The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists
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advantage.
Think about that for a minute.
Bosses realize their weaknesses and insecurities can actually make some interesting conversation material.
Not many people want to listen to a braggart rave about how well he did on a test or how many new sports cars
he owns. But everyone enjoys hearing about the time you made a fool of yourself at that party—especially if
you can laugh about it after the fact. Your flaws make others feel better about themselves subconsciously, as
well. The end result is that people will often like you more after you expose an inner flaw or embarrassing
experience, even of the small or trivial variety. Confident people aren't afraid to expose some of their
weaknesses.
Check out the following example:
Jack Wow, that's an awesome tattoo.
Jill: Thanks, my husband George actually drew it.
Jack Really? That's cool.
Not a very interesting interaction, huh? Now let's look at the conversation if Jack had admitted a weakness.
Jack Really? I wish I could draw like that—I could probably draw a 3D cube, but that's about it. My skills don't get
much beyond cubes—and half the time I even mess up the 3D part!
These types of statements are also great to toss around in order to paint your self-portrait in shades of
humility. Look a few more examples:
I never knew/experienced _____ .
I didn't expect/think I'd find _____ .
I never knew there were _____ .
I was expecting a _____ , not _____ .
Am I the only one who can't _____ ?
If you're not taking advantage of flaws and only sharing your good traits and behaviors, you're
shortchanging some of the best—and most interesting—aspects of your personality.
Think about your favorite comedian—there's a 75% chance that he or she relies on a heavy dose of self-
deprecating humor. It's one of the most common comedic techniques.
A few years ago, I was riding in a car with my new boss, and she asked me how to find our destination. I
responded rather bluntly, "I'll be honest, I'm navigationally impaired...I'm probably the worst person to ask for
directions. If I say turn 'left,' you're probably better off turning 'right!'" She quickly admitted that she, too, was
horrible at navigating, and we both had a few laughs over who was worse! It was a good bonding experience.
When you leverage mistakes instead of fear them, mistakes can often lead to fun and engaging tangents
rather than awkward moments. As a bonus, accepting yourself is also the best protection against feeling
anxious after making a mistake or being verbally bullied. Nothing steals the power from an awkward situation
or dulls the sharp barbs of a bully better than being the first to point out your mistakes or flaws.
Many statements can turn an anxious situation into a light-hearted event. True confidence comes from
accepting one's flaws, and confidence shows when you embrace your flaws in public:
I can't believe I just did that! I'm so scatterbrained today.
Trust me, you don't want to see my drawing. .a five-year-old could probably draw better.
Maybe I need more coffee!
We shouldn't take my car—it will probably break down on the way there!
Sorry, I've just been on auto-pilot this morning.
I just completely butchered that expression, didn't I?
One time a colleague of mine committed a small error by misspelling some simple word in a report. When it
was pointed out to her, she handled it brilliantly. She quickly acknowledged her mistake and then
exaggeratingly mocked herself. "Oh yeah, I added an extra 'T.' Apparently, I don't know how to write or spell
anymore!" Everyone chuckled, and the conversation moved on.
Over the years, many colleagues have made lemonade out of lemons. Another colleague, Beth, didn't see a
mistake that was obvious to everyone else. "Oooh, now I see it! That was my 'duh!' moment for the day. I'm
glad I got that over with, now I can be smart for a while."
Next time you say something weird, dumb, or off-putting, try this gem: "That's just the first thing that
popped into my head...I don't know why!" For extra effect, add "I need to work on my internal filters."
One of the reasons most people don't embark on more social interactions is because they're afraid of saying
something "stupid" or making a mistake. But when you come to terms with your imperfections, and you realize
how to capitalize on mistakes, you no longer feel that fear. You take more chances, and you experience more
social interactions. You go forth with extra confidence.
Remember, if you're not taking advantage of flaws, and only discussing your good traits and behaviors,
you're shortchanging some of the more interesting aspects of your personality.
Relationships can't thrive without trust. Be honest about your shortcomings and share personal stories,
even if they're a little embarrassing—people like people who aren't afraid to take down their façade. Being
comfortable with your flaws or lack of skills also helps put others at ease.
We live in a world where everyone wears a mask and plays a part. Businesses are structured to encourage
competitiveness, artificial demeanors, and political game playing. But sometimes it helps to be a little
transparent. When do something that may not be to your favor or doesn't look calculated, you help establish
trust.
Unless your credibility is on the line, take ownership of your mistakes and admit when you were wrong.
