How Long Is Forever?

by Erin M. Leaf

  And she did. For the rest of the week, Eva went to work, came home and ate dinner, puttered around the house for an hour or so, and then she went to bed. The problem was when she tried to sleep, her mind kept replaying images of Charlie’s face when she asked her question, and embarrassment slowly gave way to frustration. It was an emotion she was used to, but that didn’t mean she had to like it. Eva knew Charlie had been uncomfortable when she asked him for help, but she also knew that there’d been something else in his expression. Curiosity? Attraction? Whatever it was, it was enough to make her second-guess her decision to ask him and then leave him alone if he said no.

  On Thursday, she sat at her desk during lunchtime, replaying the entire scenario through her head for the thousandth time. She grimaced as she bit through a carrot stick. Maybe I hate him, she mused, remembering how ridiculously hot Charlie had looked with water streaming down his body. Maybe I love him. Either way, this sucks.

  “Hey, Eva. I have a favor to ask you,” her friend Kyra said, propping a hip against her desk.

  Eva blinked, banishing the images in her head with relief. “What’s up, Kyra?” She smiled at her coworker, but Kyra looked down, fiddling with the folders she held. Eva’s stomach sank. She wasn’t going to like this. Kyra was usually forthright and positive.

  “So, uh, I was supposed to go on this dinner date tomorrow—” Kyra began, but Eva cut her off.

  “No. Oh no.” Eva glared at her friend, but Kyra avoided her gaze. “The one time you set me up on a blind date, all the guy talked about was his baseball card collection. Seriously. You promised me, Kyra.” Eva grabbed another carrot and munched on it violently. “No. I don’t even count it as a real date, and you know how desperate I am to pretend I’m normal.”

  “Please? I promised my mom I would meet this guy, but then Jonny asked me out again and we’re leaving early to go to the shore.” Kyra put on her best puppy-dog expression.

  Eva glared at her. “This guy thinks he’s getting you.” She waved her hands at her friend. Kyra was five feet four inches of skinny gorgeousness, and Eva was … not. “I’m an Amazon giant compared to you. Guys run as soon as they realize that I’m taller than them.” She glowered. “Once they can tear their eyes off my boobs, that is.”

  “You’re not a giant. You’re an Amazon warrior,” Kyra said, grinning. “You could flatten me with one arm.”

  “I could flatten you if I sat on you, and your dog, too,” Eva said, scowling. She was tall, and she was strong, thanks to her love of not sitting on her ass all the time, but she was also pudgy. None of that was anything a guy ever wanted to touch.

  “Please? I’ll owe you big time.” Kyra crouched down. “My mother has been nagging me about this guy for ages, and I can’t do it. I like Jonny.”

  Eva sighed. “Why don’t you just tell your mom that you’re dating Jonny? You’ve been with him for a year. This is getting ridiculous.” She finished her carrots and stared sadly at the crackers that were all that remained of her lunch. She wanted a brownie. And chocolate milk. She sighed again. Eating healthy sucked.

  Kyra stood up again and started pacing. “My mom wants to set me up with a nice Indian guy. I told her I wasn’t ready to get married, but she doesn’t believe me. She’s been trying to set me up for the past six months with random guys her aunt or cousin or whoever told her about.” She flipped her straight, dark hair over her shoulder impatiently, and Eva tried really hard not to envy her friend’s shiny locks, but as usual, she failed. Her own hair was curly and unruly, and she usually wore it in a ponytail at work. When she didn’t, her idiot boss liked to reprimand her for not being “professional and tidy”. It was easier to tie it back.

  “The arranged marriage thing actually sounds kind of useful, Kyra. It’s like a safe dating service run by people who love you. I’d give my left arm for that,” Eva said, thinking of her mom. She rubbed her chest at the familiar ache. That was the problem with her life: now that her parents were gone, she had nobody. It wasn’t just that she wanted to have sex, she wanted to feel close to someone again. And Charlie was a good man. He was safe. She’d known him half her life. No! You are not thinking about him, remember? she told herself, feeling her face go hot.

