“When was the last time you slept, Zoe?”
“Umm…”
She wouldn’t meet my eye. Absentmindedly she began picking at what was left of her fingernails. Drawing my attention to her hands wasn’t her smartest idea. Her nails had been chewed down to nothing, and more than one of her fingers was wrapped tightly in a dirty band-aid. Had I really been gone that long to let her fall apart this badly? Shit!
“Okay, easier question. When did you have a shower last? Or eat?” Fuck! I didn’t realise it was this bad. Zoe either couldn’t or wouldn’t answer my questions. I think it was a little from column A and a little from column B. “How many more days until you know?”
“Three.”
That one she could answer. Without hesitation, she filled in all the gaps with one simple word. My heart broke for her. She was doing this all alone. Granted, it was her choice, but still. It couldn’t be easy for her.
“Come on, let’s get you in a nice hot bath, and while you clean up, I’ll organise dinner.”
Without complaining, something very unlike Zoe, she took my hand, slipped off the counter, and followed me into the spotless, sterile bathroom. Unable to stand the smell of the toxic chlorine, I pushed open the bathroom window, letting in the cold night air. After turning on the taps, I dumped an overly generous handful of Zoe’s favourite vanilla bath salts in and let the room fill with steam. Turning around, I came face to face with a sight that broke my heart.
Standing beside me, staring at her reflection in the mirror, Zoe looked like a zombie. She was almost lifeless. Somehow my hand found its way into my pocket and wrapped around my phone. I was so close to calling in reinforcements. No one should ever look that sad. She looked like she’d given up. On everything. I couldn’t let that happen. I wouldn’t.
“Are you okay to get in by yourself?” Our eyes locked in the mirror but she said nothing. Didn’t even blink. “Zoe?” My fist tightened around my phone. I wasn’t the right person to be helping her with this. I couldn’t help her the way she needed me to.
“I…I’m okay,” she murmured, barely loud enough for me to hear before turning around. “I might be a while.”
“Okay.”
“I can’t believe I look like this. At least no one saw me. Except you. I’m sorry, Ryan. Let me get cleaned up, then it’s my shout for dinner.”
I wanted to protest, pull out my wallet and toss my credit card in her direction, but the way she was looking up at me with those big Bambi eyes, I shut up very quickly. “Sounds good. What do you feel like? I’ll order so it’s ready when you’re done.”
“Can we have Chinese?”
“You want spring rolls?”
“And dim sims.”
“Fine. You have a bath and do something about that hair. I’ll order dinner.”
“Deal.” She stuck out her hand for me to shake and I took it. Although she looked like death warmed up, the real Zoe, the one I adored and wished only the best for was still in there somewhere. She was just buried under a tonne of stress and anxiety at the moment. All I could do was pray that the next three days passed quickly.
Shutting the door, I heard the soft hum of Zoe’s not so great singing, and it brought a smile to my face. By the time I’d repacked the fridge, ordered dinner, and flopped on the couch with the beer I’d been looking forward to, I was rat shit exhausted. My cat nap in the car hadn’t done a thing to rejuvenate me. Clicking on the TV, I got caught up in some mindless reality show which had women who were dressed head to toe in sequins and wore more makeup than a drag queen screaming obscenities at each other the likes I’d never heard before. And I grew up on a farm surrounded by shearers and farmers.
When it went to an ad break, I dug my phone from my pocket, remembering I was supposed to text Holly, letting her know I was home safely. She replied instantly with a selfie wearing the cheesiest grin I’d ever seen on her beautiful face. In that moment I realised we’d done the right thing. It might have been as hard as hell, and at the time, I knew she hated us for interfering, but as I saved her hideous photo to my phone, setting it as the wall paper, I knew deep down it was the right decision. Holly was happy and she was safe. Everything we’d been through didn’t mean shit compared to that.
