Gay Indeed

by Lara Hale

  The words come out of him so quietly and I have no idea what he is talking about.

  “You did what?”

  “I chickened out midway through it because it was unbearable.” He takes a deep breath, and as he lets it out, he looks at me like he is about to take all walls down and let me into something I didn’t even ask to be part of.

  “I'll tell you something, but you can never repeat this, and you can't make fun of me.”

  “Why would I make fun of you?”

  In a painful tone that is barely audible, he says. “Because he did.” And I don't have to ask who 'he' is because he keeps talking. “The guy that, you know, that I first, the one that… The one that fucked me! Ok?” I nod even though it was rhetorical.

  “He was much older than I was, and I thought it would be good because he was experienced, you know. I thought he'd be a perfect choice.”

  “But he wasn’t as experience as you thought.”

  “Oh, he did!” He says with a humorless laugh. “He was experienced, and he knew what he had to do, but he didn't want to.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean that he knew how to get someone ready, but since he liked it rough, he went almost dry on me.” He laughs again, and I learn one new thing about my Tobias; laughter is his coping mechanism. But despite it all, he continues.

  “The asshole bent me over an old pickup truck he had in his garage, spat on my ass, and stuck his fucking dick inside me. I screamed like a bitch, and he didn't let me forget I did.”

  An infinite number of things about that story angered me. How much older was this guy? How old was Tobias when he let the guy do this to him? It angers me that someone else had him and that the asshole wasn't gentle with him. I can't imagine how hard that must have been. I had already turned to jello when he fucked me, and it still hurt. I can't imagine what it would've been like if he just got his dick in me without warning.

  “But surely you know that's the reason it hurt that much, right?” I ask him.

  “I know, but have you experienced something that you know it was possibly just bad luck and it wasn't like that all the time, and you still refused to try it again?”

  I chuckle, remembering the perfect example, although it was nowhere near as traumatic as his.

  “First time I rode a bike on my own. I rode right onto a tree and fell; broke my front teeth. I knew it was just a bad day, but it took me almost five years to even try it.” He laughs–genuinely, this time, and I voice my thoughts. “You can teach me how to do it right.”

  ∞∞∞

  -Tobias.

  Is he asking me to teach him how to fuck me? “I don't know if that's a good idea, Harvey.”

  I don't even know what I'm still doing here. After telling him I was in love with him, I should've run out of his house and never returned. Few times in my life have I been as embarrassed as I was when he threw the words back at me.

  “Why not? I'll be careful, I promise.”

  “I don't know. You just want it because you saw my conversation with Shane. That's not really fair.” He takes a deep breath, and I ready myself for round three of our argument. But it doesn't come.

  “Yes, I asked for it and used the whole Shane thing to get it. But Tobias, I didn't even realize how much I wanted it until now. And knowing your only experience was as bad as it was, makes me want to fix that for you. You deserve to feel the same way I did when you took me. You were fucking perfect.”

  I really wish he would just shut up, but of course he doesn’t. “I want you to have a second chance at it, and there's no way I'm letting someone else fuck you!” I guess he won't shut up.

  If only he knew what those words did to me, to my stupid chest. To my foolish heart. If only he knew that I take each of those words and I am storing them in my brain, to remember them when he gets tired of me and ends it.

  “Have you ever been in love?” He looks lost, confused. That was clearly the last thing he expected for me to say; it even took me, by surprise.

  “Yes, Tobias, I have.”

  “Ok, it is stupid to act like I didn't just say I am in love with you. Imagine if the person you love, asked for something this big, and you knew it would probably mess you up.”

  He seems to think things through and gives me a look of understanding. I get where his mind is going; I know he thinks I'll say no. What I want is for him to understand how big of a deal this is for me.

  “Harvey. You have to promise me you won't act like you have feelings for me.”

  In a perfect world, this would be the part where he says but, I do have feelings for you, and we would live happily ever after. But this is Harvey we are talking about; there is no ‘happily ever after’ with a straight guy. But I decide to jump right in because I'm an idiot.

