My Cat Has Died, What Do I Do

by Wendy Van de Poll

  The key to responding to such statements with compassion and grace is to prepare yourself and to entrench yourself in the truth about grief (chapter 1) and its seven stages (chapter 2). You will use this chapter’s Contemplation Questions to help you to become aware of and prepare your reaction to these statements.

  Also, you may want to actively find one, two, or more people who will serve as your “support team,” listening to you and allowing you to live out your grief as it naturally happens.

  In chapter 5, I am going to share with you ways that our society puts high demands on our emotions and how we process them. It is not considered a positive thing when we take time out of our fast-paced lives to mourn our losses. Instead, we are encouraged to get over them fast and not take the appropriate time to heal. You will gain an understanding on how to break through those demands so that you are able to grieve and pay tribute to your memories.

  Chapter 4 Contemplation Questions

  Which “Hurtful Things That People Say” comments have you heard? Have you received other comments that triggered your grief? If so, write them down.

  How did you respond to the statements that you listed above, and how did you support yourself and/or take control of the situation?

  List the names of the people that you are comfortable with and how they are supporting you. Do you seek them out on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis?

  Chapter 5—Understanding the Future

  After your cat dies, many changes are going to happen to you besides your personal grief journey. Your life is going to change and things are going to be different now that your companion is no longer with you.

  You are going to be faced with needing to make some important decisions about burial, cremation, or when it is appropriate to get another cat. You are also going to be challenged to be mindful of your own health as you navigate your changed life.

  As mentioned already, it is essential and important to take all the time that you need for your grieving and then to know what to expect during this process in order to heal your pet loss.

  We live in a society that has high demands on our emotions and how we process them. It is not considered a positive act when we take time out of our fast-paced lives to experience and mourn our losses. Instead, we are encouraged to get over them fast and not take the appropriate time to heal.

  Because of societal norms, we often become impatient with our grieving and healing, and have forgotten that quality takes time. When your cat dies and you are experiencing grief, it just cannot be rushed and expected of you to get on with your life.

  As you learned in chapters 1 and 2, grief is normal and has a life of its own, and it is perfectly common to feel the way you do. From the myths and unsupportive comments others may make, you also learned that grief is feared by our society.

  Since our society is very fast-paced, we are expected to move through our feelings without much notice and get back to being productive right away. We are rushed to return to work and encouraged to stop crying and to get over loss in lightning-speed time. There’s an entire list of additional expectations that can be nearly impossible when facing grief.

  Yet, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we would slow down and allow our emotions to heal on their own terms?

  Case Study—Maggie and Fred

  My client Maggie had a cat named Fred who wandered off one day. She searched for him daily but couldn’t find him. Then one week after his disappearance she was running in the park and found some of his fur. The feelings of grief that Maggie expressed were heart-wrenching and traumatic.

  When Maggie first called me, she was extremely horrified and was feeling so guilty that Fred had escaped (he wasn’t an outdoor cat). She didn’t know what to do with her overwhelming feelings of grief. She divulged, “I can’t believe I was so irresponsible and left the door unlocked. I was in such a hurry to get to an appointment that I forgot to make sure the latch was closed. I will never get over this feeling of grief, remorse, and pain—but I want to—and fast.”

  During our sessions, I helped Maggie realize that her situation could not be rushed. Feeling and expecting to get over it quickly was not a healthy way of dealing with her grief. Her life with Fred was very special, and to expect that she rush herself was an unfair expectation.

  Instead, I encouraged Maggie to face her grief and emotions—to engage with them. And if she did the work that it takes to be present in her stages of grief and mourning, her grief experience would become less raw. In my practice, I encourage clients to take the time that they need to heal.

  While there is no timetable for getting over grief, as you already learned in chapter 2, there are different stages in the grief journey. Some are more difficult than others, and that difficulty is unique to the relationship that you had with your cat.

  However, just like the different stages, keep in mind in the days, weeks, months, and even years after your loss that time will be one of your greatest healers and is on your side a hundred percent. Even though you may feel that you cannot survive another day because the grief is so overwhelming, you can and you will.

  The First Days and Weeks After

  Here is what you may experience during the first few days and weeks after your cat dies:

  My clients often feel numb during the first few days and weeks. There are so many changes during this time, and it takes some getting used to when you suddenly do not have to take care of your buddy and your home is more silent and much less active. Life becomes a blur.

  It can also be draining and painful. Your grief demands attention, and the newness of your loss starts to settle in.

  The void that you are probably feeling is beyond huge, and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to fill such emptiness. This numbness is part of normal grief that we talked about in chapter 1, yet you might be feeling other emotions as well.

