Where the Lies Hide

by Renee Roman

  “Oh, Cam, that’s…” Sarah got excited, but she must have seen her anything but happy expression, because she stopped. “What happened?”

  “Lucy, my aunt, told me my mother was a drug addict. Said she couldn’t remember how often she’d been arrested, then she spit on the ground. She said the cop who had arrested her the last time saw an opportunity. He told her he’d get her drugs in exchange for sex. I saw a picture of her. She was young and pretty. A couple of months later she was pregnant, and the cop didn’t want anything more to do with her. With no income, no drugs, and pregnant, my mother moved in with my aunt. Once I was born, they contacted the cop, thinking he’d want to see his daughter, but that’s not what happened.” She took a couple of breaths before continuing.

  “He told them if they ever contacted him again, he’d make sure my mother paid the price of letting herself get pregnant. Lucy said Jill, my mom, made up her mind to turn me over to the state right after I was born, then she didn’t have to worry about me.”

  “How did you feel?”

  Cam pulled at her shirt, feeling confined. “I developed an aversion to family and cops, and when I stopped long enough to think about everything that had happened to me, I remember hating her.”

  Sarah raised her eyebrows but nodded sympathetically.

  “I know. Strong words, but she gave me to a system that didn’t give a fuck what happened to the kids in it, as long as the people that took them in got paid for their ‘services.’ Nothing else mattered. I didn’t matter.” Cam hadn’t cried over those memories in forever. The hot sting in her eyes told her they were close. “Life was hell.”

  “How old were you?”

  She closed her eyes. How old had she been when she started rebelling against just about everything? “I was eight when a foster parent first touched me. He convinced me if I told anyone I’d be sent to a very bad place, and he said that he wasn’t going to hurt me.” She could still hear the door to her bedroom close in the dark, and she knew he was coming for her. Reflexively, her eyes closed against the memory. Against the pain. “In the beginning, he kept his word. He touched my crotch, but he wasn’t rough, and even though I knew it was wrong, it didn’t hurt.” Cam felt her face heat as she shrugged, no longer able to look at the shock and pain she’d recognized in Sarah’s expression.

  “Cam, you didn’t do anything wrong. You were a child.”

  The conviction in Sarah’s voice gave her the courage to keep going. “I do know, but it doesn’t make me feel less responsible.” Cam needed to move, to stall the memories building inside her. “I need something to drink. Want one?”

  “Are you going to try to get me drunk?” Sarah teased her.

  “You might want to be. It’s not a happy story,” Cam said before heading to the kitchen.

  Cam handed Sarah a beer and put some distance between them on the couch. She liked their physical closeness, but it made the telling all the more difficult, and she wanted to be done with it. She hoped Sarah understood her need for space.

  “A couple of months later, he went from touching to rubbing himself against me. I think the only reason he didn’t fuck me was because he wasn’t sure if I’d end up pregnant.” Cam tipped the bottle and drank. “I knew it was bad. I knew he shouldn’t be doing that to me, but I believed him when he said they’d take me away. What would I do then? I mean, if the next place was worse?” Cam twirled her bottle. “Can we take a break? Watch a little TV or something?”

  “Of course.” It hadn’t even occurred to Sarah that Cam had been part of the same system that had given her such a wonderful upbringing. She’d been lucky to have been adopted by a loving couple who adored her. Cam hadn’t been as fortunate. She couldn’t imagine how she would have dealt with sexual abuse. How could a child not be afraid or not think she’d done something to bring it on herself and that she deserved it? Sarah wanted to cry, but Cam didn’t need her tears, she needed her strength and her patience.

  Cam gave her the remote and flopped back against the couch.

  As she flicked through the channels, Sarah wondered if Cam’s professional persona was a ruse for self-preservation. The tension in the air hung thick, as though it was something she could see. She found a mindless show that had the possibility of making them laugh. After adjusting the volume, she slid the remote onto the coffee table, picked up her beer, and moved closer to Cam. Maybe it was a bad idea, but she had to let Cam know she was there for her. Sarah extended her hand and left it palm up in the space between them. It wasn’t long before Cam’s slid into hers, sealing the silent understanding between them. Perhaps Cam wouldn’t tell her more tonight, and maybe not for a long time. But something had solidified between them, and for now, that was good enough.

