Where the Lies Hide

by Renee Roman

  “This is amazing, Sarah. I had no idea.” Cam walked around the sculpture, marveling at the contours and edges. The symmetry and the lines. Sarah had talent. There was no reason she should be struggling financially. People should be clamoring at her door.

  Sarah stepped beside her and looked at it with obvious reverence. “I love this part of my training.” She traced one of the polished edges of the middle cube. “It would be a dream come true to do this full-time.” Her hand fell away.

  Cam hadn’t missed the melancholy in Sarah’s tone. “You should be. You’ve got a lot of talent.”

  Sarah shared a wry smile. “Hard to do when so few know about it.” She looked back at her work. “Besides, I didn’t have much time before…” Sarah sucked in a breath. “When I was taking care of my parents. They came first.”

  She stepped closer. “I think you haven’t put yourself first for a very long time.” Cam was close enough to breathe in the lavender scent of Sarah’s hair, filling her lungs with it. She wanted to hold her. To help her make her dreams come true. To make her happy.

  “I…” Sarah shook her head. “It doesn’t matter now.”

  Unlike Cam, whose original intention had been to help other people, but whose work had started to become so routine she mostly did it for the money, Sarah had sacrificed herself for others, and she couldn’t help thinking Sarah was unquestionably the nobler of the two of them.

  Cam stepped in front of her and looked at the eyes she saw even in her dreams. “Everything matters, Sarah.” She tried to keep the emotion out of her voice.

  Sarah swayed for a second before she cleared her throat and stepped back.

  “I have more work to do.”

  If Cam could have saved the moment…saved whatever they’d just shared, she would have, but it was too late. She nodded. “I’ll leave you to it then.”

  “Cam?”

  She squeezed her eyes and gathered her thoughts before facing Sarah. “Yeah?”

  “About my brother? What you said? Are you sure I shouldn’t meet him yet?”

  “Normally I would say go for it, but not with Brace.”

  “And why not? Spell it out for me.”

  Cam closed the space between them, her vision filled with the shape of Sarah’s lips before meeting her questioning eyes. “Because I don’t want anyone to hurt you.” She brushed the back of her fingertips down the side of Sarah’s face before stopping at her jaw to gently cup it.

  “Why does that matter?”

  “I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t give you everything I could possibly find on Brace and you got hurt because I’d gotten careless. I couldn’t handle it.”

  Sarah stilled, as though holding her breath. She stared into Cam’s soul, as though wanting to be inside where her thoughts ran amok. Now it was Cam’s turn to not breathe. Could she? Dare she let Sarah know how much she was attracted to her, partly because her life had been so different yet similar to her own? What if the chasm proved too wide for them to navigate?

  She fought against the urge to pull Sarah into an embrace. “Isn’t that enough?” It was proving harder than she thought.

  “Cam, I…” Sarah responded by moving her fingers to take Cam’s hand. Her eyes glazed with the heat of desire. “We have to think about what’s going on between us.”

  She wasn’t the only one with feelings. The quickening of her body wasn’t unwelcome, but the timing was all wrong. It took her a moment to recognize it as fear. She was afraid she wouldn’t have a chance to get to spend more time with her. Afraid she was even considering letting Sarah see a side of her she hadn’t let anyone know. No matter how many times she’d heard “it wasn’t your fault” she would always carry the shame of not having fought harder. Maybe that was why she was adamant about not being silent with regard to Brace. She’d fight for Sarah because Sarah didn’t see the threat. Cam always had. “Why?” she asked.

  “Because I don’t know what to do with it.” Sarah stepped back, blinking. “I think you should go.”

  Going was the last thing Cam wanted to do. What did that say about her? Was this her life-altering turning point? She stayed put, frozen to the spot by indecision.

  Sarah might be telling her to go, but her eyes revealed something else entirely. All she had to do was figure out what.