  One of these is denial, which is huge and very common during this time. You may be feeling that it was a bad dream or some mistake or maybe your cat is just outside, enjoying the sunshine, and will be coming in shortly for dinner.

  This denial can even be stronger if their death was sudden or accidental. Many times it lasts longer than it does when you lose a cat to illness or old age.

  Anger and intense frustration are common emotions during this early time period and can easily continue for years.

  My client Maggie was deeply irritated and upset with herself that she didn’t check the door before she left her home. If she had, then Fred would still be alive. She was aggravated at herself also because she hadn’t been able to find Fred before he died.

  One of the best things that you can do during this time is “nothing.” Seriously. You do not need to clean the house, rake the lawn, do errands, or go to the movies with friends if you do not want to. However, if any of these activities will help you feel better, then by all means, do them.

  It is truly not the time to go deep with trying to process your grief.

  It is often very helpful to relax and give yourself permission to feel your loss. It is also a time to be sure that you are eating healthy and doing something that is nurturing for yourself, like spending time in nature or getting a massage (more in chapter 6).

  Three Months After

  It takes about three months for your grief to intensify, and in my experience, the three-month time period is extremely painful and challenging.

  Your shock, denial, and disbelief are starting to wear off, and you are beginning to understand the reality of the death of your beloved companion.

  It can also be a time when your friends, family, and co-workers have moved on, themselves, so they are encouraging you now to move on too. This can add to the intensity of grief because you may start wondering what is wrong with you.

  Having a pet loss grief coach or pet loss support team can be really important for you at this time because they will provide you with the needed support and care by giving you a calm place to express your grief and mourn. They will listen to
your story without judgment or impatience.

  First Anniversary of the Death

  I never had a client that forgot the anniversary of the first year of their cat’s death. Because it marks such a painful time in the history of the life that you spent together, how could you not feel intense grief?

  The pain of your grief will be just as intense as it was when you experienced your initial feelings of loss. Also, be aware that your anticipation of the anniversary date can be as painful, if not worse than, the anniversary itself.

  Twenty Years Later—Tara and Puddles

  Read what Tara shares about her childhood cat named Puddles, twenty years later:

  Puddles, it has been twenty years since we shared our lives together. I have gone through so much, and I miss you every day. I hope you know I love you still with all of my heart, and I thank you for all the lessons that you taught me. So today, the anniversary of your death, I celebrate all the wonderful moments I had with you. Thank you for being in my life.

  It is important for you to have support and be able to talk through and plan how you want to spend the anniversary, which we will talk about in chapter 12.

  Keep in mind that this is part of your healing process. You may want to honor your cat with a special celebration recounting your prized memories.

  This first anniversary can bring new awareness to your healing journey and bring to the surface opportunities to move forward with your process.

  Holidays, Birthdays & Special Days

  Just like the first anniversary—holidays, birthdays, and special days that you spent with your loved cat can be excruciating and devastating to experience and/or remember.

  For instance, holidays when you are supposed to be happy but you aren’t can be super tough to navigate. When you observe everyone around you, smiling and celebrating, yet your heart is breaking, it can easily make you feel very alone with your loss.

  If you are feeling this during a holiday celebration, the last thing you want to do is join in the merriment. It is okay if you don’t. One of the most helpful tools that I share with my clients is to take a break.

  The bathroom is the perfect place. If you feel as if you are going to cry, feel sad, or have anxiety or any other feelings of grief, you can go to the bathroom, shut the door, and have a moment to collect your thoughts and feelings before returning to a room full of people.

  Maggie did this a lot. It was a way for her to feel safe, take a breath, and remember Fred in peace. It was her special way to deal with holidays with a family that expected her to move quickly through her grief.

  Birthdays are another tough time as are the anniversaries that you had with your cat. They act as triggers for your grief. They are reminders of your loss. Yet, they can be excellent opportunities for helping you move to the next step of your journey, so you can make new choices and discover new ways of navigating your life.

  There are many helpful ways to survive these days by paying tribute to your cat, which we will cover in chapters 12, 13, and 15, with specific suggestions on how to create memorials and markers of time that demonstrate your respect and caring for your cat.

  Chapter Wrap-Up

  In this chapter, we covered what to expect days, weeks, and years after the death of your beloved companion. By understanding the demands that our society places on our emotions and how we process them, you are reminded and encouraged to take the time you need to heal.

  With the Contemplation Questions at the end of this chapter, you will take control of the time you need to experience your grief, and you will be ready to not be influenced by those around you to move faster.

  In chapter 6, I am going to share ways for you to take care of yourself. I am going to give you reasons and examples of ways in which you can restore and support yourself during this painful and raw time.

  Chapter 5 Contemplation Questions

  In what ways are you feeling rushed with your grief journey? Who is rushing you?

