My Cat Has Died, What Do I Do

by Wendy Van de Poll

  It was a small and beautiful celebration that honored Tigger with great respect and compassion.

  It was a special day for Carol and Hans—the weather was perfect. Hans even said before I read the eulogy that it was the type of weather that Tigger loved. When I read the eulogy, there were tears and smiles demonstrating the love and support for the relationship that Carol and Hans had with Tigger. It was beautiful to witness the compassion and support their family showed too.

  Let me share with you Tigger’s eulogy.

  Eulogy for Tigger

  Hello, everyone. As some as you know, Tigger was a beautiful soul that offered Carol and Hans many years of joy when they adopted him from a shelter. Carol and Hans have asked me to share with you a few stories as we remember what a character Tigger was to his family.

  When Tigger first came home with Carol and Hans, he was not in great shape. He was hungry, had fleas, and was clearly neglected. Yet, there was a spark in his eyes that warmed Carol and Hans’ heart, and they were going to do everything they could to provide for Tigger. What they didn’t expect as Tigger got well was that he had an extreme passion to sit on Carol or Hans’ shoulder and purr happily in their ear. One could say he was quite pleased with himself in this position and would perch on Carol or Hans’ shoulder as they moved about their day.

  After a few years Tigger started to seek out shoulders of friends that came to visit. In fact, if there was a vacant shoulder to perch on, he would be sure to oblige and hop on for the ride, purring all the way . . . Tigger would jump off whatever comfortable spot he was on, claim his next perch, and then proceed to purr softly into the chosen ear!

  Even as Tigger got older, Carol and Hans made sure Tigger’s favorite shoulders came to visit. He would wait for them to settle down on the couch or the kitchen chair, and he would place himself high on his perch, muzzle to ear, and purr content thoughts. Anyone who had the opportunity to be the chosen shoulder knew that Tigger had a special message for them. Carol and Hans knew it was the unconditional love that a cat has for its family and friends.

  Thank you, Tigger, for being there for Carol and Hans, and for being their trusted companion. Thank you for comforting their friends. You were an angel disguised as a black cat with white patches!

  After the ceremony, Hans shared with me, “Wendy, this was so lovely. I am so glad we had a funeral for Tigger. I could feel him sitting on my shoulder while you read the eulogy. I feel like a deep hole in my heart has been softened. I know it will still be painful at times, but I also have this beautiful memory that I celebrated the life we shared with him.”

  Types of Celebrations

  Here are possibilities for the types of end-of-life celebrations that you can consider when you are ready for this step in healing your pet loss. I list them here and will talk more about them later in this chapter.

  Pet Funeral—This is a celebration/service in which the body or cremains of your cat are present. This event takes place relatively soon after your cat reaches the end of their life.

  Pet Memorial—This is the celebration/service in which the body or cremains of your cat are not present. This event can take place whenever you so choose. There is no time limit as to when a pet memorial takes place.

  Pet Remembrances—These are the anniversaries, holidays, and/or special occasions that you shared with your cat during which you celebrate the memory of them.

  The Resulting Rewards

  The thing that I absolutely love about planning and officiating a pet funeral or memorial service is that I get to witness the unwavering amount of love and healing that takes place.

  Even though there is much sadness, there are moments of incredibly rich emotional sharing in the celebration of a cat’s life. I witness life-changing events that people undergo by sharing aloud about their life with their cherished cat. I feel honored to be part of those tender moments shared by those who miss their cat and are mourning the loss of their treasured family member.

  These are some of those life-changing moments that a pet funeral or memorial service can provide to support the griever in their journey of healing pet loss grief. A pet funeral, pet memorial, or pet remembrance can provide:

  a sense of reality that your pet has reached the end of their life;

  the opportunity for friends and family members to share their thoughts, experiences, and feelings;

  the space for you and others to acknowledge, reflect, and honor the incredible role that the animal played in your lives; and/or

  a healthy way to say a formal good-bye.

  A pet funeral is generally held within a few days of your cat’s death and may consist of a viewing, a formal service, and a brief rite at the gravesite. The atmosphere is usually somber and sad, and the emphasis is on death, mourning, and loss.

  The funeral can be held at a pet cemetery or in your backyard if your local ordinances allow this. You may invite family, friends, and anyone else that supports your journey and respects your cat and the special relationship you had with your cat. The ceremony you create can include music, a celebration after the service, and time for others to share their feelings about your dear cat.

  A memorial service, on the other hand, may be held at any time after your cat’s death. Its function is to remember and celebrate your cat’s life. Oftentimes, the mood is more positive and uplifting. The service can be as small and private, or as open and elaborate, as you wish, and it can be delayed as long as its planning requires. Keep in mind, however, that having the service closer to the time when your loss is most deeply felt is when it is most likely to help you and your family express and work through grief.

  Many of my clients who choose cremation also choose a memorial service that includes spreading the ashes at a favorite locale that their cat loved. Many times a eulogy is also included, as well as a celebration with food afterwards.

