Friends with Benefits

by Michelle Grotewohl

  He couldn’t even pretend he knew what she meant. “What are you talking about?”

  To her mother’s ears, he sounded very unhappy. It went a long way toward soothing her own anxiety. More softly this time, she said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

  He sighed. “Nothing. Why would anything be wrong?” His words were aloof, but his tone was bitter.

  “I don’t know.” She waited a beat, then asked cautiously, “Is it something to do with Gina?”

  “Why would you ask that?” His tone was dead, as if he were blocking any emotion where Gina was concerned.

  “Because her mother just called me, after calling her, and said she sounds as miserable as you do, and that she misses her best friend.”

  Aaron’s annoyance piqued. ‘That was a woman for you,’ he thought. Out loud, he said, as calmly as he could manage, “I’m not miserable. I’m relieved. Things were getting too intense for me. So I let her off the hook.”

  “What if she didn’t want off the hook?”

  “Mom, she’s just like me about dating. More cold about it, even. If she’s upset, it’s because she has to find a new boy toy, not because she actually cared about me.”

  “Are you sure?”

  He sighed, saddened that he was. “Yes. Quite sure.”

  “Aaron… Are you in love with her?”

  He stiffened. “No, mom. People like me don’t fall in love with other people like me. I gotta go.”

  She didn’t argue with him as he’d expected, or try to convince him to go to Gina and make amends. She simply said, “Okay. Bye.”

  Aaron hung up the phone and stalked through his apartment. He was pissed at Gina, for telling her mother what she had, and for letting her mother tell his mother, and so on. He was going over there right now to give her a piece of his mind.

  She had a lot of nerve being upset by his lack of attention. He was the one who’d fallen in love, not her. She’d lost a friend, a lover, but he’d lost what might have been a future with her, and that was worse. Best friends! He’d give her best friends.

  But halfway across the hall, he stopped. Hadn’t they been best friends? Hadn’t they spent nearly every day together, laughing and cooking and talking and playing, and- he felt his chest tighten- making love. So she wasn’t exactly over-sentimentalizing it. And she’d mentioned it to her mother, so she must really be feeling something. Would it be so hard for him to be her friend, and hope it turned into more down the road?

  With that in mind, he lifted his fist and knocked. It took her a minute to answer, and he figured she was likely still in bed. Then he remembered she’d gone out last night. He hadn’t been home when she got in, had purposely stayed out till past midnight. What if she wasn’t alone?

  He’d almost turned around to go back home when she opened the door. She wore her terry cloth robe, and he could see there was nothing under it. His stomach twisted in knots of dread. Then he saw her face. She’d gone to bed without removing her makeup, he saw, something she never did. Then he really looked at her, beneath the smudgy makeup to her eyes.

  She looked seriously depressed. Surely a woman who’d made love the night before wouldn’t be so sad. She also looked a little… What? Hungover? This, too, fortified in his mind that she hadn’t been with a man the night before. She didn’t drink enough to get drunk when she was on a date. She’d told him so, and proved it many times. Suddenly, he felt a little lighter than he had when he’d first come over.

  Gina rolled her eyes at the sight of him. “God! Can’t that woman keep anything to herself?” she muttered, and it was clear she was talking about her mother.

  Aaron ignored that, sort of ignored the reason he’d knocked on her door. “Are you okay?”

  She let out a breath and said testily, “Yeah, fine. Why?”

  He shrugged. “You don’t look so good.”

  She let out a humorless half-laugh. “Thanks. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear. Tomorrow, I’ll go get a puppy so you can kick it,” she snarled, then started to close door.

  He put a hand gently against the metal and stopped her. “Wait.”

  She opened the door again and crossed her arms beneath her breasts. “What?”

  He was trying to be her friend again, but she wasn’t making it easy. “It’s clear you’re upset about something. Tell me.”

  Appalled that he had the nerve to ask, she shook her head. “No. You lost friend privileges when you stopped being my friend.”

  Though he knew she had every reason to be upset, he had a few of his own, and her outrage blew his cool. “Well, damn it, Gina! I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be best friends with you, and hang out all the time, and go out all the time. I liked my life the way it was.”

  She nodded slowly, as if he’d made everything abundantly clear. “So did I. Now that we’re clear, you can go.” Once again she started to close the door, and once again he stopped her, panic spurting through him.

  “Stop. I don’t want to go.”

  Her eyes were guarded as she looked at him.

  Quieter, more calm now, he said, “I also didn’t want to like spending time with you, in and out of bed. I didn’t want to look forward to seeing you when I came home from work. And I certainly didn’t want to fall in love with you.” His voice tapered off as he finished.

  Gina’s eyes were huge as she stared at him. “Did you just say you love me?”

  Aaron sighed. “Yes.” Knowing he was taking a big risk, he continued, “And if you don’t feel the same way, just close the door now, so I can get on with my suddenly empty life.”

  She stared at him for a long time, looking torn. After a couple minutes, just when Aaron thought he’d tear his hair out if she didn’t answer him, she shook her head minutely and looked away, then slowly closed the door.

  Aaron stood there, stunned by her rejection. He’d honestly thought that laying his heart out like that would result in her claiming she loved him, too. That she didn’t suddenly made the pain of the last week feel like a pin prick. Absolutely miniscule in comparison. Before at least he hadn’t known one way or the other how she felt, and he could tell himself she pined for him as he pined for her. Now, though, he had nothing to cling to, no hope.