  “Cam…”

  Before Sarah could protest more, Cam closed the distance between them once again. She stared into Sarah’s eyes for an eternity before taking in the details of her mouth. And that’s when she kissed her. Her lips were incredibly soft, as though Sarah was afraid of bruising her, like she was as fragile as butterfly wings. Her breath quickened in acknowledgement of the desire she’d been fighting and the resulting flood in her briefs brought a moan deep in her throat. She lightly placed her hand on Sarah’s hip, her heat searing her palm like a hot piece of iron, branding her. Then Sarah pressed her hand to Cam’s chest, and though it felt like she was forcing herself to, she tenderly pushed Cam away. The breath she took was shaky at best. Her body tingled with anticipation of what lay ahead.

  “I know you feel it, too. The pull. The need. The desire.”

  Sarah flushed. “That’s not the point.” Her eyes darted everywhere but at Cam.

  “The point,” Cam said, “is I can’t stop how I feel. About you. About Brace.”

  Sarah took a step and turned away. Her silence lasted an eternity. “I don’t know what to believe anymore. I’m not sure if you’ve ever told me the truth. Did you put off telling me about him just so you could spend more time with me?”

  She faced her then, and Cam’s heart seized at the sadness in the shimmering pools staring back at her.

  “If you stay away from Brace until I know more, I promise I’ll tell you everything about the case right now. And about me, if you want to know.” Cam’s pulse beat in her neck so hard she could feel it in her toes. She was scared to death to let the nightmares free, and she’d most likely end up being unable to sleep. It was a small price to pay for keeping Sarah safe one more day.

  Sarah’s eyes cleared and she cocked an eyebrow. “You don’t have a past.”

  Cam sucked air. “What?”

  “You aren’t the only one with an inquisitive nature.”

  Cam saw the twitch of Sarah’s lips before she smiled. “You searched? About me?”

  Sarah came closer. “What have you been hiding?” Sarah asked. “Who have you been hiding from?”

  Cam’s world closed in, and for the first time since she’d been abused, she saw how perfect her life was now. She’d been through hell, but that was long ago when she had no control over her life, and even with her past, Sarah was here and interested in the person she’d hidden away. Sarah wanted to know her in every sense of the word. Everything she’d ever wanted in a woman…a relationship…was at her fingertips. How could she not have seen?

  “Myself. Relationships. On purpose at first. Then it became habit.” She hesitated. Sarah’s body swayed in her direction.

  “Do I have to ask again?”

  She couldn’t say anything without touching Sarah. Though terrified at the prospect of falling so hard she’d never recover, Cam took both Sarah’s hands in hers, praying Sarah wouldn’t run in the other direction. “No. I’ll tell you everything, but not here.” True confessions would either break her or set her free. Whatever Sarah decided, Cam was willing to take the risk. For once in her life she didn’t think she could handle another mistake. This time she wasn’t thinking about just herself.

  * * *

  “Let’s go.”

  Cam’s eyes widened.

  “You don’t have to act so surprised.” The reaction led her to believe she’d been just firm enough, just stubborn enough, to get Cam’s attention. She hadn’t meant to be stubborn, but she’d gotten Cam to concede, at least a bit, so it was worth it. She had to be able to trust her as a person before she could trust her with her heart.

  “You always surprise me when you give in and I get my way,” Cam s
aid, her voice so low it was barely a whisper.

  A witty retort died on her lips. Cam was the one doing the surprising. Every time Sarah thought she had her figured out, she went and did something so unexpected Sarah had to retreat and reconsider. Reevaluate. Throw away her previous misconceptions. She was attracted to this side of Cam. The quiet, unsure, vulnerable Cam who had captured her attention. Her mysterious, nonexistent past would be cleared up, though she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it. What if Cam told her things she couldn’t deal with, and any possible future between them ended before it had truly begun?

  Sarah gathered her things while Cam went to her car to answer a text from earlier. The fire in Cam’s eyes conveyed so much more than her words, and Sarah wasn’t sure who had more to confess. Until tonight, she hadn’t let on how Cam affected her. How every time they were together she imagined what it would be like to have a partner to come home to. What did she want from Cam? Just as important, what did Cam want from her? There was only one way to find out.

