My Cat Has Died, What Do I Do

by Wendy Van de Poll

  Element 3—Spend Time with Your Memories

  Spend time with your memories. Look at photos, write down special moments, and reflect on the intense love that you shared with your furry friend. By doing this, you can calm your raging emotions and begin to develop a different kind of relationship with your cat, one which we will talk about more in chapters 12, 13, and 15.

  Element 4—Know Your Grief Feelings

  Also, it is important to be familiar with your unique grief feelings. Everyone grieves differently, so get to know your own grief. Your feelings are going to be with you every single day. When I help my clients understand their grief, it becomes less of a burden or something to fear. You are going to be spending a lot of time with your feelings over the next few days, months, and even years, so it is important that you come to know those feelings and not fear them.

  Spend some time responding to the three Contemplation Questions at the end of this chapter. These questions will help guide you to recognize your own unique feelings of normal pet grief that you are experiencing.

  Chapter Wrap-Up

  Losing your cherished cat is extremely difficult. Your cat was your constant companion. You both loved each other unconditionally.

  The first twenty-four hours (more on this in chapter 5) is one of the most difficult transitions to experience.

  Try to understand your unique feelings of grief and spend time just being in the moment by breathing and preparing yourself for the journey to come. Revisit the four elements I’ve given you in this chapter and begin to internalize and act upon them. Respond to the chapter’s Contemplation Questions to help you manage your normal, but uncomfortable, feelings of grief.

  In chapter 2, I am going to teach you the seven stages of grief that you may or may not experience in full. With each of these stages, I am going to give you examples of what you can expect from yourself as well as from other people.

  Chapter 1 Contemplation Questions

  What feelings of grief do you have now?

  How are you dealing with these feelings? Can you make a list of your feelings, arranging them from the most intense feelings first, down to the least charged?

  If you have any abnormal feelings of grief, write down your healthcare practitioner’s contact information and have it readily available.

  Chapter 2—Identifying Your Stages of Grief and Loss

  As I shared in the first chapter, grief has a life of its own. If you are feeling sad, angry, or like your heart is raw with pain—please understand that this is absolutely okay.

  We all experience these feelings in different ways and at different times. By remembering that your grief is unique and special to the relationship that you had with your treasured cat, you can be ready with less confusion or difficulty for your future stages of grief.

  Keep in mind there is more to your journey of coping than the fact that your cat is no longer physically in your life.

  Pet loss grief actually has seven identifiable stages. By understanding these seven stages of grief, your disordered emotions and possible shock about what you are now faced with can change, so you can hopefully feel less stress as you move through these stages.

  Learning which stage of pet loss grief you are experiencing is extremely helpful to your coping and healing journey. You can gain compassion and respect for your own process, both of which are vital to finding joy after suffering so much intense grief from your loss.

  Living without your cat is ridiculously difficult. The shock, horror, and unrelenting pain can easily inhibit you from taking care of yourself. By exploring the stages of grief, you can begin to learn self-compassion and gain a needed understanding of your journey.

  No matter what you are experiencing after the death of your cat, one of the most important things to remember is to cherish the life you had with them. The memories you have are beautiful, and the stages of grief that you are experiencing will only have a positive effect on your continued spiritual relationship with your cat.

  The grief that you are feeling right now is perfect, so please be kind to yourself and not expect anything more or anything less. It is there, and it’s not going to go away. Yet, it will change as time progresses.

  The Seven Stages of Grief

  It is extremely helpful to know not only what normal grief is but also what the normal stages of grief are.

  Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a pioneer in the hospice movement. While she wasn’t a pet grief person, what she discovered can be applied to the journey of pet grief.

  In 1969, in her book On Death and Dying, Dr. Kubler-Ross made the five steps of grief and/or death well-known. The following five steps cover the stages of grieving for the death of a loved one:

  Denial

  Anger

  Bargaining

  Depression

  Acceptance

  These five stages became very popular and are recognized widely, mostly as they apply to the dying process. However, people working in this field began to expand on Kubler-Ross’s various philosophies and standards. Currently, there are seven stages of grief:

  Shock and Denial

  Pain and Guilt

  Anger and Bargaining

  Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness

  Adjustment to Life

  Your New Normal

  Acceptance and Hope

  Over the years my clients had told me that this information is valuable and helps prepare them every day to live more fully and have hope for the future.

  Keep in mind that since your journey is yours, you may not experience all of these stages as your daily pet loss progresses. Yet you may. Whatever you experience is normal, so be compassionate with yourself for what you are going through. Never compare your experience to someone else’s.

  Case Study—Melissa, Ra, and the Seven Stages

  Melissa, a client of mine, experienced all seven stages of grief. She and I started working together twelve months after Ra died. When Melissa recalled her feelings and actions through our conversations, she felt much better and more in control of what she had experienced and was currently experiencing.

