going to try—and he invited me to go with him.” She rolls her eyes. “I declined.”

  I’m proud of her. “Did it feel good, telling him no?”

  “It felt amazing.” She leaps to her feet. “I’m going to take a quick shower and get ready.”

  “It’s still so early.”

  “I want to look extra fire tonight,” Gracie says, her smile turning wicked. “I’m in a mood to pick up boys.”

  “Oh God.” I laugh nervously, though deep down, I envy her mood. I wish I felt as carefree as Gracie seems.

  But I have to put on my big girl panties and take care of a few things first.

  A few hours later my doorbell rings. Gracie is long gone, having left early to go to Strummers and watch Jackson with everyone else before she went to the sorority party. I texted Tony, asking him to come over and he agreed readily, which I found reassuring. But I’m also trying to find any sign as positive right now, so maybe I’m overcompensating.

  When I open the door to find him standing there, wearing that leather jacket he had on the last time we went to Strummers, along with a black T-shirt and jeans, my mouth goes dry.

  He is too handsome for words, swear to God.

  “Hey.” He smiles. His dark eyes are warm as he takes me in and I stand there for a moment, soaking up his attention.

  I startle a little when he says, “You going to let me in?”

  A nervous titter leaves me and I step aside, opening the door wider for him to walk in. He enters the apartment and I shut and lock the door, then lean against it, enjoying the view. Trying to calm my racing heart. Buying time as I try and figure out what to say next.

  “You’re being weird,” he says.

  “Caleb told you what he heard me say,” I blurt as Tony speaks at the same time.

  We stare at each other for a moment, and my heart rate kicks up another notch.

  “He did tell me,” he says quietly. “He let me know later that you were talking to your father?”

  I nod, my body still plastered to the door. I’m afraid if I step away from it, I’ll crumple to the ground. “Lauri told him about us.”

  His expression tightens. “Of course she did. She’s been comparing notes with Helena.”

  “And so I was trying to play it off, you know? Like what we have is no big deal.”

  “Right.” He nods. “I get it. I probably would’ve done the same. I sort of did, when I was texting my dad.”

  “Exactly.” Relief trickles through me, but not enough for me to walk away from this door. “I said some shitty stuff, and I’m grateful Caleb went to you and told you.”

  Tony frowns. “Why are you grateful?”

  “That you have friends who care about you enough to tell you the truth, even though they know it might hurt you.” I swallow hard. “I know you don’t have many people in your life who you trust, Tony. Your family lets you down. Your ex let you down. Your circle is small, and I get why. You only let a few people in your inner circle, because you don’t want to get hurt.”

  He nods, not saying anything else.

  Another swallow, this one a little more difficult since my throat is like sandpaper. “You let me in, and now I’m terrified that I ruined everything.”

  He’s still quiet, and oh God, it’s so unnerving. It’s how he copes, the silence, and I get it. It makes people say a lot when he doesn’t have to say anything at all, and I’m guessing that, sometimes, those who are blabbing say things they don’t mean.

  And ruin everything.

  I refuse to say a bunch of nonsense. I can play his silence game too.

  So that’s what I do. I go quiet, waiting for his response.

  “I get why you said what you did,” he murmurs. “When Caleb first told me, I was ready to shut down, and shut you out. It’s easier to think the worst of someone, rather than try and figure out exactly why they did or said something.”

  “Yeah,” I rasp, at a loss of what to say.

  “That’s my usual mode. That’s what I do. I shut people out when I think they’re going to leave me. Caleb called me out on it. Told me I sabotaged my relationship with Sophie last year because I knew she was going to choose going to another school over me, a school that meant everything to her and her future dancing career, so of course she’s going to choose it. Even though I was being completely unfair, and I fucking knew it, I did it anyway. I shut her out, and gave her no choice but to break up with me, because,” he explains, his expression pained. “I’m over her, I swear to God I am, but it also hurts, knowing how I fucked that up, and at the time, I didn’t even see it.”

  My heart slows and softens for him. I hate seeing him in so much pain, and his face is wracked with it. “We all have our coping methods.”

  “Yeah, well mine also sabotage my relationships. I end them before they can hurt me, thinking I come out of it unscathed. But that’s not true. I still end up miserable.” He glances down for a moment, as if he can’t face me. “And that’s what I wanted to do with you. End it before you did any more damage to me,” he admits.

  “Do you—still feel that way?” I ask hesitantly, petrified of his answer.

  Lifting his head, he comes to me, his approach slow. Methodical. Until he’s standing directly in front of me, his body lightly pressed against mine, his warm, minty breath wafting across my face. That minty smell fills me with hope. Tells me he cared about his breath and planned on kissing me.

  I sort of want to laugh at myself, but I don’t.

  “No,” he says, his gaze locking with mine when I tilt my head up to look at him. “I don’t. It doesn’t matter what our parents say. Let Helena alienate me from my father. Let her take over the business and leave me out of it. I don’t give a fuck.”

  I want to reach out and touch him so badly, but I keep my hands braced against the door. “I told my father he should get together with yours and merge their businesses. Become a powerhouse together.”

  Tony cracks a smile, and my heart starts racing again. For a different reason this time. “I love it.”

  “He didn’t think it was a good idea.”

  “I’m sure he didn’t.” He reaches for me. Tugs on the ends of my hair, skims his fingers down the length of my
arm. I shiver at his touch, my lids lowering and I tilt my face up in an unspoken gesture.

  Kiss me.

  He doesn’t answer in the way I want, but he doesn’t stop touching me either, so that’s promising.

  “I’m sorry for what I said,” I whisper. “I’m sorry you had to hear it from someone else.”

  “I forgive you,” he says, pressing his body more firmly against mine. “Caleb gave me good advice.”

  I blink up at him. “Excuse me? Caleb?”

  He nods. Chuckles. “Can you believe it? He was so fucking logical, it was almost scary.”

  Giving in, I rest my hands on his warm chest, the T-shirt fabric soft beneath my fingertips. “I can’t believe it.”

  “I couldn’t either, but it’s true. He helped me see the light.” His expression turns serious. “He told me I should fight for you. Argue with you for a little bit. Show you that I care.”

  “I thought you didn’t like to argue.” It was one of things we agreed on, during a late-night talk while wrapped up in each other in his bed.

  “I don’t. But he reminded me the best things are always worth fighting for.” He cups my cheek. Tilts my head back and leans in.

  And presses his lips to mine.

  I melt against him, our mouths opening, tongues tangling. Our lips connect. Break apart. Connect again. The sound amplified in the quiet stillness of my apartment. He wraps his arm around my waist, hauling my lower body against his and I can feel his erection.

  It’s so good, I almost want to cry. And I never want to cry.

  Like, ever.

  “I like you,” I murmur against his lips at one point during the endless kiss we’re sharing. “I like you a lot.”

  I can feel his full lips curve into a smile. “I like you too.”

  “Can I admit something?” I run my hands up his chest, circling my arms around his neck, so I can bury my fingers in his hair.