  “If you agree to that, then take me upstairs and fuck my brains out.”

  “But what about breakfast?”

  “Fuck breakfast!”

  A smirk is my only warning. I expect Harvey to pull my hand, point to his bedroom, or something. Instead, the jerk grabs me, throws me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and takes me to his room. Thor is a piece of shit next to this man and his strength.

  Everything happens so damn fast. Between sloppy kisses, laughter, grinding, and even some dry humping, the man is driving me crazy by the second. He gave me the worst blow job I had ever been on the end of, but points for trying, I guess.

  When he has successfully fucked me thoroughly with his fingers, I can't hold back and ask him to hurry and get in me. Screw the pain… I need Harvey inside me.

  “You'll tell me if I hurt you too much, right?”

  I nod, biting my lip, and I feel the texture of the lubed condom against me. I'm on my back, and from here, I can see the worry in his eyes. Worried that he would hurt me, and he will; he just doesn't know the pain won't be physical.

  “Ok, Tobias, here I come?”

  “Already?”

  “Shut up, smart ass! This is serious.”

  But he lets out a chuckle anyway. I breathe in and out, and then I feel the head of his cock pushing through all my barriers. I close my eyes and squeeze them so hard it hurts, but I'll take any pain over the one I know I will feel.

  “Come on, let me in! You're doing so good, baby. Let me in!” God, this man is clueless. “Yes, just like that. I'm almost all in, ok? You got this!” If it weren't for the magnitude of what is happening, I would laugh at his attempt to encourage me.

  “I'm out of dick baby, open your eyes.” I smile because I know what he is doing. He is trying to calm me down. “Let me know when you want me to move, ok?”

  I feel so full, stretched, and weird. I'm afraid to tell him to move, but I do. “Alright, move, but go slow, ok?”

  “I got you!” And got me, he did.

  At first, he moves slowly in and out. The difference between him and the asshole who fucked me when I was eighteen is like day and night.

  “Please tell me I can move faster than this.”

  “Yes! Fuck, yes!” And the man takes me as if he loved me. He hugs me and touches me and kisses me, and oh God! He hits me in the right place over and over and fucking–over… again. I begin to pull at my cock, and I feel my eyes roll back at the mix of sensations.

  I open my eyes to look at him, but the pressure in my chest makes me close them again, so I don't fall even more in-depth; as if that is even possible.

  Then the man begins to move faster as he speaks. “You are so tight, so damn perfect! I want to be inside you all the time, Tobias. Please tell me this isn't the only time I can have you. I'll let you take me as many times as you want, as long as you promise me, I can keep having you like this.”

  I don't know if it is his cock, his moves, or his words, or maybe the combination of all, but I'm coming and it feels as if I'll never stop. I clench around him, and he closes his eyes, throwing his head back and giving it to me like I knew he wanted since he got inside me. He keeps going and going, and then
he goes still, and the most delicious groan leaves him. My vision isn't clear, but one thing is…

  I love him!

  ∞∞∞

  -Harvey.

  In a perfect world, this would be the part in which I admit that I do have feelings for him, and we could live happily ever after. But this is Tobias we are talking about. There is no 'happily ever after' for me, with a man. So, I stay quiet because I'm an idiot.

  TOBIAS

  Chapter 19

  It's been a week of pure dirty, crazy nasty sex. Who knew riding dicks would be this much fun?

  I'm at home cooking and cleaning; or ruining food and cleaning, as Shane would say. I hear my phone ringing somewhere in the apartment, so I go in search until I find it, and it's an unknown number.

  “Hello!”

  “Hello, may I speak with Mr. Spencer?”

  “Yes, this is him.”

  “Great! Mr. Spencer, I'm Evan Montgomery with the Boston Falcons. I'm calling about your recent interview with us.”

  I bite my nails as I ask what I can assist him with.

  “Mr. Spencer, we would like to offer you the position of Athletic Trainer with our league.” The man starts going over everything that the job entails, and all the while, I'm here doing a happy dance with a Swiffer.