  Even still, Melissa was confused and worried because she continued to break down in tears whenever she thought of getting another cat. Her best friend was telling her that twelve months was too long to still be feeling sad and that she should be over it by now (the length of the grieving period is something we’ll address in chapter 5).

  Stage One: Shock and Denial

  As we worked together, Melissa began to understand why she felt the unshakable feelings of trauma and not believing that Ra had died. Melissa recalled that during the first 24 hours of being alone without Ra, she felt totally in shock and nauseous. She remembered checking under the bed countless times throughout the night.

  Melissa was distressed, upset, and in denial that Ra wasn’t with her any longer, even twelve months later. She said to me during one of our calls, “This did not happen, and I know Ra will come back to me.”

  Stage Two: Pain and Guilt

  Melissa was feeling intense torment and sorrow, so much so that she suffered from headaches since Ra had died. I assured her that her feelings were common and in accordance with the second stage of grief.

  When this information started to settle in and become more accepted, Melissa understood her feelings better. When she began to forgive herself for any guilt she had, her headaches started to go away.

  Stage Three: Anger and Bargaining

  When Melissa got angry, she was insistent on blaming herself and her spiritual deities. She told me when we began working together that at times she still bargained with them and asked them to give her directions on to bring Ra back, alive.

  Melissa told me she went through a stage where she was furious. Melissa explained, “My anger was so intense that I had myself believing that I could bring Ra back to life by bargaining and convincing my guides that it was possible. When you helped me realize that others experience this and it is common, I didn’t feel s
o weird about my anger and expectations.”

  Stage Four: Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness

  When Melissa and I started to work together, she was beginning to understand that anger and bargaining were part of the journey. Plus, she was also experiencing some depression and loneliness.

  Whenever she started to think about Ra and the times that they had had together, she felt sad and very lonely. She told me, “Everyone around me keeps saying that I am grieving long enough. I don’t have anyone that I can talk to. I feel like I have to do this alone.”

  As we continued to work together, Melissa began to understand that her feelings of loneliness were part of the grief process, especially when she reflected on the past. After she understood that her reflections triggered loneliness, she was able to experience her feelings in a different way.

  She even shared with me, “I am so glad I can give myself permission every day to not be afraid to think about Ra. Now that I understand that my feelings are normal, I am able to reflect on the times Ra and I spent on the bed snuggling. This memory now fills my heart with joy.”

  Stage Five: Adjustment to Life

  Once Melissa began to understand the stages of grief, she began to experience her life in a different way. She started to allow herself to feel happy, and she even began to explore the idea of adopting another cat (more on this point in chapter 10).

  She confided one day, “Wendy, I have felt so many crazy and uncomfortable things during the past year. Oh my goodness, it is hard to believe that I can actually think of Ra now and have joy back in my heart when I think of him. I am now ready to move on, but I don’t want to disrespect my bond with Ra. How do I do that?”

  This was a great place for Melissa to be in her grief journey, and she poses a question that most of my clients also ask. Throughout this book, we will be talking about adjusting to a new life in more detail. Yet for now, keep in mind that this period is about integrating these changes into your daily life to help you rescue your joy and not forget or disrespect your cat.

  I have recorded a Healing Cat Loss Meditation to help you navigate through your emotions, decisions, and healing while on the pet loss journey. You can download your free mp3 at the beginning of this book.This meditation will help you adjust to your new life too.

  Stage Six: Your New Normal

  As Melissa adjusted to her life and the changes of not having Ra present, she began to not be concerned about what other people thought of her grief. Also she began to look for another cat. She adjusted to the myriad changes in her new life and recognized that her heart was ready to open to another cat. She knew that by getting another cat, she wasn’t being disrespectful to Ra and that Ra still held a very special place in her soul.

  Melissa started to work at her local humane society as a volunteer in a special program that helped cats that were difficult to place for adoption. She loved her new volunteer position and six months later adopted a cat that she was able to help.

  Stage Seven: Acceptance and Hope

  When Melissa began to experience the last stage of pet grief, she was ready to move forward with an entirely different attitude. She accepted the fact that Ra had died.

  Melissa found her new normal and had a plan of action on how she was going to share her life with her new cat—the food, the doctors, the new activities. Now she could live every day with joy, hope, and a desire to do the best she could with her new cat.

  This was the stage when she became more aware and accepted her grief stages. She was confident that she could provide everything that her new cat needed. It was easier to make decisions through whatever stage of grief she was experiencing.

  Did Melissa forget Ra at this stage? No, she did not! She was able to recognize that death is something that we cannot avoid. And that death does allow for new life and love.