  Sarah pushed away the negative thoughts. Intelligent, sexy Cam was concerned for her well-being and they hadn’t even slept together yet. Yet being the key operative. But then, there were so many questions unanswered, so many issues to consider. If she could set them aside, if there was a way to trust that Cam was the person Sarah thought she might be…maybe there was a chance after all.

  * * *

  Cam glanced in the rearview mirror making sure Sarah hadn’t changed her mind. She wondered what had possessed her to offer a confessional, tell-all session. There was no doubt she’d wanted to keep Sarah safely away from her brother, and to do that she had to tell Sarah all she’d learned about Brace. It would take more than a gentle warning to make an impact on Sarah. But that didn’t explain her agreeing to tell her story, as well. She shook her head. It was time she stopped lying to herself most of all. She wanted to be honest with Sarah, and the one thing she’d been intimidated by, telling Sarah about her childhood, was the one thing holding her back.

  The drive to her house gave her a chance to compartmentalize the anger and the shame she still felt, though she avoided the topic in her everyday life. Liv had given her hundreds of reasons not to hang on to all the negative energy that came with holding grudges and dredging up the black and bleak memories that, one by one, constructed a wall around her heart. It kept people from knowing her, and thus, knowing her secrets.

  Cam pulled into the driveway and Sarah slowed to a stop behind her. She tried to remain calm. Sarah was watching her, letting her set the pace. God, she was falling for her. Hard. Let’s hope I get to tell her someday.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Sarah watched Cam as she sat in her car. The nervousness she’d observed earlier made her question what was really going on, and she gave her a few minutes to gather her thoughts. She’d push only if she had to. This was Cam’s story to tell, and Sarah wanted to learn all she could. Cam finally got out and she joined her on the walkway.

  “I’m not sure what I have in the fridge, but I’m sure I can rustle up something edible.” Cam smiled awkwardly.

  She was trying to put on that facade of the self-assured, cocky PI, but Sarah could see through it now. “Whatever. I’m good.” Cam unlocked the front door and ushered her in. It was still neat and clean, and likely she was seldom home. Cam dropped her keys and wallet on the hallway table. She didn’t make eye contact.

  “Come to the kitchen and keep me company?”

  Sarah slid onto a stool and waited for directions on how she could help, her thoughts jumbled. It hadn’t been all that long ago she didn’t want anything to do with Cam and her smug demeanor, remembering how she’d all but rolled her eyes at Sarah during their first meeting, yet here she was, pining after her. Wishing hard for something just for her. She couldn’t remember a time when she’d done that.

  Cam rummaged in the fridge. “Ah-ha.” She began to stack items on the counter. Eggs, veggies, cheese, and cream. “Omelet?”

  Time to lighten the moment. “I’m impressed. A player and a chef.” The second the words left her mouth Sarah regretted them. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”

  Cam’s head hung at first, then she looked directly at Sarah, and she felt the tenuous connection between them slide a little.

  “No. You’re right, in a way.” After looking away, Cam began chopping broccoli and spinach. “I was…have been, a bit of a player. As for cooking, there’s never been anyone to cook for aside from Liv.”

  “Tell me more about Liv.” Sarah understood they were friends, that Liv was a mentor of some kind, but didn’t know much more.

  “Liv,” Cam said as her expression softened. “Is the woman who saved my life.”

  Sarah gestured to the egg carton to see if she could help, but Cam waved her off. “How?”

  Cam sighed “It’s complicated and hard to explain.”

  “Try.” Sarah wasn’t going to let her off easy.

  “I met Liv when I was nineteen. She was older and a lot wiser than I could ever hope to be.” Cam broke the eggs methodically and Sarah focused on her movements. One at a time, they tumbled into the bowl. “I was reckless. Living a dangerous life. Unprotected sex all the time with strangers. No idea when I’d eat again or where I’d sleep. Liv took me in. She understood me.”

  Cam stared ahead and Sarah wondered if she were reliving that time in her life.

