I want everything of you

by Deborah Fasola

  He vomits anger that today should not try him but me, given what happened to me.

  That same rage that I too, through a fantastic move, I'm projecting on my dance partner not to try it in my turn. And he welcomes it, in fact, he is the victim.

  This is certainly the description of the picture that would be Isaac talking about me and my countless defense mezzanines, my pathologies, and this time would be right.

  "Do not blame me because my family is fine, so?"

  "And so those like you disgust me, and not because they are rich and spoiled, but because they have everything from life and do not know what suffering and pain are even when their father is at the hospital after a heart attack. Those like you disgust me because sometimes, bored by their perfect life, they redeem to be able to save us like me. Be, as you can see is not possivile because of the abyss infinit that there is between us. Like you can never reach, Miss I make the cocks of others. "

  But now it's bad and I stop because his words dig me and touch where it hurts. I'm like a violent fist on the nose, to be honest.

  They put the blade inside the only wounds ever healed that my soul has, those that are not visible signs on the body and of which I am ashamed, but pains that I can not free myself from.

  "I know what pain is, Jax, you're a deluded egoist if you think you're the only one who has suffered this world, and you even give it too much importance!" as always when the going gets tough, I run away and I do not really tell him anything.

  And so provocative I become a gazelle fleeing.

  I'm going to walk faster, with the breath that I have since the first step because of what I have screamed and I do not know where I'm going, but I just know I have to get away from him and his forked tongue.

  It is at this point that Jax calls me.

  "Tal, come here, where the fuck you run away" I'm not running and yet when he tells me I want to do it.

  I run away, through the road without checking cars or dangers, and I head who knows where, as long as it is far from there.

  Far from him.

  I'm sure he's not following me, sure that he can not reach me, I'm about to turn the corner when someone grabs me behind and pulls me in a violent and compulsive hug.

  "Leave me alone!" screech wound.

  Do you have a sister?

  His nagging words come to the surface.

  Jaxon holds me in his arms and his smell moves on my clothes.

  It is as if he were brandishing me.

  He tattooed my skin with ink as if to make me understand that he will always know how to find me from today on wards and that, in some incomprehensible way, I will always come to recover if I run away.

  I should not expect much from him but he is out of breath and as he shakes my head at the height of his chest I feel how strong his heart beats.

  I know he ran but he is an athlete and should not beat him like that.

  I feel like crying but I do not want to do it. Not now, not in his arms, and yet my psyche and all my nerves have been put too much strain in the last twenty-four hours and I'm exhausted.

  "You're right, I do not know, I do not know anything about you" my mouth presses in my hair and my whole world is shattered.

  I bared my eyes as if he had just slapped me.

  That kiss burns like another hot brand.

  I want to push him away, I want him to leave and never let himself be seen again.

  I want you to stop doing me good and bad together.

  He is complicated and I can not afford it.

  I am a huge mess that I do not want him to really know.

  Nobody can do it, I can not allow it.

  "So tell me, Talia, allow me to come in, tell me about yourself, tell me everything," he whispers in my hair, a step away from my thoughts.

  And he tightens me stronger.

  I will suffocate here, so I will not have to worry about it anymore.

  I'm sure it's a good way to die: he's hot, estranging, delicate.

  "They diagnosed pancreatic cancer to my mother when I was fourteen and she died shortly after that discovery, as I told you, in the hospital and in my arms, since then my brother, who at the time had just finished university, he moved to a distant home and with the insurance money he created his job and slowly a life away from us too and I was just conpapà that collapsed day after day, Tally, and I could not do anything.

  At first he met a woman in the self-help group, but I was too young to accept: Mom had been dead for a year and he slipped into other beds. So I started to go crazy to get his attention. Small thefts, quarrels, I was expelled from every incuivenivo school, in short, an endless series of daily shit. To finish high school I changed nine schools. He collapsed a little at a time until that woman stopped attending him because of me and we changed. My brother has gone away and it is since then that although we spend money to keep us, it is distant and seems to disgust his memberships. Dad is an amoeba that I can not handle anymore because in truth I've never managed it. I always left it alone. And I, well... I am this that you know, I have dedicated many hours of my life to social services for everything I have combined and in the face of pain I do not know how to react. Only before yours, today, I had everything clear.

  Instead I left my dad like a coward and now I've made the vegetable it is. Here are my sins, Tally. This is my disgrace." He decided to open his heart to me, continuing to hold me tight and in the middle of a viasconosciuta.

  And sighs distressed after those last words.

  He is suddenly the one I really know and he's offering me a little bit of himself.

  Yes, because Jax knows what the pain is, but it's not an evil secter his. Not bad as mine, instead.

  But he punched me, too much that i don't breath.

  So i try to detach me from that unsolicited hold and raise my face to his.

  I realize that i'm crying only when his hand loosen the grip and with the thumb wipes my cheek, crawling it over it.

  He smiles, tighten the jaw and i feel him vibrate.

  "What is the story that makes you feel so scary about the world?"

  "I'm not scaryed from anything."

