My Cat Has Died, What Do I Do

by Wendy Van de Poll

  It doesn’t matter what others think of your pet grief journey. If you cry, just remember, you are experiencing some tough grief here. This entire book is dedicated to supporting you so that you don’t feel weird, crazy, or isolated because you are grieving the loss of your cat.

  Chapter Wrap-Up

  In this chapter, we talked about how your relationship with your cat was unique. Your cat loved you, and you loved your cat. Cherish that, write them a love letter, go to a special spot when you read it aloud, and feel good about how you are walking this journey of pet loss grief.

  The Contemplation Questions will continue to guide you through the process of writing and reading your love letter to your cat.

  In chapter 14, I am going to continue to support you with your pet grief by including information on what you can expect in your life after your cat has died. We will explore how you can plan for ways in which your life will be different and how you can cope with this.

  Chapter 13 Contemplation Questions

  In what ways do you think that writing a letter to your cat will help you heal your grief?

  How do you feel happy and joyful when you write down the memories that you shared with your companion?

  Now that you have written and read your letter to your cat, have any of your feelings of grief lessened or changed? Write that down, so you can reflect on those changes and feel good about them.

  Chapter 14—Accepting Your New Normal

  In this chapter, I am going to continue to support you during another perplexing and possibly challenging time of adjustment for you—your “new normal.”

  What is your “new normal?” It basically means who you are without your cat—your thoughts, decisions, and changes in outlook in regard to your life.

  We will explore what you can expect after your cat has reached the end of their life and they are no longer physically with you. I will share some examples of how your life will change after your cat dies and how you can cope with these changes.

  My goal is to continue to help you through this difficult time. I want to give you as many tools as I can so that you feel supported throughout your journey and know what to expect.

  Let’s begin with a case study in which we learn about Tracey’s transition to her “new normal” after her loss of Luis.

  Case Study—Tracey and Luis

  Tracey had a very difficult time with the death of Luis. He was her life and came into her life when Tracey had just divorced her husband. Her heart was empty, and she knew that bringing Luis into her life would be a healing experience.

  Every day Tracey and Luis had a routine that they both enjoyed, beginning with Tracey’s yoga practice. Luis liked to sit next to Tracey as she went through her yoga sequence—purring and flicking his tail.

  Tracey shared with me, “Without Luis there with me during yoga practice, I’m finding it hard to continue the practice. If I do, I feel like it disrespects the bond I shared with him. I am getting tired of people around me telling me that I have been sad long enough and I need to get back to my yoga practice and my life.”

  Here is the thing about what Tracey was experiencing—everything that she said is considered normal grief. She experienced a very huge loss in her life. Through the act of articulating what she felt was challenging and important in her life without Luis, Tracey was beginning to discover her “new normal.”

  When Tracey was ready, I shared with her the following five steps to help her feel supported in discovering her “new normal.” Hopefully they will help you as well with what you are experiencing.

  Five Steps to a New Normal

  1. A New Identity

  After your cat has died, your life and daily routines are going to change. You are not the same person that you were when you shared a life with your beloved companion. The normal activities that you had with your cat are gone, and you will have time that you don’t know what to do with.

  You no longer have a physical relationship with your cat, and there is a possibility that you will have different beliefs and thoughts as a result of your life without your cat.

  Your self-identity will naturally change after your cat dies. This was a change that Tracey experienced. People would say to her, “I remember your stories about Luis, the yoga kitty—now what are you going to do?”

  This is part of your grief journey and something to keep in mind as your life moves forward without your pal.

  2. A New Relationship with Your Cat That Died

  Many of my clients in my Rescue Joy from Pet Loss Grief program work on a common goal—to not forget their cat but to change the relationship from a physical presence to one of wonderful memories or to a spiritual relationship.

  There are many ways to do this, and the love letter that you wrote in chapter 13 will help you gain a profound connection by thanking your cat for all the wonderful things that they gave you.

  By forming your new identity without your cat and allowing yourself to enjoy memories, you will begin to have a new relationship with them that is based on a different type of connection.

  In chapter 15, we are going to talk about the afterlife. If you believe in energy connections, I will help you explore ways in which you can connect with your cat on a telepathic level.

  3. A New Group of Friends

  Even though we live in a society that loves its pets, there are some people that don’t understand or respect the fact that losing a beloved cat is extremely painful. This could be a difficult time for you because you may feel alone with your grief.

  You may find that after your cat dies, your old friends no longer support you because they become impatient with your grief process. Finding new friends that are more supportive of you is extremely important. For example, you may find yourself relying on and investing more time in relationships with people that are most supportive and not with those that are judgmental.

