Raising Humans in a Digital World

by Diana Graber

  I asked my assistant, Anna Dieckmeyer, to find out. At nineteen, she is the same age as my former students, so I figured they’d be more forthright with her. I gave her one directive: Find out what their relationship is with their digital tools. I also told her that we could assign each student a pseudonym, as I’ve done with all the other kids in this book. Interestingly, they all agreed to the use of their real names. I took that as a good sign.

  Anna’s firsthand account follows:

  When Diana asked me to interview her former students about their current “relationship with their digital tools,” I first stopped to consider my own. Personally, I never really thought about the internet, social media, and technology as tools—I mean, sure I use these things all the time, like anybody else. But like most people I know, I tend to directly associate them with the bad consequences that occur with misuse. Plus, technology has always been this large, invasive thing. Something that you can’t ignore—that you need— no matter how badly you wish the opposite. I guess I’m trying to say that I never viewed the internet as a beneficial innovation, weird as that might sound coming from someone of my generation. That changed with these interviews. Here’s what I learned:

  Garrett Wallace

  The first person I interviewed was Garrett Wallace, a freshman at Saddleback College. Though he admitted, speaking rather laconically, that he couldn’t recall specific lessons, I discovered that his social media use is unique. For instance, most people our age have public Instagram profiles alongside a separate, private “Finsta,” where they can share things (often NSFW, “not safe for work”) for only close friends to see. Garrett explained, “I stayed away from that. My main account is private, for no other reason than I just want to know who’s looking at my stuff.” And he describes his posts as “pretty family friendly. . . . I don’t cuss or post videos of me and my friends doing bad things.” He stays smart and cautious, eliminating any chance of damage to his reputation. This, to me, sounds a lot like what Cyber Civics teaches.

  Quinn Shaw

  Next, I interviewed Quinn Shaw, a charismatic freshman at Sonoma State University, who’s dual majoring in English and psychology and minoring in gerontology. I’ve known Quinn about as long as I’ve known Piper, Diana’s daughter, so I was already aware that she uses social media limitedly. When I asked if she believes that Cyber Civics helped her with her digital life, she said, “I wasn’t necessarily ever unprepared—you know, it was never like I was gonna be sending nudes in the first place.” She laughed. “But in the sense of understanding that your digital footprint doesn’t go away, [those classes] solidified that I shouldn’t do anything like that.”

  Quinn remembers having class discussions and playing games surrounding real-life examples of social media activities gone wrong. It makes sense that she would remember those things, as any kind of hands-on or interactive activity is key in earning the interest of children and teens. I also asked Quinn if she thought her use of social media is unique, and she responded with a good example: “Some of the time I’m talking to my friends and say, ‘Oh, I wanna disable my Instagram,’ and they’re like, ‘Why would you ever, ever, ever do that?’ And I’ll just say it’s because you kinda get caught up in it, and it’s annoying, and they’re like, ‘What?’ So while I think part of this is obviously due to who I am, I think this is more typical of kids who have taken classes about this.”

  Personally, while I’ve experienced the urge to take a break from apps like Instagram and Snapchat, too, I’ve never brought myself to follow through with it. But as I talked to Quinn and the others, I began to realize how much more at ease they were with the thought of life without social media, perhaps because they had learned its pros and cons early on.

  Elias Burlison

  Elias Burlison, a bright mechanical engineering major and computer science minor in Sacramento State University’s honors program, had a lot to say about social media. Like Quinn, he believes in limited use of Instagram and similar apps, and worries about a decline in face-to-face social interaction: “I know a lot of people our age don’t really think this, but I see it [social media] replacing basic interactions with other people. You know, instead of meeting someone for lunch, you end up calling them, or texting them, or FaceTiming them, and it’s a problem.”

  He continued, “I think you shouldn’t limit yourself to just digital interaction. You should have more than that. Obviously, I still have all that stuff, but if I had the option, I would opt not to use it.”

  I’d like to believe there are a lot more people like Elias and Quinn in my age group, and that we’re more social in the “real” world than the media portrays. But in reality, it seems that our ranks are growing thin, which makes this kind of education even more critical.

  Elias also pointed out, “[Kids] don’t really have anybody telling them what’s publicly/socially acceptable to put online. That’s something we talked about. I am the oldest of four, so I shared everything I learned with my siblings.”

