by Nella Tyler
Mrs. Morgan leaned in without warning and hugged me. After a while, I relaxed and leaned into the hug. When she pulled away, I noticed that she had a drop of moisture on her cheek. “Thank you,” she said fervently. “Thank you for telling me that.”
I nodded. “I’m sorry…for not returning your calls,” I said. “I should have.”
“It’s okay, dear,” she said with a sigh. “I think I understand things a little better now.”
I nodded, realizing I had just told them that my son was also their grandson. Which meant I had inadvertently told Chase the truth, too. It was too late to go back now. Whatever was coming, I knew I had to bite the bullet and face it without fear.
Chapter Thirty
Chase
The camp was amazing. It had the best and most powerful guns and dozens of instructors with decades of experience. I had been there only a couple of hours, and I already felt as though my knowledge had doubled.
Grant Holland had been assigned to show me around and educate me on the how the placement would work if I decided to accept it. He was a short, stocky guy with massive muscles and a shiny, bald head I could see my reflection off of.
He had been showing me around for an hour and even though the experience was amazing, I found my mind was wandering a lot. I kept thinking of Lauren and Jeremy and the moments they might have shared together, and even in my imagination it made my blood boil.
She was mine. She always had been and the thought of her building a life with some other guy was alien to me. No matter how hard I tried to distract myself from thoughts of Jeremy, he just wouldn’t go away. I almost wished I had an image of him in my head so that I would have something specific to hate.
But the strange thing was that I couldn’t hate him. I hated the idea of him with Lauren, but I didn’t hate him specifically. The more I thought about him, little memories from the past kept coming up. Lauren had mentioned one day that she wanted me to meet him because he was willing to help her start up her gym business.
They had obviously stayed connected over the years and Jeremy had been serious about helping her out. I couldn’t fault him for that, nor could I fault him for being interested in Lauren. She was an amazing woman and most smart men saw that immediately.
My grudge was not with him. It was with myself. I had caused the rift between Lauren and me. I had made it easy for guys like Jeremy to come in and take my place. I had made it easy for Lauren to shut me out of her life. If anyone was to blame, it was me, and I was man enough to admit it.
“Can I be honest, Chase?” Grant asked once we’d been through the camp’s exteriors.
“Sure,” I nodded.
“You came highly recommended,” Grant continued. “And this program doesn’t offer up a lot of placements. Usually you’d be shortlisted and then you’d have to go through a series of tests in order to beat out the rest of the applicants.”
“Okay…” I said, unsure where this was going.
“My point is that you’ve been given a golden ticket here,” Grant said. “So I guess I’m wondering why you don’t seem more excited about it.”
“Oh,” I said.
“Is that your answer?” he asked in amusement.
“I’m sorry,” I said quickly. “I don’t mean to be cavalier about this offer. You have no idea how much I appreciate the position I’m in.”
“But?”
“My personal life is a little complicated at the moment,” I admitted. “And I don’t know if I can commit to another four-year stint in the military.”
Grant nodded thoughtfully. “You realize that once you’ve turned down the placement, there’s no going back. You won’t be considered again?”
“I realize that,” I nodded.
“All right then,” Grant said. “It’s your decision.”
The ring of my phone interrupted him. “I’m sorry,” I said as I moved to put it on silent.
“No, take it,” he said. “I have something to attend to. I’ll be back in ten minutes.”
By the time he moved away, I had missed the call. I looked down and checked the number. It was my mom. I checked the time and realized that service was over. I called her back with my mouth in my throat.
“Mom?” I said the moment she picked up. “How did it go? Did you see Lauren? Did you find out about the child?”
“We met, Lauren,” she replied. Her tone was a little strange, but I didn’t dwell on it. I just needed to know what had happened.
“Was she upset about seeing you and Dad there?”
“I think she was a little upset at first,” Mom replied. “She was defensive, too, but then she warmed up a little and spoke to us.”
“What did you talk about?”
“We asked her about the child that was with her the other day.”
“And?”
“You were right, Chase,” she said gently. “He’s her son.”
I paused for a long moment. “Can you say that again?” I said slowly.
“The boy you saw Lauren with the other day was her son,” he repeated. “She lied when she told you that she was just the babysitter.”
“Oh my God,” I breathed.
“Where are you?” she asked. “Why don’t you come home now?”
“It’ll take me more than an hour,” I said impatiently.
“I’d really rather tell you in person,” she said sounding slightly awkward.
“Tell me what?” I demanded.
“Are you still at the camp?”
“Yes,” I said. “What do you need to tell me?"
“Maybe you should leave now and get home.”
“Mom,” I said in exasperation. “I can’t leave just yet. It would be rude. I set up an appointment for this time and I’ve been assigned a handler. He should be back any minute, so just tell me now.”
“Chase…”
“Mom!” I said, feeling the last of my patience slip away as curiosity took over. “Tell me!”
“The child is yours,” she said.
I fell silent. Mom said nothing the whole time I was quiet. I think she understood I needed time to process. When I finally managed to make sense of the words, I gulped back my shock. “The child is…mine?”
