The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists

by Gregory Peart

  writing a book about how to be funny so be on the lookout!)

  For now, there are five primary types of playful opinions we'll discuss:

  1. Exaggerated

  2. Hypothetical

  3. Sarcastic

  4. Label

  5. Meta

  Check out some examples of each:

  Exaggerate your observations, opinions, and feelings if you want to jumpstart playful dialogue. You may

  show up at someone's house just as it starts pouring rain. You could state a regular feeler to kick-off a

  conversation, "I didn't expect it to rain as soon as I got here." Or you could exaggerate: "I didn't expect to have

  to walk through a small hurricane when I got here!" Check out some more:

  I love this game already. This might be my favorite game of all time.

  I can't believe I just ate that entire steak. I won't be able to move for two days.

  She needs to lay off the mascara—she looks like she's trying out for the circus.

  I think that's the grossest _____ I've ever seen. Look at that.

  Hypothetical comments exaggerate what could, would, or should happen in the future. Additionally, they

  include what could have occurred in the past (but didn't actually occur). Hypotheticals require a playful

  audience, or they'll fall flat. Similarly, when written down, such as in this book, they lose some luster and

  context. But c'est la vie.

  I think we should all cruise up to the casino wearing those pink cowboy hats.

  Your beard's becoming epic. I think you should shave lightning bolts in it before your next marathon—it would help

  you run faster.

  Look at all the antiques. .if an earthquake hit, this place would be smashed.

  No one likes me anymore. I think I'm just going to retire early and move to Jamaica.

  This would look awesome in our _____ . It would be perfect next to the _____ . I don't care if Jill would hate it, I love it!

  I've always wanted to have a home brewery in my basement. That would be so cool! Except I'd probably end gaining 20

  lbs!

  It should be against the law to serve onions at work—my breath is poisonous right now! Don't stand too close.

  I love that song! I think that song should be played every time I walk into my office. Can you make that happen, please?

  That's going to give me nightmares for three weeks.

  I think I'm going to steal one of those cookies when you're not looking.

  I'll get out of your way. You looked as if you were about to kick me.

  Check out the difference without and with a hypothetical comment:

  WITHOUT HYPOTHETICAL: I have to go and give that presentation now.

  WITH HYPOTHETICAL: I have to go and give that presentation now. Anyone want to come watch me embarrass myself?

  WITHOUT HYPOTHETICAL: I was going to call you this morning to see if you were coming in.

  WITH HYPOTHETICAL: I was going to call you this morning to see if you were coming in. I wanted to make sure you

  weren't stuck in a ditch or something.

  Sarcasm is usually as simple as stating something that contradicts the apparent truth. If you're not "good at

  humor," then utilize more sarcasm because it's fairly straightforward. Just make sure you say your sarcastic

  comments with a smile if the other person may not know that you're playing around.

  For example, you visit your friend's house. They have a toddler, and you notice crayon marks all over their

  living room wall. The truth is obvious, so playing along with something contradictory can be funny. There are

  many options for sarcasm in this scenario:

  Hey, I like the wall decorations. .it's very Bohemian.

  Nice wall décor. .what style is that? French?

  Does Home Depot sell that decoration?

  Label comments attach labels to people or things. Labels include placing people or things into stereotypical

  categories or groups. Labels also include new names for people or things. In the previous example, you might

  have suggested a label for the child who painted on the wall. "I see you have a young Picasso in the house."

  Check out these other examples:

  Look at you with your notepad and pen—you're like a news reporter.

  These are my fancy shoes. Because I'm a fancy guy.

  I like romantic comedies, too. Because I'm a romantic- comedy kind of guy.

  You're dropping corn chips everywhere—you're such a slob, you disgust me.

  Meta comments talk about the conversation itself, about the current situation, and about what people are

  thinking about the current situation:

  I probably look pretty ridiculous right now.

  I think this is the moment I'm supposed to ask y ou to dance.

  You're probably thinking, "Hurry up already!"

  We were both standing by ourselves, sol figured I'd come over here and introduce myself.

  I know what you're thinking. .this guy is a musical genius. But I'm really not—it's all an act.

  Again, playful comments are riskier and should usually be said with a smile, and among people who

  understand your humor.

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Pick one of the playful opinions you don't normally share and take it for a test drive in a real conversation. Say

  it with extra energy and a smile and notice if the tone of your conversation suddenly switches from serious to

  playful.

  26.

  BOSSES ARE

  FACT HUNTERS

  The second F in FOOFAAE stands for facts; deliberately target and store conversational information instead of random

  information.

  Why do your conversations stall? Why do you struggle to come up with something to say sometimes? This is

  one of the most common challenges for the average person.

