I want everything of you

by Deborah Fasola

  "Perhaps you will come by the hand with her, but instead" takes the opportunity to settle me a shot. "Boyfriend" and hits where it gives me even more annoyance, as if she knew it.

  "Jaxon!" screams Caroline up.

  "Go to her, Jaxon, do not you see she's desperate?"

  I hate when I get called by my full name because they always called me in the family.

  I put my hands in my pockets and smile again, making a long rest to breathe, before speaking.

  "Why are you two friends?"

  "I'm not really anybody's friend" she replies promptly and decisively in the exact moment when Caroline appears at my shoulders, who, seeing us together, slows down her sums and looks at us curiously. Perhaps already insinuating who knows with the sole force of the look.

  We both watch her and the visual contact fade away.

  "What are you doing here? Do you know each other?" she shocked asks to us.

  "Me..." Talia is already stumbling and therefore save her.

  "We just met, by chance, well, then bye." I say, stretching a hand towards Caroline, who gives me her hugging just a moment later.

  "See you there, Tally, and move because in a few minutes we swim." Care tells her while I'm beside her.

  Talia no longer speaks, but I am sure that at this point she looks at the street, perhaps following our walk until we are accessible to her view.

  So not to make mistakes and to tease her a little more tightly Care in a hug and then I let a hand shake on her perfect ass, tight in the white of the tight fabric of her mini dress.

  And since I'm sure she is watching us crave what I'm touching.

  Care throws a certain yelp and i smile, sure of the effect I make on both of them.

  .10.

  Talia

  Of course Asshole.

  Disgusting will be a perfect name for someone like him.

  This stupid party is a Wil's idea, that obviously she had to see her Matt, but for me it was also a way to lear more about that Jaxon's life.

  I don't care a lot about him, of course, but i knew that Matt told to Wiley something about everyone of his friends and Jaxon- that finelly i know his full name- once was a student of my same university, but one year ago he leaved the university for just keep dancing.

  For this reason every member of his crew or friends- and him first-, they still roam the courtyards of my same campus.

  His girlfriend yet, that wants to be my friend- puah- and that apparently has just caught us, as if we were purposely secluded when i was there only to escape from the naked bath.

  If Wiley had not forced me to come, i would have been saved from that naked bath from the beginning, since Caroline had warned me.

  So now I just have to hide, it's a pity that with the force of a failed fate that Jaxon always ends up on my feet.

  As soon as I watch them go away, she is spanking and he is holding a hand on her butt, I sigh with relief but I also feel unusually ill. And alone.

  And I think about what would happen if someone gave me some more alcohol as a few nights ago, hoping not to end up in the wrong bed, though.

  I'm so sick of him or anyone else looking at me that way. Like the nerd, like the girl with mental problems who dresses and behaves like a moron, a misfit.

  If only they knew...

  I'm not like that, I've never been. But now that's how I must be not to show myself, not to show them who I really am and not to betray what I did. Maintaining a low profile is my biggest priority now.

  I remember that night, when I escaped to participate in that damn party.

  Those were parties that I lived as parties, when I was still clean, despite that was the same night when I ruined everything.

  The night when I lost my virginity, my first and last experience with the one I thought was love.

  The evening when I felt powerful, full of energy, a goddess.

  The night in which, with a little makeup, a miniskirt and a balconette bra, I destroyed my life. Indeed, all our lives.

  That's why i want to be the girl that everyone turns to look at, but at the same time i can't do this anymore.

  And nobody, except from Isaac, know this, this is the reason why he can take me and touch me.

  Only him, as wrong as it is.

  I come back in the crowd, however, because i can't stay here hide for all the night and i want to find Wiley to say her that now i want to leave the party, notice with pleasure that here on the sand between flames and music, everyone are dressed.

  I don't find her, yet, but Caroline finds me, after some minute.

  She runs from me with a very strange expression on her face and as soon as she is behind me, she grabs my hand and talks breathless with me.

  "Have you got the car, are you with the car, really?" she asks me wincing and i shake my head at that answer because i don't drive, no more. I don't drive from that night.

  "So we walk togheter. Come to me to the campus, do you want this?"

  "What? But we are too far from there, we'll arrive the day after tomorrow! Can i know what happened to you? And...do you see Wiley, maybe?" i look around, among all the people i wanted to meet, she is the one i wished to find in front of me.

  "Yes, she is gone away with Matt."

  Oh, fantastic!

  "Where is Jax?" and why you don't ask him to bring you back home?

  He has a beautiful car, i'm really sure.

  "Jaxon is an asshole!"

  Oh, very well!

  I swallow with difficulty and I am tempted to ask and understand, although I don't know why. Although I can imagine it and I think Caroline is right about this.

  "What's happened?" wow, i leaved the monly ten minutes ago and he was pawing her!

  "We had a fight" Caroline sniffles and looks away, maybe finding him. I find him instead.

  I don't want to finish to be the only friend for her with whom to confide and the stupid girl for her boyfriend to making fun of, the candle in the middle, of course, but who knows how i think it's really what's going to happen.

