The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists
Page 5
where they are speechless, they still manage to ask poignant questions and eventually steer the conversation
ship where they want it to go. Of course, the best conversationalists steer the ship to a place where everyone is
actively engaged with the topic.
Initiating small talk communicates confidence, approachability, and likability—do it more often. Poor
communicators and passive people rarely initiate; they typically wait until someone else initiates with them.
Initiating the small talk—even with a topic as clichéd as the weather— immediately puts people more at ease
and helps foster a great first impression. No one will care about your exact first words, nor will they remember
them, but they will remember the fact that you initiated a conversation, that you made them feel valuable and
important, and that it took some guts.
If you can't think of anything to say, maybe it's because you're stifling your natural curiosity and creativity.
Try to learn something new about the person. Ask a safe or neutral question about what's happening then and
there. Want to keep it really safe? Always start by asking people how they're doing—you can't ever go wrong
with that question!
USE IT OR LOSE IT
If you want the world to think of you as a boss, from this moment on, start going first. Adjust your mindset and
aim to always be the first to greet people and ask how they are doing. Be the first to introduce yourself when
you don't know someone in a room or a meeting. Be the first to bring up a personal anecdote during small talk.
Be the first to start a meeting or introduce its topic. Be the first to transition to the next topic. Be the first to
ask a question. Be the first to praise a job well done. Be the first to apologize for a mistake. Be the first to end a
conversation or meeting on a positive note.
14.
BOSSES
MAINTAIN WITH
FEELER
STATEMENTS
Maintaining small talk requires an ongoing flow of new topics.
Small talk isn't like rolling a ball down a hill, where you can just let it go, and it rolls itself. Small talk requires
consistent work and effort to maintain. We have all started great conversations only to see them fizzle out a
minute later. One of the trickiest parts of small talk is knowing what to talk about next. To be successful, small
talk demands that both partners actively contribute and introduce new topics. In doing so, it's important to
"test the waters" with light comments that help figure out what to talk about next.
Small talk topics can be distilled to three main areas— what I call The Big Three: You, Them, and the
Environment. That is, comments about you yourself, about the other person, and about the surrounding
environment create the foundation of small talk. Keep in mind, comments about the environment are not
limited to the immediate surroundings; cultural events, other people, and global politics are part of the overall
environment. For example, your local sports teams are part of your environment.
I refer to the light and simple Big Three comments and questions that "test the waters" and jumpstart
conversation topics as feeler statements. Feelers are statements you toss out to help you gauge whether another
person is receptive to talking about a particular topic.
I liken feeler statements to sweeping back and forth over the sand with a metal detector. Sometimes you'll
receive nothing but a faint "beep...beep...beep," but sometimes you'll hit on something interesting. Then you
could start to dig. Initiating conversation, especially with unfamiliar people, often follows the same process
and requires multiple feeler statements in order to get going.
You Feelers
The best statements about you include your expectations, desires, hopes, fears, concerns, preferences, and
what you know or don't know. Check out some example phrases for the next time you go out on a date or to a
business dinner:
I didn't expect it to be this crowded/classy/nice/big.
I don't know which appetizer to choose—they all look so good.
I was worried that they wouldn't have enough seating/beer/wine options, but I'm pleasantly surprised.
I don't know about you, but I love Italian food.
Bosses go into new situations with a few You feelers in mind. Regardless of the social setting you find
yourself in, you can always make simple comments about your own behavior, appearance, thoughts,
expectations, or plans.
For example, a boss who chooses to wear a classy sports coat to meet up with some friends may go into the
situation prepared with a few comments about the coat. Part of the initial small talk could include a comment
like, "I figured I'd get a little dressed up for once." Such a feeler statement about the coat would probably work
in any situation, regardless of who was there.
Them Feelers
Remember, feeler statements should be safe, light and lean positive—qualities which are especially critical
when talking about someone else. Every week I hear women compliment each other's attire or hair as a way of
starting conversations on a positive note.
I love those shoes—where did you get them?
That's a great tattoo—where did you get it done?
Nice watch—what kind is it?
Do you need with that?
When it comes to Them feelers, it's generally better to stick to questions instead of comments. Expressing
interest and curiosity is a safe bet.
Occasionally, people will be adorned with clues as to what topics they'd be interested in talking about. For
example, wearing a sports team's jersey naturally invites comments about how the team is doing that year or
something about a particular star on that team. What people wear is almost always an outward expression of
their interests. It's safe to assume they enjoy talking about those interests and know enough to understand
references to them.
