The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists

by Gregory Peart

  was like, 'Thanks for the vote of confidence Uncle Steve!'" That could be considered a quick story.

  The goal is to focus on adding personal nuggets with broad appeal; focus on relatable stories, anecdotes, and

  experiences. Always remain cognizant of what your audience would be interested in hearing.

  Chatbots often sound artificial because they lack experiences that they can reference or draw from. They

  can't tell you much about themselves, what they've done, where they've been, or what they possess. They lack

  a human "history" so to speak, and don't have a past to discuss.

  One summer my family lost power for four days, and we were forced to stay with our in-laws. We went out

  to dinner the first night, and my mother-in-law asked what we did with our food to prevent it from spoiling.

  My wife, Maureen, answered, "One of my friends let us use the fridge in their garage. We spilled a few

  things, but we managed to save all of the food, at least."

  My mother-in-law responded, "Oh, that's good."

  My wife left out a few "minor" details, however, and I was not about to allow a good story go to waste.

  Transferring the food was actually a giant fiasco, so I chimed in before the conversation moved on. I'll spare

  you the details, but it involved a loose pit bull, the house alarm going off, and fish juice spilling all over my

  wife. I proceeded to give a complete account of what happened, and the story was an absolute hit!

  My wife and I shared the same experience. However, she didn't see value in the story the way I did. I

  deliberately filed away the interesting parts, because I knew it was useful conversation information. And by

  retelling the story, the interesting parts became cemented even further in my brain.

  Let's pretend you went on a trip last week to Tampa to visit your family. This event may naturally surface in

  a conversation upon your return (unless you live by yourself in a cave).

  Friend: How was Tampa?

  You: It was good. Really hot.

  Friend: Yeah, I bet.

  By not offering much information, the conversation becomes stilted, and your conversation partner is

  forced to maintain the conversation for you. Many people won't bother inquiring further and will instead steer

  the conversation elsewhere (or to someone else). A few hours later, in a different conversation, the topic

  resurfaces. But this time, you've already thought of an interesting nugget to share.

  Friend: How was Tampa?

  You: Yeah, it was really neat, and oh my gosh, I couldn't believe how many alligators were around. Everywhere we

  walked we saw alligators like 10 feet away. It was kind of scary but kind of exciting, too. My brother even tried to touch

  one!

  This type of interesting nugget can be formed long before the question about Tampa even comes up in the

  conversation. You could have thought about that incident on the beach, or how scary the Sunshine Skyway

  bridge is to drive over, or how...you get the point. It just requires a little foresight. Of course, the exact words

  don't need to be planned out, but if the general idea or thought were to cross your mind before you engaged in

  the conversation, you would be one step ahead.

  For bosses, information hunting is a part of their lives. They remember the funny events that happened last

  week and think about which parts would make good stories. The events may not have been interesting on the

  surface, but after careful examination, a few interesting nuggets could be extracted. It's a very active,

  deliberate process. And it's a process that converts random thoughts and data into conversational nuggets for

  faster retrieval later.

  Remember, trying to be too precise or accurate with your details can slow down and possibly damage the

  flow of conversation. Don't worry about not telling someone exactly when or where something occurred if

  you're struggling to remember. Just paint a general picture and get to the point. Instead of "When I was a kid, I

  think when I was nine, or maybe it was when I was ten...," just say, "When I was around nine or ten."

  Of course, you can't know and remember everything. If you haven't discovered it already, the sheer act of

  trying harder to remember will help you remember more. Your brain processes millions of pieces of

  information a day. It won't just automatically remember everything—train it to focus on useful information for

  conversation.

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Part of training your brain to reference more personal anecdotes involves adding better statement structures

  to your vernacular. Memorize the following statement starters and make a conscious effort to incorporate

  statements like these into your conversations:

  That reminds me of when_____

  That's kind of like the time i/she/he/we/_____

  That makes me think of_____

  I just went to _____ and _____

  When I was younger, I used to always _____

  30.

  THE

  AUTOBIOGRAPHY

  WORKSHEET

  It's time to get serious about mastering your autobiography. Dedicate some time, now or later, to completing the

  autobiography worhheet.

  I call this exercise, Tell Me About a Time. Pretend for a moment you're on a date with Stacy Story. As the name

  implies, Stacy only wants to hear stories. Act like Stacy's asking you questions from the following list. How

  many can you begin to answer in less than five seconds? (If applicable.) Give yourself a pat on the back if you

  can answer 20+ questions quickly. Note which questions you struggle with so you can answer them later.