“Yes.”
“Lauren actually told you that?” I asked in disbelief.
“Well…she didn’t come right out and say it,” Mom said to my shock. “But I’m a hundred percent sure.”
“Wait,” I said quickly. “Hold on. You’re telling me that she never actually said that the child was mine? You’re just assuming?”
“He looks exactly like you,” she said in a quiet, thoughtful voice. “The shape of the face, his eyes, and his smile. He’s you in miniature. And there’s his name, too.”
“His name?” I said in confusion.
“Cole is his second name,” she said. “His first name is Braden.”
I felt a little shiver rush through my body. “Lauren named her son Braden?”
“Why would she have done that if he weren’t your son?” Mom demanded.
“That’s…not really proof, Mom,” I pointed out.
“It was to me.”
I sighed. “She didn’t actually say that Cole was mine, did she?”
“She didn’t have to.”
I nodded. “Okay,” I said. “Thanks for telling me. I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”
I hung up and sat down for a while with my head spinning. I would love to have believed that Cole was mine, but there were a few things that were bothering me. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions if Lauren hadn’t confirmed it in her own words and even if she had confirmed it, that left me with a whole load of other questions.
For example, why had she not told me? Had she kept the pregnancy from me because she wanted to hurt and exclude me in some way, or was it because I left her behind? Did she not trust me? Did she not believe I would step up and be there for her? I felt awful, and I wanted to see Lauren right away and ask her all the things tha
t had been piling up for four years.
The bottom line was that I had left her when she had needed me the most. I had been the one who turned my back on our relationship. I had broken every promise I had ever made to her and I was starting to realize that I needed to fix a few things before I could fix anything with Lauren.
“Sorry to have kept you waiting, soldier,” Grant said as he approached.
“That’s all right,” I said quickly. “Grant…I’m sorry, I need to leave soon.”
“Oh?”
“This is amazing,” I said. “And I appreciate the offer, but I’m not sure I can accept it.”
“Does this have anything to do with your complicated personal life?” Grant asked.
“It does,” I sighed.
He nodded. “Okay,” he said. “Well, if you are interested in staying with the military in some capacity, there are jobs on offer here at the camp. Jobs that don’t require you to re-enlist or commit to four, full years abroad.”
“Really?”
“Again, they’re rare,” Grant said. “And you won’t be handed this one on a silver platter. You can apply like everyone else and go through the process.”
“Thank you, Grant,” I said gratefully. “Thanks a lot.”
I said goodbye to him and left the camp for my car. When I was inside, I picked up my phone and dialed in Beth’s number. She answered quickly and I could tell from her voice that she knew who it was.
“Hi, Beth.”
She sighed. “Chase—”
“Listen to me, okay?” I said. “I was wrong, I know that. I was an asshole who turned my back on Lauren. I get why she’s so mad and I get why you’re so mad. But I’m trying to be there for her now. I just need a little help from you first.”
She hesitated for a moment. “What kind of help?” she asked cautiously.
“I’ve been obsessing over Jeremy ever since you mentioned his name the other day,” I said. “And then it hit me recently why that name sounded so familiar. Lauren used to mention him to me all the time. He was part of one of her study groups and his father owned a venture capital firm. Am I right?”
Beth seemed uncertain. “Yes,” she said reluctantly.
“So I’m assuming that he’s the one trying to help her launch her gym?” I asked.
“What does this have to do with anything?” she demanded. “Lauren is going to hate me for even having this conversation with you.”
“I love her, Beth,” I interrupted. “I want what’s best for her and I know I haven’t always shown that in the past, but I plan on stepping up now. I know that she has a son…and to be honest, I don’t care. I love her enough that I will love her son, no matter whose son he ends up being.”
Beth sighed. “She’s been through a lot, Chase.”
“I know that,” I said. “I’m just trying to make her life easier now. I’m going to try and help her in some way.”
“She’s not going to like accepting help from you,” Beth said honestly.
“I realize that,” I nodded. “Which is why I’m not going to tell her. And I’m hoping you don’t tell her, too.”
“That depends,” she said slowly.
“On what?”
“On what you want me to help you with.”
“I want you to set up a meeting for me,” I said. “I want to meet this Jeremy.”
“Seriously?” she asked, obviously dumbfounded.
“Yes,” I replied firmly. “And one more thing.”
“What?”
“When you set this meeting up, tell Jeremy my name is Liam. I don’t want him knowing who I really am.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Lauren
“I unblocked him,” I said as I walked into the kitchen where my mother was laying the table for breakfast.
“Chase?” she asked as she set the last plate down and looked up at me.
I nodded as I moved to the fridge to get out the milk and juice. “And I’m still not sure it’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Well…because he’s going to be able to contact me now,” I explained lamely.
Mom laughed as she set the toasted bread on the table. “I think on some level you knew that when you unblocked him, darling,” she said teasingly.
“Do you think that’s the right move?” I asked, seeking some approval.