  You may have a great personality, but if everyone in the group is talking about the latest Netflix series, or

  their favorite alcoholic beverage, or about their favorite place to visit in Chicago, your odds of contributing

  meaningfully to the conversation will increase substantially if you also follow some the latest Netflix series, or

  know something interesting about alcoholic beverages, or can describe your favorite places in Chicago.

  It's much easier to start a good conversation than it is to maintain a good conversation. A conversation itself

  can only be as good as the content it pulls from. No self-help book or blog post is capable of telling you exactly

  what to say in every conversation. It takes time and effort—there are no "get rich quick" strategies.

  Imagine being stuck in an elevator with a stranger for one hour. There's nothing to see or observe besides

  the elevator. It's incredibly boring. This is a very challenging scenario for people who aren't very good at

  making small talk. Bosses would still thrive. Why? Bosses dedicate time to remembering thousands of

  interesting facts, opinions, and stories for use in a myriad of situations. We all have a part of our memory

  dedicated to information we can reference in conversation; let's call it your conversation storage tank.

  Your storage tank is always with you—even in a dark, stalled elevator. A boss could tell stories for hours if

  given the opportunity. Adding to your conversation storage tank now will help you avoid the dreaded awkward

  silences later.

  Keep in mind, a conversation doesn't depend on what you've read or watched or memorized or

  experienced: it depends on being able to talk about what you've read or watched or memorized or experienced. Just

  reading a lot of books or experiencing a lot of things don't instantly make you a good conversationalist. Can

  you talk about that book
you read last year? Can you recall any interesting details about that awesome

  restaurant you tried six months ago?

  When you finish watching a movie, let's say Attack of the Zombie Squirrels (it's a classic!), you may never

  think about it again. Alternatively, you may think to yourself, "Wow, I like this John Smith actor, he's really

  funny," or, "The ending could have been much better—they should have driven the motorcycle off the

  building."

  Shift information to a more accessible place in your memory by actively processing it. Bosses are always

  looking for information they might assemble into coherent, usable thoughts for conversational purposes. So

  perhaps the next time someone brings up the movie Attack of the Zombie Squirrels, you might reference how

  much you like that John Smith actor or discuss the ending scene. That's useful conversation information! If you

  forget the name of the actor or how the scene ends, you won't be able to contribute as much should the

  opportunity arise.

  The work you put in now to collect information for conversations will pay off tenfold in the future.

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Think about what domains of knowledge and information you know well, and what areas you struggle with. Are

  you great at remembering movies and TV shows, but horrible at sports and politics? Make a plan to increase

  your conversational knowledge in more areas. Also, become super knowledgeable about some universally

  interesting topics. What do your friends and colleagues talk about?

  27.

  BOSSES KNOW

  HOW TO TAPP

  You can increase your odds of having something to say during small talk by studying the TAPP topics.

  Focus your efforts on TAPP topics, and you'll prepare your brain for the most common conversation topics.

  TAPP topics are subjects that most people have thoughts and opinions about because they make up things that

  are common to daily life. TAPP stands for Things, Activities, People, and Places. The TAPP topics function as a

  guideline to follow as you expand and add to your mental storage of facts, opinions, and experiences.

  TAPP Topics

  THINGS: Technology, Books, Clothes, Cars, Movies, TV Shows, Food, Drink, and Weather

  ACTIVITIES: Hobbies, Volunteering, Sports, Fitness, Diets, Entertainment, Gaming, Education, Dating,

  Vacations, Shopping, and Careers

  PEOPLE: Kids/Parenting, Family, Pets, Gossip, Relationships, Opposite Sex, You, Them, Culture, Common

  friends/Co-workers, Local/Global News, Appearance, and Human Behavior

  PLACES: Surroundings, Cities, Landmarks, States, Restaurants, Festivals, Houses, and Stores

  One of the TAPP Activities is education. Maybe your son's school requires silly neon green school uniforms;

  that's an interesting fact that could jump-start a conversation. "So, you'll never guess what my son has to wear

  to school this year...they have to wear these silly neon green uniforms. When I saw them, I was like, 'What? Are

  you kidding me?'"

  Current events and the news is usually a great option for starting discussions, "Did you hear about that

  teacher in Ann Arbor? I can't believe she did _________."

  Notice in the previous examples about neon green uniforms and Ann Arbor teachers, an opinion was

  expressed after the topic was introduced. Your conversation will get off to a better start when you can add

  your own feelings or opinions on the topic. When you elaborate your thoughts, you give others a good place to

  start from. Also, others will feel more comfortable about responding when they know your position on a topic.

  By no means should you try to memorize the topic list. But being very familiar with TAPP topics gives you

  building blocks for great conversations with a wide and diverse audience. Bosses are able to converse with a

  variety of people because they know a little about a lot.

