The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists
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Before we dive too deeply into keywords, check out some examples of keywords in action. The keywords
are in bold:
Dave: How's it going? Living the dream?
You: Yeah, I don't know about dream. If it was a dream, I don't think I'd be writing a research paper right now—I'd probably be boating on a lake.
Henry: That's the swanky bar all the rich people go to.
You: Yeah, you're right. I can smell the swank from here—and it's kind of sour, like rotten milk.
Art: Your salad looks good—it looks very Mediterranean.
You: I love olives and feta—I guess I'm just a Mediterranean kind of guy.
Isaaa You look lost.
You: The only thing lost is my mind.
You: How was your weekend?
William: Busy.
You: Good busy or bad busy?
Pat: Your dog is so weird.
You: He's not weird, he's introspective.
Keywords typically stand out from the rest of a comment in some manner, often because they are the most
descriptive or important part of a phrase. Some people deliberately choose uncommon words that stand out, or
place extra emphasis on common words, or a combination of both. The "key" is to know when you hear them.
Do you struggle to respond quickly? You may be getting hung up on cycling through too many possible
response options without a clear sense of direction or target to aim at. Your brain quickly becomes overloaded
if it isn't focused on something specific. That's where mental models like The Big Three or FOOFAAE categories
come in handy. Listening for keywords is just another good strategy for helping generate quick responses.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Here's an example of the small talk that occurs when people first meet at a gathering. See if you can pick out the
three keywords they use to keep the conversation flowing quickly. Tom and Hank are friends and just ran into each
other at Hank's party:
Tom: There he is, the head of the house.
Hank: Head of the garage is more like it. The only head of the house is standing over there. (Points to his wife)
Tom: Ha! It's good to see you.
Hank: Tom, I'm glad you could make it.
Tom: Make it? I wouldn't miss it!
Hank: Great. .
Tom: Plus, I bet there's better drinks than the crap I have at home.
Hank: That's probably a safe bet, and only one way to find out.
Did you find the keywords? "Head," "Make it," and "Bet." Nothing inherently interesting about those words,
yet they served as key pieces of each response.
47.
BOSSES HUNT
FOR HOT
BUTTONS
Hot button topics will help you maintain meaningful, interesting conversations.
You want to earn your black belt in the sacred art of maintaining conversations? Be on the look-out for hot-
button topics. In other words, topics that really seem to strike a chord with other people. Topics that make
people light up, that bring out some passion or interest. Everyone has hot-button topics they prefer to discuss—
your job should be to hunt for those and keep the conversation revolving around them. The most successful
conversationalists go one step further and find the hot-button topics that everyone in a conversation prefers.
Overlapping hot-button topics, like the middle of a Venn diagram, are the sweet spots of small talk.
This is where it helps to know your audience and explains why we all struggle with conversations with
unfamiliar people. Because you won't always know their hot buttons, you have to go fishing. As discussed
already, listen for the free information they offer. Listen for the keywords.
I suggest introducing connectable topics that have a good track record for working well with the majority
of people. Refer back to the TAPP topics for help with connectable topics.
Pets, restaurants, food, and sports—they are timeless topics most people can relate to. Bosses cram their
mental storage tanks with thoughts and experiences on hundreds of popular topics.
Remember, the best topics are those that your conversation partner both wants to contribute to and can contribute to.
For example, if your partner likes listening to jazz music, but doesn't know anything about it, they won't be
able to contribute much. If you find yourself doing all the talking, it may be time to find a better topic.
Tune-in to how your friends feel about topics. I have friends who love discussing sports, video games, and
movies, but not much else. Other friends become energized when discussing politics or global issues. Keep a
mental note of the hot topics for each person you know.
Don't forget that sometimes the best topics are simple and light. People can feel very passionate about
super-trivial things like toothpaste or pillows. (The characters on Seinfeld used to entertain millions by
passionately discussing trivial topics.) One time my friends and I were talking at lunch. One guy was talking
about how his fridge was bare and that there was nothing to eat at his house. It was a standard conversation
lacking any hot topics. At one point, I stated an average opinion, "You should go buy a bunch of Hot Pockets."
Bingo! Connectable topic introduced. But wait, that doesn't look like a hot topic, does it? I didn't realize it at
the time, but the simple comment hit on a very hot topic that everyone could contribute to and wanted to
contribute to.
Apparently, every person involved in the conversation had experiences, opinions, and knowledge of Hot
Pockets. Here are some actual comments that grew from introducing the Hot Pocket topic:
I love Hot Pockets. They have these new kinds I think called Pretzel Pockets—they are so good. I could eat them every
day.