  “Liv showed me how unconditional love should feel.”

  Sarah held Cam’s gaze with hers. Her own breathing stilled. How had Cam not felt love until then? She watched Cam’s emotional shield drop. “How did it feel? To be loved unconditionally that way?”

  Cam turned back to the stove. “Safe. Comfortable. Without worry. Satisfying.”

  Sarah had known she’d been loved for as long as she could remember. There wasn’t ever a time she didn’t think her parents would do everything they could to help her grow and learn and become her own person. Cam had obviously not had the same charmed childhood she remembered.

  “What else?” Sarah spread out the silverware while Cam finished the food.

  Cam slid an omelet onto each plate and brought them to the bar. “She taught me I’m enough.” A tear slid down Cam’s cheek, staining her perfectly smooth skin.

  Sarah reached for Cam, taking her hands and holding on. The movement felt natural. Right. “You didn’t know?”

  “I’d never been told.”

  Sarah’s heart broke.

  * * *

  Cam held Sarah’s hands. They were strong. A bit large for her tiny frame, but feminine, too. There were many contradictions to Sarah, and each one fascinated her, teasing her senses and making her want to know more. One thing was certain, Sarah wasn’t someone who would back down, and she was prepared to answer any questions she might have. The time for hiding was over, at least with Sarah. She’d never known this kind of connection with anyone, not to mention a love interest. Is that what Sarah was? A love interest? The look on Sarah’s face revealed how hard she was concentrating on each word Cam spoke. When had anyone other than Liv shown any real interest in her or her life, other than for sex?

  “You’re more than enough, Cam.” Sarah’s fingers trailed along her jaw. “I wouldn’t be here if I thought otherwise.”

  The air left her lungs. “I…I’m not sure where to start.” Of all the times she’d used her cocky bravado to push people away or get answers, she was at a loss when it came to opening up.

  Sarah let go and picked up her fork. “This looks delicious. Let’s eat while it’s still warm.”

  Cam nodded, deep in thought. They ate in anticipatory silence. Sarah was being patient, but Cam’s mind raced in a million different directions and she had no clue how to stop it. They exchanged a few meaningless words about the weather and food, then she set their plates in the sink and held on to the edge, needing to find the strength to go on. Somehow, she’d get through the sordid details.

  Sarah led her to the couch, pulling her down with
her. “How about you begin by telling me about your life. You start wherever you’re comfortable. I’m sure I’ll have questions, but I’ll try to wait.”

  Where did she want to begin her life story? As a child, she’d been judged as worthless by the people who should have been building her self-esteem and she hadn’t found it until her twenties. She might be damaged, but she was still a good person and a contributing member of society. Those were the things she needed to remember. She squared her shoulders and searched for the beginning. Her beginning, as far back as she could go. Sarah looked at her with so much compassion, she knew she’d chosen the right person to tell her tale to.

  “I searched for someone a long time ago. I wanted to know how I’d ended up where I did—a child of the welfare system. What I found…let’s say I would have been better off not knowing.” She didn’t want to talk about her mother. No one, not even Liv, knew what she’d found. Sometimes it was better to leave well enough alone.

  “Family?” Sarah asked.

  Bile rose in her throat. She thought she’d put this ghost to rest. “Yes.” She met Sarah’s compassionate eyes. “My mother.” She went back in time to when she’d wanted to know everything and why it had been so important to her. To when she’d become obsessed with hope. She imagined Sarah was feeling much the same way, and Cam didn’t want Sarah’s fate to be the same. Cam’s had been nothing but a disappointment.

  “My mother gave me up.” Cam couldn’t imagine starting anywhere else. That one action had propelled her into a perpetual nightmare. “I never knew her, and for a long time I didn’t want to, but as I grew older…” Cam looked away, unsure she could put to words what she was feeling. She cleared her throat and focused on Sarah. “I was old enough to ask questions and look for relatives I’d never known. Then I found her obituary and the name of her sister. It took me months, but I tracked her down.”