My Cat Has Died, What Do I Do

by Wendy Van de Poll

  4. The best thing to do is to grieve and mourn alone, especially because it is just a cat.

  Debunking—We have been taught that in order to be strong and independent we should not share our grief. It would burden others, and it is inappropriate to let other people know how we are feeling.

  That simply isn’t true. In fact, it is important to reach out to others who will honestly support you and not judge your process. You will want to protect yourself from being judged for loving, grieving, and mourning the death of your cat, so it is important that you select carefully the people whom you reach out to. Your experience of loss and grief is a tender time to be fully cherished by you and in the way you decide.

  Take your time choosing whom you turn to for support because some people don’t understand or take pet loss seriously. Find a support group, pet loss coach, and/or friend that will allow you to talk about your grief without making you feel crazy or weird. We address this more in chapter 6.

  Also, remember, if there ever comes a time when you can no longer function in life, please see the appropriate healthcare provider.

  5. I have to be “strong” in my grief.

  Debunking—In general our society teaches that grief feelings can be a sign of weakness, especially in regard to animals.

  Feeling sad, frightened, lonely, or depressed are all normal reactions. Crying doesn’t mean that you are weak. In fact, it takes strength to accept and engage with these difficult emotions and to cry.

  Let yourself feel those emotions, physical sensations, and spiritual challenges that you are going through. There is a reason you are having these feelings. Plus, there is no reason why you need to feel that you have to “protect” your family or friends by being (supposedly) strong.

  Showing your feelings will help you and may even help them. By showing your feelings, you are also debunking the first myth about pet loss grief being selfish. When you show your feelings, you are saying, “I have compassion for living beings.” And that, my friend, is extremely beautiful!

  6. Grief will go away someday.

  Debunking—Never! And that is okay. Our grief changes as each day goes by. You will never forget your cat, yet your feelings of grief will change, and there will be a time when you will feel joy again.

  Never feel like you have to rush through your grief journey. It takes time. Patience and not judging yourself come in handy when you are experiencing the stages of grief.

  Your goal for healing your pet loss is not to “get over it.” We never stop feeling grief for losing a pet. But we learn to move forward in life again with fond memories.

  7. No one gets my pet grief, and I am alone in what I am experiencing.

  Debunking—You are never alone with the grief that you are going through. It may feel like that at times because some people don’t know what it feels like to lose the companionship of their cat. They just don’t understand what you are going through.

  People (even cat-lovers) will say unsupportive things, like “There are so many cats that need homes. See this as an opportunity!” or “At least it wasn’t a child.” Even still, there are many, many people who do know the grief you are experiencing. It just may take some time to find the right people to support you in a healthy way. There are supportive friends, end-of-life and grief coaches, and pet loss support groups to walk the journey with you. We will talk about this more in chapter 6.

  Remember—you are not alone with your pet loss grief.

  8. Pet loss grief will go away.

  Debunking—Many of my clients call me when they have just gotten the news that their cats died. Some even call me years later. They feel a tremendous amount of grief and just want it to go away.

  It takes work to heal pet loss grief. Feel comfortable and take your time. Be an active participant so that you can experience the stages of grief.

  Your cat was really special to you. It is really important to let your emotions happen and to experience them. If you feel like the feelings will go away on their own, you are only stuffing them in. The grief will still change, but it may take longer, and you may not learn the powerful lessons of grief.

  And as many of my clients say, “Grief has a great talent of surprising you when you least expect it.” So it is better to actively acknowledge, process, and experience it than to stuff it down only for it to pop up at surprising times and in unwelcoming forms.

  9. Once I do all the grief work, it will go away.

  Debunking—Once you do all the work in your grieving process, remember that grief can come up again. It is not uncommon to have deep feelings of grief appear again, even years later. It is normal for this to happen.

  Grief never goes away, and that is okay. Many of my clients report that when their grief shows up after a few months or years, they are happy about it because it gives them a chance to say, “I love you,” to their cats again.

  For now, if you just lost your cat or are just beginning to work on your grief, tuck this thought in a special place, so you know what to expect later.

  10. Having a feeling of joy at moments in my life soon after my cat has died is not good.

  Debunking—Here is the thing—your companion has died. Your cat was maybe very sick, elderly, or suffered a traumatic death.

  The last thing that you probably think you are allowed to feel is joyful or happy. In fact, you probably are feeling many emotions from this news. All your emotions are valid and okay to feel.

  It is okay to experience moments of joy, even when you are grieving about your cat’s death. It is healthy and doesn’t mean you are forgetting your cat’s situation or disrespecting your cat.

  Joy and laughter are normal responses. This is your body giving you a breather from the stress, pain, anxiety, etc. It is a survival mechanism that you do not need to fear. Joy is first aid for the soul.