  He went on to explain, “We learned how to use [social media] to our advantage, versus posting stuff that would affect us in a negative way later on. Diana was really keen on explaining everything, too, which I think is awesome, especially when you’re a little kid, and someone’s telling you to do something. Usually you don’t listen unless you understand.”

  Sophia Fazli

  At this point in the interviews, I noticed that the impact of one’s digital reputation stuck with this first wave of students, including Sophia Fazli, an easygoing fashion merchandise major. “It definitely forced me to be more aware,” she told me. For her, the lessons have carried over into her use of social media today. “I’m just careful about what I post,” she says.

  The consequences of oversharing personal information and controversial content affected her indirectly when a friend in a sorority got caught posting an inappropriate photo on a private account. Sophia explained, “[It’s risky] even if you’re being private—like she got a warning, and it was a big deal. She had to go in and meet with all the heads of her sorority.”

  Sophia also talked about the importance of posting family-friendly content, and how allowing her family to view her posts keeps her away from any situations like the one her friend experienced.

  Nicholas Rocha

  Nicholas Rocha, an outgoing freshman at Saddleback College, who plans to transfer to UC Santa Cruz to continue pursuing a degree in marine biology, immediately remembered learning how to make safe and memorable passwords: “The whole class was separated into different groups, and we had to think of creative passwords using the rules. It stressed the importance of keeping passwords different for important things—so using a different password for your email, or like your Facebook or stuff like that.”

  Nicholas remembered that social media was just starting to become a big thing when he took the class, especially Instagram: “It was just the start of it all when we took Cyber Civics. We learned that it was gonna be used more in the future for jobs, college, and so forth, and that people were going to use it to judge you in a professional sense. In high school, a lot of my friends didn’t take the class, of course. They didn’t think about that.”

  Here’s what Nicholas discovered recently while applying for two different jobs:

  They asked me, “Hey, can you come in tomorrow, and can we go over your social media accounts and see what’s going on there? ’Cause we wanna make sure there’s nothing too inappropriate.”

  Luckily, Nicholas had nothing to worry about. He already understood that there are a lot of things you shouldn’t post online.

  MY CONCLUSION

  After conversing with everyone, I discovered two big differences between these students and others of my generation. First, they understand how to use the internet efficiently and in positive ways, and are more aware of the kinds of mistakes that could harm their digital reputations. Second, unlike many others of our generation, none seem to be slaves to their devices.

  In the wor
ds of Elias Burlison, “I think eventually this will be integrated into some sort of public curriculum, because how could it not? Especially when every kid who’s capable of wiggling their fingers has an iPad in their hands. It’s a huge part of society now. One way or another, education about it is going to find its way in.”

  Acknowledgments

  If it takes a village to raise a child, it certainly takes a bustling metropolis to help a first-time author turn an idea into a book. I am grateful to so many for their help and encouragement.

  First and foremost, thank you to my family. For longer than I hate to admit, they’ve been staring at the back of my head as I sat staring at my screen. Thanks to my daughters, Elizabeth and Piper, for graciously allowing me to probe them about the intricacies of their digital lives. My deepest gratitude, however, is reserved for my husband, Michael. He’s been my biggest cheerleader, encouraging me through four years of grad school that I assured him would fit easily in to an already-busy mom’s schedule, and then another eight years of work, study, and travel as I fell further into the digital literacy rabbit hole. Having the unwavering support of one’s spouse is truly one of life’s most precious gifts.

  This book would not have been possible without the help of the many experts I interviewed. Some of these names you may not know, but you should. Each works diligently to make the online world safer and saner. Thank you Alan Katzman, Brad Shear, Brittany OIer, Chip Donohue, Cynthia Lieberman, David Greenfield, David Kleeman, Erin Reilly, Gabe Zichermann, Jack McArtney, Jason Ohler, Jennifer Lynn Alvarez, Jim Essick, Joani Siani, Kelly Mendoza, Liz Repking, Lucy Cadova, Matt Soeth, Michele Borba, Michelle Ciulla Lipkin, Michelle Drouin, Michele Whiteaker, Ouri Azoulay, Pamela Hurst-Della Pietra, Pamela Rutledge, Patti Connolly, Peter Kelley, Richard Guerry, Ross Ellis, Sameer Hinduja, Shaheer Faltas, Shauna Leff, Shelley Glaze-Kelley, and Sue Scheff.