  Sigh won. "If we'll find Wiley, we'll come back without problems."

  I fell in the middle of a mess. I fell like spare wheel, i fell like noone.

  Always that of rest, the one that advances, what comes next.

  It happened inside my home with Lily and mum and dad, it happened more after she is dead, it happen with Isaac and it will happen always with someone else.

  Caroline blinks her eyelids from the long black eyelashes, made voluminous by a chilo of rimmel, and I, sighing, extraneous me trying to listen to the sea. I record the sound of the waves, I inhale the salt, I look for peace, observing in the invisible point where one touches the dark sky, at the curve of the world.

  Perhaps on the other side of the earth everything would be easier.

  In the multi-universe probably there is the perfect me, that born with a good life, what that didn't do nothing bad.

  Maybe away from here i will have a life and the other me, in another time or dimension, now is happy, she is naked and runs away from her big love only to play.

  Here, instead, it's my supposedly great unknown love that runs away from me and it doesn't find. Because ipotetically speaking he would not want me either.

  "Drink up" i suddenly say to her, jumping up as if i were already revved up.

  "What?" she returns, coming to look at me while she was lost in something. And the expression is critical, maybe believing that i'm a fool.

  "Yes, think! You drink like a sponge, you don't think about something and you have a fun" as soon as I finish saying those words happy, I would bite my tongue because if I accept I will lose the chance to melt it from here without making thin figures I would like to avoid.

  So at this point, since I made the omelette, I hope at least that Caroline refuses and obliges me to go with her, that drag me elsewhere.

  But she does the little mouth to the butt of a hen and then becomes pensive.

  Finally, when she returns to speak
, she looks at me, changing expression, as if she were reassured or even happy.

  "But you know that you are right?" she suddenly says.

  "Ehm... really?"

  "Yes! I'll get drunk and i'll have a fun. And considering that Jaxon hates the girl drunk, i would say it's a good way to take revenge."

  "Oh really? He... does he hate them?" mine it's was a good way to introducing me to his boyfriend, yet.

  But basically what do i care?

  The wind ruffles our hair and I place them back behind my ears as she shakes her head like a diva.

  She resembles me very much, or rather, it resembles me that gold in high school, the first one of me full of mental saws and problems, the one that was cool and daring, while now she seems to have regressed to a larval stage.

  "A very, very good idea, my friend" Caroline already says to me before bringing my hand and come back in the crowd.

  Friend?

  This will be a long, very long night and something tells me that, besides having to escape from the "naked" bath in the ocean that sooner or later someone will inaugurate and everyone will do this, tomorrow i'll have to also stand Jax's hate that certainly will affect me and my wrong ideas.

  And he hates me just too much to deserve also this.

  But what's happened to my life in some day?

  Before i was ugly but more or less quiet, done by Wiley and black room that yet was an error.

  Now it's a huge mess because of those clear eyes and this girl.

  I go down in the crowd while she gets drunk and i dance side by side to her while she loses control, finding at that point to take care about nothing.

  We'll think about tomorrow, now i want just turn out tought and breathe.

  .11.

  Jaxon

  I can't believe that it's really happened.

  I walk up and down in the corridor, upset, with my hand between hair and the anger that presses.

  "Say to me again how it happened, Maddy!" i massful ask to Care's friend, but without stop to talk.

  "Oh my God, Jax, i don't know, okay? I really don't know. She is coming back at the dormitory from the party. More or less two hour ago. We heard she screams and we runned outside, the campus was desolate and silent, and with her there was only a strange girl that was in panic. Caroline cried and said that she was fall down. She was on the soil indeed. I don't know well how she did, i only know that when we looked at her leg that she said to not being able to move, it was swollen like… like..."

  "Like the penis of and elephant!" Betty says and both of us look at her very bad, dazed.

  "It was very swollen" Maddy corrects the shot and then continues.

  "And above all it was purple. So we brougth she here and that is all."

  "Hell, hell, hell! Just the leg!"

  "She'll get right, be calm" Betty adds, and i sight, starting to move like a freak.

  Is it so bad to say I'm not worried about her as much as about the competition?

  Dancing is all I have and that's left to me and the race is the only thing that could make me win all that money to go away.

  The leg... just the leg, damn it!

  In a fit of rage, I kick the basket in the hospital's light, aseptic corridor, next to the drinks vending machine.

  That rolls loud on the ground and Care's roommate and university classmates jump.

  Let it not be broken...

  I swear and at that moment a doctor-or a nurse- who comes up from beyond the door of the medical room and looks at us.

  "Are you the relatives of Caroline Tucker?"

  I sketch forward to his words and nod without adding anything, so upset that I have to make him tenderness because he smiles.

  If he knew why I'm reacting like that, he would find me diabolical rather than romantic.

  " Keep calm, she is well, she just has a broken leg" in saying so, he raises his hands and shakes them as if to want us to, to reassure, but at those words i go out of my mind.

  God, the leg is broken!

  I'm fucking.

  Fucking.

  Finished.