  “It’s not a dating service, it’s a cage.” Kyra shook her head. “I know it looks great from the outside, but from where I am, it feels like someone tying my arms behind my back as they push me into a box.” Her eyes flashed. “I hate it. I don’t live in India. I’ve never lived in India. Just because my mother and father think it’s a good idea doesn’t mean it fits my life. Maybe for someone else, it’s great, but not for me.”

  Eva pursed her lips. “What does this guy look like? And will he freak out when he sees me instead of you? His family probably set him up on this, too, you know. He’s not expecting some huge white chick.”

  Kyra’s face lit up. “So, you’ll do it? Yes! Thank you!” She hugged Eva.

  Eva fought her off as the corners Kyra’s folders tried to drill a hole through her shoulder. “You didn’t answer my questions.”

  “He looks like this,” Kyra said, showing Eva her phone. “He’s a dentist.”

  Of course he is. Dull as a doorknob. Eva grimaced, immediately ashamed of herself. She wanted to meet a nice guy. But nice guys were invariably dull, and there was nothing wrong with that, right? She ignored the little voice at the back of her head that reminded her that Charlie was both nice and interesting. She made herself look down at the picture. The guy looking up at her from Kyra’s phone looked young and fit, and not particularly tall. He’d probably take one look at her and run the other direction. Guys like that never wanted to hang out with girls like her. “And what happens when I show up instead of you? I’m not Indian, I’m huge, and I’m not interested in marriage.” At least not with him, she thought, very privately, as the image of Charlie wet from the rain flashed through her head, again.

  “I’ll let him know ahead of time. I have his number. It’ll be fine,” Kyra said, pulling up her contacts list on her cell. “He can’t just bail, either, or his parents will give him a hard time. He has to show up, if only so he can tell them he did.” She typed something into her phone, and then looked up, giving Eva a hard look. “And you’re not huge. You’re curvy. There’s a difference.”

  “‘Curvy’ is what fat girls like to say to themselves to feel better about wearing plus sized clothing and horizontal stripes,” Eva muttered.

  Kyra rolled her eyes. “You outran me the last time we did that charity thing. So shut up.”

  I’m fat, but I’m fast. Ha. Eva slouched in her chair, slightly mollified. “You owe me, Kyra. You owe me big time.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” Kyra slid her phone back into her pants pocket. “It’s done. He’s cool with it.” She grinned at Eva. “Thank you. I’ll make it up to you.”

  “He only thinks he’s cool with it,” Eva told her. How the hell did she get herself into these things? Oh, yeah. She was nice. I think I want to swear off “nice” for the rest of my life.

  “Maybe you guys will hit it off!” Kyra said, walking away.

  “In my dreams,” Eva said, under her breath. She polished off her last two crackers and then packed away the wrappers from her lunch, feeling unaccountably depressed.

  ****

  “He’s late. Of course he’s late,” Eva muttered, poking a finger at her water glass. She was waiting in the cafe down the block from her work building, wishing she hadn’t promised Kyra she’d do this. She had better things to do on a Friday night than go on a blind date with her friend’s leftovers. Like water her plants. Or launder her socks. “Never again. I swear it.”

  She decided that she didn’t really want to date anyone. She was fine by herself. Sex wasn’t everything in life. She had a vibrator. And she was better off alone, right? It was safer. She wouldn’t have to go on awkward dates where she had to worry about the guy being a secret serial killer. Although maybe she’d have to get a cat. That would complete her crazy single
woman status.

  “Hello? Eva?”

  Eva looked up, ignoring the sudden butterflies in her stomach. Show time, she thought, steeling herself. The guy standing in front of her was thin, short, and staring at her as if she were an alien.

  Why do I have a feeling this isn’t going to go well? She tapped a finger on the orange she’d set down near her plate. The fruit was the agreed upon signal so her date would know how to find her. She took a deep breath and met his gaze. “Hey.” She stood up and smiled. “I’m Eva Ruston. Nice to meet you.” She stuck her hand out nervously. She hated this. If Kyra ever asked her for a favor like this again, she’d pretend she’d caught the plague and had to move out of the country. Nothing was worth this anxiety. She watched the guy’s eyes roam over her body, and then he tipped his head ever so slightly up to meet her gaze. His expression wasn’t encouraging.