  “Cam?”

  “Yeah?” Cam stared at the antics on the TV.

  Sarah was aware she wasn’t seeing what was on the screen. She was focused inward. “No matter what happened to the girl, the woman survived and thrived.”

  Cam shared a tentative smile. “Thank you. Sometimes I forget that part.”

  Sarah understood about forgetting the good things. She’d done much the same along the way. She’d forgotten how much love and devotion her parents had given her, and no matter what they’d kept from her, letting her know how important she was to them wasn’t one. Cam rested her head on the back of the couch and closed her eyes. Sarah imagined confessing was taking a toll on her psyche. Their bond of trust was still tentative, still somewhat unsure.

  “Was keeping me from going to see Brace the real reason you’ve told me about your childhood? Because you understand what having a dirty cop in your life can mean?”

  “Not the only reason.” Cam took a shuddery breath. “When the investigation is over, I’d like you to still be in my life.”

  Sarah’s heart rate sped up. She had much the same thoughts these days. She didn’t want to feel as empty as she had the last month. Even if Brace was a part of her life, he couldn’t take the place of a partner. A partner to laugh and love and make a home with and…if she dared to hope…a family. Cam could be her family. Maybe she’d even contact Paul and he could be a part, too.

  Cam squeezed Sarah’s hand and hoped she had the courage to finish what she’d started. The telling hadn’t been pleasant, but it was bearable because of Sarah’s patience and understanding. She didn’t see sympathy reflected in her eyes. Instead there was empathy, something Cam could deal with. She stared at the screen, not hearing or seeing anything. The show in her head began to play again. She took it as a sign to go on. She slid her hand away. Touching was too intimate for what she was going to say.

  “Instead of telling anyone, I got angry. I became one of those children who acted out. A nasty and mean-spirited child. The one you look at and know all along something deep inside is broken…or neglected…and all you want to do is fix it.” Cam’s breath caught in her chest, just like then. “The county took me away. It should have been a blessing, but the next place was anything but.”

  Sarah folded her legs under her on the couch and sat kitty-corner from her. She could almost feel Sarah wanting to touch her. Be near her. Instead, she looked on with her full attention and waited for Cam’s words to spill out. Cam wanted her, though. But if she succumbed, her reserve would crumble. She’d made a promise to tell Sarah everything and she intended to keep it.

  “The next family had three other fosters. All boys. The father came into my room a week after I landed there. He was rough and didn’t care if I got pregnant. Slapped me when I wouldn’t answer him or refused to do what he wanted.” The memories came upon her like the waves of a tsunami. All encompassing. Wiping out everything in their path. The sob that escaped her lips drew Sarah closer, and she soon fell into her embrace, not caring how weak she appeared or how forlorn she must seem.

  “Let it go, Cam. Let it out and be done with it. You don’t need to keep paying for what you had no control over.” Sarah rubbed her back. Even in the middle of all the heartache she was
likely feeling with her own recent loss, Sarah offered her a place of safety.

  When she felt she could go on, she reluctantly pulled away. “But that’s where you’re wrong. I should have been able to tell someone at the agency and they should have believed me. I did tell my social worker. Do you know what she said? That I ‘ought to be glad I had a roof over my head and a bed to sleep on.’ I took that as meaning the sexual abuse was a small price to pay for what these strangers provided, which wasn’t much. It was what they were being paid to do.” Cam fought against the emotions swirling through her and kept the floodgates at bay. It had been more than a decade since she’d told her story.

  Sarah got up, taking the empty bottles with her. A few minutes later, she returned with two more. It had taken her longer than it should have, and Cam didn’t miss the redness in her eyes as she smiled and handed Cam a beer. She pulled Sarah down next to her and squeezed her hand.

  “Hey. Don’t cry for me.”