  I put my hand on my face and i sit down on the first chair near the wall.

  In one word i'm desperated.

  Noone can take her place.

  Noone can take her place.

  Noone.

  I think only this matter, so when the doctor asks me if i'm right i nod to him and he smiles and says to me that i can see her and that everything goes well. Again.

  But nothing goes well, for nothing.

  I enter in Caroline's room after, upset by this thing and when i see her with the leg plaster i want to scream.

  "Oh my God, Jax, forgive me. I think that i do a huge mess" she says to me, repetant and painful for sure, with swollen eyes of tears that have dominated her for a long time, holding out my hands because she wants me close to her.

  It's seven o clock in the morning, i passed the night in white and now i'm more mad then ever, so i'm come close to her and i keep her hand but i have an absolut need to know with who i have to take it.

  So i sit on her bed and i try to talk with a merely calm, i do this slowly, and this thing serves me more than she.

  "Do you want to tell me what the hell happened?" i aks to her enunciating slowly my words. She looks at me dismayed and unmade, and her makeup flaking and after the night in white i don't see her beautiful like she is.

  It happens always like this to me with girls, as soon as i see them for what they are i don't sell them for a dollar.

  "I don't know, i don't remember. I only know that i arrived at the campus and the i fell down. I was too drunk, you are gone, you was angy with me, you told me that thing that..." she bursts into tears and the carrion sales to me.

  Yes, i know, i said terrible things but, God, she was behaving like a fool! She drunk too much, flirted too much and she still insisted that she was with me!

  We are not really together, but if she says this and then she'll behaving like this she destroy my reputation!

  I'm not the type of boy that want an impeccable girl, i only hate bullshit, instead if at the end, as you wanted to prove, my exstence is rubbish.

  And without that prize i have nothing.

  Nothing!

  I fell the veins of the temples throb and my headache gets worse. I leave her hands because i'm nervous and i'm hot, here it seems like being a fucking sauna.

  "Maddy and Betty told me that you was with someone."

  "Talia" she says. "It was just Talia, the girl that i knew a few days ago. The girl to beach, do you remember?"

  As i listen that name i turn my eyes towards the sky bacause, as if i felt it, the knowlegedable even in this thing, which is the worst thing that could happen to me, i am not surprised too much.

  "I was always with her this night, and don't think to weird things. She had this mad idea to get drunk to not think and so... i believe that i'm fall down on the stairs or in the garden, i don't know... something like this. I remember too little, however."

  The blood goes to my mind.

  It's not that i feared that Care was with another man, the only thing that alarms me is herd that she has a broken leg.

  And that ruin world Talia is in the middle of this thing.

  But where did that little girl come from?

  And what does she want from my life, a part from ruin it as i already seen to be doing?

  I believe that she brings bad luck, at this point.

  I'm furious.

  "I can't believe" i say at the end, disappointed. "How many time do you keep the chalk?"

  "The doctor said one month, more or less."

  "One month!" i scream.

  One. Month.

  Comment repeatedly with those two words inhaling air from the nose and widening the nostrils beyond, to oxygenate the brain and not lose the reason.

  "And about three weeks there will be the match, i know. Jaxon, i... I'm so sorry! But i don't give you up for some bullshit or because i'm a s
hit, i'm ill, look at me, i have a broken leg!" she cries while she says this word.

  "Oh my God, this is not true!" i muttered in extemporaneous, letting myself fall backwards on the chair next to bed.

  Inside here there is the smell of ether and my failure.

  "I'm so sorry... but you can. You can do something yet. You can dance with someone else" Care is fruit if she advises me to replace her.

  Also because a dancer like her is already itself very dificult to replace, let alone in such a short time and with alle the girls of the crew out of the game.

  "Don't say bullshit, please, Care" i muttered put my elbows on the wooden armrests of the chair and, look at the white bed sheet that i have in front of me, i try to find in minor time possible some solution that i can't find.

  I'm finished, i'm forced to stay here, to undergo to what my brother and my father will oblige me to do if i will continue not to run straight as i'm doing.

  Without that money is the end of everything.

  "I truly say, Jax! You can find someone else!" the spoken cry of Caroline is about to trigger me and I keep from sending she to the devil only because the door of the room, creaking, is opening slowly.

  " Look, Jax! She can do this!" she suddenly enthusiast says and turn up her voice.

  So i stand my head and look in the direction of the door that she points even with the arm outstretched and the pointing finger.

  And Talia, that was entering but she was probably stopping because of that esclamation, looks at us weirded without saying one word.

  And it's better for her that she doesn't say anything, since as soon as i see her i jump up and i want to eat her in a bite.

  I hate her.

  I see her swallow.

  "What do you think, Jax?" Care asks to me, which apparently doesn't attribute any fault to her.

  " Not even when it will snow in hell" i say, made by ice.

  " Sorry. I'm going here when it's possible for me. I need to wait for Wiley and i... oh, Caroline, i'm dismayed" Talia ignores what we were talking about, luckly, and comes towards us uncertain because however she notices my strange reaction.