  “We would like to have an answer from you by Friday so you could start as soon as possible since we begin this season's training next month.”

  “Oh, yes, absolutely!” I say.

  “Alright, when would you like to come to meet with us and give us an answer?”

  “No, Mr. Montgomery. I meant, yes, I accept; it will be my pleasure to join your team.”

  “Excellent, Mr. Spencer, we will be happy to have you. Your interview was quite impressive. I will email you the invite for our meeting to discuss schedules and sign all the paperwork. This is my direct number, don't hesitate to call if you need anything.”

  “Yes, sir, I'm looking forward to working with you and the team.”

  “Likewise, Mr. Spencer.”

  I hang up and get ready to text Ahmed; he won't believe it. The emotion lasts all but five seconds before I realize there is no Ahmed, there is no mom and dad, there is not anything… anyone.

  I share the news with Shane instead since he got me the interview. He texts back to congratulate me, and that's it. The moment I've been waiting for my entire life, and I have no one to share my excitement. I guess this is what it’s like to be an adult, huh?

  Later in the night, I make my usual way to Harvey's. I'm glad I'm getting a car next week because these damn Ubers are going to drain me.

  I arrive, and he opens the door looking all hot and shit. “I swear Harvey; you get hotter by the second.”

  “Mmm, does that mean I'm hotter now than when I opened the door?”

  “I can't deal with you!”

  We laugh, and he asks me in. I begin to remove my shirt as I chase him into the living room; I guess it is couch-fucking day. But then I see him turn the TV on and searching for a movie.

  “What are you doing? Aren’t we going to bed?”

  “Oh, is this not ok? I figured we could hang out and watch a movie like we used to. Not that I don't want to fuck or anything. I just thought I'd be a nice human for once and treat you right for once.”

  I stare at him, trying to work his angle. “You are acting weird, but I guess yes, let's watch a movie. I wouldn't have worn my nice underwear if I knew.”

  “Oh, I'm seeing you naked, Spencer. But maybe we can talk, hang out first.”

  “You know this is basically a date, right?” He freezes; his eyes go wide. He looks like he just lost his entire vocabulary. ”I'm just fucking with you! You are just too easy to tease.”

  I sense my comment made him uncomfortable because the man was nervous until we made it to his bedroom, and once we did, we kissed and sucked and licked everything we could get our mouths and hands on. This time it was my turn to be inside him—which is how it goes most days—but unlike the other days, he asks me to lay in bed with him and get this, he spoons me. Yeah, I know; I almost didn't believe it either.

  “Hey, I was wondering something. I have to check my farthest Andreas’ location; do you want to come with me? Go on a little road trip?”

  “Fuck yeah! When?”

  “I'm leaving Thursday morning and coming back Friday afternoon. You could stay over on Wednesday.” Shit! I can't go.

  “Oh, I'm sorry. I can't go with you on that day.”

  “What? Why? You have a date or something?” I could swear on my future headstone that he sounded jealous. Is he? Could he? Would it be possible that maybe he 'likes me' likes me? “You do?!” He asks in a much more commanding tone.

  “Oh, no! I just have to sign some paperwork and stuff for my new job, and I have a meeting with them on Friday morning.”

  “You got the job?” I nod, and he jumps on top of me to straddle me, holding both my wrist in place. “Why the hell didn't you tell me? We could've gone out to celebrate. Is it the one you wanted?”

  “Yes, the one with the Falcons.”

  “You idiot!” He bends down and kisses me. A deep kiss that I can feel in my brain. He lets go, and I already miss him. “Why didn't you tell me?”

  “I don't know. It isn’t a big deal. I didn't think you'd care.”

  “Yeah, your dream job, the one you've wanted since you saw your first hockey game. Of course, I care!” Then his expression changes. He stares at me, longing almost, and says, “congratulations, babe!”

  I shake my head and nearly break my neck. Where is Harvey, and who is this impostor they sent in his place?