  Just like a funeral, your memorial service will reflect your unique relationship with your cat and will include those elements that are meaningful to you.

  Pet remembrances are lifelong celebrations. Every year, you can celebrate your cat’s birthday by lighting a candle and having a small ceremony. You can also go to your cat’s gravesite and leave a favorite toy. You may even want to go to a special place that you and your cat loved and spend a few moments of silence to remember their presence.

  Every year I encourage my clients to go to a special place that they shared with their cat and read to them a love letter (chapter 13) that expresses their love for their cat who has died.

  Important Points for Planning

  Here are some points you may wish to consider as you plan your own unique ceremony of remembrance for your cat:

  Take some time to plan what you’d like to do. Involve all family members (including children) and others who support you and who are willing to help.

  Consider whether you want to hold a funeral, a memorial service, or both.

  Given your religious beliefs, traditions, and rituals, determine whether you want to include any religious aspects or whether you consider their inclusion inappropriate.

  Think of ways the service can be personalized. Ask family members and friends who knew your pet to reminisce with you and recall what was special about your pet.

  Decide who will hold the service, where, when it will be held, who will speak, and who will be invited to attend.

  If you’re working with a representative of a pet cemetery or crematory, ask if you can view your pet beforehand and hold the service then.

  Find out what other grieving pet owners have done to honor their pets’ memories. Think of ways you can adapt their ideas to make them your own.

  Know that it is both normal and healthy to use a funeral or memorial service to express your sorrow, proclaim your love, and bid a final farewell to your cherished friend.

  Chapter Wrap-Up

  In this chapter, we explored why it is important to celebrate your cat’s life with a pet funeral, memorial, and/or remembrance. You learn
ed the difference between the three and heard the story of Carol and Hans and how much having a pet funeral for Tigger helped them on their grief journey. Plus, I supplied you with some important points for planning end-of-life ceremonies.

  With the chapter’s Contemplation Questions, you will be able to begin to create your own pet funeral, memorial, and/or remembrance that is special to you and reflects the life that you shared with your cat.

  In the next chapter, you are going to learn of a beautiful and extremely healing exercise—writing a love letter to your cat—that can help you keep your cat in your heart and soul.

  Chapter 12 Contemplation Questions

  How would you like to celebrate your cat’s life—a funeral, memorial, and/or remembrance?

  Would you include other people? If so, make a list of whom you would invite. Consider if you will ask anyone to speak.

  Are you going to write the eulogy yourself? If so, what will you include?

  Chapter 13—Writing a Love Letter

  One of the most important exercises that I share with my clients who are experiencing deep pain and heartache after their cat has died is writing a love letter to their cat to express how much they love them.

  A love letter provides a very special way of healing your grief. It is a different way to tell your cat how much you love them. It is a way to express your memories, experiences, and gratitude for the things that you shared with your beloved feline.

  Your mind clutter may be a little chaotic with all your thoughts and feelings at this point. Remember—that is okay. It doesn’t matter where you are in your grief journey because writing a love letter to your cat at any time is a wonderful way to heal pet grief.

  No matter where you are with your unique feelings of pet grief, having one place where you can collect and express the love that you have for your cat is extremely helpful. When you can bring together and express your special love bond that you had with your cat in a love letter, it is extremely therapeutic. In writing this letter, you can deepen the connection you had with your furry companion and make a statement of your incredible bond.

  Are you not sure where to begin? Are you not really clear how to go about this love letter? That is okay because I am going to help you. I encourage you to spend some time every day jotting down special memories or things that you want to tell your cat—even if it is only five to ten minutes a day that you spend writing. Doing so will lead to your writing a personal love letter to your cat.

  This letter will be an accumulation of love and thanks from you to your beloved companion. It is your proclamation of appreciation, healing, apology (if needed), and inclusion of anything else that you may want to express to your dearly loved cat now that they are no longer physically in your life. It is your way to say good-bye in a meaningful way.

  My clients who work with me in my Rescue Joy from Pet Loss Grief program have found healing and solace when they write love letters. In the course, my clients write a series of letters that help them cope with pet loss with grace, respect, and compassion for themselves.

  You may be asking, “Why write things down? Why write a love letter? How is that going to help me?” These are common questions, and oftentimes writing is not one of the favorite activities for my clients—until they write the first letter and discover how healing it can be.

  Case Study—Melanie and Mister

  Melanie discovered the positive, restorative rewards when she wrote a love letter to her soul kitty cat Mister. Melanie discovered that this exercise provided very healing means to express her grief and tell Mister how much he meant to her. By writing down her thoughts and expressing herself, Melanie found great solace to mourn the deep pain that she felt.

  Melanie wrote many letters to Mister, and by writing, she recalled and recaptured the amazing life she’d had with him. She learned many important things about herself and came to clearly recognize the loving gifts that Mister gave her.