  Turning slowly, he went back to his own apartment. After shutting the door, he walked to his bar and poured himself two fingers of bourbon, downing it in one shot and hissing between his teeth before pouring himself another. He’d heard about the joys of love, had experienced quite a few of them in the last weeks. But no one ever told you how bad it could hurt.

  He sat at his bar for nearly an hour, telling himself he would get drunk to numb the pain but only nursing the second drink he’d poured for himself. He couldn’t seem to stop thinking long enough to take a drink. He’d have to move, he mused. He couldn’t live so close to her, see her everyday, see her various lovers- for surely she would go back to dating now- and remain sane. He would-

  The knock on his door startled him, pulling him from his thoughts. Grumbling, he wondered who would be visiting. It could be Fisher, though they’d made no plans. Not that that ever stopped his friend from popping in. Or it could be his mother, come to comfort him. Please, God, don’t let it be mom.

  He was not expecting it to be Gina. She looked better than she had an hour ago. He could see she’d showered by her partially wet hair, and she was dressed a little conservatively for her in tight jeans and an oversized Detroit Red Wings hockey jersey. She looked good enough to eat, but then he remembered he didn’t have that right, anymore. He noticed that she’d reapplied her makeup. War paint, he thought bitterly.

  In coordination with his thoughts, he said sharply, “What can you possibly want? I fell in love, you didn’t. I lost, you won. You’ve proven you’re the stronger sex. Now please, go.”

  She swallowed roughly. “No.”

  Aaron lifted a brow at her blatant refusal of his request.

  “Can I come in?” she asked quietly.

  ‘Why not?’ h
e asked himself. ‘I’m already as embarrassed as I could get. She probably wants to apologize for how badly things turned out.’ Though he could have spared her from that. It wasn’t her fault she was everything he wanted and more. Figuring she wasn’t going to leave until she said her piece, he lifted an arm in invitation.

  She walked in, looking suddenly nervous as he shut the door. She didn’t speak right away, and he was in no mood to wait her out. “What is it?” he barked, making her jump.

  She licked her lips. “I lied earlier.”

  Aaron couldn’t think of anything she’d even said, other than to bitch him out for suddenly baling on her. “What?”

  She took a deep breath. “I mean, I shouldn’t have closed the door.”

  For the first time in a week, he felt a spurt of hope that she might actually return some of his feelings. But he didn’t dare assume. “Huh?”

  “I do love you,” she said quietly.

  But Aaron wasn’t jumping yet. He was sure there was some catch to her feelings. “Then why…?” He let the rest hang in the air.

  “I was scared to tell you. I was afraid you would laugh at me, and call me weak like all those other girls you’d slept with who fell for you. So I told myself I was just feeling sorry for you and closed the door. But I lied.”

  He took one step toward her now, letting the first wave of hope sweep through him. “You’re sure?”

  She nodded. Then she laughed at herself. “I’m scared. I’ve never felt like this before.”

  Another wave crashed against the wall inside him, this one relief. “Me, neither. But I think, together, we can get through it.”

  She smiled and nodded, then jumped on him, wrapping her arms and legs around him as he caught her. Their mouths came together in a desperate kiss, and Aaron felt the biggest wave of all, love, crash through him, completely destroying the wall altogether. “I love you,” he muttered against her lips.

  “I love you, too,” she said softly, pulling back to look at him.

  He saw everything he wanted in her eyes: hope, joy, relief, and love for him. With one arm beneath her, and the other hand buried in her soft hair, he carried her to his bed.

  Their loving was slow, dreamlike, as if neither could believe the good fortune that was suddenly raining down on them. They treasured each other, taking their time, knowing there was no need to rush, until finally the urgency, the need to claim what was theirs reared up, and they took each other fiercely over the peak.

  After, they lay together, neither feeling the need to jump up and run away. Gina’s head was on his bicep, her hair brushing softly against him as he ran his fingers through it just because he could.

  “You know, it’s nice not having to get up and run out,” Aaron said quietly. “I can enjoy the aftermath of orgasm.”

  “Mm,” was all Gina said, snuggling tighter against his side.

  “Our mothers are gonna be ridiculously pleased with themselves now. There’ll be no letting up from them, about anything. They’ll assume cuz they were right this once that they’ll be right about everything.”

  She chuckled. “Yeah.”

  Aaron waited a minute before speaking again, and when he did it was quietly, slowly, as if he were unsure. “I guess we’ll have to wait awhile before we get married. To make ‘em sweat.”

  Gina gasped and sat up to stare at him.

  “What? You didn’t think I was gonna let you get away now, did you?” His tone was playful, but she could see the nerves in his eyes. It went a long way toward relaxing her own nerves caused by his question.

  Smiling down at him, she said softly, “We probably should, just to serve them right. But I don’t want to wait. The sooner we get married, the sooner I can get off the pill.”

  Her meaning was clear, and where her own nerves sprouted from. He stared at her as she’d stared at him, his eyes searching hers, though she guessed he was likely searching his own mind rather than hers.

  Slowly, he relaxed, his legs, then arms, then chest, then shoulders easing back onto the bed. Finally, his face cleared of anything but peace. Then he sighed happily. “Okay. Sooner it is.”

  With a bright smile, Gina pounced on him.