  Sarah shook her head. “I’m not. I’m crying because all these years I never once gave a thought to the children who weren’t as lucky as I was, and I’m so sorry you were one of them.”

  Cam didn’t have anything to add. She drank her beer, wondering how many others were suffering right now, and what she could do to change it. She’d gotten so good at ignoring her formative years and the life she’d turned her back on, she no longer considered it a part of her until now. Sarah was helping her face the demons head-on.

  “When did Liv come into your life? I know you said you were nineteen. But how did she find you? She seems important to you and I’d like to know about her, too.”

  There were worse things to tell about the next family she was placed with. But Sarah didn’t have to know all the gory details to have a sense of why she was the way she was, and why the former Cam didn’t exist anymore. But talking about Liv was something different…their relationship was sacred, special. It was hers, and she didn’t share the details of their connection with anyone. No one could take that from her or make it change, and she wanted to be sure Sarah understood Liv would always be in her life.

  “Like I said, I met Liv in a bar when I was nineteen. I’d been living more or less on the streets for a year, having unprotected sex, doing drugs…I was broken. Liv…she saw more in me than just some punk pimping herself. She took me in, taught me how to accept the help she offered. After a while, I started believing in myself, and seeing the good inside of me. To live like I wasn’t broken. Eventually, I became the person she told me I could be if I left the past behind and walked forward into a different life.” Cam smiled. The night they’d met had turned into one of her favorite memories. Meeting Sarah had become her second.

  “I see you much the same way. The cocky bravado is sexy, but I knew there was more to you.” Sarah’s eyebrow arched.

  Cam laughed out loud. “Is that how you see me?”

  Sarah set down the bottle she’d been holding and got up on her knees, moving closer. “I see…” Sarah’s index finger traced her jawline. “A beautiful, strong, independent woman who I wouldn’t have met were it not for the life she had.”

  Cam swallowed hard as Sarah inched closer. She didn’t want to move, afraid the moment would disappear. Afraid she’d wake from the pleasant dream to find Sarah wasn’t real. Then Sarah touched her and she knew…Sarah was very real.

  Sarah’s lips parted. She took a quick intake of air before stilling completely as Sarah moved closer still. She hungered for Sarah to quench her thirst.

  “Can I kiss you?”

  Cam blinked, then nodded. She didn’t remember ever having been asked.

  The inches separating them were pure heat and sexual tension. Sarah brushed her lips over Cam’s once. Twice. She moaned. The next time they touched, Sarah slid her fingers through the hair at the back of her neck, pulling her to her. Sarah traced her lips with the tip of her tongue. She opened to her probing, and Sarah gently explored her mouth. She could have gone on kissing Sarah forever just like she was, but there were more important things happening. Sarah smiled against her mouth and backed away.

  “That was nice,” Sarah said.

  “Yes.” She touched Sarah’s cheek. The kiss confirmed their attraction and she didn’t want to think about Sarah being in danger, especially if she weren’t there to keep her safe. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  Sarah’s forehead wrinkled in confusion. “What?”

  “I know it’s wrong…unethical even, but I don’t want you anywhere near your brother.”

  “How did we jump from a hot kiss to my brother?” She tapped Cam’s forehead. “Let’s not worry about him right now. I want to hear about why there’s nothing to be found on Camdyn Stark before the age of twenty-one.”

  If they were going to build on what they’d started, she knew Sarah wouldn’t settle for anything but honesty. She prayed she’d be capable of giving her what she deserved.

  Chapter Twenty

  Cam took the next hour to finish telling her tale, explaining her relationship with Liv and how she’d reinvented herself. The one thing she didn’t have to worry about anymore was her last foster father looking for her; he was the reason she’d fled to Florida. He’d been the only person from her past who might look for her, since he’d become a governor, then a senator. A sexual scandal would ruin his career, and she used to wonder if he’d find some deep well to drop her in if she resurfaced as her former self. At one point, she’d wanted to bring him down, but Liv had talked her out of it and she’d been right. Who would believe her when she’d been selling herself on the street not long before? Instead, she’d worked to put the past behind her and had taken a new name. She’d kept tabs on him for a while, but she hadn’t had to worry. Three years after becoming a Nevada senator, he’d been caught in bed in Las Vegas with a couple of show girls, ending his career and his marriage. Cam had felt the last threat from her past fade away. She kept her new identity, liking it was of her own making, and she was proud of the person she’d become.

