I want everything of you

by Deborah Fasola

"Yes, right..." she closes the door on my face.

  The door of her stupid all pink room slams and clench my fists with indignation, but when she does this i already forget what she says to me.

  What is the door that i need to open?

  I groping aroun in a long, wide corridor that makes my head spin.

  She is growing up here, but what did I expect from someone who can not move two steps without stumbling?

  One that makes the bones break the perfect dancers, rich like her but ten thousand times more smart?

  My phone rings again and I ignore Matt because I'm looking for the room I have to find, maybe I should just go to my house.

  But I stay, I reach a door lighter than the others and open it because I believe that that is the closet, instead it is the room of another person.

  Another pink room, but less confection than Talia's.

  I look around for a few moments and then hung on the wall I notice the giant photo of a girl with light hair that looks like to Talia but she is not her: she is much more cool, if possible.

  I did not know she had a sister.

  In order not to catch me sneak up I close the door on the fly and look for the right one that I find a few steps later.

  I dress what I find to capturing it from the closet and at the end, trying to dress me dry and serious, I look like a fool with a kind of senile-colored overalls as in the worst clichés on fathers and girls fuckable.

  Too bad that Talia is not fucked, but her sister yes.

  Who knows if she is at home.

  I try to tame the pig that is in me and once I get dressed and after having once again put on my watery shoes, I come back to her.

  I knock at the door and she lets me in. When I see her she wears her usual dark and shabby clothes again, but the dry ones.

  "My God, Koala, put something more cheerful, let's sweep away the old man's illness now, we have to instill positive energy." Talia turns, looks at me and smiles, but only half.

  God, it seems that he is already at his funeral.

  "He talks the guy with the shit pants he teases me like always and this thing is one of the things that I like about her." Now let's go, mum was already calling us "she adds approaching her bed.

  "Does you sister come with us?" at that question Talia stops to fold the t-shirt that she has in the hand and slowly turns in front of me with her head.

  Her expression is too dark and upset that almost scary me.

  What the hell i do now?

  "Wh-what do you say?"

  My hands seat, God, and to omeone like the hands never sweat.

  "Nothing, forget it" i shake my hand behind my face but she doesn't forget for nothing.

  She spears with force the t-shirt on her bed and that she points me and, like a bull that looks red, she comes towards me. And when she reaches me she pushes me with the hand that puts on my chest.

  "What do you say!"

  This girl is too mad.

  "Hey, calm you, right? I don't say aything, don't be hot..." i want to send her to fuck but she has that damned eyes full of tears and i feel that the earth under my feet wobbles.

  She's about to collapse. I'll fall down and she will laugh madly for getting rid of me.

  But not now, no. She doesn't laugh.

  Talia is bad.

  She wobbles again, loses the balance and she still leans on me so as not to fall.

  I hate her because she pushs me away, but i grab and tighten her to make it stop, because I know how it all when you turn around and you're the only stop because you do not know what to do.

  I know how it feels when you lose your reason, when the pain is too strong to be able to govern.

  You need someone to take it from and now it's what I need you to do.

  I want incredibly to serve something to this young woman, or I could go crazy.

  She's wiggling a little while in my arms, fuck, if she's a rebel. She's a little bitch.

  But I do not give up

  I keep it.

  I tighten it.

  I feel it.

  Then Talia lets herself go.

  And he cries.

  The click of the door behind me makes us jump and her mother buy at the door, grimacing when she finds us in his room embraced.

  It's natural, who fuck i'm for them?

  "It's time to go" the Miss says to us, atonic ad anaffective like all rich parents of spoiled young girls. But Talia doesn't seem like this.

  Now she dryes her eyes and looks at me in strange way. She doesn't seem spoiled, she seems wound by life.

  Destroy. Lost.

  "Lily is..."

  "Talia!" her ungry mother screams, so Koala signs, moves away, pushes me aside and goes over.

  Something tells me that i'm just busy in a huge familiar messy and that this is a long, very long day.

  Nut i'm not Koala, and for such a strange reason, i thank her to be here.

  To not let her fall down.

  To not let her to collapse.

  I take her.

  I want her smile come back.

  .19.

  Talia

  This day was a such, but what did i expect from a day that start like this?

  I feel like i'm crumbled and what makes me feel worse is that of all the things that happened, of all the things told, he knows.

  He knows that Lily was existed, he knows in some way that i had a sister.

  But also about this, what did i expect bringing him home?

  When he came to take me on lesson, this morning, i wanted to try to fight my limits and i brought him to the lake.

  That lake.

  The lake that i missed, the smell of good thing that there isn't no more that oppressed me, and in some way with that catartic bath something has melted, it's a pity that after it was immediately broken.

  It's a pity that i wished this, this morning on the bridge, on the lawn or in the water.

  I wanted that he kissed me, i wanted that he tightened me and saw all my signs, all my pain.

  That he knew all my secrets.

  Yet when I realized that Jax understood that there was something shady in my life I withdrew, I got angry and I ran away.