  11. It is horrible to feel happy or relieved that my cat died.

  Debunking—If you had a cat that was suffering, there may be a little place in your mind that felt relief once they died.

  If this is so, when the time has come and your cat has reached the end of their life, you may feel relieved and even slightly glad. This is a very common feeling for my clients that suffered the pain and angst of losing their cats to terminal illnesses.

  When your cat is in pain and suffering every day, it can take a lot out of you, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It breaks your heart and can leave you feeling hopeless and helpless. At your cat’s death, feeling slightly glad and even relieved are also very normal feelings of grief. Keep in mind that these are not due to selfishness, but simply relief that your cat is no longer suffering in the physical world.

  The Other Side of the Myths: Grace and Compassion

  These myths are very common, and many people think they are true. These myths, in conjunction with the inappropriate comments that people make (more on these in chapter 4), can easily trigger your grief. If you are not aware of the myths, you may become confused as to why suddenly you are feeling sad or very angry.

  Even though they may be well-meaning friends, family, or co-workers, when one of them offers you a myth as a so-called “word of wisdom,” it can pack a powerful punch to trigger your pet loss grief. However, once you become aware of these myths and why they are not true, you will be able to react to them with grace and compassion for yourself and your beloved companion.

  Here is the thing about believing these myths and letting them affect you—I have seen in my practice that when folks believe and live by these myths, they get stuck in their grief and have a difficult time gaining personal peace.

  When they learn to take these myths, debunk them, and replace them with positive thoughts and actions, they are able to spend more time loving their cats that have died, rather than being stressed-out with unknown anxiety or other feelings of grief that they may be experiencing.

  Please revisit these myths and the debunking of them. They will help you be prepared for the multitude of thoughts and feeli
ngs that you will have and the comments people will make.

  Use the chapter’s three Contemplation Questions to help you to identify and then debunk any myths that you may encounter on your journey.

  Chapter Wrap-Up

  Myths about pet loss grief can be roadblocks to moving forward with meaning and purpose in regard to the bond you have with your cherished cat.

  The way to remove the roadblocks and make the myths work for you is to be aware of them, debunk them, and then replace them with something positive.

  To repeat, always remember—you are not alone in your grief journey. There are others that are experiencing the same thing as you. Find those people and spend time with them.

  In chapter 4, I am going to help you prepare for the insensitive things that people will say to you and how these statements can trigger your grief unexpectedly. I am also going to show you how to be aware of these statements before they happen, so you can prepare yourself and won’t be totally thrown if you encounter them.

  Chapter 3 Contemplation Questions

  Since your cat is no longer physically with you, have you experienced any myths given in this chapter? If so, reflect on that experience.

  Now that you have encountered several of the common myths surrounding pet loss grief, add other myths that you may be experiencing. Can you debunk them and pull something positive out of them?

  Notice which myths you relate to. Write them down and then rewrite them in a positive way. Post them in a prominent place so that frequently you can be reminded what is really true.

  Chapter 4—Managing Inappropriate Comments

  When a family member, co-worker, stranger you meet at the store, or even your best friend tries to reassure you by commenting, “I can’t believe you are still talking about your cat . . . What was its name anyway? . . . Time to get over it—don’t you think?” you may immediately feel surprised and hurt, thinking, “What did I just hear and how do I react?”

  You may find that you start to feel different sensations in your body, and you may even feel a little off-center physically. Quite abruptly, you may feel enormously sad. Like your well-being totally changed. You may start to feel uncomfortable, yet you don’t know what to do. Should you just smile and say, “Thank you,” or should you politely turn away and go about your business?

  The first thing to come to terms with is that people are going to say hurtful things like this to you. People want to be helpful, so they’ll say these things that they think are helpful and well-meaning. However, in reality their words about your beloved companion’s death are totally off the mark and very unsupportive, so much so that they can trigger an unexpected feeling or reaction. I will warn you, most of the time you will feel unprepared for these unsupportive statements.

  What is happening when people say these unintentionally unsupportive things is that they are inadvertently fueling and activating your grief. You become sad, depressed, angry, or confused, and you are not sure why, all of a sudden, you are feeling this way. You likely become confused as to how to handle these people and even wonder if you should continue being friends.

  Let me repeat—it is normal for people to say unsupportive, yet what they think are well-meaning, things to someone who has lost a cat. And it is also customary for you to have the uncomfortable and confusing reactions that you are having.

  Now here is the thing—as a society we have gotten very distant from the dying process. We view it as something to be afraid of, and we may even want to avoid it. As people, the more we accept death and allow our grief to happen in a safe environment, then the healthier this process will be.

  Remember—your confused and heightened reaction to the person’s statement is common, and it is important to not believe or internalize what they have said.

  I am going to teach you in this chapter how you can use what you’ve learned about grief itself (from chapter 1) and the stages of grief (from chapter 2), so you can handle the situation with compassion, respect, and grace.