What did you think about the Lions game yesterday?
So, you think the Lions are going to win this weekend?
Is that the new _____ ? How do you like it?
Someone's actions are also usually fair game for a comment. Are they raking leaves? Stretching? Reading?
Ordering a drink?
Getting the yard ready for winter, huh?
Going for a run or something?
Reading anything good?
What are you drinking tonight?
Give positive feedback to someone. If you agree with somebody, say so out loud. Make an effort to talk to
people after meetings to express your appreciation or to ask questions. For example, you might tell a
presenter, "I loved your point about XYZ. I never really considered that perspective until you brought it up."
Environment Feelers
Observations about the shared environment, situation, culture or other people are typically safe and
relatable. Most people are comfortable talking about observations about the world around them. Also, there's
something positive or interesting to say in nearly every situation, so find it and say it.
The _____ is delicious!
What a great turnout. .
We're having the perfect weather for this, aren't we? Did you see the first speaker? I thought he was great.
Also look for things that stick out from the norm. Point out something unique or interesting. Look for
things you can exaggerate a little. A few examples:
This place is packed—I've never seen this many people here before.
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It's crazy in here, isn't it?
Wow—that cake looks like a major sugar rush.
It must have cost them a fortune to decorate this place.
A little playfulness and sarcasm work well if you feel confident enough to try. Remember, environment
comments aren't limited to the immediate surroundings—feel free to comment about some local popular news
story or sporting event if the environment isn't providing enough conversation fodder.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Start paying attention to how often you leverage feeler statements. Additionally, become mindful of which
feelers you lean on most—comments about yourself, them, or the environment? Or do you cycle through them
all fairly evenly?
15.
BOSSES
CONNECT
QUICKLY
Finding commonalities is the quickest way to build trust and create a solid foundation for the relationship.
You know a little about me—but do you trust me yet? When you want to build rapport with someone new, it's
important to establish a degree of trust. Underneath, we all have a primal desire to know if the other person
could be a friend or foe, bring joy or pain, and provide safety or danger. Show people that you qualify as a
member of their "tribe" and that you're not an "enemy."
Establishing a personal connection requires a certain degree of commonality and trust. To form a
connection, two people must relate and understand each other on some level. Try to connect based on what
they share with you or what information is visibly available. Use available clues—do they have an interesting
tattoo showing? Are they drinking something interesting? Do they have a photo of their kids on their phone
case? Obviously don't be creepy; keep it light.
One time at work, I had to meet with a new executive in his office. I saw a Michigan State mascot on his
desk—a clear clue about this executive's interest. However, I never attended Michigan State. It didn't matter. I
simply initiated the conversation with a comment about Michigan State in general. I could have talked about
the previous game, an upcoming game, or maybe about how many of my friends attended the school. I could
have even said I almost went there, but I decided to go to a school out-of-state. The bottom line is, he knew I
was very familiar with the school. It jump-started a connection between us.
Maybe you're at Joe's party, but only know Joe? Then you already have a connection to everyone—you just
haven't capitalized on it yet. You can always keep this gem up your sleeve for any point in the conversation:
"So how do you know Joe?" or, "So what's your connection to Joe?"
Your efforts should move you towards revealing your commonality. Prove that you have common desires,
interests, thoughts, experiences, etc.
Common Friends
You're a friend of Jenny's, right?
Common Interests
I love that shirt. J have the same one but in blue.
Common Thoughts
This dessert is great, isn't it?
Common Context
How long have you been coming here?
Common Possessions or Concerns
Is your internet connection working okay?
Common Environments
Does this room feel hot to you, too?
To form a true connection, make sure you return the favor and share something related about yourself.
Don't encourage them to talk about the coffee they're drinking without mentioning the type you like as well.
There's no perfect ratio of talking about yourself vs. the other person because everyone is different. In general,
a balanced conversation is a good conversation.
Sometimes, in order to create trust, you need to demonstrate trust first. Open yourself up. Try to lead with
self-disclosure and get the conversational ball rolling. Make light about how you were a few minutes late to
work because your four-year-old couldn't find her boots. Or make light of the accidental coffee spill on your
shirt earlier that day. Disclosing information about yourself is a necessary ingredient to establishing trust.
These little anecdotes often spark others to reciprocate with some disclosure.