  Melanie’s Love Letter to Mister

  Dear Mister,

  Things that make my soul soar: You made me happy every time I laid eyes on you, every time I knew I was coming home to you. I miss your little/big soul very much. More than I can possibly express.

  I have the utmost respect, love, appreciation, gratefulness, and passion for you. I will cherish each memory with heartfelt joy and truth forever.

  I pray that our souls meet again very soon. I wasn’t done giving you all the love I had/have for you. There is so much more to give to you still.

  These are the things I loved/love about you Mister (Magic.) The way you feel, look, smell, cry to go out into the hallway to play, eat, poop and pee, hit me, look at me, walk, run, roll over, sit, sleep, wink, brush your own face with your favorite brushes, rub up against the neighbors’ doors, watch the mail go down the shoot, the sound of you crunching on your food, blink your eyes with me, change the size of your pupils, fall back from the sitting position, your furry mops on your hands and feet, lie in the shoebox in the closet, curl up into a baby ball of grey fur with your head tucked under and upside down, sound when you are walking, take a deep breath when you jump up on my bed, lift your front paws in the air before you pounce on your toys, watch me with your eyes only as I walk back and forth, and how much love you gave me.

  Mister, saving you was my greatest accomplishment. We nursed each other back to health. We were each other’s lifelines, and I am forever grateful. You gave me a reason to live. Thank you, Mister.

  Love always, Mom

  As her words demonstrate, Melanie experienced this exercise as a powerful and healing declaration of her growth and a processing of her grief in a healthy way. Writing a love letter and then reading it out loud helped her with any lingering feelings of pet grief, such as guilt, denial, and anxiety. Plus, it gave her an overwhelming feeling that she was demonstrating a deep and profound respect for Mister.

  Questions to Help Frame Your Love Letter

  Each week, I give my clients ten to twelve questions that encourage and support them in choosing a unique way to celebrate the life of their cat. These questions will support you by helping you to determine the feelings of compassion and love that you have for your cat.

  Before you answer these questions, have a designated place where you will write your answers. It may be a special journal, your computer, or just a piece of paper. Whatever you choose, be sure to keep all of your answers in one place so that when you are ready to write your love letter, you have everything in front of you.

  Describe your experience when you first brought your cat home. What happened? How did you feel?

  Make a list of everything that you and your cat did together. What was the weather like? Where were you? How old were you and your cat? What exactly were you doing? Are there some things that you forgot and remembered again?

  What was the biggest gift that your cat gave you?

  Do you have any feelings of guilt or sorrow for something you did or didn’t do for your cat? How would you apologize to them beyond just saying, “I am sorry”?

  There is no need to answer these questions all at once unless you are really motivated to do so. In fact, each one of these questions can be dedicated to a single love letter.

  When you answer these questions, keep in mind that no one else is going to read what you write. Write whatever comes to your mind without judgment and editing. The vital part of this exercise is to get your feelings out on paper so that you are ready to write your love letter with ease.

  After you answer all the questions above and maybe some of your own, let your journal sit for a couple of days. You may find you forgot something and want to add it. A memory of you and your cat cuddled up on the couch, strolling through the garden, or sleeping all cuddled up in bed might come back to you.

  Keep in mind that this letter doesn’t have to be perfect. You can write as many letters as you want. Your cat doesn’t mind that you spelled something wrong or that your sentence isn’t complete.

  The more that you ca
n give back to them, the better you are going to feel. Keep in mind this mourning exercise is not time sensitive. If you just lost your cat or it has been months or even years, writing a love letter to them at any time is extremely helpful with processing your grief. Many of my clients still write letters to all of their cats, and with each one, they learn something new about the relationship and themselves.

  Time to Write

  After you think you have everything down that you want to tell your cat, it is now time to take out a fresh piece of paper or open a new word document and write your love letter.

  The first thing to do is put the date on the top of your letter. The reason for this is that sometime in the future, whether it is months or years from now, you will probably come across the letter. The date will help you put in perspective where you were, and where you now are, in coping with your pet loss grief.

  Then start your letter with “Dear [Name of your cat].” I recommend beginning the letter with your cat’s given name rather than a nickname because using their given name allows you to have a conversation that is equal and respectful. Also, you can always include any nicknames in the body of the letter.

  Next, you start telling your cat all those things that you brainstormed and recorded in response to the questions. If you find that it is difficult to write just one letter, do as many as you want.

  The time that you spend on your letter is up to you. Some of my clients spend a little time writing each day for a few days, and some will write their entire letters in one sitting. No matter how you go about it, get the letter done. You will be so happy that you did.

  After your letter is written, go to a special place where you are comfortable. It might be a special place that you and your furry feline friend shared together in nature. It might be at the pet cemetery where your cat is buried (chapter 8), or it may be lying in bed with your cat’s favorite toy beside you.

  I suggest you do this alone so that you can give your grief and your letter full attention without worrying what someone else thinks of you, your letter, or the fact that you are reading it aloud.