While I waited for dinner, I found myself looking up used car dealerships and parts websites. Why I’d decided to finish of that hunk of junk, I had no idea. All I knew was I had to. After bookmarking a couple of sites, I dragged my lazy ass up off the couch and headed for my room. After changing into some pyjamas, I knocked on the bathroom door.
“You all good in there?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Dinner will be here soon.”
“Okay. I’ll be out in a second.”
Just as I rounded the corner, a knock at the door pounded. After swapping a handful of cash for a few heavy, garlic-filled bags, I carried them into the kitchen, my mouth watering. As I finished grabbing plates, silverware, and glasses, Zoe emerged, looking like a new person.
Gone was the greasy hair and lifeless eyes. Although she still looked incredibly tired, at least she now looked a little like Zoe. I’d never been so relieved. Thank god I came home tonight and didn’t go straight to Alex’s place, no matter how appealing he made it sound.
“This smells great!”
“That’s because it doesn’t smell like disinfectant.”
“Yeah…”
We dropped the subject there. No good would come of me lecturing Zoe, especially when she knew she’d gone too far. I got it, I really did, it was just a shitty situation all around. One I hoped had the outcome we’d been praying for. Waiting for test results was fucking torture. Pure unadulterated torture. And this time, it was so much harder.
Dinner was finished, and I was surprised how much Zoe ate. Usually she matched me bite for bite, and I loved my food. But tonight it was like she was feeding an army. Making a mental note to make sure I was home in time for dinner each night this week, I cleaned up, then shooed her into bed. Now she was fed, she could use a decent night’s sleep, and hopefully the old, sassy Zoe would be back driving me crazy before I knew it.
Morning came way too soon, and the headache I awoke with just confirmed that it was way too early to deal with the day. That was the problem though with being an adult. Monday always arrived too soon and six a.m. was just cruel. Dragging my tired ass from my bed, I could hear Zoe’s chainsaw snoring on the other side of her closed bedroom door and decided against waking her.
***
Things changed with Alex when we returned from the trip home. I don’t know if it was the easy acceptance from my family, or maybe it was the accidental slip when I called him my boyfriend. Even though things changed, it wasn’t necessarily a bad change. We settled into a comfortable rhythm. During the week we worked hard and hung out at Alex’s most nights. After a couple of beers and a barbeque, we’d just hang out. Some nights we worked on the never-ending renovations, others we just sat watching TV.
Carly and Gage dropped in for a visit for a couple of days before they flew to New Zealand. Yet another one of Carly’s wedding shoots, and surprise, surprise, Gage was tagging along like a lost little puppy. When Gage told me his plans to put his ring on Carly’s finger while they were away, I couldn’t help but to be excited for them. Although Carly swore she didn’t need an engagement ring or a wedding, I couldn’t believe anyone who spent all day, every day around blushing brides didn’t really want to be one, deep down. I couldn’t wait to hear how she reacted.
The night they left though, Alex surprised me with wedding news of his own. His brother’s nuptials were fast approaching and he was best man. I knew he was freaking out about being in the same room as his parents. The ones who disowned him the moment they found out who he really was. At least twice a week he tried to pull out of his duties, and each time Shane dismissed his concerns. Shane went as far as to offer to withdraw their invitation if it worried Alex that much. Although it did, he refused to admit it. He wouldn�
��t do that to Shane. Instead, he started fretting. Pushing himself harder every day to try and avoid the anxiety bubbling inside him.
It was almost midnight on a Tuesday and I was home in bed. Tonight, I’d come straight home rather than stopping by Alex’s. Zoe had asked me to come to her appointment with her and I wasn’t going to let her down. Lying in the darkness, I was half asleep when my phone beeped.
Alex: You still awake?
Ryan: Just. What’s up?
Alex: Need a favour.
Ryan: ?
Alex: Need a plus one for Shane’s wedding.
It was a good thing I was lying down, because I would have fallen flat on my ass if I hadn’t been. It was the last thing I’d been expecting, especially tonight. We’d talked about the wedding more than a dozen times, but not once had we discussed him taking a date. Then for him to ask me via text, that kinda pissed me off. Instead of replying, I switched off my phone and rolled over. I don’t know if I was annoyed, or confused, or even angry—maybe a combination of all of them.
