The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists

by Gregory Peart

  things. Aren't sure what trait to work on? Ask a trusted friend. And to all the "but we can't change our

  personality" people out there, you're wrong. Everyone changes. Everyone grows. Make sure you're growing in

  the right direction.

  10.

  BOSSES DON'T

  FORGET THE

  NONVERBAL

  The difference between interesting and boring, powerful and weak, engaging and tiresome is often simply the way you use

  your voice.

  During the first 30 seconds of any first impression, your voice and verbal communication will be on full display.

  Luckily, most of the first things said are quickly forgotten: the pithy statements, the small talk, the platitudes,

  and so forth. Research finds that how we say things is often more important than what we say—especially

  initially. Try to recall a time when you were in a meeting with someone who had a very confident and

  impressive presence—do you remember anything that person said? Probably not much, right? But you

  certainly have a memory of how that person made you feel.

  Newsflash—half the stuff that so-called "interesting people" say isn't all that interesting! They're perceived

  as engaging and interesting because their tone and delivery make their words sound interesting. It's often that

  simple. Some people possess an amazing power to engage and charm not because they're smart and contribute

  insightful comments, but because how they say the words is interesting and engaging to the mind.

  We often laugh with friends not because of the content of what they said, but because they say it like it is

  supposed to be funny, or because the mood is already playful. Often, we start smiling or chuckling before the

  other person finishes because they are telling us something with such great enthusiasm and levity that we

  expect to laugh, and we often do just because it feels like we should. However, if you were to write down what

  was said and read it again later (I have mucho experience with this!), the words are often not very funny on the

  page.

  The success of a joke or story always comes down to how the words are delivered, and not just the words

  themselves. Some of the lamest jokes and dullest stories can sparkle if told by great communicators. I once

  worked with an associate named Jane who frequently told stories about her young children. The actual story

  details were incredibly boring, but the way she became absorbed in the story and told it with such dramatic

  energy is what always made her stories so engaging.

  The opposite is true too—you may have brilliant comments or great stories in your head, but if you express

  yourself in an uninteresting way, don't be surprised if others find you boring.

  Of course, it's impossible to be interesting to everyone all of the time. Unless you're a pirate or rock star, we

  don't live lives that are perpetually exciting. We go to the grocery store. We watch movies. We clean kitchens

  and take out the garbage. (Well, some of us do!)

  Luckily, the simplest of statements, such as "That was great" or "I like that," come to life with engaging

  nonverbal delivery. Upgrading your nonverbal skills will instantly revitalize your current collection of

  comments and make you more engaging and interesting when simply saying the same things you've always

  been saying.

  Remember that time you felt socially embarrassed or ineffective? You may have obsessed for hours over

  your word choices and whether you said the wrong thing. The problem may have stemmed from how those

  words were spoken.

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Start learning to control how you say words. Bosses know how to adjust their voices to match the situation.

  Bosses can quickly pivot from deeper, more confident tones to softer, friendlier, tones depending on the

  situation. Make an effort to inject more life into some comments over the next few days—see if you receive a

  better reaction than you were expecting. For more specific nonverbal practice activities and techniques, check

  out my book How to Make a First Impression Like a Boss.

  The Tuna Sandwich Exercise: Repeat the words 'Tuna Sandwich' in as many different ways as you can. For

  example, say it lovingly, happily, snidely, shyly, angrily, happily, etc. Aim for at least 20 variations. Try again

  with another phrase. It's important to learn better vocal control.

  11.

  BOSSES MAKE

  OTHERS FEEL

  GOOD

  Your likability boils down to how you make others feel when they're around you.

  There's an interesting phenomenon that's been observed by people who have interacted with American

  presidents and the best chief executive officers (CEOs). Everyone who meets them comes away with a similar

  impression, "I didn't think such an important person would pay me any attention, but I was made to feel like I

  was the only person in the room, and there seemed to be genuine interest in talking with me." Many great

  leaders treat each interaction as special: they give their full attention, they bring a positive energy, they're

  interested in other people, and they seem to light up with each person they meet. It's one of the reasons they

  were able to climb the ladder of success: they made everyone feel special.

  Curiosity is one of the keys to initiating great conversation. I'd be remiss if I didn't include at least one

  quote from Dale Carnegie, the author of How to Win Friends and Influence People:

  You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by

  trying to get other people interested in you. Which is just another way of saying that the way to make a friend is to be

  one.