  Chapter Wrap-Up

  These stages are references to guide you on how you can process your particular pet loss grief. Melissa experienced all the stages. By no means do you need to experience them all as Melissa did or even move through the stages in the given order.

  Use the three Contemplation Questions at the end of this chapter to help guide you through your unique stages of grief.

  Again, please remember that you are not alone in your grief journey. There are others that are experiencing the same thing as you.

  In the next chapter, I am going to teach you about the myths that surround pet grief and how these myths can hold you back from healing your grief. I am also going to show you how you can turn these myths around so that they can help you with your journey.

  Chapter 2 Contemplation Questions

  What are the stages of grief that you have experienced? Are you experiencing them in the presented sequence?

  What have you learned about your unique journey through each of these stages? How is it helpful to know what stages you are experiencing?

  Wendy helps her clients know and understand the seven stages of pet grief early in their journeys. Her clients find that by knowing this valuable information early on, rather than later, they are better prepared for the future. In what ways do you predict that knowing this information now will help you better prepare for the future?

  Chapter 3—Discerning the Pet Loss Myths

  Now that you have an understanding of what constitutes normal grief (chapter 1) and have explored the seven stages of grief (chapter 2), we are going to visit the multitude of myths that come along with pet grief after your cat dies.

  It is important to consider these myths on your healing journey. We have many pre-conceived ideas as to what death is about and how we “should” react to it or dread it. No matter where you are with your beliefs, it is important to approach these myths with an openness and willingness to heal.

  To introduce the myths, let’s explore the experience of Sandi, a client whom I supported in her grief journey after the loss of her beloved calico, Foxtail.

  Myth Confrontation: Sandi and Foxtail

  My client Sandi, on our third call, was destroyed when her co-worker said to her one day, “How can you still be sad about your cat? Cats don’t care about people, they are so independent. It’s not like Foxtail was waiting by the door for you when you got home from work each day. You can get a better cat. I’ll help you pick one out.”

  Initially in sharing this story, Sandi was beyond shocked and hurt. “How could my co-worker say this to me? She knew I was in pain.” Sandi started to question herself and was even thinking that her co-worker was right. Then suddenly, as she was explaining this to me, she started to laugh. She was horrified that she had been laughing, which made her begin to cry. She told me that when she thought of this conversation, it oftentimes made her feel so sad, which then, strangely to her, led to a laughing spell! She felt horrible and confused about the laughter. She felt disrespectful to Foxtail.

  My response—”Sandi, that’s just a grief myth. Don’t you believe it. You are going to live out a variety of emotions, and laughter is just one that you are going to experience on your grief journey.”

  With my guidance, Sandi permitted herself to have a range of feelings, including laughter, and she continued to understand how unhealthy it was to disrespect her emotions. She allowed the laughter and the tears to come. In doing so, she felt relief. She was able to breathe and understand that laughing was another way to express her grief. She felt as if a heavy weight had been lifted from her heart.

  In debunking the “no joy during grieving” myth, Sandi finished her session feeling a lot stronger on her journey. She had renewed confidence that she could heal her pain with more clarity and understanding.

  Myths about grieving, like the one Sandi voiced, have been around for a long time, and they can either really help you with your grief or be a hindrance to your healing process. The key to making these myths help you is to be aware of them, know how you feel about them, and then debunk them.

  The Myths

  1. It is selfish and extravagant to mourn
and grieve the death of a cat when our world has so much human suffering.

  Debunking—You are a cat-lover, and you understand how important your cat was to you. The grief surrounding the fact that your cherished cat died is significant and important to you.

  People are capable of simultaneously grieving both animals and humans. One doesn’t detract from the other. Grief, as well as love, isn’t “either/or”; it is “both/and.” By grieving and mourning your cat, you are showing tremendous compassion for the world at large. That is a wonderful trait to have. Realizing that your heart is capable of such love will give you a tremendous amount of strength to heal—and to love again, both animals and people.

  2. I must follow the seven stages of grief in their exact order so that I can truly heal my pain.

  Debunking—Grief is not about following a prescribed list. Grief is tenacious and can really dig into your heart, which can affect your daily routine and then render you hopeless.

  The last thing that you need to be worried about is following the seven stages of grief in a precise order. Although the stages of grief are extremely valuable, the order in which you experience them is up to you. Let the stages unfold naturally.

  3. There is a right and wrong way to grieve.

  Debunking—As with following the seven stages of grief in chronological order, the same is true about your unique grief experience—meaning there is not a single correct experience.

  Your relationship with your cat was special. No two people grieve the same way. While one person may feel sadness, another person may feel anger about their cat dying. Your grief journey is yours and very unique—stick with that!

  Grieving is very personal and individual to your experiences with your cat. It depends on your personality, the personality of your cat, the nature of their illness (if they had one) or death, and your coping style.