  4. A New Sense of Purpose

  A common feeling that my clients go through is that they question their purpose in life. Tracey did this when Luis died. She actually thought about giving up her yoga practice because she felt like Luis was a vital part of how she processed her postures. She didn’t think she could do it alone.

  Like Tracey, your cat made a difference in your life, and you depended on each other for happiness and companionship. Your cat helped you shape your daily routine and also played a crucial role in transforming your living space into a comfortable, special home. Now that your cat has died, you may be questioning the meaning of your current existence. This is common and understandable.

  Some people realize new life purposes and make significant life changes after their cats have died. For example, some decide to volunteer at local humane societies, start cat rescue groups of their own, or, like Tracey, spend time learning about how their deceased cat can still be part of their life by learning animal communication.

  5. Celebration of Your Growth

  As you experience life without your beloved companion and explore the ways in which your life is changing, your outcome will depend on how you view your new situation.

  You didn’t choose to experience the loss of your cat. Grief is usually unwanted or unplanned. However, the journey of grief can also be a wonderful experience for personal growth. This type of mourning can be the exact remedy for you to heal your pain.

  When you celebrate how you have grown from having shared your heart and soul with your feline companion, it can help you realize the beautiful and rich life that you had with your cat. It can also help you learn how comfortable you can feel in your new normal.

  Some of my clients have learned how to be more sensitive to others by living through their own pain from the loss of their cat. Others decide to share their hearts and give back to cats in need. Some learn to celebrate the gifts that their cats gave them and live their lives in completely different ways.

  After Tracey worked through these five steps and discovered a different way of dealing with her grief, she was then able to m
ove forward with a different sense of how her life had changed. She eventually began to feel more confident with her unexpected feelings of joy and happiness.

  Did Tracey’s grief go completely away? No, it did not, but it changed and wasn’t as raw.

  Tracey shared with me at the end of the Rescue Joy from Pet Loss Grief program, “I never thought I would be able to survive after Luis died. He was my everything. He was my anchor, my purpose, my joy and happiness. When he died, I felt like I didn’t deserve to feel these things anymore. But by exploring these five steps on my own time, I was able to realize that what I was feeling was normal and my life was going to be okay.”

  Tracey’s experience helped her understand how important it was to know what to expect. It helped her remember that her grief journey was unique to her and normal. With this knowledge she was able to proceed as she wished with her grief journey.

  Unexpected, Powerful Experiences

  Here are some unexpected things that Tracey experienced that you may or may not experience after your cat dies.

  You may become aware of:

  some different and unexpected changes in your life;

  a time when you really feel the full extent of your loss;

  ways to redefine your relationship with your deceased cat;

  new discoveries of some areas of personal growth through your pet grief; and/or

  the joy you feel when recalling the memories that you shared together with your dear feline pal.

  Remember, this can be a very challenging time period for you. The extent of your loss is felt, and new feelings of grief will emerge.

  The Emergence of Your New Normal

  During this stretch of time, you will begin to recognize how your life is taking on something we can call your “new normal”—the new thoughts, decisions, and changes in your outlook in regard to your life without your cat.

  You may move into a phase of discovering your new normal by taking steps that move you towards understanding life without the physical presence of your cat.

  You may spend time with new friends, have different adventures, or do things you have always wanted to do but never did.

  You may begin to think about getting another cat or volunteering at your local humane society.

  You may even have some feelings of relief, which is common to feel and part of the seven stages of grief that you learned about in chapter 2. If your cat was very ill and suffered a lot during the end of their life, you may feel relieved that they died and are no longer suffering. This too is a feeling that most people experience.

  If your cat died suddenly or unexpectedly, this could present you with an entirely different experience and process. Be patient as this type of trauma takes time to process, and you may not be ready to discover your new normal yet.

  Remember, there are many things that will happen during this stage of pet loss and grief. They will be unique to you, depending on your experience.

  Like grief in general, there will be no prescribed timeframe when you experience these feelings or you may not even have these feelings at all. The relationship that you had with your cat is special to the both of you, and that will never change.

  Your cat will live in your heart forever. This is a beautiful blessing that is private and special to the both of you. This place in your heart and the lessons that your cat gave your soul will influence how you choose to live with the changes in your life.

  Your memories of cuddling on the couch, playing hide-and-seek, and sharing love will never go away. These pictures are part of you now, living and breathing as you do, and contributing to how you look at life and death. How your grief plays out is the perfect remedy to make choices to change your life.

  Let me pause a moment to remind you that this doesn’t mean that your active grief will change quickly over the days, weeks, months, and years after your cat dies. It doesn’t mean that a new normal will begin to develop right away. It can and probably will take its time.