  Remember, it doesn't matter how much you remember; all that matters is if you can remember quickly enough

  before the conversation moves on with you.

  Tell Me About a Time Worksheet

  Best childhood memory?

  Scariest childhood memory?

  Happiest childhood memory?

  Best place to visit as a child?

  A story about your favorite place to visit as an adult?

  A story about someone you'd call an enemy/adversary?

  A funny story from high school?

  A funny story from college?

  Ever moved far away?

  An interesting/funny story about a relative?

  A sad story about a relative?

  A funny story that occurred in the past week or month?

  An interesting story from the past week or month?

  An interesting story about one of your hobbies?

  A story about a time you got in trouble?

  A story about a time you were late for a major event?

  An embarrassing/regretful event?

  A story about how you won something?

  A story about how you lost something?

  A story about an animal/pet?

  A story about how you were really sick?

  An interesting/funny story about a friend?

  Something unusual from your childhood?

  Something unusual about your childhood home?

  Something unusual about where you lived as a teen/young adult?

  Something unusual about a friend?

  An interesting/funny story related to food/eating?

  An interesting/funny story about a music or sporting event?

  A story about a time you were embarrassed?

  A story where you overcame some challenge?

  A story about an injury?

  Ever been or hosted a great/horrible party?

  Have you had any life-changing moments?

  Have you ever had an alien/ghost encounter?

  A story about your first/wor
st date?

  A time you regretted buying something?

  A time you made a costly mistake?

  A time you got lost?

  A time you really lucked out?

  Suddenly and rudely, Stacy is sick of hearing your stories and wants to know other, more personal

  information. Can you continue answering the following questions?

  What's your oldest/most sacred possession?

  What's your favorite possession?

  What do you want to own?

  What is something you're embarrassed to tell most people?

  What's something you want to accomplish in the next year, five years, and ten years?

  What are you most proud of?

  What would you write a book about?

  If you had a million dollars to spend, what would you spend it on?

  Something interesting you did last week? Yesterday? Today?

  Something interesting you're planning on doing this month? Year?

  As with the Opinion Inventory Worksheet in Chapter 24, these questions are great for asking others as well.

  Additionally, I strongly encourage you to start a story journal. Try to maintain a log of stories as they occur

  and/or write about something interesting every day. It's a great habit to get into because after a while you'll be

  surprised by how many interesting things actually occurred during that time span. Reviewing the journal will

  dramatically increase your ability to reference events during conversations. And keep in mind, it's not

  necessary to keep a journal forever, because the simple act of journaling for one or two months will train your

  brain to register and remember more interesting events automatically.

  31.

  BOSSES

  MAINTAIN WITH

  EVENT

  TIMELINES

  The last letter in FOOFAAE, the E, is all about events.

  "What have you been up to?" It's one of the most common (and useful!) questions in existence. We've already

  established that you have three primary areas to discuss in any small talk situation: something involving you,

  them, or the environment. Each of The Big Three contains a timeline you should be taking advantage of:

  Distant Past Events

  Recent Past Events

  Present Events

  Near Future Events

  Distant Future Events

  When you feel like your brain is drawing blanks, start thinking about timelines for each of The Big Three

  feelers.

  Your Timeline

  First, you have a timeline. Always be able to answer the question, "What have you been up to?" What did

  you do last weekend that was interesting? What are you doing tomorrow or this weekend that may be

  interesting? Of course, your present timeline matters, too—what are you doing right now or today that's

  interesting?

  Their Timeline

  Second, other people have a timeline. Good conversation topics revolve around how people willingly spend

  their time. What have they been up to? Who are the people they spend time with? What are the things they

  spend their time using or consuming or thinking about? What have they spent their time doing in the past, and

  what are they planning to do with their time in the future? Are they always doing something with their kids?

  Are they always working on a hobby? When you find out what people choose to spend their time doing or

  thinking about, then you have probably discovered what's important to them.

  The Environment Timeline

  Third, the environment has a timeline. What has been happening in the world recently? Did your friend just

  get married? What is happening right now in your immediate environment or situation? Is there horrible

  traffic? What is happening soon? Is Michigan playing Michigan State? Is there a big presidential debate coming

  up?

  All the things in all the timelines are simply events and facts. Nothing more. But it's the events and facts

  that serve as great starting points for quality dialogue.

  Because the events are objective facts, it's your job to paint them in an interesting way. Point out

  interesting parts. Add some subjectivity and feeling to the objective events. Similar events happen to everyone

  —it's up to you how much subjectivity goes into talking about them. You decide how to paint the picture.