Hold yourself accountable to whatyou promise or whatyou try to be and do. For example, admit that you don't
know all the answers, disclose that you accidentally messed up part of the project, or apologize when you're
late. Don't act flawless.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Try to bring up something you don't know, didn't know, or can't do. Watch how it opens up a conversation.
CONNECTING AND GROWING SMALL TALK
43.
BOSSES KNOW
HOW TO
CONNECT
Learn how to make lightning-fast connections.
Conversation could be described as a network of connections. Connections within a topic, and connections
from one topic to the next: from riding horses to eating ice cream; from describing a movie to feelings toward
the president. Mastering the art of making connections, connecting to others, and helping others connect is
imperative to maintaining great small talk.
Next time you're struggling with finding a quick response, try the Me, Too Technique. By expressing that you,
too, also experienced something similar or feel the same way, you can quickly form a connection. Next time
someone glumly says, "Oh, it's been one of those days," you could say, "Yeah, I've definitely had those days
too." Next time someone says, "I'm getting some lunch soon," you can quickly respond, "Yeah, I'm probably
going to look for lunch soon too." Easy, huh? It doesn't always work, but keep it in your back pocket. In case
you missed the 57 other times I mentioned it already, sharing experiences is a fundamental part of small talk.
So, what about those times when you definitely don't share the same experiences or feelings? You could flip
the Me, Too Technique on its head and say the opposite of what they're doing or thinking. For example, someone
states, "I'm trying the triple burger," you could respond with how you're the opposite, "Oh, I could never eat
that, I'd have heartburn for two weeks!" Or, "I wish I had the stomach for that, I usual
ly don't get more than a
salad for lunch."
It's important to prime your brain to look for more connections than you do currently. Conversation can be
intimidating because a response is often expected in only a few seconds, but with endless possibilities, a good
response is hard to deliver. Fillers help buy time, and of course FOOFAAE is there for you, but when you need a
quality comment in a hurry, look no further than feeler categories (You, Them, and the Environment). Not only
do they excel at initiating conversation, but they double as lightning-fast responses if you're brain has been
trained to look out for them.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
A friend tells you a story about accidentally falling asleep on a bench while visiting a famous monument.
How would you respond? The options are seemingly limitless, aren't they? Your brain quickly becomes
overwhelmed if it searches for every possible response option in the recesses of your memory. Focusing your
brain to look through feeler categories is the first step to speeding up the time it takes to generate an
interesting response. Check out a few possible feeler responses to your friend's story:
You
Relate it back to yourself. Did you like the thing they talked about or not? Have you done something
similar? Do you know it or not? Do you want to do it or not?
I would be mortified if I did that.
I've done my share of embarrassing things like that, too.
I don't think I've ever done anything that embarrassing before.
Them
Comment or question what was done or said. Point out something interesting or unusual. Gather more
information.
You fell asleep for three hours? You must have been exhausted!
How long were you asleep for?
That sounds dangerous; I'm glad y ou didn't get robbed!
Environment
Comment or question how it relates to the surroundings or people in the immediate environment. Does the
action or statement impact anything?
Did anyone notice?
Were there a lot of crowds?
I can't believe no one woke you up!
44.
BOSSES KNOW
HOW TO
CONNECT WITH
FOOFAAE
Leverage the FOOFAAE framework to help you form connections and think of good responses.
The FOOFAAE framework is not only useful for initiating comments and asking questions, but it's also a great
model for thinking of how to respond to someone else's comments.
Let's revisit example FOOFAAE statements and questions designed to initiate:
FEELING: I absolutely love your dog.
OBSERVATION: You have such a well-behaved dog.
OPINION: I think Pugs are the best kind of small dog breed.
FACT: I was reading that dogs are partially colorblind.
ACTION STATEMENT: I want to adopt a dog like that.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY: My brother has a Pug, too.
EVENT: Did you hear Frank just adopted a dog last month?
For the sake of making a point, it's possible to respond to each previous FOOFAAE statement using the same
FOOFAAE category. For example, if someone starts with a Feeling comment, you could respond with a Feeling
comment. Take a look at the parallel responses to each of the FOOFAAE statements:
FEELING: I love him too, I wouldn't trade him for anything.
OBSERVATION: Yeah, surprisingly, he's acting pretty good now.
OPINION: I do, too, but I'd probably say Shih Tzu's are a close second.
FACT: Someone told me they could only see in blues or yellows—do you know if that's true?
ACTION STATEMENT: You should! You could go down to the shelter this weekend) I think they're having a hig adoption
event.
AUTOBIOGRAPHY: That's funny, I used to have a dog like that who always _____ , too.
EVENT: Did he? I wonder if he adopted from the hig adoption event the shelter had last month.