  "So why you always run away? Why if i touch you, you tremble? Why do not you show yourself for who you are?"

  I don't know how he finds the strenght to tell me his secret, but i can't say nohing to him, he would run away and i don't want this now.

  I'm fine here and i don't move.

  But Jax fixs me with an expression mostly suffering and then he turns to sigh like he has a physically suffer and only my word could hel him.

  And, God, i really want to do this.

  His glance becomes serious and intent, his face so close.

  I want to vomit.

  His hand slips from my face to the back of my head and a sob of tears shakes me.

  Maybe i tremble, maybe i smile, maybe i breath.

  O maybe i'm died yet.

  Jax's mouth is near and these are the thing that i really desire.

  I desire it so strongly that I believe it is the thing I wanted most from the moment of my birth until today.

  He breathes on my lips an inch from me, in the middle of the silent street.

  He leaves me the space to run away but this time I do not think I'll run away.

  Oh my God, maybe I'll make a bad figure, but running away this time is really out of the question.

  Fortunately, the hospital is nearby.

  Then everything is reset and there are only the stars, above and around us.

  Because Jax smiles and approaches.

  Because Jax breathes me and then brings my lips to mine.

  Because I finally let myself go.

  Jax is kissing me.

  He is kissing me, the most improbable of human beings.

  The one with the most messy life, with more secrets in the world, the one that can never give to anyone,

  Jax anchors himself to my uncertainties and wants to pull them down, he wants to over ride everythin
g, destroy everything, and yet those are resistant and they also support him.

  And they hold that kiss high up in the clouds.

  I feel my breath snorting from my nose as he tries to repeat it.

  Squeezed to him is a game of lips and tongue that makes me excited and struggled together.

  So he touches my lips and then his tongue looks for mine, he plays a second and lets it go immediately to repeat that sequence again and again, to steal all the material breath.

  It does not stop and I do not even stop because I'm sure we both fear when the moment ends and we fall to the ground.

  Will the embarrassment cite neighbors or make us run away?

  He is afraid of wanting to run away or to let me do it because I serve him, and now that I know more about his life, I also know why that damn competition and that money are so necessary.

  The hands resting on his sides still tremble for an instant and then, I do not know how, but everything fades.

  Become soft in his arms and I just want to be inside a bed with him.

  Too bad that shortly after Jax comes away from me, staring at me, stroking my face and then smiling at me.

  "Come back to the campus" he says to me, without forcing me to reveal anything about myself, without accepting how i accepted his secrets.

  Without making me say something more, as i want to do.

  I show him my battle's sign and the scars of every my fault.

  I would have wanted to show them, but the perfect moment flow away and untill Jax detaches from my body, the wall come back to close myself, estrange me from the rest.

  It's like it's my personal damned shield, that it activates indepedenly of my will.

  We don't say more word but just a second after Jax gives me his hand, that i keep without reticence despite i has already fled far away, and then he really brings me to the campus and he makes sure that i also enter in my room.

  I was alone when I wanted to ask him to stay with me.

  As soon as I get into the room, the anxiety grips me because I know that Wiley will not be back tonight and although I'm usually happy to be alone, this time it's different. Everything is different, everything, and in fact, I first.

  I put my hand in my pockets after having lashed my pack on the ground and rested firmly and thoughtfully staring at the shoes still wet at my feet.

  I need a shower, I think I could call Isaac because I know what it would take me now.

  Although it is mean and in the end I do not.

  Unexpectedly, however, after half an hour standing in the dark in the middle of the room, I suddenly grab my cell phone and do something really stupid and impulsive.

  T: CAN YOU COME HERE IN MY ROOM? I'M ALONE AND..I DON'T FEEL VERY WELL.

  What a bullshit, it's clear that if i tell him and i'm not well, he will come.

  Jax will come.

  In fact, no more than two minutes pass and his answer arrives.

  J:KOALA, I WAS SLEEPING, WHAT'S HAPPENED?

  I quick dye, as if he ruined behind me again.

  T:WHERE WERE YOU SLEEPING?

  J: HERE, BEHIND, ON THE LAWN.

  T: THAT IS ABSURD, IF YOU NEEDED A PLACE TO STAY, WIL'S BED IS FREE. HOWEVER NOTHING SERIOUS HAPPENS TO ME BUT... I DON'T FEEL VERY WELL.

  J:I DON'T BELIEVE IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO SLEEP THERE WITH YOU, BUT I'M COMING.

  T: DON'T WORRY, I FEEL BETTER NOW.

  Oh my God, why i send him that message? It would have been better if he had never left me his cell phone number, but when he went to the gym and asked to contact us for training, I could not say no.

  I hold my breath and think but then, in the end, I write the last message on the fly, with the urgent need to stop it.

  I mean, I kissed this guy and now I'm asking him to sleep with me.

  I must have freaked out after my father's heart attack.

  J: IT'S TOO LATE, I'M OUTSIDE YOU ROOM.

  His last message flashes on my telephone.

