I want everything of you

by Deborah Fasola

  And I let him do it.

  He takes me with enthusiasm, bending me against his desk and entering me without preliminaries nor compliments, venting all his anger, just as I do. And when I come, violently, thinking of all that is not here and now, I put the papers lying in my hands, rubbing them all together.

  Immediately afterwards I turn to him that the condom is being established, full of his incredible masculinity, he smiles at me.

  One to zero for the doctor.

  "And now, Talia, let's sit down and tell me what's wrong" says last and this time I know what's wrong with my life, really.

  For a start I killed my sister.

  Later I spent six months of my life in a psychiatric clinic.

  And now I'm going to get my doctor.

  How could a life like mine be good?

  .23.

  Jaxon

  Caroline with the leg's chalk is become definitely unbearable.

  Not that it was all before 'carnival, it's clear, but i'm in her room from two hours and i really want to escape from here.

  I'm going here only for the sense of guilty, among other things useless, becouse she is in this condition not for my guilty and because she doesn't serve me anymore because i have Talia now.

  Talia.

  I shouldn't kiss her. Spend the night in her room and watch her sleep for two hours before dawn.

  Tell her every fucking thing about me.

  I'm a moron.

  "So, tell me, how does Talia dance? How does she move?" and she comes back here too, in our conversation, as if it were a curse.

  "She's a bit stiff, but she's a thunderbolt to learn the steps, memorize every last detail. When we're dancing seriously it's harder for her to melt, but I'm not crazy, I can teach her to let me go, to make her understand that she can do it, I'm on horseback. "

  "Could she become a better dancer than me?"

  "Nobody is better than you" i lie, because Talia has the potential to become one and you can see that she has always done gym and sport. She is soft, gymnastic, light.

  She knows how to fly, although she limits himself a lot, certainly only psychologically. And then she's young, just like Care, and young minds like ours can learn things more easily and move with greater capacity, they're better at everything. There is a lot of potential in Koala.

  "When will you try with others?"

  The other dancers who will cite choreography in ten days.

  Sigh full of hope.

  If I could win all that money, I...

  "In a few days, I'll just see her to start the real ballet..." I'll leave her breathless tonight, so she will not even think about it.

  "Will you give her money?"

  "She did not ask me anything, if we win, I do not think I'll give it, she's rich and she does not need it."

  "Like me, i did not need money, but you repay me with sex... Does that mean you will do... so with her too?"

  I laugh. And how much I laugh!

  Okay, Care is special and for me to have done everything and I was a sort of prostitute, but what did I care, right?

  For us men it is different, and the only idea of fucking and being a pharynx would make anyone throat... I understand them gigolos. Only it never happens to us that I offered to Caroline.

  For me Caroline was only that: a sex that, besides making my public image better during the flash mobs and the damn competition that would have won me everything, it made me feel good and I needed it.

  And who knows if now I can win with Talia.

  For that I had to repay in advance. Care with a lot of oral sex, but with Talia?

  No... with Tally I would not even know it, I would not touch it, I would not like to dirty it.

  I swallow that thought.

  She is so pure that it would seem to me to stain her.

  "She 's just your substitute, I'm not going to have a sex with her" shrug my shoulders but Care looks at me like someone who does not believe a word of what I'm saying.

  "So, why do I have the feeling that the unlucky girl will make you come to grips more than I foreseen and that you are the first one in crisis right now? " I get up from her bed because I do not want to be too close to her.

  "God, Care, you speak just like a fucking friend of mine! I did not know you were talking about hard cock like you too..." I try to laugh but this time I get too short, because it's true, I'm in crisis and if I think about Talia gets me hard. So hard that hurts me.

  I saw that curves, yesterday at the lake.

  With the water soaking the clothes, her whole body has become clear even if she has always remained covered.

  I feel a kindness that i hate and i want to drive away that feeling when i'm with her, and when she isn't with me i slacken my wrists from what her thought alone inspires me.

  I'm really fucked.

  "I will also speak foul-mouthed but from what you are absent today, I know so much that I'm right", pouts and I really do not want to take it away as I know she would like to hear other paranoia.

  I rise up and I kiss her on the forehead.

  "You do not have to worry, okay, or even make useless paranoia, now I have to go, it's very late and I'm going to the gym."

  "Yeah, right with her... what a case."

  "Get that plaster and dance with me, then, so you could see where I would send Talia, if that was possible" I go to the door and I wink at her.

  I would do it? I do not think so.

  I want to find out who Talia Cohen is.

  That's why I'm so attracted to it, there's no other explanation.

  "Yes, no," Care grumbles and I know this will make me pay: I left without even giving her a real kiss.

  But we are not a couple and I would like her to understand it.

  Each on their own way.

  "Bye, baby."

  "Asshole" she greets me like this and she is right.

  Because yes, i'm an asshole.

  I go out from that room and i run towards the exit of the campus. The gardener looks at me badly because maybe he is the only that understands that i'm exploiting this place in whic i don't belong to.