  We've been at the hospital since that moment.

  Since he was in my room and asked me about Lily, since Mom heard us and then brought us here.

  I saw dad for only five minutes, he is stable but he is in serious condition and I do not even know if he has understood that I am there, if he were conscious enough to notice me when I entered the room.

  I hate hospitals. ùthey smell of death and I have the phobia of the black imposter.

  On one thing Jaxon is right, though: life is a moment and we should not waste time, although

  I'm losing a lot with him now.

  I have not talked to him since he asked me about Lily, but he's been here all the time.

  Even my mother asked me to talk to him or send him away: he could not find it anymore, sitting on the bench, silent and frowning.

  Standing in front of the drinks machine, I put the Australian dollor in the appropriate compartment and sigh.

  I feel empty of negative electricity, i'm weary, hungry and thirsty and that damned drink doesn't come down, it's like te drinks machine had stuck in the same way as mine.

  I beat my hand on the glass, the empty corridor fills up of my hate expressions.

  It did not have to end this way. As long as I feel a second hate for someone i love and he dies.

  As long as I'm happy for a moment, something bad arrives.

  All right, I do not hate dad, not really, and he's not dead, but...

  Sbam!

  Another slap to hat damned contraption that stole my money, when and hand comes out of my shoulders and stops mine that is about to hit the distributor again.

  He wraps it, tightens it, immobilizes it.

  I do not need to turn around because I would recognize that tramille scent. That touch.

  So he moved, finally.
>
  Sighing with a shrug, it hurts me that Jaxon wants to take care of me somehow.

  Nobody ever did it, not even me. And although I know that it is only for that competition, it triggers the same of the feelings that I would not try.

  Because trying something, feeling, is the scariest thing a human being can do.

  Feelings are illusory and bring with them only the evil that they will leave when one day will end.

  Because everything has an end.

  I turn to Jaxon slowly, weak in the arts that are now giving way all together.

  I am exhausted and when I find him in front of me, he smiles at me and has a face so beautiful that I like even his teeth, his ears, the look he has and I can not understand.

  He holds my hand and I am terrified that the shirt, though it is as tight as ever on my wrists, slides up, since he is taller than me and is raising my arm to his chest.

  "You have to rest," he tells me in a moment.

  Goodness, I want him.

  That certainty destabilizes me because I can not want someone like him.

  I swallow but the absence of salivation scrapes my throat.

  That's why I used to damn that damned Coca Cola.

  "I'm fine" I pretend because the alarm is triggered and now I do not think anything but stay away for me to pass that crazy idea.

  "Maybe I should take you back to campus, your mother told you a thousand times to go in. She wanted me to see it and you did it, staying in it and destroying it will not cure him, on the contrary it will make you sick."

  Jax does not let go of my hand, in fact, his thumb closed on the back of this, while he speaks, I touch it slowly.

  I can not reason.

  The neon above us wobbles and his figure that buy and disappear in the shadows, makes my head spin.

  I know why I'm here: because I'm afraid that tomorrow my father will not be there anymore or that he will leave without me. I'm here not to go too far from his goodbye. I'm here because I'm a coward.

  There are but I remain far away, on the sidelines, to cry on me.

  I fix Jax in the eyes and I know he's worried because I'm his new fucking escort dancer, which I should not be or do anymore, but somehow his presence is a refreshing balm.

  "Do I have to make a call, do you mind?", Suddenly the light that is above us is rekindled and, as if it were an illumination in my mind, shows me the way.

  I do not know why but now I know what I need to stop thinking about all this shit or collapse.

  Jax frees my hand and I move away quickly, then turn in the corridor and I see at the bottom of that the figure of a mother sitting on a bench, alone.

  I do not know why she is still here as well, since dad is stable and must remain in a confidential prognosis without the doctors allowing us to return; maybe she does it because she fears that she is not there and is afraid that he will fly away. Yet by tomorrow doctors will release the diagnosis, they assured us.

  Well, it's clear that this is not enough for either.

  We are far away, I think, just because staying with us is too bad for us. Especially if inside a hospital.

  Dad is sick and we do not know if he will recover and we do not want to leave him alone.

  Lily instead flew away, like that, alone and because of me.

  At that violent thought, even stronger than ever, the urgency of making that damned call becomes urgent.

  I move away from Jaxon and as soon as I do, the air returns to my lungs. I viber.

  I must not. Do. So.

  Not with someone like him, it is absurd and unsuitable.

  I stretch out into another corridor and reach the waiting area, I pull the phone out of my pocket, where I stuck it before, after having exchanged words on words with Wiley, who even wanted to reach me, at least until I knew who I was, and I dial his number.

  It's one of the number that i remember because i can't save it in the in the phone book even with the the wording "Isaac phone".

  It's his personal phone.

  The personal phone of my terapyst.

  From the other side the line is free and as soon as i realize this, i feel that i have the accellerated pulsations.

  I always believed that this was a positive thing but now i ask to myself why calling him i start to feel agitated insted of feel in some way safe.