  I turn to the door that, even if the room is shrouded in the shadows, I see very well and the fixed intent.

  I approached it, as if I were walking on the eggs.

  I do not know if I want to do it, if I want it here, but it was me who called it.

  I only know that I can not sleep with him, we just met.

  And I kissed him too, damn it!

  I put my hand on the handle and I know he's out here.

  It's as if I felt it before opening and ascertaining it.

  I know he feels what my body feels the same way, that's why he came.

  Suddenly I do not feel anything anymore, I do not think any more about it.

  Neither to my father in hospital, neither to my faults, nor to my body marked.

  Throw the door open and he will buy me in front of me.

  He smiles.

  "So, what will we do?" he asks me again starting from which he was remaind some hours ago, with a shrill voice and too high, and with the risk to be looked here outside.

  I look around and i drag him inside bringing hin from an arm and laughing, even if i don't deserve it and i don't want this.

  "Shhh" I whisper while I do it and the second later he too was engulfed by the signing of my room with me.

  And I'm trapped.

  .20.

  Jaxon

  Talia's room is dark like her soul.

  I know that i don't think this while i'm here, but i do this.

  Today everything is happened. We danced, we kept so close, i saw her suffer, i was at her home and then i felt her pain.

  I gave her mine like it's an universale language for us, the only with which we could have talked and it fixed.

  I kissed her.

  I ask myself what my head said to me in that moment, but i believe that it's right what it's saying to me now, because i'm in her campus room, in the night and i'm alone with her.

  The difference between before in the hospital and now, it's that kiss i stoled to her with my pain, to win that prickly pain that was digging me because I recalled it and gave it to her, while now she called me to come here and I know I just have to distract her. First I wandered in the dark, and now that I'm in darkness really, I know what to do. Even I can not go wrong.

  Tally is not bad, just afraid.

  "You shouldn't come here."

  I laugh. "But you called me."

  She lughs too. " I know but i called you only because my heads turned before. It was a very long day but now i feel better" she says lie very bad.

  I look at her and she is beautiful even if i see only her dark shape.

  She is true.

  Full of merits despite all her defects and i'm learning to know, and until now it was the only that i saw in her.

  But i know very well that this isn't a matter for me, that I should not kiss her and especially that if I do bullshit I will not be able to participate in the Street's Black Game. If I over do it, it fades everything and I can not afford it.

  I can not. Do. Bullshit. With. Her.

  Stop.

  I do not speak more submerged by these thoughts, so she does it, as if she were impatient.

  "Well, since you were sleeping on the lawn, can I repay you for what you did for me today?" she winks at her friend's empty bed and does not have the courage to turn on the light. She has ambivalent feelings and desires, since up until a moment ago he wanted to send me away immediately.

  God, what the fuck is she taking me, why would I want to go into his bed instead of the other?

  I desire her and I perceive it from what I feel pulling between the legs.

  "Okay..."i comment like an idiot. "But your friend will not get angry?"

  "Well, she took your place..." as she says she looks like she's playing with the sleeves of her shirt, it's something she does often when she's nervous.

  "Did I disturb the prelude to a sleepy?" I ask, groping towards what I believe to be her bed.

  I feel I have invaded every thing of it: I have the clothes of her father who
is going to sleep at the hospital, I will sleep in the bed of her friend who is not there and finally, worse than all the rest,

  I kissed her.

  One like her, as much as I have learned to know her, I do not know if she will be able to forgive me all these things when her lucidity returns.

  But basically I do not care?

  I just have to take her to the competition.

  I have to resist and be nice to her up until then.

  Oh, and do not let her get away with my bullshit first.

  And the desire for sex that flashes on my forehead would be one of these.

  It's just not possible.

  "No, but I absolutely have to give myself a shower, " she says, staring at me in the dark.

  What would I give to fill it and discover it now.

  To get those clothes off and see what's underneath.

  Every. Centimeter. Of . Her. Fucking. Skin.

  It will be all white and smooth as that of the legs that I ate with eyes that day at the commercial center?

  I do not have to think about these things. Absolutely not.

  I winked from them sitting pretending indifference and making a super-human effort to not ask for the shower with her.

  Fuck, who knows how her skin must be under water.

  I wink towards what the bathroom must be, of course.

  "Will you be good here alone?"

  "I'll be good" I answer and I really would not have to do it.

  It would only be an extra fuck for me, but a release.

  Sleeping here will hurt my balls.

  I feel so tense and frustrated that I want to scream.

  What the fucking idea was to come?

  Talia turns on the lamp on a bedside table and then approaches the drawers, opens it and takes out something looking at me disillecchi.

  Something that immediately hides in my arms but that I saw, God!

  I look down and fix my hands as she slides to the bathroom and closes it in there.

  The knowledge in which the underwear keeps disturbing me and at the same time makes me want to open the drawer and see what it hides.

  Castigated or sexy outfits?

  God, all this sexual tension will send me to the asylum.

  Who knows what she thought when I kissed her.

  Who knows if now she's in there confused and agitated as I am out here.