Of course, you could respond to any FOOFAAE category with any other FOOFAAE category.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Your friend discloses to you, "I'm thinking of traveling to Madagascar." Try to respond to your friend with a
comment from each FOOFAAE category: Feeling, Observation, Opinion, Fact, Action, Autobiography, and Event.
When you're done, look at the following examples (No peeking!). Of course, some comments could fall under
multiple categories—don't get hung up on that.
Feelings
I would love to go to Madagascar—I don't know anything about it.
I don't think I'd ever want to go that far away. Are you nervous about going?
Observation/Opinion
That's very adventurous of you.
You're starting to sound like the next Indianajones or something.
You're always going on trips. You have such an interesting life. You would love it there.
Facts
I heard they like to wrestle cows there. I think it's some sport they play. We have baseball, and they have cow wrestling.
Do you know much about that country?
I bet it's really hot there.
Action Statement
You should go. If I had the money, I would go right now!
I want to go with you! Could you pack me in your suitcase?
If you do go, youll have to buy a _____ for a souvenir.
Autobiography
That's awesome. I've seen the movie Madagascar with my kids, but that's the closest I've come.
What made you decide to pick Madagascar?
Have you ever done anything like that before?
Event
That's awesome. Remember when Andy went to Egypt? He said it was the time of his life.
When are you thinking of going?
You should try to visit the _____ , I heard it was great.
If you still can't think of anything within the FOOFAAE categories, there a few more options for keeping a
conversation flowing. First, remember the small talk fillers for buying time. You can always summarize or
paraphrase what was said.
Paraphrase
You want to go to Madagascar, huh?
Wow. You're thinking of traveling to Africa?
Second, if you can't think of anything, and asking a follow-up question isn't preferable, maybe it's time to
change the topic. Of course, pivoting too far away from a topic is not ideal unless you feel strongly about not
continuing with it.
Change the Topic Completely
That's cool, but I'd be a little nervous. Did you hear about what's happening in Kenya right now?
I could never do that. I'm perfectly happy traveling in this country. I'm actually thinking of going to Yellowstone—
have you been?
45.
BOSSES LOOK
FOR FREE
INFORMATION
Knowing how to look for free information will improve the overall quality of y our responses.
People give away free information all the time. Free information is simply the information another person
brings up (or hints) during a conversation, and which provides a glimpse of what they may (or may not) be
interested in talking more about. It's your job to look for it and take advantage of it. When you recognize this
free information, try to connect with it.
In the following example, Justin proves he isn't skilled at picking up free information:
Justin: Hi, Randal. How was your weekend?
Randal: Good, we had a great time. I wasn't able to do much dancing, but that's fine.
Justin: Well, I'm glad you had a good time.
Randal Yeah, we did.
If Justin h
ad read this book, his conversation might have proceeded more like this:
Justin: Hi, Randal. How was your weekend?
Randal: Good, we had a great time. I wasn't able to do much dancing, but that's fine.
Justin: You weren't able to dance? Why not?
Randal: Well, actually, what happened was.
The second time around, Justin picked up on the free information Randal offered and steered the
conversation to the topic of why Randal couldn't dance. People won't always advertise with flashing signs what
they want to discuss. Stay alert for free information and hot-button topics. People also tend to add a little extra
energy behind certain comments if they are more interested or invested in that topic.
The other day I was at a park with my four-year-old son. We were sitting on the grass when suddenly a
large yellow lab came sprinting up to us. A woman, walking briskly after him, shouted to us, "Sorry!" As she got
closer, she continued, "He likes to chase squirrels! Cammy, get over here!" She just offered free information.
I simply acknowledged her statement with something straightforward, "Yeah, I can see that!" But the better
approach would be to inquire further or offer free information in return. Try to connect to mutually shared
interests and information. Find commonalities. I should have responded with one of the following:
OPTION 1: Hey, I have a Pug who does the same thing!
OPTION 2: If I had to chase a dog like that I wouldn't need a fitness club!
OPTION 3: That's okay—my son likes to chase squirrels, too!
The sharing of information goes a long way toward creating and building rapport. All of these phrase
options help establish a social connection based on shared information, interests, and experiences.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Start becoming more aware of the free information people offer you. It won't always be obvious.
46.
BOSSES
DEVELOP THEIR
KEYWORD
RADAR
Keywords help improve the quality and speed of your responses.
Noticing keywords will help you respond faster and with more specific comments. Keywords or phrases help
aim your brain toward a target. If your brain has to only search for responses related to a keyword, the search
becomes ten times easier. In many instances, your response would include the keyword also.