When the alarm broke the early morning silence, I was less than ready. I’d spent most of the night tossing and turning, listening to Zoe snort and snore. It was times like this I realised why she was single. No sane man alive could sleep with that every night and not want to suffocate her. I loved Zoe with all I was, but the walls in this place might as well be paper thin. I could hear everything. Trust me, that was not a good thing.
Moving like a zombie through the house, I turned on the kettle before jumping in the shower. After a long, scalding hot shower, I pulled on a pair of dirty jeans and shirt that was littered with holes. I hated looking like such a bum, but after three weeks into this job, I’d given up on trying to make myself even half presentable. If I kept that shit up, my whole paycheck would have been spent each week on a new wardrobe.
“Please tell me one of those is for me?” Zoe begged pathetically as she stumbled out, wearing the ugliest pyjamas I’d ever seen.
“What the fuck are you wearing?”
“What? They’re my pyjamas. They’re cute.”
“Cute? They’ve got unicorns on them!”
“So?”
“So, you’re not a five year old. What adult has unicorn pyjamas?” Her eyes filled with tears and I instantly felt like an ass. I didn’t mean to make her cry. It wasn’t her fault I was cranky this morning. Well, not entirely. “I’m sorry. Zoe…I didn’t mean it. Please don’t cry.” With a single tear trickling down her cheek, she swatted it away like it was nothing. It wasn’t nothing. It was everything.
Forgetting my coffee, I moved towards her and wrapped my arm around her trembling shoulders. “I didn’t mean to.”
“It’s okay, Zoe.”
“It’s not. I’m just a mess. All I do is cry and sleep.”
“The doctor said that’s normal. You heard him yourself. It will pass.”
“But I’m so tired,” she whimpered.
“Come on.” I took her hand and pulled her to her feet. “Back to bed for you. You’re going to have a nice sleep in and I’m going to go to work. Then tonight, I’m bringing home takeaway and you and I are going to veg in front of the TV and watch trash.”
“Can we have Thai?” While I peeled back the covers, Zoe wiped her snotty nose on the sleeve of her shirt and climbed back into her bed. Jealousy flooded me. I wanted to be the one burrowing down under the covers, but I didn’t have that luxury. Unfortunately.
“I’ll even get it from the place you like.”
“Promise?”
“Absolutely. But only if you close those pretty eyes of yours and get some sleep.” She flopped her head back against the pile of pillows and her dark-rimmed eyes fell shut. “Sweet dreams, princess.” Kissing her lightly on her forehead, I slipped from the room and finished getting ready.
Thankfully my day passed quickly and I was home stuffing my face with Pad Thai before I knew it. I hadn’t heard from Alex, and I was more than a little confused. Did I want to hear from him? Or was I happier that he’d left me alone? I was still annoyed at him, but the anger had faded. Thursday came and went in much the similar fashion. When Friday arrived, I couldn’t do another day. Not like the last couple. Instead, I called in sick, something I hadn’t done once since I started, and slammed my eyes shut again.
When I eventually resurfaced it was just after eleven, and I was starving. Shuffling into the kitchen, I dropped a pod into the coffee maker and yanked open the pantry, searching for something decadently delicious. Disappointment flooded me as I stood staring at the shelves of healthy, nutritious bullshit. What sort of twenty-something’s pantry had fibre plus cereal instead of the sugar laden Coco-Pops I was craving?
“What you looking for?”
With my hand clasped over my racing heart, I waited for the fright to pass as I looked at Zoe. Damn, something had to give with this girl. She looked like a shadow of her former self. It seemed like no matter how much sleep she got, the dark rings around her eyes got deeper and darker.
“Breakfast.”
“Cereal is right there.”
“I hate to break it to you, Zoe, but that right there, that’s no cereal. It’s cardboard. And I’m not eating it!”