  The more you make small talk, the better you'll get at small talk. That may seem obvious, but the more you

  practice small talk, the more you'll figure out which facts, opinions, and experiences work well and which

  don't. It's one of the primary reasons your conversations with friends are just better; you've learned what

  works well with them, and they've learned what to bring up with you.

  Bosses always remember the most effective comments and recycle them with new people or situations.

  Thereby each comment is mentally accessed more readily and said more clearly because it has already been

  said many times before.

  I had a boss who, every December as part of her pre-meeting small talk, recycled the same line about being

  late for Christmas shopping. It impressed me how often she mentioned it during our meetings with various

  executives.

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Becoming familiar with the TAPP topics is the easy part; coming up with something interesting to say about

  each one is much harder. Try to add an interesting fact/experience/opinion about each of the topics in each

  TAPP category. Yep, this exercise may take you a while. Look for gaps in TAPP knowledge and fill them in. Like

  usual, try to complete the exercise out loud if possible.

  28.

  BOSSES ARE

  ACTION

  ORIENTED

  The first A in FOOFAAE stands fior Action statements.

  Bosses are active. They do things. They join things. They try new things. They don't sit around waiting for

  something good to happen. They don't fear making mistakes and taking risks. Their comments also reflect

  their active mindset. Sometimes they comment on actions they may or may not take. And that's part of the fun.

  Check out some examples:

  That looks awesome; I need to try that.

  I'm thinking about eating this entire pie right now—would that be bad?

  That chicken is friendly, can I take him with me? I need a chicken in my life.

  We should go do that.

  I really want to jump in that _____ right now, do you think I should?

  I'm going to see if I can grab a _____ before they're gone.

  I'm thinking of taking that chair before anyone else does— would that be bad?

  You should go talk to her. .she keeps looking at you.

  The simple act of doing creates interesting conversation. In fact, simply taking action, even by mistake, can

  magically spark conversation. Let's look at an example to illustrate this point:

  Jack and Jill are on their first date. They are both shy. They exchange greetings and sit down. Then an awkward silence

  takes over. They wait. They nervously look around. Then Jack stands up to take off his jacket and accidently knocks

  over his water! Jill laughs. Jack laughs. Jill makes a comment. Jack slips in a joke about his clumsiness. Conversation

  ensues. Jack references his clumsy mistake again later in the conversation. Jill laughs again.

  You get the idea? There is magic in action—even unintentional action. Many people I've talked to about

  social skills express the same frustrations: "I don't have any interesting stories to tell or anything interesting to

  talk about."

  My father lives by the proverb, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." He was raised in a strict

  English boarding school but still emerged with a terrific sense of adventure and curiosity. He's traveled the

  world and can tell stories for days. If you find yourself struggling to think of entertaining stories or interesting

  observations, you may need to get out more.

  I'd like to contribute another proverb, "All day on the couch with no activity makes Jack a dull<
br />
  conversationalist." Join a new group, sign up for a new class, or drive to a new city. You're bound to find

  something interesting if you look. But what if your car breaks down on the way? Great, you've got yourself an

  interesting story! Going on a date? Pick an interesting venue—a place where neither of you has been so there

  will be plenty to observe and experience. Those experiences create the memories that your brain will draw on

  during future conversations.

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Most people who aren't good at making small talk lack a repertoire of action-oriented comments. If that

  describes you, try to be more adventurous in life. Do more to be more.

  Commit to doing three new things in the next week. And I'm not talking about trying a new bar of soap. Eat at a

  new restaurant and try a new dish. Join a club. Book a cheap vacation. Drive somewhere new. Start a new

  hobby. What will your three new things be?

  29.

  BOSSES MASTER

  THEIR OWN

  AUTOBIOGRAPHY

  The second A in FOOFAAE considers your autobiographical information; don't overlook all the conversational information

  about yourself

  Bosses not only hunt information in the world, but they also hunt information about themselves. As funny as

  that sounds, it's critical to maintaining great, higher levels of small talk. Bosses make a point to think about

  and remember all of those funny, zany, unusual, interesting life moments and experiences. One of the most

  common traits I see in people who aren't very good at conversation is that they have a hard time quickly

  recalling the fun and interesting stuff in their lives. Start paying more attention to the interesting personal

  information worth sharing.

  If you were a Jeopardy contestant and your autobiography was a category, could you answer every question

  in a few seconds? Can you easily conjure up stories and experiences about school, work, family, pets, significant

  others, adventures, mistakes, embarrassments, etc.? If you kept track, you would have stories for nearly every

  major topic that could come up in an average conversation. Stories don't have to be long, elaborate tales of

  adventure. For example: "When I turned 30, my Uncle Steve told me I was going to gain five pounds a year—I