The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists

by Gregory Peart

  payment for bringing me things. After finishing the story, one of my friends offered a great summary: "So the

  secret to Rowan's heart is junk food— good to know." Check out a few more summaries:

  Margaret: My Bloody Mary had too much asparagus and cucumber.

  William: So basically, you drank a salad.

  Margaret: Yeah, exactly!

  Margaret: How was the trip?

  Joe: It was fun, but also kind of stressful with the kids running around everywhere.

  Margaret: It sounds like you need a vacation from your vacation!

  Joe: Exactly!

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  If you currently don't paraphrase or rephrase, start doing it more often. When you do, think about ways to

  tweak or twist your echo into something more interesting.

  57.

  BOSSES HELP A

  TOPIC GROW

  When appropriate, go beyond echoing, and try to grow the topic collaboratively.

  Echoing is a great strategy for when time is limited and you can't think of much else, but bosses aren't parrots.

  Try to expand and grow the message beyond the original intent. Reflecting the other person's message in a new

  way helps them work through sides of the issue or topic that they may not have thought of before. Your goal is

  to grow more than just someone's thoughts— grow the topic in general. When you offer your unique

  contributions, stories, and opinions, the conversation as a whole benefits.

  Notice in the following examples how Kenny picks up on underlying meanings and feelings and offers Steph

  another way to express how she feels. Kenny also offers his own feelings on the topic to help keep the

  conversation balanced.

  Kenny: What are you doing this weekend?

  Steph: Well, Steve is out of town, so I'm just going to sleep in and relax.

  Kenny: I hear you—sometimes you just need a day to unwind and do nothing at all. I call those my 'lazy-days.'

  Steph: Exactly! I haven't had a 'lazy-day' in a long time.

  Kenny: Yeah, I don't think I can remember the last time my kids let me sleep in.

  Expanding the other person's message and topic with new thoughts not only proves you're digesting and

  processing the meaning behind the words, but also offers new connection possibilities and improves the overall

  flow of a conversation.

  In the following example, notice how Cat expands on Mark's initial statements. Mark doesn't ask a question

  or ask for feedback on anything, but Cat takes the initiative to offer new connections and share thoughts (all

  the while keeping the interchange focused on Mark's topic).

  Mark: I think I'll try the sandwich with bacon. I love bacon.

  Cat: Yeah, so do I. You can put bacon on anything, and it would taste good. .salads. .omelets. .I can never get enough.

  Mark: I know! It seems like bacon is all the rage this year— everyone's talking about it.

  Cat: Yeah, I feel like every cooking show is using it this year. Every time I go get fast food I see a sign for a new bacon

  burger. Have you tried the Baconator yet?

  In a sense, once someone plants a seed, a good listener helps it grow larger than it would grow on its own.

  Good listeners aim to be the "gardeners" of messages. Examine the following conversation between two

  friends. The names are intentionally left out because it doesn't really matter who said what.

  I hate split peas.

  Me too! When I was a kid, I announced that all peas were my mortal enemy.

  I think most kids probably did.

  True, probably because they're so mushy.

  Most vegetables are usually served mushy, that's probably why kids don't usually like vegetables in general.

  Broccoli especially.

  That's an entirely different level of hatred.

  But carrots, I've always loved carrots.

  I just had the best carrot side dish at Peart's Steakhouse.

  Each person contributed to the growth of the conversation, and that's what matters in the end.

  What if you simply agree and can't think of anything else to say? Did the other person stop after offering an

  opinion? If yes, maybe you can provide the support?

  Check out another interaction where Melissa not only expands the general theme of the conversation but

  adds support to Libby's initial statement.

  Libby: Now that my son is four he's growing so fast.

  Melissa: Yeah, I'm surprised you can even find time to buy all the new clothes for him.

  Libby: Yeah, I'm not sure how I get it done. Isn't it crazy how they grow like weeds at that age?

  Melissa: Aiden is six, and he finally started slowing down— thank goodness, because I was tired of shopping every

  month!

  Every opinion has two primary responses—agreement or disagreement. If simply agreeing is too boring, the

  straw man strategy (create a new target to aim at) should prove helpful. Watch Bridget put it into action:

  Megan: We're thinking of getting a dog soon.

  Bridget: Oh yeah? What kind?

  Megan: I'm not sure, probably a lab. I love labs. They get along with anyone.

  In this case, Bridget wants to agree, but instead of sticking with a boring "I love labs, too," and stopping

  there, she connects to Megan's last few words about how they get along with anyone.

  Bridget: Yeah, I don't get people who have dogs that want to fight or bite everything. What's the point of having a dog

  if you can't take him anywhere?

  Notice how Bridget beautifully employs the straw man technique by setting up a straw man target (people

  who intentionally buy mean dogs) and offering an opinion on them. It serves as an interesting contrast to

  Megan's opinion, while still agreeing with her and growing the topic. Bravo, Bridget!

