I want everything of you

by Deborah Fasola

  His lips on my neck, a moan from mine.

  His touch between the legs that open a little and they still want it.

  I'm making a mistake but I can not resist and I will not breathe if he chooses to stop.

  If he does not want me anymore, I feel like I could die.

  "If you want me to stop, I'll do it."

  "No, please, go on, go on forever" every time I come back from perdition and I realize that my arms are naked on my skin I feel like dying but it passes immediately.

  For years I have not touched someone without clothes on.

  It is strange and beautiful at the same time.

  Jax pushes the straps off my overalls and tries to expose my breasts to his desire, just in the moment when we hear footsteps.

  He stops, I stop and try to catch my shirt.

  It is far away and nobody can see me like that.

  No one except him.

  The moment of madness ends, someone goes down the stairs and then goes into the locker room making a lot of noise, Jax moves away from me and I feel like dying.

  While I remain attached to the column he looks towards the door, then reaches my shirt and throws it at me.

  I take it on the fly, I wear it upset and watch it go to the stereo.

  "At work, little girl" he says to me with a sweet smile, displacing me with the speed with which he passes his passion to dance, perhaps because for him they are the same thing.

  I, on the other hand, am still upset, with a red face and a heartfelt.

  Anxiety in the throat.

  Joy in the soul.

  But I do it. I do what he asks me.

  Work. Dance.

  With the strength of the excitement that dominates me and the unkindness of the way that Jax has seen of me, that for sure at the moment will dominate his mind.

  I really dance, i dance very well, so much so at the end of the trial, even though i have my tongue low, he also beats me hands.

  "So it isn't alchool that dissolve you, it's sex" Jax laughs come again too much close to me.

  Someone enter in the gym right in that istant but we are lost to fix each other intensely.

  Jax knows, he saw and he looks at me really in this way?

  How it's possible.

  "Do you want to do it again with the final grip?"

  I nod.

  "It... it's all right?" he asks me again.

  "I hope yes" i persuasive whisper, even if anything goes well.

  I'm embaressed.

  I know that he will aks me again why i did this, why i wanted to die, and i know that i will lie or he will run away from me.

  Granted that if he does not run away before, he will want to have sex with me and undress me again and I know that at the end of all this he will throw me away.

  That will hurt me.

  But basically loving is running this risk, and this is one of the few things I know for sure of that feeling.

  In any case, even though we are no longer alone, we continue to dance together.

  So we can touch each other, so we can feel it again and again, for many of the hours to come.

  I dance like crazy and the final grip takes me even more.

  It's like I'm dancing all over, I feel it in my blood as much as I feel in the blood Jax.

  In the end, haunted and pleased by myself, ignoring the rest of the horror that has dominated this weird afternoon, I am an enthusiast.

  "Do we re-do tomorrow?" I ask him like a fool.

  "I have a half-time commitment with Matt tomorrow."

  Oh my God, do you flee already?

  "I have the last exam the day after tomorrow but I'm there in the evening, only eight days are left..."

  "The day after tomorrow I have another half-commitment ..." we are drying from the sweat and I drink like a sponge.

  Water, just water, fortunately.

  "I understand ..." I do not insist, he has every right to run away. He's kind only to not even fuck the competition, I know.

  It is normal that this is so.

  "But thinking about it... you could come with me!" he claps his hands, lights up in his face and smiles at me.

  "What? And where?"

  "The day after tomorrow I'm having dinner at my brother's and sister-in-law's home, and they have a wonderful garden where we could try, not to mention that it would be convenient for me to have someone next to me in a similar way."

  Heaven, this guy is all crazy.

  "I do not know if this is the case... your brother, your family, you know..." it's strange that he's asking me, was he so reluctant to talk to me about himself now and now he invited me to dinner with his brother?

  "I know, but your presence will really help me" he comments going to the locker room, this time he first.

  And here the arcane is revealed.

  "What will my presence help you do?" i ask him out loud and the guy who is here with us and who has started training looks at me very badly.

  "Not to kill him and endure him!" screaming Jax from the locker room to which I start slowly while i speak to him.

  Here, very well, i expect an evening with all the trimmings, not to mention that he will use me for its purposes and that he saw me naked.

  As no one has ever seen me.

  The stomach does a somersault and goes upside down, he plays pinball with my neurons and my body tends.

  It is only the heart that never does what i say and fight it stronger telling me, against all odds, to be happy.

  He implores me to force me to consider him.

  I can do it?

  I do not know if it's granted to me but i smile and let it talk a little more, because for once my heart is telling me nice things, it's telling me I'm beautiful and that Jaxon is crazy about me.

  I know i'll regret it but i decide to listen to him.

  At least for the next crazy forty-eight hours.

  .25.

  Jaxon

  I'm frustrated like never in my life, but yet i feel... happy?

  Is this the feeling that happiness give to us?

  Naaa, what a bullshit!