  I greet him with two finger on my forehead, then i jump over the hedge that he is pruning and run towards my moto.

  The gym and my future will wait for me.

  And it has nothing to do with me that I'm going to her too.

  I bring the engine up and run in the sun that is high in the sky like a madman, and when I get under the building in the center, Talia is already there.

  "You are early" makes me close with a set that immediately stimulates my most sinful thoughts.

  She has a black suit that leaves no room for imagination because it highlights even the mountain of Venus the under and above a long-sleeved shirt that I would like to lift to see how round her breasts are.

  I'm a lousy but she's playing cards that should not with a pig like me next to me.

  I keep calm always because I need it, I assure the bike and then I meet them once.

  "All right, your father how are you?"

  She nods. "Better, but it will be operated in a few days. Mom told me to go there and made sure to add not to take you with, "she laughs, dissolves the tension, yet watching her I see her strange, tense, suffering, almost as guilty .

  Then I reach out and put my arm around her shoulders and hug her a little while as I force her to walk towards the stairs leading to the gym.

  "See, I noticed that she loved me from the first moment" Talia, however, is not rigid, in fact, now laughs and gets guided.

  It smells good on me and I should not even think about it.

  "Oh no, love at first sight!" she comments giggling as we enter the designated place shortly thereafter.

  "I change a second, you warm up as usual, then we leave right away, today we are serious."

  Tal nods, so I go to the bathroom and wear something suitable for sweating, which at the end consists only of a pair of breeches.

  I certainly do not want to prov
oke her but it will be hot and we will dance until the end of our breath. Until the end of forces we'll have both.

  I go back to the gym with my bare feet and I notice how she looks at me as soon as I arrive.

  I approach and it seems my nemesis: I always with less clothes possible to make me look and feel free and she covered up to the ears.

  Who knows what will have happened to her.

  "Okay, I'm ready", she puts himself in front of the mirror but has red cheeks like a pepper. She notices that I look at her and becomes impatient. "Then?"

  Okay, princess, now we're serious.

  I put myself next to you.

  "Do you remember all the steps?" nods. I take the stereo remote from my pocket and pigeon the Play button.

  My CD is insidere there since the last time and the music starts after just one second.

  We beat the time with head and we fix each other from the mirror.

  We are perfectly in unison with the rhythm and after a moment also with steps, not yet we start to dance.

  "... Five, six, seven, eight" i beat the rhythm but she is amazing, it's apity that she is already rigid like a handle of a broom. "Tal, dissolve yourself, you are too tense" i say to her before jumping and observe how she does this.

  She is already red in fece, even more than when he saw me getting half-naked.

  I grab her by the hips, rhythm the time counting aloud and feeling the sweat that beats my forehead and then the facio twirl in mid-air, fatiguingly seeing how much stiff even in flight.

  So i put her on the ground and then turn off the music, this time without a remote control, but only extending and pressing the button.

  "That's not good, you're making me double the fatigue. You need to dissolve yourself."

  She impatient looks at me, she is out of breath and seems to be panting, i should leave this bullshit but the excitement goes up even if i'm scolding.

  "'Fuck it, Jax, this is the best I can do," blabbering breathlessly and breathing her shoes.

  "No, it's not true, just for starters you think too much: do not think, follow the music, let yourself go. It's like when your heart beats, you do not think about how it beats or why, yes, the dance is the same thing " i go in front of her and smile at her. I fix she directly in my eyes and I demand that hers do the same.

  I have to establish contact.

  The dance is contact.

  "Do I have to make you drink to melt you, as Care say? And yet the other day at the lake you were a fairytale" i tear a smile and lift those eyes liquid and live to reject them in mine.

  She wonders what we are now that we kissed, i'm sure. Where we stayed and where we will go.

  She wonders if i will kiss her again and God fulminates me if i don't want it, but forgives me for my need to do this and much more, right here and right now.

  I quiver.

  "Does she really say this to you?"

  "Oh yes... relax, Tal. You should take off you shirt, even. It makes a hot hallucinatory and if you sweat too much, if you warm yourself too much, you will do less because you get tired of it more."

  My folly leads me to stretch a hand towards the bottom edge of his shirt and how I do it, she screams and hits my wrist with a slap so strong that leaves me stunned. Paralyzed.

  "Don't touch me" she backs away.

  Is this the problem?

  Who did hurt her so much?

  I don't say anything but i understand her and i fix her.

  "Sorry, i... I don't want to hurt you, sorry. But don't touch me, Jax. You are..." almost growls shaking her hand behind face. "God, You are a huge mess! You must leave me in peace, Jax. I hate all of this" she is going to collpase, i see it from the lower lip that it's trembling hile she talks and from voise choked in her throat.

  And i'm here ready to collect her and put her pieces together, even if i don't know the reason of her collapse.