  Take Advantage of Hypothetical Statements

  A hypothetical statement is a perfect option for growing a sentiment in an interesting and playful way. Talk

  about what could, should, or would happen. On the flipside, mention what didn't happen. Let's break down the

  concept using an example in which a colleague expresses their frustrations to you about a situation at work:

  Colleague: I don't know if I handled it correctly.

  You: I think you did a good job.

  So far, so good, but it could be much better with a hypothetical statement.

  You: At least you didn't storm into his office and say something offensive like, 'And another thing! I think your new

  hair-cut sucks!'

  The above hypothetical proves that you understand what they were thinking and feeling—but in a more

  dynamic way. It also helps a conversation partner express feelings in a new, playful way.

  Let's say you're at the movies with a date:

  Date: I just wanted a small cup of water, but they made me pay for the normal size fountain drink!

  You: Really? What's the deal with that? Like they can't afford to give you a cup just for water.

  Not bad so far, but it becomes much more dynamic with a hypothetical.

  You: It's not like you're going to jump over the counter and steal some Sprite while they're not looking!

  Inserting yourself into someone's story is another technique for offering hypothetical statements. Think

  about those times where someone just finished telling a story or describing a particular situation and you

  couldn't think of how to respond. If you experienced the events in the story, how might you have responded?

  How might you have acted? How might you have been affected? Examine how Michelle inserts herself into

  Dave's situation:

  Dave: And then the water started flooding my basement, and I started see
ing sparks.Jt was not good.

  Michelle: That scares the hell out of me. If I saw sparks and water, I'd be like 'Honey, we need to get out of here! Now!'

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  Make more of an effort to help a conversation topic grow.

  58.

  BOSSES CAN

  CARRY A

  CONVERSATION

  Sometimes, in order to maintain small talk, you have to carry the weight by yourself for a while.

  Many people want to make small talk but sadly just aren't any good at it. Bosses adjust their conversation

  styles to adapt to their partners. If they see someone struggling, they help out.

  For an overly simplified example, an extrovert might ask an introvert, "Do you like going out?" And

  noticing that the introvert is struggling (or just taking too long), the extrovert may interject, "I bet you like

  just hanging out at home on a Saturday night, right?" Which makes responding easier for the introvert: "Yeah,

  exactly."

  Bosses sometimes carry the load for others by guessing or observing their feelings. "You're probably like, 'I

  just want to get out of here!'" My wife and I have had many conversations with other couples, where often a

  chatty wife would talk for her more reserved husband. "John loves fishing, too, don't you John?"

  On a side note, extrovert does not equal exceptional conversationalist. It's been discovered that the most

  successful conversationalists are actually "ambiverts"—people who could tap into both their introverted and

  extroverted personality traits. Ambiverts are more conversationally flexible, more intuitive, and more

  influential. Sometimes it helps to be outgoing and social, and sometimes it's prudent to sit back and let other

  people do the talking.

  The following conversation took place at a hair salon. (I admit it's a long example, but I promise it has a

  surprise ending!)

  Person A: Did you go watch any fireworks?

  Person B: I used to go to all of them as a teenager.

  Person A: I was so crazy—I would drive all over town looking for them. I didn't care if someone hit my car.

  Person B: I used to drive this big boat car. It was probably as big as my living room. People would try to threaten me,

  too. They'd say 'move or Ill hit your carl' and I'd say 'go ahead!'

  Person A: They don't make them like that anymore. I was just at a car show in Detroit.

  Person B: Did you see that new X hybrid? Apparently, it's like the Rolls Royce of hybrid cars. Honestly, I'd rather just

  buy a house.

  Person A: That's a lottery car—you only buy that if you win the lottery.

  Person B: But actually, if I won the lottery I'd probably buy something else—maybe a deluxe Winnebago. I'd see the

  states. Quit my job. Tell my boss to go shove it where the sun don't shinel

  Person A: We can dream, can't we?

  So what's the surprise? What I forgot to mention is that Person A and Person B were actually the same

  person: Linda. She was the hair stylist and was forced to make all the conversation connections because her

  conversation partner (the client— let's call him Pete) only gave her an occasional nod or a "Yeah." Pete was a

  major information hoarder and conversation blocker. Granted, he may not have been in a mood to talk, but he

  was very rude about it. The hair stylist just connected to herself over and over again in order to keep the

  conversation going. She could have had this conversation with her goldfish: it didn't really matter who the

  other person was.

  Conversations like the one I heard at the hair salon are not that rare. Sometimes it's necessary for you to

  carry a conversation until you hit upon something the other person can contribute to (or wants to contribute

  to). Sometimes you may feel like you're forcing a conversation to occur through sheer will-power and brute

  force. And obviously, if you're not receiving any positive signs or encouragement, maybe it's time to press the

  abort button and move on to something else.

  If you're at a loss for words or dealing with a reticent person who isn't helping with the conversation, ask

  yourself, "What might this person be wondering?" Or, "What might this person be curious about?" In fact,

  some bosses will actually say aloud the questions they think their uncommunicative conversation partners are

  thinking but are too timid to ask. Like Linda at the hair salon, when push comes to shove, bosses will carry both

  sides of a conversation: "Why did I do that? Well, because I____."