  Also because if i think about this night date i salt the bile of my stomach at my throat.

  I hate my brother but she will be with me.

  Oh my God, she...

  I go around my room as anesthetized, I just feel the hatred and desire that mix, and I can not figure out how to dress and settle down to not look like a complete idiot, or a misfit in the eyes of my family.

  I have to make a good impression on my brother or he will send me to hell somewhere. He can do it.

  "Jaxon, the fish, the fish, the fish" continues to repeat Dad.

  He has not been invited.

  My brother is a selfish asshole. Just like me.

  "The fish is fine, Dad," I shout as soon as I open the door of my room for wearing the boxers after the longest and coldest shower in history.

  I have yet on me the smell of her, memories of what i want and i shouldn't and i couldn't bring.

  My father interrupts my tought tonight because he has in his mind his red fish, as i see.

  Ha had it when he was a child and in this moment he is focused on the belief that it is still alive.

  Life. Death. Love. Mum's death made dad like this, and a little bit the sons.

  Distant, we are all distant and misunderstood. Alone.

  Three men that despite they have the same blood that flows in the veins, they abandoned themselves.

  The idea of not being alone is frightening me.

  Talia settled in me and showed me herself. She showed me how i could be with her.

  She allowed me to see.

  God, why did he do it?

  Who else knows? Her parents, her sister... Wiley?

  I stretched out her arms the day before yesterday and I understood exactly why she always keeps them covered. Perhaps there is more, perhaps more than the other that I still do not know, yet it is all so obvious.

  Talia has attempted
suicide.

  I would like to ask her how she managed to deface herself like this.

  How much has come close to death and why.

  For who.

  But at the moment I feel I do not have to ask her anything.

  But I think of it, it is useless to deny it, and those scraps come back to me all the time; they are two imprecise cuts, with jagged edges, a sign that to get hurt, it has been very busy. Who cut, rubbed, inflicted strokes to her arms repeatedly.

  A sign that while one of them was open and dripping with blood, she used the same swollen and wounded arm to hurt herself to the other.

  Only this should make me run away with legs, should light a huge luminous insignia as a sign of danger and open my eyes, but I do not know the whole story and I can not judge and above all - especially! - I can not go away.

  But not because I need her for the race, but because I want to stay.

  Even if I am one that never remains.

  Tally came in under me.

  It 's like when all the bad things run away and only the beautiful ones remain, even if they are beautiful we do not have much.

  But it's just that rest of us that is beautiful.

  All the rest of the things we are.

  Complicated, destroyed, broken, still break here.

  Together.

  And I want her.

  I want everything that belongs to her.

  I want everything about her.

  A noise interrupts my convulsive thoughts.

  I run into the room because time of dad, in fact I find it lands, confused.

  I throw myself to the ground on my knees and reach him.

  But he is vigilant and when he sees me he smiles.

  "I picked up the fish," he says with a trembling hand.

  "There is no fish, dad, thare is nothing here" i have him put his head on my legs and hug him.

  He looks at me in confusion and is so sad as I have just revealed to him that tears sting my eyes just like his own that already slide down.

  What am I doing here alone?

  How can I continue to endure so much, but above all how can I take care of him?

  "There is not?" Daddy cries.

  I am afraid of giving in and I am too, and I can not.

  Damn it, I can not give up.

  "And now who will tell your mother, son?"

  "There's not even her anymore, Daddy." Mum is gone, they've all gone... All of them... "I finally give in, I cry, I hug him, I squeeze him and cry.

  And not because mum and fish are not there, that I already know a long time ago, but because what happened is that the doctor and the other his son - the good one - have been dreading for a while: senile dementia and dad arrived now there is really no more.

  Maybe it's better this way, maybe now he's with fish, with mum, he's here at home with us and at the same time in every place he wants to go.

  Brain degeneration is one step away, I know, but at least now he is happy.

  Then I smile, too, in tears.

  I am a tiny little bullet inside a big hoop that I can not dominate.

  Just a little point.

  But that will never stop fighting.

  ***

  It's six o'clock when I pick up Talia with Malik's Jeep, a friend who lives near us and occasionally lends a hand with my old man.

  He told me not to get the seats dirty and he made me laugh but he did not go far from what I would like to be the reality of tonight. Not that I want that, it's just that I want to take Talia on the beach, after dinner, and let her listen to the sound of the sea.

  That maybe it's stupid but that's okay, because far from everything, maybe she will talk to me.

  I engraved her cuts and frightened soul in my mind and I need to understand, though I do not have to.

  I look forward to sending you a message in the campus parking lot.

  I would be dishonest to say that I'm not nervous and excited together.

  Nervous because? What the fuck am I doing?

  I'm taking you home to my brother's cock for real?

  At dinner, soon.

  Which is a bit like presenting her parents.

  I save my conscience only at the thought that i need her, for the dance competition, but also to save me tonight.

  If I think I'm using her, it's easier and scares me less.