  Your efforts spent improving your personality, appearance, reputation, accomplishments, and social skills

  don't automatically result in likability. Likability will always come down to how you make someone feel when

  they're with you. (Likability is almost universally critical unless you're a famous musician or actor—but I have a

  feeling you're not that famous, at least not yet!) Additionally, you could be a great person, but likability

  requires action. If you're not expressing your great personality, then it doesn't matter how cool or interesting

  or engaging you are on the inside. And if you act uninterested or self-absorbed around other people, you won't

  be very likable either. People want to feel as if they matter.

  How someone feels around you is connected to their desires. Be cognizant of the two primary levels of human

  desire:

  1. Shallow desires

  2. Deep desires

  On a shallow level, people want to relax, learn, play, laugh, be entertained, and generally enjoy themselves

  without stress. The deep level is the heavier stuff—the average person wants to feel loved, respected, valued,

  and listened to. They want to feel like their opinions and feelings matter.

  Bosses are dynamic. They offer value across both levels— shallow and deep. They offer excitement, energy,

  and positive attitudes. They look toward the future, they inspire, they uplift others around them, they offer

  entertainment value, they seek to help others, and they are interested in what others are saying and doing.

  They're genuine, trustworthy and respectful.

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Start becoming hyperaware of how you make others feel on both levels—are you providing value on a shallow

  level? Are people able to relax around you? Do you know how to play and laugh and tell interesting stori
es? Or,

  conversely, do you bring down the energy? Do you get defensive easily? Are you vain and boastful? Do you

  create stressful situations or challenge people too much?

  How about with the deeper levels? Do people feel they can trust you? Do you make them feel listened to? Do

  people feel like you respect them? There's no reason why you can't act like a president and light up upon

  greeting people. Put some energy behind your initial words and a big smile on your face.

  12.

  BOSSES FOCUS

  ON EMOTION

  MORE THAN

  FACTS

  Learn how to have more meaningful conversations and form more meaningful connection.

  How do you achieve truly meaningful conversations? The question has vexed millions of people. As you

  probably guessed from the title of this chapter, emotion is kind of a critical piece of the puzzle. Meaningful

  conversations are simply more likely to occur when you focus on emotion more than facts. After all, emotions

  and feelings make us human.

  I've coached many analytical people (often in IT or engineering fields) who have strong tendencies to focus

  on facts and data in their social interactions. Being out of touch with their emotions was the common

  denominator for why they struggled to form deeper connections with others and have more engaging

  conversations.

  If you feel like you aren't connecting with enough people on a deep, meaningful level, then that means you

  probably aren't including and addressing emotion in your conversations. Your conversations may be too

  analytical. Let's look at an example conversation focused on data:

  Dave: Hi, my name is Dave, what's your name?

  Michelle: Michelle, nice to meet you!

  Dave: Yeah, likewise. So, are you new around here? I mean, I haven't seen you before.

  Michelle: Yes, I started here last Monday, so it's only been eight days so far.

  Dave: Ah okay—I see, I have been here three years so far. I'm in the Training department. What department are you

  in?

  Michelle: Hmm okay, I'm working upstairs in the HR department on the second floor.

  (awkward silence)

  Dave: Well, okay, it was nice meeting you, I'll definitely see you around.

  Michelle: Thanks, see you later.

  The conversation wasn't bad. In fact, it was a good initial conversation, and Dave deserves props for even

  starting it. But do you see how this conversation went nowhere? Why is that? I hope you're screaming out loud:

  "BECAUSE THE CONVERSATION FOCUSED ON FACTS INSTEAD OF FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS!"

  Let's check out how this conversation could have proceeded if Dave made the conversation about feelings

  instead:

  Dave: Hi, my name is Dave, what's your name?

  Michelle: Michelle, nice to meet you!

  Dave: Yeah likewise. So, are you new around here? I mean, I haven't seen you before.

  Michelle: Yes, I started here last Monday, so it's only been eight days so far.

  Dave: Ah okay, I actually remember the time about three years ago when I first started here. I was so nervous that I

  felt like it was my first day at school. I can't believe I made it through that first week, but ever since then it's been

  great.

  Michelle: Hehe yeah, I know what mean, I think the worst thing about starting here was trying to figure out how the

  coffee machines work. They are surprisingly complicated, aren't they?

  Dave: I know! I still haven't mastered the coffee machine yet. Maybe we need some company-wide training on how to

  use it. I work in the training department so I can make that happen.

  Michelle: Oh, so you're the one responsible for all the compliance training I've had to go through so far?

  Dave: Guilty as charged. Every negative training experience you have is probably my fault.J'mjust going to apologize

  now for any training pain you may have to suffer in the future too.