  I never would have written this book without the encouragement of author Sue Scheff, who convinced me I could do it. My gratitude to her also for introducing me to my agent, the indefatigable Jacqueline Flynn of Joelle Delbourgo Associates. Surviving Jacquie’s rigorous proposal-writing tutelage made actual book-writing seem almost easy! Thanks also to my editor Tim Burgard at HarperCollins Leadership for patiently guiding me from first draft to finished copy, to Amanda Bauch, Jeff Farr, and Leigh Grossman for applying their editing magic to my words, and to Hiram Centeno and Sicily Axton for their marketing acumen. Gratitude also to my hard-working colleague Peter Kelley and husband Michael for editing my first drafts.

  My journey from idea to book began with the incredible education I received at Fielding Graduate University while pursuing a masters in “media psychology and social change.” While every professor I studied under was amazing, a special thanks to Dr. Pamela Rutledge for sharing her deep well of knowledge and practical advice, and most of all, for inspiring me with her unwavering optimism about the positive potential of new technologies.

  Out of the Fielding experience I gained a precious group of brainy and passionate friends: Cynthia Lieberman, Tina Hoover, Carla Casilli, Lisa Snow Macdonald, Lara Hoefs, and Cynthia Vinney. I am grateful for many years of bi-monthly breakfasts pondering humanity and technology. Thanks most of all to Cynthia Lieberman. Eight years ago, armed only with new M.A.’s and a mutual passion, we launched Cyberwise (aka, “No Grownup Left Behind”) determined to share our knowledge of digital media with parents and teachers. Thank you for going on that journey with me!

  Thanks to all the friends who have provided encouragement over the years, especially Patti Connolly and Shelley Glaze-Kelley who convinced to “lean in”!

  Writing a book about raising kids inevitably reminds one of their own childhood. I am blessed to have experienced a wonderful—if somewhat raucous— upbringing surrounded by four independent and outspoken siblings who still make dinnertime conversations interesting. Thanks to my parents, Elizabeth and Donald Schulz, for making our childhood home full of love and laughter, and keeping it that way today.

  I’m particularly grateful to the warm community of Journey School. Thanks to Shaheer Faltas, the school’s former administrator, who took a chance on Cyber Civics and encouraged me to make it available to others. For that I will be eternally grateful. Thanks also to Gavin Keller, my daughter’s 6th grade teacher and Journey’s current administrator, for graciously inviting me into his classroom to deliver the very first lessons.

  A heartfelt thank you to the students of Mr. Keller’s class, especially those who agreed to be interviewed for this book by my bright assistant Anna Dieckmeyer. Thank you, Elias Burlison, Garrett Wallace, Nicholas Rocha, Quinn Shaw, and Sophia Fazli.

  Last, but certainly not least, my deepest gratitude to every child I’ve had the privilege of sharing Cyber Civics with, those I’ve taught directly and those who have received the lessons from their own teachers. I am especially grateful to the many teachers and schools delivering Cyber Civics—or any kind of digital literacy lessons—in their own communities. Thank you for the part you play in raising kind, good, and happy humans in a digital world.

  Endnotes

  Introduction

  1.Shriver, Lionel. We Need to Talk About Kevin: A Novel (New York: Harper Perennial, 2006), p. 177.

  2.Unless otherwise noted, all student names are pseudonyms.

  3.Third, Amanda, et al., “Young and Online: Children’s Perspectives on Life in the Digital Age,” The State of the World’s Children 2017 Companion Report (Sydney: Western Sydney University, 2017): 6. DOI: 10.4225/35/5a1b885f6d4db.

  4.Lenhart, Amanda, “Teens, Technology, and Friendships,” Pew Research Center (August 6, 2015), p. 6. Retrieved on October 27, 2017 from http://www.pewinternet.org/2015/08/06/chapter-4-social-media-and-friendships.

  5.Ibid., p. 5

  6.Common Sense Media, “Social Media, Social Life: How Teens View Their Digital Lives,” A Common Sense Research Study (Summer 2012), p. 22.