  Let's say you're going to see The Strumhellas concert. That's the factual event. Stating "I'm going to see The

  Strumbellas concert" isn't terribly exciting or interesting on its own, is it?

  Give the event life. Try to add some interesting details, descriptions, or feelings: "I'm so excited, I finally get

  to see The Strumbellas! I own all their songs, but I've never seen them inperson." Or, "I can't wait to see The

  Strumbellas tomorrow. Did you know one of the lead singers is from________? He used to go that XYZ place by

  our old school." Adding interesting details and feelings to the objective facts will help your partner continue

  the conversation. Give people something to work with.

  As a side note, the shallowest small talk—the Level 1 discussed at the beginning of the book, the kind you

  may have with people you hardly know, almost always starts in the center of the timeline (the present events).

  As you both build rapport and become more comfortable with each other, feel free to start jumping to events

  farther up and down the timeline (distant future or distant past).

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  On Monday, ask three people how their weekends went. On Friday, ask three people about their weekend plans.

  Additionally, try to find out something new about someone's timeline. See if you can find out something about

  one of the following:

  Distant Past Events

  Recent Past Events

  Present Events

  Near Future Events

  Distant Future Events

  Also, try to introduce something from the environment timeline. Was the local beach closed recently for

  some reason? Is there a new bar being built down the street? A big game or a wedding coming up? Think of

  things in your environment that would be interesting to someone.

  Distant Past Events

  Recent Past Events

  Present Events

  Near Future Events

  Distant Future Events

  32.

  BOSSES MASTER

  THEIR OWN

  EVENT

  TIMELINES

  You'll always have something to talk about if you master your own timeline.

  How do some people always have something to say? Bosses always have something to say because they are

  keenly aware of their own timelines. They can reference an event from the past, present or future at any given

  moment. Of course, timelines are tricky because they're continually changing; it takes practice to masterfully

  reference your timeline at any given moment.

  Start thinking about all the events in your life, both large and small, significant and trivial. The events from

  your distant past, near past, the events happening today, tomorrow, near future, and distant future—they all

  have potential to make great conversation fodder.

  Are you going to an interesting concert in a few days? Are you excited about seeing your cousin next week?

  Are you training for a marathon? As a bonus, events turn into stories later you can reference or they can

  inquire about.

  Let's dig a little deeper into timeline-related statements. First, events don't have to be large, planned

  affairs. Dropping your dinner plate last night was an event. Bathing your toddler last night was also an event. />
  What you're going to eat in a minute is an event. Going running after work is an event. Watching a show later is

  an event. All potential material for small talk.

  Many of these can simply be started with, "Oh, I have to tell you about..." Or, "Remember my friend Jenny?

  She was..." Or, "So you'll never guess what my son did last night..." Good feeler comments can be thoughts or

  feelings connected to the event. Say you meet someone for a date at a restaurant. Some good opening

  comments can be thoughts related to the event of driving or walking up to the restaurant. For example, "I

  never thought I would find this place, it's like a labyrinth back here." Or, "I was walking up to the entrance

  thinking, this place looks nothing like I imagined!"

  Let's look at some example comments for each main phase of a timeline:

  The Recent Past

  Youll never guess who I saw last week.

  I was driving over here and this guy at the stop light looked at me like he wanted to stab me. .

  I was trying to wash my son when he suddenly. .

  The Present Moment

  I'm feeling like a nice white wine. I deserve it.

  This place reminds me of those ancient Roman temples.

  Who would have thought we'd be here. .sitting here next to the______.

  The Near Future

  Do you think they'd look at me weird if I ordered every single appetizer?

  When we get home tonight, we should. .

  I'm thinking about seeing that horror movie this weekend.

  Try to eventually take this technique one step further and incorporate all three periods of time into your

  conversation— you'll be amazed at the results. Here's an example:

  I've been healthy all week, so I'm keeping it up until the weekend. I'm ordering the turkey wrap. But once Friday

  evening gets here, look out! I'm going crazy. An entire deep-dish pizza is not out of the question.

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  It's important to think actively about timelines until it becomes second nature. Pretend we're having a

  conversation. Tell me five events from the past week, five events that occurred today (or now), and five events

  that will occur in the near future. It doesn't matter how trivial you view the events.

  And just as important as being aware of your timeline is the ability to share interesting events from your

  timeline very quickly. It's no good if you think of something to say three minutes after the conversation is over.