I think you can buy breakfast pockets too—you could seriously eat Hot Pockets for every meal!
You eat Hot Pockets? I never thought you were a bachelor-type guy.
Have you ever heard of Jim Gaffigan? He has the funniest skit about Hot Pockets not cooking all the way. I can't
remember it exactly, but he said something like _____ .
That's so true. Why can't mine ever be hot all the way through? Maybe they should be called Hot and Cold Pockets or
Hot-on-the-outside-Pockets.
Maybe I just need to learn how to use my microwave correctly.
I want to buy a freezer for my basement just for Hot Pockets, like 500 of them.
You'll never go hungry again—and when the apocalypse comes, you'll be ready!
But if there's a power outage, you'll have 500 Moldy Pockets!
The conversation became fun, lively, and exceptional; I had Hot Pockets to thank for the experience. In fact,
many of the opinions that sprouted from my simple opinion were themselves highly connectable.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
What are your hot topics? What do you love talking about? What topics have the power to turn on your
personality and bring out the best conversationalist in you?
Just as important, what do your friends and colleagues enjoy talking about the most?
48.
BOSSES OFFER
SOMETHING TO
CHEW ON
Maintaining good small talk and good connections are impossible without good contributions.
As a child, I remember asking my youngest brother to play tennis with me. After a few games of beating him
soundly, I realized the experience was no longer enjoyable for me. We didn't play tennis again. It wasn't his
fault that he just couldn't hit the ball back to me consistently enough to keep the game engaging. (Now that
Starting conversations isn't a solo act. Always assume responsibility for helping get a fledgling conversation
off the ground. You may have asked a good question, but it's important to avoid assuming the other person will
carry any of the conversation's weight. Your job isn't done after asking a good question or responding to
someone's initial question.
It's important always to ask yourself if you're being a good tennis partner. Saying "Yeah, I know," or "That's
cool," or "I bet" is the equivalent of swatting the ball out of bounds. A good tennis game can't get started
without both parties contributing. (Unless, of course, you're talking to Chatty Cathy, but for the sake of
argument, let's say you're talking to someone with average conversational skills.) Look at the following
exchange:
Meredith: I love your dog.
Willy: Thanks.
Every day, many conversations die an early death in exactly this manner, especially if one of the
conversation partners refuses to disclose much information or expand on a thought or topic. Just because
someone initiated a few first words and opened a dialogue, doesn't mean a conversation has truly started.
Be a good partner by making conversation as effortless as possible. Help others draw good connections.
Help others get the conversation off the ground. Offer free information on relevant topics and give them
options. Be someone easy to talk to.
In the above exchange, all Willy had to do was offer one little free nugget of information and it could have
sparked an entire conversation. Let's enter a parallel universe and revisit the example:
Meredith I love your dog.
Willy: Thanks. He's getting very old.
Meredith: Yeah? So is my dog—he's already nine years old—I can't believe it. The other day he.
Boom! Did you hear that sound? An interesting conversation was born. Don't be an information hoarder!
Give some interesting nuggets away for free. In fact, have a fire sale! You will be amazed at the conversations
that blossom if you just plant the seeds of free information.
Tailor your free information to your conversation partner's interests. When in doubt, presume you'll find
common ground and support each other's feelings and thoughts. What would your conversation partner be
interested to know? In the previous example, it was clear Meredith liked dogs, so Willy offered additional
information about his dog—it doesn't get much easier than that. Look for hints at what someone may be
interested in. Refer to the TAPP topics if you aren't sure.
Recently, a friend initiated with "What have you been up to?" I couldn't think of anything more than a
generic filler comment as a response; I basically gave him nothing to chew on and the conversation started to
fizzle quickly. But before it completely died, I thought of something from my timeline to offer:
Well, Rowan just started piano lessons.so that's been an adventure. We're not sure how long that's going to last.
My friend suddenly had a variety of options to inquire about or connect to. He could have asked for
additional info about: my son, piano lessons, the cost of lessons, the appropriate age, who the teacher was,
other instruments, etc. He could have connected back to his own musical experiences growing up, which would
lead to a discussion about both of our current music experiences. I won't tell you how he connected, but the
conversation flowed for another ten minutes because I gave him plenty to chew on.
Receiving compliments is notoriously hard because after you respond with "Thank you," what then?
Providing a detail about what someone's complimenting is often all that's necessary to keep the conversation
flowing. For example, someone compliments your shoes: "I love those high heels!" Rather than stopping the
conversation train at "Thank you," add an additional detail they can latch onto. For example:
I got them on sale at XYZ Shoes, aren't they nice? I fell in love with them as soon as I saw them.