  “Oh, uh. Hi,” he said, glancing down at the orange, then back up at her again. “You’re Kyra’s friend?” He didn’t try to shake her hand.

  Eva slowly let her arm drop. Her stomach had begun to hurt. “Yes. You’re TJ, right?”

  He swallowed. “I don’t think this is going to work,” he blurted out. “I’m sorry.”

  “Wait.” Eva frowned. “What?” She thought of the appetizer she’d finally ordered when her stomach had growled so loudly the diners at the next table heard it. “But you just got here,” she said, stupidly.

  TJ flicked his gaze over her again, then started backing away. “Uh, you just don’t look—” He cut himself off, looking embarrassed. “You’re just, like, really tall. And … tall.” He made a face. “And, uh. Wow. I’m sorry. That didn’t come out right.” His cheeks turned dusky.

  Eva stared. She had no idea what to say, except maybe, fuck off, asshole, but that wouldn’t be very polite. Did she have to be polite at this point? She stepped back, stomach churning. “Look, I’m just here as a favor to Kyra.”

  Instead of replying, he just blurted out, “I’m sorry,” and then turned on his heel and fled.

  Eva blinked, watching as he practically ran out of the restaurant. “What just happened?” she asked, glancing uncertainly at the diners sitting next to her. Did they see what just happened? The woman gave her a sympathetic grimace while her partner talked on, oblivious, as most men were. Yup. That lady saw the whole fucking debacle. Embarrassment burned hot and horrible across Eva’s face. She sat back down, staring at the remains of the mozzarella sticks she’d ordered. “Shit.”

  ****

  An hour later, Eva pulled onto the road leading to her house. The worst part about being stood up for a blind date was the awful, long commute home. She worked in midtown Manhattan, but lived in New Jersey, so she’d had to endure an hour and a half sitting on the bus, and then another half hour in her car, staring at the scenery going by while she replayed the horrible scene at the restaurant over and over again. She hadn’t bothered staying to eat anymore. She’d lost her appetite. She was too tall. Too big. Too everything. She always had been. She might as well save herself the trauma of trying to find a guy. And she had a headache, anyway. She sighed in relief when her house came into view between the trees, and then her breath caught.

  Charlie’s truck sat in her tiny driveway, blocking her usual parking spot in front of the garage.

  “Fuck my life,” Eva breathed as she pulled in behind his vehicle. She shut off her car, then leaned her forehead on the steering wheel. What was he doing here? Why tonight, of all nights? She supposed he was here fixing something, probably her living room ceiling. He was a nice guy. She didn’t want a nice guy right now. She wanted ice cream, and comfortable jammies, and her bed, and a box of tissues. None of those things judged her based on how she looked.

  “Shit,” she muttered, pressing her forehead with her fingers. Her head really did hurt. She stayed hunched over for several minutes, breathing in and out until her heart stopped banging against her ribcage, and she was pretty sure she wasn’t about to start bawling. Or barfing. “Come on, girl. Man up. What’s the worst that can happen?” she asked herself, then snorted. She opened the car door and gathered her courage.

  By the time she’d climbed the steps to her house, she’d almost convinced herself she wasn’t about to have a nervous breakdown. It was only one terrible almost blind date, right? No big deal. She’d weathered far more trauma than a bad date. And this didn’t count as a date, she decided. She still hadn’t been on an actual date. Right? Right. Unfortunately, when she opened the door, her heart revved right back up again.

  Charlie stood on a stepstool in her living room, arms above his head, patching the wrecked drywall on the ceiling. His hair had joint compound speckled here and there, and for some reason, none of the clothes he wore to her house ever fit him right. Today, he wore tight jeans with a rip in the right knee, and a blue t-shirt that was old, soft, and snug as hell over his pecs. He looked like he belonged on the cover of a romance novel, not in her stupid, tiny house.

  Does he have to look so damn gorgeous? Eva wondered, humiliated all over again. She didn’t want to be attracted to him, especially now. Not after he’d turned her down, and her blind date disaster. She really didn’t want to deal with any of it anymore. She’d never felt so alone in her life.