With a huff, she folded her arms across her chest and pouted. “Shouldn’t you be at work anyway?”
“Shouldn’t you?” I deflected.
“For your information, I have been working. I’ve already been up for hours. I’ve done a load of washing, been to the gym, and collected the books. I’ve even seen my doctor.”
“Wait—what? You had an appointment today?” The rumbling in my stomach was forgotten. I’d promised her she’d never have to go to an appointment alone, yet that’s exactly what had happened. I’d had my head shoved so far up my own ass this week, I hadn’t even remembered something as simple as a doctor’s visit.
“It was fine. Just some more bloods and a check-up.”
“Are you sure that’s all she said?” I might not have known Zoe for very long, but I knew she was selective about what details she shared, part of the reason I insisted she never went alone.
“Basically.”
“Basically bullshit. Tell me the rest.” Grabbing my now full coffee mug, I took a sip of the bitter brew and waited. We’d played this game before, and thankfully it was one that I was yet to lose.
“It’s nothing, really.”
“Well, if it’s nothing, just tell me.”
“It’s just…well, um…I’ve lost a little weight.”
“A little?”
“Okay fine,” she snapped, exasperated. “I’ve lost a lot of weight. Too much. She’s worried I’m not getting the right nutrients. But I eat, Ryan. You know I do. It’s not like I’m starving myself.”
Zoe looked up at me with wide, glassy eyes. She didn’t need me to blame her or tell her it was her fault. All she needed, what she wanted, was for someone, anyone, to be on her side. Setting my cup down on the sink, I moved towards her and wrapped my arms around her tiny body. The doctor wasn’t wrong. She was merely a shadow of the girl formerly known as Zoe. Even her fiery temperament seemed to have diminished with the missing kilos.
“I know you are, sweetheart. You’ve just been so sick. No one’s blaming you. I promise.” Placing a kiss on her forehead, I tucked her under my arm, trying to ignore the bones sticking out. “I have an idea. Why don’t you go pack a bag and we’ll get away for the weekend?”
“Really?”
Those previously watery eyes were now full of hope. It was a look that suited her much better. One I’d do almost anything to keep there.
“Yep. Get packed, princess. We leave in half an hour.”
“But…but what about work? I have to get these damn accounts in some sort of order so I can lodge on Monday. I don’t want to get penalised.”
“Bring it with you. You can work while I drive.”
“Okay.”
It was that simple. With a quick slap to her bony butt, “Get moving. We roll out i
n thirty minutes,” I took my coffee and headed for the shower.
After a pancake stop, we were on the road enjoying the silence. Zoe had her dark rimmed glasses perched on her nose as she berated her laptop. Something wasn’t adding up. Instead of offering her advice, something I learnt early on in our relationship, I shut up, kept the radio down low, and my eyes on the road.
Two hours into the trip and Zoe had not only given up on the paperwork, but she’d reclined her seat and drifted off to sleep. These days she could barely focus if she didn’t get in an afternoon nap. And it wasn’t like she was partying all night, either. The girl was lucky if she was awake for eight hours a day. Hopefully things would get better soon. She deserved better than this.
My phone pinged with an incoming message and I glanced over to make sure it hadn’t woken snoring beauty. She didn’t even bat an eyelid. Clicking the app, the message appeared.
Alex: Haven’t heard from you. Dinner tonight?
Frustration flared inside me. I knew I was being petty. But the one thing that’s worse than being petty, is knowing that you are and being unable to change it. I didn’t know what to say to him. I couldn’t figure out what the right thing was here. I wish I could. I wish it was easier. But every time I tried to figure out what the hell I wanted, Dad’s voice echoed in my head again. Yelling at me. Telling me all the things that were wrong with me and the choices I’d made.
By the time I rolled to a stop, Zoe’s snoring had gotten so loud I could barely hear the music. Not only that, I had a pounding migraine sitting right behind my eyes that the aspirin hadn’t managed to ease.
Breaking Free (Meet the McIntyres Book 4) Page 19