I wasn't sure if they'd be comfortable at work but so far, my feet feel great.
I only bring them out for special occasions, and since it's my husband's anniversary today.
If you can't think of any new content or information to add, then at least ask a follow-up question so the
person is inclined to expand on the specific topic. If you don't know the other person well, you may have to
look for clues or rely on common or popular topics until you find a hot topic that sticks.
The other day, I had to drop off medicine to my son at school. I was waiting in the lobby when another
parent sat down nearby with medicine in her hand. I started a conversation by establishing instant
commonality:
Me: Do you have a sick child, too?
Her: Yeah.strep.
That's it. We had commonality, however, the conversation required another kick in the butt in order to get
going. I added a fact that I thought would interest her.
Me: Us, too. I think five kids have got it already in his class.
Her: Yeah, it's definitely going around.luckily no one else in our family has it yet.
Me: Yeah, we've been lucky, too. My other son hasn't got it yet. Knock on wood.
Her: I have two other daughters, so far so good. My three-year-old tends to get sick all the time, so it's probably only a
matter of time.
She started offering more information. The conversation started to flow, and we continued talking for a
while.
Notice I started with a feeler about them ("Do you have a sick child, too?"). Then I continued the
conversation with a feeler about the environment ("I think five kids have got it already in his class."), and she
disclosed a you feeler about something personal ("Luckily, no one else in our family has it yet.")? Together, we
hit The Big Three fairly quickly. Keep in mind, I provided options I thought she'd be interested in.
After the initial round of feelers, we started revealing more personal information and transitioned into a
wider variety of comments from the FOOFAAE spectrum. Later I offered an opinion about how I thought
schools could avoid so many illnesses, and she offered a fact she read about recently.
I previously mentioned an example of someone starting a conversation at a gym. The guy said, "Hey, are
you still working on that machine? I don't want to be a total jerk and take it if you are." Notice the second part
of what he said. He might have just stopped after asking the question, but he added the second bit about not
wanting to be rude. His question was almost too simple and too closed-ended, which most likely would have
received a simple, "No, go ahead." But he added another option for the woman to connect to. Also notice that
he might have said he didn't want to be "rude," but opted for the more playful and exaggerated, "total jerk."
That added some playfulness to his comment.
Here's how the woman in the example actually responded, "Oh no, it's okay, you're not being a total jerk.
I'll let you know if you are, ha ha." Yep, she chuckled at the end. The guy officially broke the ice and was free to
ask follow-up questions more naturally from that point on.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Become more aware of how much content you offer the other person to chew on. Are you helping the
conversation get started? Do you have some backup comments to add in case the conversation stalls?
49.
BOSSES
/>
SPRINKLE IN
CONNECTABLE
KEYWORDS
Listening to someone's keywords can help you respond, so return the favor.
Offering something to chew on, including free information and hot topic comments, is necessary for cultivating
meaningful, balanced conversations. The next step to becoming an exceptional small talk partner is to drop in
keywords, in order to help your partner respond even faster and more smoothly.
Examine the example below to see how a few keywords make the difference between bland and engaging
information. The first example lacks anything in particular that would trigger an interesting response:
Erin: Last week he wasn't doing well, he looked pretty sick.
Kate: He was sick?
Erin: Yeah, he was out for a few days.
Kate: But he's better now, right?
Erin: Yeah.
Kate: That's good.
Erin offered free information and disclosed that her child was sick. The word "sick" was the keyword in the
statement, but it was a fairly boring keyword. It may have helped the conversation partner respond, but there
were better options. When it's replaced by a more interesting or meaningful keyword, check out what happens:
Erin: Last week he wasn't doing well, he looked like he might have scarlet fever or something.
Kate: He did? I haven't heard of anyone getting that. It sounds so Victorian.
Erin: I know, doesn't it?
Kate: Wasn't that what the little boy had in the Velveteen Rabbit?
Erin: Exactly! I didn't think anyone got scarlet fever these days!
Kate: But he's better now, right?
See how well that worked? The keywords "scarlet fever" triggered many more possible connections than
the word "sick." And even if he didn't have scarlet fever, it could have been referenced anyway for fun. "He was
pretty sick...we were just glad it wasn't scarlet fever or something!"
Listening for keywords will aid your ability to respond, but try to return the favor. Purposely add more
interesting keywords to your comments so others not only have an easier time responding but also have an
easier time saying something interesting in return!
Some words are just going to spark more discussion and reactions than others. You don't always know what