  “Hi, Eva,” Charlie said, smiling at her over his arm. He was smoothing joint compound over a new patch on her ceiling.

  “Hi, Charlie,” she said, shutting her front door behind her. Her voice didn’t waver, and that little victory calmed her nerves. “I had no idea you were coming over today.” She dropped her purse on the sofa and then stood there, trying to decide if she should go cry on her bed after changing into her pajamas, or stand here pretending she was okay.

  “Oh, I wanted to get this taken care of so you wouldn’t have to deal with mold growing. It turned into a bigger job than I expected. I was hoping to be out of here before you got home,” Charlie said, relaxing his arms.

  Why? Because you don’t want to face me after turning me down? Too awkward for you? Eva asked him silently. Bitterly. She couldn’t bring herself to ask him for real. She toed off her shoes and left them in front of the door. Exhaustion dragged at her.

  Charlie dropped the trowel he held into the rectangular mud pan full of compound, and brushed his hair back from his face. The motion left a streak of white along his cheekbone. “I’ve just finished.” He looked around at the equipment he’d put on a cloth tarp. “I’ll clean up and get out of your way.”

  Eva blinked, staring at the white smear on his face. Somehow, it softened his hotness level down from “holy hell I want to jump him right now” to “holy hell I want to hug him right now”.

  “Oh, okay,” she said, too tired to come up with anything wittier. Her brain was fried, her libido was working overtime, and her heart was in the middle of a full-blown anxiety attack. Life just sucked, sometimes. All the time. Whatever.

  “Eva? Are you okay?” Charlie asked, turning towards her with a concerned frown. “You look tired. Or upset.” He pursed his lips. “Or both.”

  She just stared back at him mutely. If I have to explain anything to him, I’m going to start sobbing, she thought, very clearly, even as she felt tears well up. Shit.

  Charlie walked over to her. “Hey. It’s okay. Whatever it is, you’re okay.” He reached out and folded her into his arms. “You’re okay. I promise. I’m here.”

  Eva thought about resisting, but it had been so long since anyone gave her a hug that she couldn’t. She shuddered, sinking into his warm strength. He was hard and solid and everything she wanted, but it wasn’t until he rubbed a thumb along her cheek that she realized she had tears on her cheeks. I guess I’m crying after all.

  “What happened?” he asked after a moment.

  Eva sniffed. He smelled like dust and wet plaster and man. He smelled like home, dammit to hell. “Nothing. Just a bad day.” She pushed away from him, but he wouldn’t let her go.

  “Oh no, it’s not nothing,” Charlie said, holding her
by the arms. “You don’t walk into your house crying and tell me it’s nothing.”

  She frowned up at him. “It’s nothing you can help with, Charlie.” What did he care, anyway? He’d turned her down. He didn’t owe her anything.

  Charlie nudged her over to the sofa, then crouched down in front of her as she sat. “Tell me.” His light eyes glimmered more hazel than brown as he looked at her. He held her hands as if he were afraid she was going to fly away if he didn’t anchor her to the ground.

  He’s like a dog with a bone. Eva sighed and explained as succinctly as she could. “I went on a blind date because I promised my friend Kyra I’d take her place. Her mom keeps trying to set her up. The guy took one look at me and ran for the door. He didn’t even sit down.”

  Charlie shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

  “What’s not to understand?” Eva shook off his hands and grabbed one of the sofa’s cushions, instead. She kneaded it to within an inch of its life. “I’m too tall, Charlie. And too fat. And I always have been and always will be. I’ve never been on a real date with someone who liked me. With someone who I liked back. I’ve never had a boyfriend, okay? It sucks. I’m tired and I’m lonely and I’ve never even had a first kiss.” To her horror, she stared crying again. Why was she telling him this? He’d rejected her too. Could her life get any worse? “He told me I was too tall and too big,” she said angrily, swiping her hand at her cheeks. “And you know what? I always will be. Nothing is ever going to change. A diet can only do so much. It won’t make me shorter even if I do lose weight.” She clutched the pillow like a lifeline. “I don’t want to lose weight. I don’t want to diet anymore. It sucks. If I’m not going to ever meet someone, then at least I’ll have ice cream to hug.”