  “Ok, how about this?” He continues to talk as if this is all normal for him, “We leave on Wednesday and head back Thursday afternoon? Then you can stay over, and I can drive you to your meeting. Or you can stay here for the rest of the week.”

  Ok, I need to stop him. This is the one thing I asked him not to do. He can't toy with me like that.

  “Harvey, you can't do things like this. I only asked of you that you don't act like you have feelings for me. It is not fair for me, especially since you know my feelings for you.”

  ∞∞∞

  -Harvey.

  But what if I do have feelings for you? Is what I really want to ask. But what if he asks what type of feelings? Because shit, I don't know.

  I care about him. I want him around me all the time. I want him inside me, and I want to be inside him. I even want to watch TV with him without having to get physical. But how do you call those feelings when you are straight, and the person you feel this for is a man? I breathe in and say a few words, trying them out to see if they sound as real out loud as they sound in my brain.

  “I think I do, Tobias. I do have feelings for you. I care about you; you are important to me. Those are feelings, right? Cause I feel them.”

  He smiles at me, and I take it as a good sign. Great, because I wouldn't be able to respond if he asked me if I loved him because I'm straight, and I can't. Or can I? The question remains unasked and unanswered, and I opt for burying my face in the crook of his neck. Maybe that will convince him that I want him just for myself.

  And with my face pressed to him, my nose smelling his soft hair, I voice the words that I don't doubt at all. “Tobias, right now, no one is more important to me than you.”

  And I know with certainty that it is true.

  HARVEY

  Chapter 20

  It's been almost two months since I started whatever it is Tobias and I got going, and it gets more confusing all the time.

  We've seen each other less since he started his new job, but we've replaced the time apart with texts and phone calls. Today he is working, and I'm at Andreas with Lamar.

  “I know, I know. I don't think I wanted that threesome as much as I said.” The damn threesome reminds me of him.

  “Speaking of such, do you mind if we stop at Tobias' work on the way to drop you home? He likes the Fried Tofu here, so I'll dro
p some off real quick.”

  She eyes me suspiciously, and I squirm in my seat. I've started a 'Chef Specialty of the day' dish not too long ago, and in this location today they have the Fried Tofu, which Tobias seems to love.

  “I mean, you are driving,” Lamar says, “it's not like I can say no.”

  I place the order to go, and when it is ready, I step in to take a last look and make sure everything is in place, and then we leave.

  “So, is this a coincidence that you happen to choose this location for a visit today? I assume it has nothing to do with Tobias.”

  “Of course, not!”

  “Ok, Harvey.”

  We get to the training center, and when we enter the common area, I find Tobias laughing with one of the players; his hands all over the guy. To say that I'm not pleased is an understatement.

  “Tobias,” I say his name, and he jumps; all laughs gone within the second.

  “Oh, hey, Harvey! And… La–mar…”

  “Hey! Nice to see you.” She responds.

  “Yeah, you too. What brings the two of you here? Together?”

  I notice the hint of bitterness and jealousy in the word ‘together,’ and I guess he feels as I do after walking on him getting all handsy with the Boston Falcons goalie.

  “We came to bring you this.”

  I hand him the food, and when he sees what’s inside, he forgets about Lamar, and after seeing him smile, I forget about everything else. Lamar clears her throat, and we wake up.

  “Yes, thank you! Eh, Lamar, Harvey. This is Randy Stapleton. He plays for my team—I mean, he plays for the team.”

  “It’s ok,” Randy responds as he laughs, “both statements are correct.”

  He winks, and I see a crimson shade on Tobias’ cheeks that only I can put there. I don’t like this guy. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, Randy smiles too. Of course, the asshole had to be the one player who has all of his teeth. Damn it!

  “So eh, I’ll just wait for you in the room–the PT room, I mean.” And Tobias goes into work mode right away.

  “Take an ice compress from the cooler, press it against your hamstrings, and don’t even try to turn the TV on; keep your spine straight and your face in the hole. Of the table.”