  Maybe someone came over to your desk at work to wish you a happy birthday. Rather than blocking small

  talk with a simple "thank you," you might think about your well-wisher's unasked questions. For example, a

  typical birthday question is "What are you doing to celebrate?" You can answer that question before it's actually

  asked. "Thank you...I didn't really plan anything for my birthday; maybe I'll go see a movie—I'm so boring. Have

  any good ideas?"

  USE IT OR LOSE IT

  The more time you dedicate to studying and practicing, the more you'll improve. Spend some time studying the

  examples in the Conversation Samples in the next section of the book. They're authentic and borrowed from

  very lively, engaging conversations. Analyze how they start, how they're maintained, and how they end.

  Analyze the individual contributions of each person—how did they structure their comments?

  CONVERSATION SAMPLES

  CONVERSATION 1

  Four work acquaintances (Persons A, B, C, and D) all engage in lively small talk at lunch. First, notice how each

  initial statement triggers a handful of comments, eventually transitioning to a related topic.

  Person A initiates with the first topic about their soda habits.

  A: I thought I'd break my streak and have a Coke today. I used to be addicted to soda. Basically, every day—even for

  breakfast. But now I'm down to one a week. I'm very proud of myself. It's probably my greatest accomplishment in life

  so far.

  B: I used to love drinking soda, but I'm completely off it now. I tried it a while ago and didn't even like it—it's like my

  body rejects it as a foreign substance now.

  C: Ever had McDonald's Coke? It's the best. I don't know what magic they use, but it's better than buying Coke itself

  from the store.

  D: Maybe they add extra sugar or something.

  Person C introduces a new topic, within the food/beverage category.

  C: I saw a commercial for Taco Bell breakfast recently. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

  D: Never tried it.

  A: It's actually surprisingly good.

  B: Their coffee too. .and that's no easy feat.

  Person A transitions directly to a topic related to the previous topic.

  D: The Taco Bell menu confuses me. I feel like I need to speak Spanish just to understand the difference between

  burrito, cheeserito, fajito. .

  B: Have you tried the new Quesarito? The first time I had it, it blew my mind. A quesadilla wrapped around a

  burrito. .so good. .It made me so happy.

  C: Taco Bell is the best junk food. And I consider it in the healthy junk food class. Not like real junk food places like

  Greasy Joe's down on 5th Avenue.

  Person D takes the food category in a new direction.

  D: Ever had Conrad's on 4th? Now they have some good burgers. I always get the Godfather. It's so good.

  B: Which one has the cheesy barbeque sauce and a side of deep fried Mac and cheese? That's what I'm talking about.

  C: Oh, that sounds really healthy. Do they actually serve any veg
etables at that place?

  A: If you count the French fries, then yes, they serve a ton of vegetables!

  D: It's very healthy!

  Person B introduces a related food topic.

  B: I just saw a coupon for Burger King while I was cleaning. I was like Oh I forgot about Burger King!' I haven't been

  there in so long!

  D: I like Burger King better than McDonalds.

  A: What about Wendy's? Don't forget about the Frosty!

  C: That's all I like there.

  B: If Taco Bell could serve Frosties, it would be the ultimate fast food chain. It would literally take over the world.

  CONVERSATION 2

  One thing you may notice about the following conversation is the lack of questions. When two friends are

  actively sharing, commenting, and contributing to a conversation, asking questions isn't always necessary to

  maintain the flow. (The names have been removed so you can focus on the flow rather than who said what.)

  I could use a double bacon burger and fries from XYZ Burger.

  You're giving me a craving for XYZ burgers now.

  Sorry!

  I love their fries too. And there's always a bonus fry. It's always at the bottom of the bag. It waits for y ou and gets all

  cold and hard. But just when you thought there were none left, you get a bonus.

  I know, they're great. And I don't even care if it's all black and burned—I'll still eat it!

  Yeah, I love their greasy food. Your arteries might get clogged for two weeks, but it's worth it!

  They have good olive burgers too.

  I know, and those are so hard to find anywhere. I've looked all over.

  I was hanging out with some friends a while ago, and it turned out one of the guys owns a XYZ burger place.

  Wow. That would be so much fun. Oh my gosh, I'd weigh at least 300 pounds. If I knew him, I'd be like 'Can I come in

  and buy your XYZ ABC in bulk and take it home?'

  Yeah, those are so good. They're just so flavorful. They don't taste cheap. I don't know how they do it. And I'm not even

  a big guacamole fan except for their ABC. They put X and Z on it too.Jt' so good.

  I tried to do that at home once, and it didn't turn out like that at all! I don't know how they do it. .it's like magic.

  They must have Harry Potter working in the kitchen back there or something.

  Froger's sells something similar. I remember I could find them all over the place when I was a kid.