  What are you going to do to not rush your experience, to slow down and be where you are? What are the ways you can be prepared if someone tries to rush you?

  How have you spent, or are going to spend, the first anniversary of your cat’s end of life? Write down the feelings of grief you are experiencing. If your cat has not been physically with you for years, how have you spent the anniversaries?

  Chapter 6—Caring for Your Soul

  You now know that grief is a persuasive force that has many personalities that can affect your well-being. When your cat is no longer with you every day, your normal existence is altered. This experience changes and affects your life in many ways. It can literally disturb your daily routine and steal your vitality.

  However, allowing time for self-care in order to survive your loss is extremely helpful and important. Grief has a tendency to thrive when we are tired and at a loss. When we are rested, our chaotic minds are unable to overcome our senses.

  While most of my clients feel guilty for resting and taking care of themselves during the period of initial loss, everyone needs downtime to heal and refresh. It is totally okay to do this. Not only is it okay, it is necessary. Self-care is actually a great way to manage your pet grief journey and allow greater focus, strength, and compassion to shine through.

  Remember the free meditation that you downloaded at the beginning of this book? This meditation was created so that you can take a relaxing break to rejuvenate your soul. Please refer back to it to help you take care of yourself.

  Case Study—Ellen and Twinkles

  After Twinkles died, Ellen was unable to relax. She ate standing up and couldn’t sit down—even for a moment. This was difficult for her because her job required sitting at a desk. She found herself standing most of the time, which made her co-workers uncomfortable and they started to complain. Ellen told me, “Every time I sit down, I start to think about Twinkles.”

  What happened? Ellen stopped taking care of herself by avoiding her grief. If she sat down, she would be reminded of what she was feeling.

  When Ellen reached out to me and we started to work together, we set up a self-care plan that she was comfortable with. As the weeks went by, Ellen stuck to the plan and experienced some wonderful changes.

  She found that as she became healthier, her grief was less intense and she was able to reflect on her memories with Twinkles without feeling miserable. Plus, she was finally able to sit down to eat a healthy meal and not work standing up. She also was able to make some tough decisions that she’d had been avoiding, which we will talk about more in the next section of this book.

  The Best Advice

  Now please listen closely to the best advice that I can give you right now and that I gave to Ellen—take some time for self-care right away. You may have been experiencing grief for a while or your grief may be new. It doesn’t matter where you are in the grief journey; what matters is that you replenish your own body, mind, and soul.

  The connection and your memories that you have with your cat will not go away if you take time to feel better. In fact, it will make your memories stronger and will help you heal during this terrible and devastating time.

  If you are tired, burned-out, stressed-out, not eating, and not sleeping because your grief is so strong and you are feeling so incredibly alone, it will be difficult for you to make some important decisions. The last thing you want to do is make a decision that you will later regret.

  Like Ellen, this is the time to take care of yourself so that you are functioning at the best you can and not relying on your reserves to get you through. Having strength is critical for you to be ready for any unexpected feelings of grief and for proceeding with your new life.

  The “What” of Self-Care

  There are many things that you can do for yourself that don’t cost a lot of money: walking in nature, taking a nap, taking a bath, hanging out with friends, listening to relaxing music, or having a cup of tea.

  Create a self-care plan that you would love to experience and
that will give you the greatest support. Creating a successful self-care plan that includes some new activities as well as old activities that have already given you joy will ground you during this difficult time.

  Remember, the healthier you are in body, mind, and spirit, the easier it is to cope and deal with the grief that you are going through. This is a tough period of loss no matter where you are in regard to the timeframe. Giving yourself some downtime will ease some of the pain and heal your grief as you continue your journey.

  The Physical Self

  Let’s talk about some of the options for taking care of your physical body during this time. This is the time to put your grief on the shelf and just focus on you.

  Your grief will have its chance to come back and challenge you, but for right now, this time is about you.

  My clients find that when they do one or more of the following physical things for their bodies, they feel stronger and more in control of their grief. Even if they can do one of these things for only five to ten minutes a day, it still helps them on their journeys.

  I suggest that you spend at least a half-hour every day if you can with any combination of the following activities for the health of your body, mind, and spirit:

  Massage

  Walks in nature

  Reiki or other forms of energy work

  Exercise class

  Nutritious and regular eating

  Plentiful sleep

  Short breaks throughout the day with your eyes closed

  Intentional and active breathing

  If a half-hour every day is too much time, try to give yourself at least a half-hour three times a week during which you take care of your physical body.

  The Mental Self

  The next thing to take care of is your mind. As you know, your mind is going in a million different directions right now. Sometimes your mind clutter is creating so much anxiety and stress you wonder how you’re going to manage.