Every commonality gives the two of you a touchstone, something that's a key part of the foundation of any
relationship. Even something as mundane as shopping at the same grocery store could suffice as a touchstone.
One time I initiated a conversation with a stranger using a more esoteric comment. I was writing at a
bookstore coffee shop, as I often do, and at a table next to me, a gentleman was tutoring a girl from his math
class. He was an excellent teacher, dropping all kinds of references and metaphors in an effort to help her
learn. He even referenced J. R. R. Tolkien a few times. Unfortunately, she wasn't getting it. I could tell he was
frustrated. After she left, he stayed to finish his coffee. I casually said with a smile, "At least I enjoyed your
Tolkien references." My comment instantly established a commonality. He could surmise a lot about me based
on one single comment. He could guess that I knew some things about one of the great fantasy writers of all
time. He must have wondered, if I was a Tolkien fan like he was, what else did we have in common? My
comment peaked his interest and we launched into a nice chat for the next twenty minutes.
I can't stress enough the importance of being able to quickly disclose interesting information about yourself.
It doesn't matter what you've experienced or what you know if you can't express it quickly and effectively.
Imagine trying to get to know someone, and she brings up how she loves the singer Macklemore. You exclaim,
"I do too!" She then asks, "What's your favorite song of his?" You draw a blank, you can't remember any
specific songs. But luckily you went to his concert a few years ago so you tell her that piece of info. "That's cool,
I saw him about six months ago at ABC—where did you see him?" she asks. You can't remember. The
conversation grinds to a halt. You had a chance to form a strong connection through a major commonality, but
you weren't able to seal the deal.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Next time you want to initiate or form a connection, think about commonalities you could explore with the
other person. Are there any clues in their environment? Are they wearing anything you like or also own? Try
to create a mental list of every commonality you observe the next time you're at work or school.
16.
BOSSES AREN'T
AFRAID TO BE
GENUINE
Authenticity builds trust and cements long-term connections and relationships.
Relationships can't thrive without trust. Be honest about your shortcomings and share personal stories, even if
they're a little embarrassing—people like people who aren't afraid to take down their façade. Being
comfortable with your flaws or lack of skills also helps put others at ease.
We live in a world where everyone wears a mask and plays a part. Businesses are structured to encourage
competitiveness, artificial demeanors, and political game playing. But sometimes it helps to be a little
transparent. When you reveal something about yourself or do something that may not be to your favor, or
doesn't look calculated, you help establish trust.
Some of the greatest sales people appear to act against their best interest by making comments like, "My
job is to sell you X, Y, and Z, but to be honest, I wouldn't buy X. It's not worth it. You're better off going down<
br />
the street and buying it there." The blatant honesty and transparency quickly establishes trust and ironically
the customer is usually more likely to buy from the salesman after such a pitch.
Bosses admit mistakes and are comfortable being vulnerable. Take ownership of your mistakes and admit
when you were wrong. Hold yourself accountable to what you promise or what you try to be and do. "I'm sorry,
I should have been here on time."
Having said all that, showing vulnerability is ideal for the person who has established a good degree of
credibility and respect already. Bosses work to reduce any major weaknesses —so mentioning minor flaws are
perfectly fine. "I'm terrible with technology... I'm the last person you want helping with X!" Or, "I'm trying to
get better at X." Or, "I've never done this before." No one is good at everything. On the flip side, showing
vulnerability or admitting weakness may further damage the reputation of someone who already lacks
credibility.
As mentioned, the fastest way to connecting with others is to establish commonalities. However,
commonalities don't necessarily establish trust if the agreement is disingenuous. Don't be afraid to admit how
you're different or how you disagree.
By occasionally disagreeing—especially in light ways— you'll communicate sincerity. I emphasize light
because significant disagreements may risk damaging the relationship. Light disagreements occur with light
topics. For example, you disagree with your friend about the quality of the latest Marvel movie, or you disagree
with your colleague about where the team should celebrate this year. Disagreeing communicates that you're
not just a copy-cat, that you have a personality, that you stick to your values, and that you are who you say you
are.
Many guys incorrectly assume that to impress the girl they have to pretend to like everything she says and
act like they both have everything in common. In fact, being yourself is just as important as having
commonalities. Once you've established a connection, don't always agree and don't always laugh at everything
she says. Don't bend over backward for her. It's hard to respect a butt kisser or a brown noser.
USE IT OR LOSE IT