Today's Edition
Page 8
marketing.”
And now for some public service announcements.
The color of the water in the community dining halls throughout departments V-9, -10, and -11 may appear unusual today. Experts from Housing and Construction have assured us, however, that the slight green or dark purple tinge is entirely harmless and fun! There is nothing to be concerned about. Drink up, citizens!
The Color of the Patriot is slate.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now a word from our sponsors.
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And now our top stories this weekstretch.
An operational prototype of an advanced and highly unpredictable cybot is on the loose somewhere in H-5 sector. A new weapon in the war against terrorism, researchers from Developmental Engineering have poured a vast amount of resources into its creation. Gamma clearance citizen and respected project lead Abe Yazumi spoke with a reporter from Today's Edition (TM). “This cybot is capable of sniffing out disloyalty from kilometers away. Quite literally! Certain glands near the surface of the skin are known to secrete a pheromone that betrays a person's unpatriotic intentions. The cybot, having identified the pheromone's source, is programmed to shoot to kill. No human intervention required.” The prototype's escape comes at an unfortunate time, as the cybot was scheduled to be presented for the first time to its stakeholders and primary sources of funding high up in the ranks of the Defense conglomerate. Citizens are asked to be on the lookout for anything suspicious.
In other news, a series of explosions in O-8 sector disrupted power to several industrial facilities, including the sector's largest producer of Vitamim. Popularly dubbed food pits due to the vast tubs in which this tasty and nutritious dietary staple is mixed and fermented, the affected factories were without power for several hourstretches. An entire crop of Vitamim was lost. Fortunately, the good citizens of O sector have volunteered to forgo eating for the next two daystretches. In addition, their production quotas will remain in place so as not to shock the broader economy. As a gesture of gratitude, Control has decided to grant the entire sector Fifteen Minutes of Fame. Congratulations, O sector!
And now a word from our sponsors.
Yanzer (TM) shoe slippers. Exactly what you need to protect those fashionable – not to mention expensive! – pair of boots you just picked up. Why not treat them with the care and respect they deserve? Yanzer (TM) shoe slippers. “Shoes are the last and most important brushstroke on the canvas of beauty and respectability.”
We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? There are times when the metro is filled to capacity. Although Control has provided exactly the resources required to maintain our prosperity and happiness, sometimes those resources are stretched to the limit. In these situations, it is never appropriate to cop a feel or grab someone'e ass, no matter how tempting the urge. Groping or initiating any other form of unwanted bodily contact is a criminal act and will not be tolerated. Remember, this is not just your home. It's our home, too. That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
On a lighter note, a troupe of jugglers will be entertaining citizens this weekstretch in all our plazas and major intersections. Take a stretch and enjoy these talented Wards of the State and their lively performances!
And now for some public service announcements.
Due to a fire in V-10 sector, the Bunker is currently experiencing a shortage of plastex, one of the basic building blocks of our economy. As a result, certain popular items you are normally accustomed to seeing stocked in abundance on the shelves of supermarkets and in the stalls of bazaars – such as toothbrushes, toilet paper, and lava lamps – will be temporarily unavailable. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors.
Cleany Clean (TM), the Bunker's number one cleanliness assistant! Available for purchase in any supermarket and some vending machines. “It may look like Orange Drink. It may taste like Orange Drink. But Cleany Clean (TM) is not Orange Drink!”
The Color of the Patriot is plutonium.
Thank you for your time and attention, citizen. Remember, today is the same as any other! Greetings, and until next weekstretch.
Greetings, citizen, and welcome to Today's Edition (TM), the Bunker's most trustworthy source of news and current events!
And now our top stories this weekstretch.
The search in H-5 sector and the adjacent departments for the escaped prototype of an operational and highly unpredictable wartime cybot continues. A team of crack scientists led by Gamma clearance citizen and respected project lead, citizen Abe Yazumi, is hot on its wheels. “This cybot is armed and dangerous,” he told us during a hectic appearance hastily arranged outside his command headquarters. “After all, I should know. I designed it myself! The specimen in question is programmed to smell out and destroy terrorists on sight. Unfortunately, one of its defenses is an invisibility cloak. We believe this explains why no one has caught sight of it yet. That, and the incredible powers of deduction I bestowed upon it!” Millions of credits have already been poured into the prototype's design and assembly, most of which were contributed by stakeholders from Defense. A formal inspection of the cybot by a panel of high-clearance officers – the first time they were to lay eyes on the product of their costly investment – has been delayed indefinitely. Security regulations currently in effect strictly prohibit anyone from disclosing its model number and description to the general public. All citizens are requested to be on the lookout for an invisible, top-secret cybot lurking in the shadows. An updated version of electronic form number 0x00000F79 'NOTIFICATION OF SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY' has been posted on Developmental Engineering's portal on X.net for just this purpose. It should be submitted together with a 'SECURITY CLEARANCE EXEMPTION ADDENDUM' form 0x00000571 as well as a 'DECLARATION OF TREASONOUS INTENT' form 0x00000002, where appropriate.
And now a word from our sponsors.
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We would now like to draw your attention to the Bunker's emotionally powerful and riveting public service documentary, “What Would Carlton Smickett Say”? One of the indelible pleasures of life in the Bunker is gathering after dinner in the common room of our barracks and curling up with friends, neighbors, and a container of NiceCream to watch the tube. What else could be more soothing or replenishing than relaxing with our fellow citizens and enjoying some wholesome entertainment? Unfortunately, due to an unexpected spike in terrorist activity, most common rooms are equipped with but a single
tube, and not everyone will always agree on what to watch. Will it be that rerun of “How'd You Get So Loyal”? you've been looking forward to all weekstretch? Or maybe “Wheel of Misfortune”, the Bunker's favorite daily gameshow? Remember, violence is never any way to solve a dispute. The tube has been generously provided by Control for everyone's benefit, not just your own. In fact, every feed carefully written and produced by Human Resources and broadcast on the tube is a pleasure to watch, whatever it happens to be. After all, this is a utopia. All its inventions are perfect. So if tonight you don't get your way in the common room of your barracks, sit back and enjoy that NiceCream anyway, because what you're about to watch is stupendous, intellectually titillating, and the best thing since PermaChunky and Indigo Flavor! That's surely what Carlton Smickett would say.
On a lighter note, citizens in T-13 sector will be selected at random by Epsilon clearance citizen and talented artist Yekaterina Romashkova to pose in her newest and much anticipated portrait in patriotic color, A Feast of Friends, part of the Bunker's ongoing celebration of spontaneous art. If you happen to be chosen, don't let the knives and forks frighten you! Participation in this event is mandatory and fun. Thank you