“I think your opinion counts more than mine in this case,” she said unhelpfully. “Why did you decide to unblock him in the first place?”
I sighed. “I think it’s safe to assume that the cat’s out of the bag at this point,” I said. “Not only did he see Cole, but he sent his parents in to do some recon for him. And then, I admitted to them that Cole was my son and I pretty much confessed to Mrs. Morgan that Cole was her grandson.”
“I thought you didn’t admit to that?” Mom asked as I passed her the jam from the fridge.
“Not in so many words,” I sighed. “But I told her that I named Cole after Braden. Doesn’t that seem like a confession to you?”
“Depends on how you interpret it,” she said logically.
“Mom,” I said rolling my eyes. “Why would I name another man’s child after my ex-boyfriend’s brother?”
“Because you had a connection with Braden that was independent of Chase,” she said calmly. “Because you loved and respected Braden and you wanted to do something to honor his memory.”
“Even though his memory was what broke Chase and I up in the first place?” I asked bitterly.
“Oh, sweetheart,” Mom said gently. “You know that’s not true. Chase made a decision.”
“I know that,” I nodded. “I’m just…stressed.”
Mom nodded with understanding. “You suspect that Chase knows that Cole is his?”
“I have to assume that at this moment,” I nodded. “I mean…let’s face it, Chase might have missed it, but Mrs. Morgan wouldn’t have. Cole looks so much like Chase. The resemblance is uncanny.”
Mom nodded. “That is true.”
“I guess I just thought….”
“Yes?”
“Well, if he has questions about Cole, I’d rather him ask me than anyone else,” I said. “And given how he found out, I figure that I could at least have a conversation with him and explain things.”
“What exactly are you thinking?” she asked with raised eyebrows.
“Oh, Mom,” I said heavily. “I just feel so guilt—”
“Grandma!” Cole screamed as he came running into the kitchen from his room. He had on his underpants and nothing else. “Today is Bonnie’s birthday at school!”
Mom turned to him at once and grabbed him as he rammed into her. “Really?” she asked. “What is she bringing for you guys?”
“Marshmallow cupcakes,” Cole said excitedly. “Bonnie says they’re so, so good.”
“Well, this is going to be an exciting day for you.”
Cole nodded vigorously and then suddenly the smile on his face faltered. He looked between Mom and me as though he were worried about something. “I’ll try and bring a cupcake for you, but I don’t know if I can.”
Mom and I exchanged a smile. “We’ll be fine, sweetheart,” I said. “You just enjoy those marshmallow cupcakes, okay?”
A weight seemed to have been lifted off Cole’s little shoulders. “Okay,” he said happily.
“Now why don’t you go back into your room and get ready for school please,” I said. “I put your clothes out on your bed.”
Cole wrinkled up his nose. “I don’t want to wear the green t-shirt today,” he said decisively.
“Well, then choose something you do like,” I said.
“Can I wear my pajama top?” he asked slyly.
“No, you cannot,” I said firmly. “It’ll have to be a t-shirt. How about the red one you love…the one with Calvin and Hobbes on the front?”
“Ok,” he nodded as he raced for his bedroom.
The moment he was gone, Mom turned back to me. “You feel guil
ty?” she asked, having picked up on my unfinished sentence.
“Yes,” I admitted. “I haven’t really felt a lot of guilt about my decision not to tell Chase. But now…now I do.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“I think seeing him after so long made it that much more real. It was like I realized suddenly that I’d kept this massive secret from him – a secret that he deserved to know, whatever the circumstances had been between us at the time. Back then, I thought it had been really straightforward. He didn’t want me, so he wouldn’t be a part of my child’s life. But now I realize that that was unfair. I was punishing him for not wanting to be with me. I should have told him about Cole.”
Mom leaned in and put an arm around me. “Lauren, I know this is hard for you, but you can’t look back now.”
“I can’t help it,” I sighed. “I’ve been up all night thinking about it. I should have told Chase about Cole over four years ago when I was pregnant with him.”
“Maybe you should have,” she nodded. “But you didn’t. You have to look forward now.”
“Mom?” I said cautiously.
“Yes, darling?”
I sighed, trying to center myself before I confessed. “I think I was kidding myself this whole time. I think I still love Chase.”
Mom smiled sadly. “Honey, of course you do.”
I looked at her pointedly.
She smiled. “Why else haven’t you moved on with someone else?” she said calmly. “Jeremy is a good man, and he’s been in love with you for years. You would have been interested in him had it not been for the fact that you were still in love with Chase.”
It was true and now that I was hearing it out loud, it seemed painfully obvious. “This sucks,” I sighed as I put my head in my hands.
“Lauren, don’t you think it’s time you read Chase’s letters?” he asked quietly.
I glanced up at her. “Why?”
“Because of how you feel.”
I shook my head. “You misunderstood me, Mom,” I tried to explain. “I’ve had a few realizations in the past couple of days, but nothing has really changed. The only thing that has changed is that I’m open to Chase being a part of Cole’s life in some capacity. But that doesn’t mean I want to be with Chase.”