  Every fucking relationship of my life is a huge caos of feeling that i don't know how to untangleand that block me.

  Once Isaac told me that i'm blocked because i don't know how to go under and i rest too much to dwell on the past, but i realize more and more often thatit is not me who is blocking, but they are.

  Everyone of them.

  Maybe i'll be better alone, i could go too far from here, begin in another place, from zero.

  What a ridicoulus tought.

  "Talia, this is not a good moment" he knows who is calling him as soon as he responds to me, probably he is a terapyst anche he can save my number with the wording "Talia", one of my mad patient.

  Maybe he saved me with the number of clinic case, since he knows it in his mind and he repeatedly admitted that i was one of his most particular and delicate cases.

  More interesting. So much so that he even took it to bed.

  So delicate that he fucked me as soon as he could.

  I clasp my cell phone hands and pige it hard on my ear.

  "I have... I'm at the hospital."

  "Are you OK?"

  In his voice there is not the urgency that I expected, the more the need to conceal his phone call to anyone - it must be his wife - because he speaks fast and subdued.

  "I'm here for my father."

  "What happened?" quiet, he will pay you.

  "He had a heart attack."

  "Do you want me to come there?" sure that I would like it, the thing that amazes me is that you ask.

  I am frankly shocked.

  Does he hold on to me?

  Or he holds only to his money or to my pussy?

  Or what? What?

  I'm going to lose the reason and i breath quitly to bring it back.

  "It's all okay, i'm not alone. There is my mother here and also a friend's college."

  "A friend college..."

  There is a bit of annoyance when he repets my words.

  "Yes, i'm going to talk you about him tomoroow at the sitting" i continue to increase his feeling that i hope not to imagine myself alone.

  Since we're something, he and I have never experienced jealousy, and even if I do not want to try it with Jax, I like that.

  "Come before, tomorrow afternoon."

  I know that is a coded sentence to tell me that if I arrive early we'll fuck.

  "An hour before, do not take commitments" I greet him and close the inversion.

  Here's what I miss in a moment like this: orgasm.

  The alcohol, the dance, anything that allows me to detach and not think, to forget who I am and can shape me, remodeling another me that I like best and that is not the patient loser, the killer daughter, the sister nobody's evil.

  As I walk back to my mother, it seems stupid to me to have put the dance to alcohol and sex in my thoughts a little while ago, but I smile because it's a nice thing, although it's so new.

  In the middle of the journey, finally, I find myself in front of Jax.

  "Your mother ordered me to bring you back" she tells me before I can talk to him.

  That at that point I nod because now I want to leave too.

  Out of the hospitals, the disinfectant, the beep beeps of the machinery I expected to hear but I've never heard before and they terrify me; away from the treatments that were not there for her. From the possibility of salvation that she could not have.

  "Did you call your boyfriend?" At one point Jax asks me, as we move towards my mother, to greet her.

  "He is not my boyfriend."

  "He should be here, at my place."

  I think so too but I snort and I do not tell him, on the contrary I grab him at that s
tupid dad's sports jacket - which makes me a little impression in seeing him on him right now - and I drag him to the corridor with me.

  After helping my mom, I'm finally out of the hospital with Jaxon.

  "Heck, it's already night," I say, scanning the sky dotted with stars above us.

  In that exact moment a message arrives and Jax hardens the jaw.

  I read and chuckle because I need to relax the muscles, on the other hand dad is alive and everything will settle (or at last it will be, I want to be positive).

  "'Wil. She just informed me that she is in Matt's room, so she asked me, if I saw you, to hold you back because apparently she would have stayed with him tonight, is that so?"

  He laughs too, and they pass a hand on the back of his head. "Yeah, it's like this: So what do we do?"

  I look at him and decide that it's time to make me a little his business.

  "You're not a student at the university, why do not you ever go home, Jax? And at your place nobody seems to set foot..." as I ask him, he suddenly looks at me, sideways, and does not smile anymore.

  "Don't talk about what you don't know, Tally. Come on, i bring you back to the campus, you have to rest."

  When Jax starts to walk, i struggle to keep up with him, above all because I'm dazed, tired and I start to feel unwell, perhaps because of the crazy day we've been through.

  "You do not want to go back because of your father, so why did you stop attending college?" all of a sudden I want to know and I ask him again.

  And I'm stubborn, behind him but only to tamper, I'm curious and unsuitable, and I know that at another time I would not do all this.

  "Shut up," Jax continues, but I do not give up, I even have clenched fists.

  The air is warm but I shudder.

  "Look, Jax, I do not know what happened to your father or your family, not everything at least, but do not leave him alone."

  "You do not know anything," he says between his teeth without stopping. And it even grinds them.

  "Yes, it's true, I do not know, but just because you do not talk about it... Stay in your shell and the other day you pulled me just because I came into your house" at that point nails on his heels and turns to me of face, with the distorted face in an expression of pure anger.

  "Oh, I'm so sorry if I do not have a mega villa with waitresses and various bullshit hovering in the air, me!"