Today's Edition
Page 9
for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Parnax Glue (TM). It sticks things together. Most of the time.
And now for some public service announcements.
Due to routine maintenance scheduled for today and tomorrow on the electrical grid in B sector, oxygen levels and ambient air pressure may fluctuate unexpectedly. Citizens may experience mild disorientation, fatigue, or explode from the inside out. There is nothing to be concerned about. Also, the lighting in corridors A-4/ER-7 through A-4/EX-21 is in the process of being upgraded. Extended periods of complete darkness, however, are unlikely. Citizens are reminded that the security cameras can see in the infrared band and are expected to behave responsibly.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Parnax Solvent (TM). It gets rid of the glue. Most of the time.
The Color of the Patriot is jetstream.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now a word from our sponsors.
Did you ever wonder what it would be like to land on a black hole and have a look around before taking off again? Or perhaps you're curious about some of the personages our plazas and important buildings are named after? Whatever your intellectual appetites, Whackypedia (TM) has the answers for you! Whackypedia (TM) is your gateway to the Bunker's largest database of unrestricted information concerning any topic you could possibly think of. Better yet, its millions of entries – on subjects ranging from the health benefits of radioactive decay to esteemed citizen Fankold Schlosser, the first person to calculate the Gravitational Constant – have been compiled by none other than your fellow citizens. That's right! Anyone with the proper knowhow and gumption can create and edit pages in Whackypedia (TM). And why not? You're an intelligent, upstanding citizen. Yearstretches of training and poring over books is the path of the arrogant and the vain and certainly not required to know the difference between selective and direct metal laser sintering. And if you don't – just read about it on Whackypedia (TM)! After soaking up all that wisdom, you'll be able to contribute to it with confidence. Can't find the entry you're looking for? With the click of a button, you can simply make one up! Whackypedia (TM) is the Bunker's primary repository of invaluable factual truths your neighbors have come to trust and rely on. Come visit us on X.net! “Even you can be an expert on microbial production of biopolymers and polymer precursors.”
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
The search in H-5 sector and the adjacent departments for the escaped prototype of an operational and highly unpredictable wartime cybot has drawn to an end. A team of crack scientists led by Gamma clearance citizen and respected project lead, Abe Yazumi, was able to track it down to an abandoned production facility that was formerly operated by Imagino, Inc (TM), owner and producer of that thoroughly discredited but at one time wildly popular consumer gadget, the hallucinograph. Citizen Abe graciously granted us an interview outside his highly secured lab in H-5 sector. “Once we had the premises surrounded, we feared the cybot would retaliate. So we destroyed the entire building in a firestorm of molecular disassemblers and Breakfast Time high impact, double barreled cannon.” The operation to disable the fugitive cybot did not, however, proceed without glitches. At one point, suspicion fell on citizen Abe himself when one of his researchers, Epsilon clearance citizen Shoxy Mavindidze, reached out to agents at Homeland Security with claims that there was, in fact, no cybot at all and that citizen Abe had embezzled most of the project's funds. Unfortunately, before her claims could be verified, she was burned to death in an unfortunate accident at an abandoned production facility formerly operated by Imagino, Inc (TM). “The fact that no one ever saw the cybot saves us from a lot of unpleasantness, since familiarity with its description and function are restricted to Epsilon clearance and higher,” citizen Abe told us. When asked if he would be starting work on a new prototype, he smiled reassuringly. “If our friends over at Defense still have the funding, I'd be happy to try my hand at this challenge again. After all, protecting my fellow citizens against the machinations of devious traitors is my highest priority!”
And now a word from our sponsors.
Whatdjasay Ear Stoppers (TM), a reliable friend indeed. They'll block out your bunkmates' snoring or your credits back!
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Citizen Carlton Smickett, that much admired behavioral scientist and namesake for our vidshow, was more than just a dutiful researcher who helped get the Developmental Engineering conglomerate off its feet in its early daystretches. He was also a father, a husband, and a human being. Even citizen Carlton was once a Ward of the State, and even citizen Carlton started out sleeping in the Lower Quarters without any security clearance to speak of. The Bunker is a utopia, and as such anyone with talent will inevitably to rise to her proper station. But that doesn't mean you can't wave hello when you see a towering intellect walking past and share a little joke. You can identify her by the pocket protector tucked into her jumpsuit or the way that she mumbles to herself when no one else is around. Everyone wants to feel loved and know that she belongs. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Ride Me Rough Condoms (TM). You can blow them up like balloons or put them on your penis. Whatever works best for you.
And now for some public service announcements.
A contingent of cleanbots will be scouring the corridors in T and L sectors this weekstretch. If you see them coming, do no interfere and be sure to clear out of their way. They have a tight schedule to keep and will not deviate from their preprogrammed assignments under any circumstances.
The Color of the Patriot is crunchtime.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
Agents from Homeland Security secured an important victory last weekstretch when they uncovered – and neutralized – a covert cell of The Coven operating out of a pantry at the Freedom's Beacon Community Dining Hall Q-14 sector. As you no doubt are unaware, The Coven is the name used by those terrorists who are under the dangerous and erroneous impression that life on Earth was better and more fulfilling than here in the Bunker, the only utopia humankind has ever known. At the time of their arrest, these traitors were holding what appeared to be a series of lectures on a fabled earthly institution called the Bank of Murica. Rest assured, citizens, no such organization ever existed. Earthlings did not draw from an endless supply of credits provided by this fantastical Bank of Murica, nor did they happily make offerings and gifts in the form of so-called collateral and troubled asset relief to its benevolent leader, Jaypee Morgan, and his gang of friends, the institutional funds. The traitors belonging to this cell have all been taken into custody and thoroughly interrogated as to the identities and whereabouts of their fellow conspirators. Interestingly, no earthly artifacts were recovered from the site despite the fact that most cells in The Coven routinely possess several.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Uncle Scabby's (TM) Steppods (TM)!! You won't find a better selection of steppods anywhere in the Bunker!! All our salespeople have taken Uncle Scabby's (TM) Oath of Good Conduct (TM)!! So come on down to a location nearest you!! Uncle Scabby's (TM) Steppods (TM)!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!!
In other news, a butt checker in the cleaning station at a metro stop in T-8 sector was found unconscious and unresponsive by guardians from Defense six daystretches ago. T
hey had been alerted to the situation by two concerned citizens who, after having just made use of the station, desired the customary hygienic inspection of their rear ends. An autopsy will be performed to determine the cause of death, but by all accounts the unfortunate man fell down several times, shot himself with a laser pistol in the back, and subsequently drowned in one of the toilets. Foul play has been ruled out, and no further investigation will be made. Fortunately for the two citizens who made the discovery, an off-duty butt checker was located on the platform waiting for the next train. To the great enthusiasm of the crowd, they were declared paragons of cleanliness and given a standing ovation.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Uncle Scabby's (TM) Steppods (TM)!! Our prices are insaaaaaaaane!!
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? Control, that judicious and caring overseer of the Bunker's economy, has recently determined that the patriotic length of a queue is twenty-five persons, no more, no less. How the good people over at Control arrived at that number is, to be frank, of no concern to you. As good citizens, when passing by a queue that is not at full capacity, it is your