  Case Study—Jannie and White Paws

  Jannie, whose cat White Paws died from throat cancer, told me during one of her sessions that after she’d told her cousin about her experience of losing White Paws, her cousin started to make excuses about being too busy to meet for coffee.

  Jannie felt very sad about this because she liked her cousin and she knew her cousin was avoiding her. Jannie explained, “My cat just died, my cousin and I are very close, and she never made excuses before. Now she is avoiding me and has said some really hurtful things.”

  You can expect this to happen to you. Because, as with Jannie’s experience, people fear and like to avoid the topic of death, so some will evade dealing with it—no matter what. As a society we aren’t versed in how to go about supporting each other in a healthy way when someone is experiencing grief of any kind.

  When Jannie became aware of the unsupportive things her cousin and others were saying, she prepared herself on how she was going to react. The beautiful result of this was she found that her support team suddenly grew and she had new friends that truly understood and supported her.

  Your Reaction

  Right now I want to share how you can be prepared for the hurtful things that people will say to you.

  I promise you are going to hear them every day, not from everyone, but you will hear them from people that you thought understood what you are going through—just like what happened with Jannie.

  This is a huge part of your journey when dealing with your cat’s death. Be ready, be prepared, and take control of these situations, so you know that what you are feeling is okay and normal.

  Here are a few of the many things people typically say that my clients have experienced. (At the end of this chapter, you will have the opportunity to list some of your own.)

  Hurtful Things That People Say

  1. It’s only a cat . . . You can get another.

  As a cat parent, you know that the relationship that you had with your dear cat was unique to the both of you. No one else had the relationship that you two did.

  When someone says to you, “It’s only a cat and you can get another,” this is the time for you to respond, “Thank you,” and make your exit. To engage and try to educate this person only takes time and can be extremely exhausting. It is your sole job when experiencing grief to not exert your emotional and physical energies on those that do not understand.

  2. I am so sorry to hear that.

  This one is a big one and the most popular thing to say when we get the news that someone’s cat died. The fact is that it is not that person’s fault that your cat reached the end of their life.

  I know it may be a moot point, but a kinder, more supportive, and compassionate way to respond to this type of news is “I am so sad to hear that your cat died. Would you like me to listen to what you are feeling?” This type of comment will give you a safe place to express your grief rather than feeling like you have to take care of the other person’s sadness or have to protect yourself from feeling even more grief.

  The way you can react to the “I am sorry” response is NOT to thank them. Because, remember, it is not your job to take care of someone else. Silence, a small smile, followed by a gentle head nod is all that is needed. If they persist, you can politely excuse yourself.

  3. You are still grieving?

  “You are still grieving?” is a very insensitive question to pose to someone that is feeling sad or depressed that their cat died. It suggests that there should be a time limit on the grief process and that you’ve taken it too far.

  Prepare yourself by falling back on what you’ve learned about grief thus far in the book—grieving doesn’t just go away, and it does not have a timetable. Remember, take as much time as is necessary with your grieving.

  This question oftentimes helps people know who their real support team is. If you hear this question, you can politely respond, “Yes, I am,” and then make your exit. You really don’t want to waste your time with people tha
t just don’t get it.

  4. Let me tell you what I did after my cat died . . .

  This is another tough one. Although it may seem supportive, it can also be overwhelming and create feelings of guilt. Your cat may have just died or you are six months into your grief journey. You may be trying to figure out where all the pieces of the puzzle go in your new situation. Opening yourself up to a ton of advice at this time could be helpful, but it could also increase your feelings of anxiety, guilt, hopelessness, and being overwhelmed.

  You can pick and choose what advice you want to listen to. We will explore this in more detail later in this book by offering ways for you to make decisions based on your own terms, beliefs, and experiences.

  However, right now, a good way to respond to this fourth comment is “I appreciate your thoughts of concern, but I really just need to process my feelings at this time.”

  Please use the three Contemplation Questions at the end of this chapter to guide you to become aware of and prepare your reaction to these kinds of statements.

  Your Support Team

  You are the expert when it comes to your grief journey after your cat is no longer physically in your life. Your grief journey is unique, and no two people deal the same way with losing a cat to a life-threatening illness, age, or traumatic accident.

  The important thing to remember is to choose the people that you interact with wisely during this special time. Choose those that truly support you, listen, don’t judge you, and only give you advice when you ask them.

  That type of support is available to you. You don’t need to feel alone and go through this journey without support and compassion.

  When you find these people, consider them friends to help you never have to walk the journey of pet loss grief alone again. In chapter 6, we will talk about ways in which you can get support.

  Chapter Wrap-Up

  This chapter is aimed at helping you become aware of the unsupportive things that people are going to say to you while you are coping with pet loss. This is common—and it is also understandable that their words will trigger grief in you.