  "You hate all of this, what? Dance? Our deal? Me? You can hate everything, Koala, do it too, but know that we are not what we are demonstrating today, or yesterday. I hate myself as you withdraw and as I desire you, but I love all the rest of us. "

  "There's no rest, Jax, I'm just this one! "

  "Oh, no, there's always something more, Tally, it's never full laughter to pay the bill and to close the games, and here the games are not closed, they were not yesterday with that kiss and they will not be even tomorrow if you will leave now. "

  I take a quick step forward and before she runs off again, I grab her from hips.

  She just wags for a moment and is not very convincing.

  "Can I undress you?" i fixed her in the eye, deeply.

  I understand what her Achilles heel is and I just want to provoke her to make her dance. To make it react.

  Yeah, but who do I tell it to?

  We stay like that, suspended on the edge of the ravine, where the salvation of my weird question is a yes and the end is instead a goodbye.

  I know that I exaggerated but I had to move her, I had to make her waver, because you can not take steps forward if you do not lose your balance first.

  Talia is now losing him.

  And she trembles.

  She opens her lips but before she can send me to the devil I cover them with mine and then i hold her, i kiss her, i want her and i can not contain myself because I'm cursed.

  I'm a demon.

  And I want her.

  And then i undress her.

  .24.

  Talia

  It's late evening, the gym is empty, silent and it seems a furnace ready to eat me.

  The light is on and also the sun filters weak from the skylights of the basement where we train.

  This hole in the center is so decadent that no one uses it anymore.

  It's all in full view, all bright and Jax is about to undress me.

  I pant but I'm not scared.

  I know he sees me and I really want to melt.

  I want it so much that I tremble.

  I think I just have a sex with Isaac and I think what a bitch I would be doing it also with Jax today, but I want me to get undressed and see me now.

  I want he to see everything he has been trying to understand for days.

  I'm sweaty but I do not care, he gets on me after a very sweet kiss and with his hands he climbs me from my hips at the shoulders, forcing me to raise the bails that touches with firm and light hands, taking away my shirt.

  I hold my breath as if I were going to die but it does not happen, I do not die, on the contrary, I am more alive than ever.

  It has never happened before, but I stay with that stupid suit that will forced me to wear and that has thin straps and I signal shapes.

  My arms are open now.

  I'm naked.

  More naked than I would be if I were without underwear and under him, and I cry.

  I find the courage to look up because Jax takes my hands and turns them around.

  Does he disgust me?

  Imagine, will you understand what I did?

  I'm lost.

  Shocked by the spasms of tremors and tears, I find myself in his eyes and fall down.

  "Is that why you hide of yourself?"

  I'm afraid of going crazy or fainting or dying when he asks me to.

  Now he will run away.

  Now he knows who I am and I lost him.

  I'm interested in so much?

  Yes.

  And I miss my breath.

  I nod, muffling a sob of tears, and my head begins to pound at the rhythm of my emotions.

  What the hell jumped in my mind?

  Jax sighs and then lowers his eyes on my wounds.

  Those deep, horrible furrows that rise up my arm to my elbow from my wrist.

  There are two, one for both of my arms.

  They are the ones that I have self-inflicted, long and deep, because only in this way I thought that someone could really die; otherwise, the cut of the veins horizontally on the wrist, that is a method of mammoles that only want to a
ttract attention and I did not want to do that.

  I wanted to die.

  I swallow because Jax is studying me and when I lift a finger and touch a scar, my breath and heart are blocked.

  No one had ever touched my mistakes and my faults.

  I thought that if it ever arrived that day it would have made me very bad and instead I feel like a light tickle inside the soul and out.

  "Why did you do that?"

  "I've been in a psychiatric clinic for six months because of this" I know I did not answer your question, Isaac would have pointed this out to me right away but I can not.

  I can not.

  There is no instant when you do not try to say it aloud, but I can not do it.

  "You do not have to hide, never again", he says and then looks at my face, eyes and mouth.

  They do not care those horrible signs anymore of why they are on my ruined body.

  "You're beautiful," he adds with the glance cut off by emotion.

  "I'm a mess" I would like to retract my arms, hide and run away, but he keeps both of them and, instead of letting me, pulls me towards him and puts his lips to my face.

  I take a second to understand that he has just caught my tear.

  Oh my God, who is this boy?

  At this point we are close, too close.

  "Can i undress you?" he asks me again, pressing against my pelvis with his and making me feel how much he wants me.

  Have not my faults repulsed him then?

  Ask me again what they are, Jax. I want to tell you them.

  But he doesn't do this because he doesn't want to insist nd he doesn't want to hurt me.

  "Yes" i simply say, at the end.

  Doesn't matter if he will take off all clothes, either, it's what i want.

  The idea of make love with him, here and now, sends me out of my mind.

  That's how I should die, not thanks to a razor blade.

  And that's how I should rise again.

  Jax throws himself on my lips and pushes me towards a pillar.

  If it collapsed we would die under the weight of the cement, so why now that he is knocking down my load-bearing walls, I am not collapsing to the ground, but I hold on to him even more?

  With my arms out, his hands on my breasts and the mirrow against my back, I finally let myself go.