  But none of it mattered as she studied Sarah. When she’d finished talking, Sarah had sat back, keeping space between them. She wasn’t sure if it was a bad sign, but she was willing to wait it out. Finally, Sarah responded.

  “Thank you for being honest. It couldn’t have been easy.”

  “It was important to me for you to know who I am. What I am.”

  “And what is that?” Sarah tipped her head.

  “I’m damaged goods, Sarah. I have issues stemming from my childhood and they occasionally raise their ugly head. I’ve worked hard to put it behind me, but still, I have an odd way of dealing with the ghosts of my past when they do come up.” Cam had used women and work to create space from repressed memories and emotions, including anger. If Sarah got closer and then decided she couldn’t handle the many sides of Cam, she’d be devastated. She hoped if she gave Sarah an out now, the pain of loss wouldn’t be enough to crush her.

  “We all have issues at one time or another. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a meaningful relationship, does it?”

  Does it? It was a question she’d never had to answer till now. “I think with the right person, I can get beyond the doubts I’ve had about relationships in general. I guess, maybe, we’ll find out together. Right?”

  Sarah sat quietly, watching her intently, and though her nerves were frayed, she didn’t look away. Cam wanted to bask in Sarah’s intensity and her fiery spirit.

  “Take me to your bedroom and I’ll show you.”

  Fire shot through Cam’s body. Sarah’s entreaty caught her off guard, something she hadn’t experienced since she was a youngster. She didn’t even try to deny her body’s craving to be near Sarah without clothes. Without barriers between them. The lies were no longer hidden, but how deeply she was attracted to Sarah hadn’t been fully revealed either. She wasn’t sure she could play true confessions any more tonight. Hopefully, there would be days, weeks, and months ahead for the two of them, and if Sarah ask
ed for more, she’d share what remained hidden. She’d do anything to have a future with Sarah.

  Sarah stood, and she took her hand to lead her down the hallway. She couldn’t remember if she’d made her bed, though she had changed the sheets yesterday. Cam had never been shy in the bedroom, but for some reason she was suddenly uncertain. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.

  * * *

  Sarah still tasted Cam’s kiss. The sweet undertone reminded her of a familiar flavor, though she couldn’t name it. Then she’d surprised herself by telling Cam to take her to bed. She couldn’t dwell on the future when all she wanted to do was live in the here and now—to be in the moment. To hell with conventional wisdom. How often did hesitation lead to missed opportunities? She was tired of playing it safe, of putting her desires on hold. She wanted to live. The truth was her body craved more of Cam, and unless she was sorely mistaken, Cam wanted her, too.

  As she stepped into Cam’s bedroom she didn’t bother looking around. Cam’s décor didn’t interest her—Cam did. She pushed away all the distracting details of what she’d learned and concentrated on Cam. Cam looked both aroused and scared. She smoothed her hands over Cam’s broad shoulders and down her slender arms. She moved her fingers to the top button on Cam’s shirt and stopped, waiting for permission to go further.

  “I want you.”

  “I want you, too.”

  “That’s good, because I want you to enjoy everything we do, but you are in control. Please tell me to stop if you need to.” She gently kissed the corner of Cam’s mouth. “Whenever you want, you can tell me no, and I will hear you.” Cam trembled, a nod her only response. It was all Sarah needed. She undid one button at a time until the shirt hung loosely off Cam’s shoulders, revealing a strip of tan flesh between her sports bra and her navel. The belt at her waist was another obstacle, and she yanked hard enough for the two ends to fall apart. Sarah ran her thumbs inside the material, pressing them flat against Cam’s abdomen, and watched her pupils contract. Unable to decide what she wanted first—to see Cam’s breasts or reveal her in stages—she opted for slow and opened the button, then pulled down the zipper on her pants. Cam stilled her hands.