  WHERE ARE YOU?

  I type fast on the phone.

  A second is enough to receive Tally's answer.

  RIGHT BEHIND YOU.

  I turn around and she is there, behind the Jeep, behind me.

  And she is beautiful.

  .26.

  Talia

  The wind in his hair and his eyes that occasionally look for mine.

  Is this the noise of happiness?

  The rhythmic intertwining of the beating heart, the unknown music that resonates from the dashboard, the roar of the engine and the road.

  I do not know why I'm going with him to this dinner, I do not know why he invited me.

  I do not know why he kissed me.

  And undressed.

  He saw all of me. All.

  And i allowed him to do this.

  His eyes on my mistake burned.

  I don't know how he did, but something told me that it was the right moment, that he was the right men to do that thing.

  I don't believe that it was like a cure and, even if today i don't dress the most female and beautiful dress that i have, i have a long-sleeved shawl that hides my faults from others, the pain I inflicted on myself, my personal punishment.

  I only know that he now knows what is underneath them, yet he is here by my side who smiles at me, drives to his brother's house next to me and this time not because I serve him for that damn competition, but because he wants it.

  I have such profound signs, such cruel scars, so unpardonable faults, that I believed no one could ever look at me without finding me ignoble and horrible.

  But he did it.

  Jax, even before Isaac, was able to undress and see me and there was no judgment in his eyes, he wanted to fix things, I urgently need to know by curiosity and greed.

  He did not have the impelling desire to adjust me as everyone does, as if I were faulty.

  Because I can also be broken, but my unchangeable and new condition has no pretense to be settled, but only accepted.

  Jax accepts me.

  I look at him and he laughs.

  " Are you nervous?"

  "Not me, and you?"

  "I would not say, even if it's never easy with my brother.

  He claims to have the monopoly on my life and these dinners are to check that I stand straight, more than for the sake of being together. He wants to see that it's not done, make sure he does not make me like a bum. "

  "Why only you?" I'm a damned meddling but i should ask him because what little i know is touching and strange.

  "How?"

  "Why was your father not invited? Also from you, i intend. You preferred to bring a stranger."

  "Because he doesn't ascertain how my dad is, he knows yet. It's because he is unmanageable enough and my sister in law is pregnant."

  "Oh, but it's beautiful" i think, but in truth i don't love baby either.

  "Yes, especially because he is the son of others" he turns, smiles at me and once again we are on the same wave length.

  Do you know when a moment is so perfect that it scares you?

  When you hear an agreement so deep that you ask who is pretending, because it is impossible that it is all true.

  Here, this moment is all that.

  I look at Jax and realize that all the things I've always wanted to experience I'm living.

  Understanding, understanding, the ability to understand.

  To see.

  Passion.

  I do not know what exactly matters between us at the moment, I only know that I am here, now and in this perfect moment, that leads us to rummage for the rest of the trip until we arrive in front of a h
ouse in East Melbourne.

  Jax parks the Jeep in the drive and when he turns off the engine he turns to me, he lets his eyes glide over his face, without any modesty, then he winks with a smile.

  "You're a fable, tonight."

  I wonder if he brought me here just to pretend to be more normal with his family, i don't know and I think that in the end I do not care, that's okay so.

  "Oh and... before going down, I forgot a little detail", he bites his lower lip, assuming a puppy expression that has just made a little prank.

  "I attend the college" he informs me between his teeth and then pulls the key from the dash, pretending nonchalance.

  "What?"

  I goes down from the car so i do the same, but i point him with glance and i don't loose him of sight.

  "Here they know that i'm already attending college."

  Oh God.

  "Jax..."

  "I know, but... i really need that money, Tal, for my dad. With his only board and that of my mother we do a little. Dad need almost constant assistance and i need to live."

  "And your brother doesn't know about all this thing?"

  He nods. "He knows, but he does the bare minimum. And for how many it is incorrect, i take the rest in my way. Fortunately, nobody checks if it really is so and when it happens, well, I suppose it will end all."

  I do not agree, but who am I to judge?

  Then I sigh and, a step away from the house that is preceded by a small little girl, nod and smile.

  "You're the best, Koala" he leans over, grabs me from the waist with an arm, pulling me towards himself, he kisses me on the lips.

  A very long electric discharge of propagates from my mouth to reach every nerve end of my body. The limbs, the bowels, the heart.

  I can not regain control that he has already rang the bell and only now I notice that he has a normal pair of jeans and a shirt on.

  Not his usual sweat pants that are wide and often worn out by the wear of time, not the shapeless and dirty shirts.

  He's holding on to this moment or it's how he has to live it to survive and I know what it means and having to pretend not to die again.

  I put myself next to him and he reaches out and grabs mine, just a moment before the door opens.

  "Guys, what a pleasure to see you!"

  A beautiful woman, with a round belly and a short coral-colored dress, appears before us with the air of those waiting for both.