  7.Reich, S. M., Subrahmanyam, K., and Espinoza, G., “Friending, IMing, and Hanging Out Face-to-Face: Overlap in Adolescents’ Online and Offline Social Networks,” Developmental Psychology 48(2), 2012, pp. 356–368; Coyne, S. M., Padilla-Walker, L. M., Day, R. D., Harper, J., and Stockdale, L. A., “Friend Request From Dear Old Dad: Associations Between Parent-Child Social Networking and Adolescent Outcomes,” Cyberpsychology Behavior and Social Networking 17(1), January 2014, pp. 8–13.

  8.Middaugh, Ellen, Lynn Schoefield Clark, and Parissa J. Ballard, “Digital Media, Participatory Politics, and Positive Youth Development,” Pediatrics 140 (Supplement 2), November 2017, S127–S131; DOI: 10.1542/peds.2016-1758Q: S129.

  9.Schaffer, Russell, “Kaplan Test Prep Survey: College Admissions Officers Say Social Media Increasingly Affects Applicants’ Chances.” Kaplan Test Prep (February 10, 2017). Retrieved on December 1, 2017 from http://press.kaptest.com/press-releases/kaplan-test-prep-survey-college-admissions-officers-say-social-media-increasingly-affects-applicants-chances.

  10.Wanshel, Elyse, “Teen Makes ‘Sit With Us’ App That Helps Students Find Lunch Buddies,” Huffington Post (November 16, 2016). Retrieved on December 2, 2017 from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/teen-creates-app-sit-with-us-open-welcoming-tables-lunch-bullying_us_57c5802ee4b09cd22d926463.

  11.Theocharis, Y. and Quintelier, E. “Stimulating Citizenship or Expanding Entertainment? The Effect of Facebook on Adolescent Participation,” New Media and Society 18(5), 2016, pp. 817–836.

  12.Third, A., Bellerose, D., Dawkins, U., Keltie, E., and Pihl, K., “Children’s Rights in the Digital Age,” Children Around the World (2nd edition) (Melbourne: Young and Well Cooperative Research Centre, 2014), p. 36.

  13.Common Sense Media, “The Common Sense Media Census: Media Use by Tweens and Teens,” 2015, Retrieved on October 10, 2017 from https://www.commonsensemedia.org/sites/default/files/uploads/research/census_executivesummary.pdf.

  14.Kelly Mendoza (senior director of education programs for Common Sense Media), in discussion with author, April 23, 2018. Used wit
h permission.

  15.Anderson, Monica, “How Having Smartphones (Or Not) Shapes the Way Teens Communicate.” Pew Research Center (August 20, 2015). Retrieved on December 2, 2017 from http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/08/20/how-having-smartphones-or-not-shapes-the-way-teens-communicate/; Lenhart, Amanda. “Teens, Technology, and Friendships,” Pew Research Center (August 6, 2016). Retrieved on January 23, 2018 from http://www.pewinternet.org/2015/08/06/teens-technology-and-friendships/.

  16.Jack McArtney (former director of messaging at Verizon), in discussion with author, November 20, 2017. Used with permission.

  17.Dokoupil, Tony. “Is the Internet Making Us Crazy? What the New Research Says,” Newsweek (July 9, 2012). Retrieved on December 2, 2017 from http://www.newsweek.com/internet-making-us-crazy-what-new-research-says-65593.

  18.Twenge, Jean M. PhD. iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy—and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood (New York: Atria Books, 2017), p. 5.

  19.Twenge, Jean. “Have Smartphones Ruined a Generation?” The Atlantic (September 2017). Retrieved November 28, 2017 from https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/09/has-the-smartphone-destroyed-a-generation/534198/.

  20.Ibid.

  21.Felt, Laurel, and Robb, M. B., “Technology Addiction: Concern, Controversy, and Finding Balance,” Research Brief (San Francisco: Common Sense Media, 2016), p. 25.

  22.Jamieson, Sophie. “Children Ignore Age Limits By Opening Social Media Accounts,” The Telegraph (February 9, 2016). Retrieved on December 12, 2017 from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/children/12147629/Children-ignore-age-limits-by-opening-social-media-accounts.html.

  23.Capistrano Unified School District website. Retrieved on December 1, 2017 from http://capousd.ca.schoolloop.com.