  Another feeling that you may begin to recognize is more joy in your life. Please rest assured, it doesn’t mean that you will no longer experience grief from the loss of your cat. It just means that you will begin to feel a shift in your awareness in regard to your grief.

  When experiencing your new normal, you will be able to continue to acknowledge and honor your grief, which certainly will resurface. This is what grief is about—it has a life of its own. Yet, during this stage, you will be able to recognize and celebrate your growth and gains as well!

  No matter what your experience is during this time, continue to believe in your own process and grow with compassion. Your grief is distinctively yours! It will continue to change, so reflect upon what you are going through.

  Chapter Wrap-Up

  Your new normal is part of the grieving process. By making some changes and experiencing a different type of relationship with your cat, it will never take away the forever bond that you shared with your cat when they were alive.

  Please revisit the five steps for discovering your new normal to assist you in dealing with the fact that your cat is no longer physically with you. Each time you review the steps, you will learn, process, and understand something new that can be implemented into your daily journey. Know that you will feel out of place at times, confused, and frustrated—and that is okay.

  Your journey with pet grief is unique to you and your cat. Honor your journey with respect and dignity for yourself and your furry companion. No one can alter that if you are aware of and accountable for your process.

  Use the chapter’s Contemplation Questions to help you be prepared for your new normal and the action that you can take to heal your pet grief.

  If you believe in energy connections and the afterlife, in chapter 15, I share that you can have a forever bond with your cat. If you believe in the spiritual nature of the universe and that energy is infinite, you will get relief in knowing that even though your cat is not with you physically, they are with you in a nonphysical or spiritual existence.

  Chapter 14 Contemplation Questions

  You learned about some of the ways in which you can expect change in your life—your new normal—after your cat reaches the end of their life. What makes sense to you? What are you going through?

  Do you have any feelings of joy or happiness due to what you learned from your cat? Do you feel okay with those feelings?

  What are the ways in which you can be sure you receive the support you need when experiencing your “new normal”?

  Chapter 15—Discovering the Afterlife

  You have been learning a lot about your grief, how to say good-bye, and ways to deal with the trauma of losing your cat. Most of this information has been very practical. By articulating your heartfelt affection and your love for the special moments that your relationship with your cat gave you, you will find peace with the feelings, emotions, decisions, and options for healing the trauma of losing your cat.

  Another important part of your journey is to consider the spiritual aspect of your relationship with your cat. This subject is huge and will be a book of its own in the near future, but for now, I would like to get you started with understanding some of the things that happen to your cat in the nonphysical world.

  An important element to understanding the nonphysical world happens via animal mediumship. What animal or pet mediumship refers to is a person experiencing contact with the energy or spirit of their deceased pet through the guidance and expertise of a medium. The role of a medium is to translate and communicate messages from a pet that has died to the person that shared their life with the pet. Mediums translate messages from the spiritual to the physical realm by hearing, tasting, sensing, feeling, and seeing.

  Although a session with an animal medium is not a cure for the grief that you are going through, it can help ease your pain and misery. Receiving information and special messages from your cat in the spiritual realm can assure you that life is eternal.

  In my own work as a medium conne
cting pet owners to their deceased pets, so many people described it as a helpful and reassuring experience. Here is an example of how animal mediumship helped Melanie and her cat, Mister, who were introduced to you in chapter 13.

  Case Study—Melanie and Mister

  Melanie, Mister, and I had a conversation that was exceedingly healing for Melanie. Since Mister was Melanie’s soul kitty, she was distraught that Mister was no longer physically in her life. She felt that Mister left way too soon because there was so much more that Melanie wanted to share with Mister. She was searching for some answers, trying to make sense of her loss and understand her feelings of guilt.

  What happened was that I used my animal mediumship skills to establish a communication link with Mister. Through me, Melanie got the opportunity to convey her concerns to Mister, say she was sorry and that she missed him, and listen to Mister’s messages back to her.

  It was an amazing experience, aiding Melanie in connecting with Mister. Melanie told me that it gave her great solace and the much-needed help she’d been searching for.

  It had been a lonely time for Melanie to be without a Mister. So many of her routines were gone, and life had changed. Although Melanie has other cats to share her love with, she was experiencing a terrible void.

  Melanie shared, “As I was talking to Mister through Wendy, I felt an overwhelming sense of oneness. Finally, after 7 years of him being away from me, I knew that we were both okay. I had no idea I could be that close to him again. There were so many tears shed during our conversation.”

  As with Melanie, having this communication through a medium can also help you to mend the pain of loss, so you can process your grief more fully. By understanding the concept of life after death, you can open your heart to a new relationship with your cat that will never end.

  By accepting the fact that energy lives forever, you receive much solace. You will know that your relationship with your cat will continue to deepen and grow, just in a different way.