  Let's stop the conversation right there. Clearly, it's going better this time. Notice how the first example was

  focused on all the data, while the second example quickly transitioned to feeling-based comments. Dave

  disclosed how he felt when he first started. Michelle provided a fun example illustrating how she has struggled

  during her first week. They both started to relate to each other on more of a personal level.

  The fact that Dave and Michelle share a major commonality (e.g. work, school, or church) provided a level

  of comfort that quickly opened the door to Level 2 small talk territory.

  Let's compare another common social interaction-talking about a recent sporting event: "Hey, did you

  watch the game last night?" If you're focused on the factual information, you may stick to discussing:

  • The score

  • The length of the game

  • The names of the best players

  • Stats of the best/worst players

  • Facts about the schedule

  However, an emotional/experience-driven conversation would focus more heavily on:

  • How happy you are for the young rookie

  • What disappointed you

  • The description of a particularly interesting play

  • The team chemistry

  • What excited you

  • How you see a player's potential for future success

  • Fears or hopes for the upcoming season

  Let's be clear—it's not a bad idea to talk some facts. I often talk about the importance of being a

  conversation fact hunter. Facts are great starting points for talking about your feelings toward the facts.

  Conversations about dry facts don't help you relate to someone because facts don't say anything about you

  as a person. Facts don't encourage people to disclose anything about themselves either. With emotionally-

  driven conversation you can connect in minutes, but with a purely intellectually-driven conversation you can

  talk for hours and never actually establish any level of personal relationship.

  It is the way that you feel about the world that is the essence of who you are and what makes you unique.

  You are not just the facts of your life, you are not your job title, your age, the things you have achieved, your

  hobbies, and so on. What makes you unique are also your personal views and perspectives toward all the

  "things" and "labels" attached to you.

  Have you ever been to a social event where someone asks you what you do for a living? The purpose of that

  question is to jumpstart the conversation; the person asking the question isn't looking to hear a job title. He or

  she wants to learn more about who you are. The job title is a starting point. People would rather hear about

  your feelings towards the work, what led up to the job, an interesting nugget about the field you work in, the

  future of your work, a funny story about your boss or your coworker, and so on.

  One of your primary "missions" in conversation is thus to find out how the person across the table feels

  about the world.

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  A person you're chatting with discloses, "I'm an Account Executive at a marketing agency." How many feeling-

  based follow-up questions can you generate in the next minute? Don't read on until you have asked a few.

  Here are some questions designed to uncover the emotion:

  What got y ou interested in _____ ?

  How do you feel about the _____ field right now?

  Are you gladyou chose that line of work?

  INITIATING NEW TOPICS

  13.

  BOSSES GO

  FIRST AND

  GAIN THE


  ADVANTAGE

  Gain instant social confidence and a conversational advantage by approaching life proactively.

  Bosses always seem to be in control of a conversation and say the right things at the right times. How the heck

  do they do it? They aren't infinitely smarter than you. Bosses simply position themselves better; they initiate a

  lot more than they react.

  Not even bosses can have a good response ready for any given topic. But they understand one simple

  concept: If you're in a position of responding, you're resigned to following the lead of another person.

  However, if you're initiating, you have an inherent advantage because you're the one who's controlling the

  direction of the conversation. When you're controlling the direction, you can steer the conversation to topics

  in which you're strong. You gain home-field advantage.

  Let's suppose I called you on the phone right now—right this very minute. I can guarantee myself a major

  advantage from a conversational perspective: I would initiate our chat by telling you my plans to go sailing this

  weekend.

  By introducing sailing, I would be taking control and kicking off the conversation with one of my own

  topics, forcing you into a more reactive position. You would have to respond and make a connection to my

  topic and to the things I say. It probably wouldn't be easy for your brain to sort through sailing related

  memories in a matter of seconds, especially if you didn't have much to offer on the topic. However, I would

  have had minutes, hours, days, or weeks to think about what and how I wanted to initiate that conversation

  with you! I may, in fact, be a professional sailor! I may have had many previous conversations about sailing that

  helped me develop a gigantic repertoire of sailing anecdotes, facts, and opinions ready to "float" into any

  conversation.

  My comfort level with the topic would manifest itself as confidence. Because you would have to react and

  exert energy searching for related material on the spot, you would be at a disadvantage and may project a lack

  of confidence.

  Pay close attention the next time you converse with a boss; they are probably initiating most of the topics!

  Bosses usually direct the show! They aren't caught off guard or left without anything to say. In those rare times