Gay Indeed

by Lara Hale

  I could swear they are flirting. They better not be. This Randy guy says his goodbyes, and Tobias relaxes once again.

  “So, Lamar. You and Harvey were—”

  “Oh, hell, no!” Lamar interrupts, and I see something like relief in his face. “We were just having lunch. I was telling him about this new guy I’m seeing and just you know, catching up on each other’s life. How about you guys? What is new in your lives?” I don’t know why she keeps acting so weird.

  “Oh, right. Listen… about that one day—”

  “No need to apologize, Tobias,” she cuts him off yet again, “I told you this. It’s all good! I’m pretty sure we all got what we needed that night. Right? I mean, I’m pretty sure I did; I got to see you two naked and realized I’m more of a 'one person at a time' kind of woman. If anything, I should be thanking you.”

  That seemingly makes him feel better. We talk for a little bit, and then he has to go back to work, so Lamar and I leave. We get to the car, Lamar goes in first, and when I get in, she opens her mouth to give me the shock of my life.

  “Alright, just tell me!”

  “Just tell you what?”

  “Oh, come on! You and Tobias? You two couldn’t be more obvious!”

  “I don’t know what you are talking about!”

  “Ok, Harvey, we’ve been friends for what? Two decades? Sure, you know I won’t let it go. Gotta say, though, I never thought you would swing that way.”

  “I don't swing any way!” I shout, getting irritated by her assumptions. Granted, they are wholly accurate, but how can she just confront someone on something like that out in a parking lot in the middle of the day?

  “Hey!” Her tone is now soft, “You know I’m teasing you; I would never say something to hurt you or upset you. You truly like him, don’t you?”

  I don’t say anything. I don’t even dare look at Lamar. But she is not done, so she switches in her seat until she is facing me, prodding an arm on the backrest with concern and affection in her eyes.

  “You know you can trust me, right? I know all your secrets; you’ve said so yourself.”

  And she is right. She knows even the deepest of my secrets. She always has. So, I do the only thing I can bring myself to do… I nod.

  “So, are you two together? That’s why you didn’t want to go through it, right? You didn’t want me touching him.” I nod once more. “How long has this been going on?” I sigh, knowing she will not let this one go.

  “That day, when the three of us were at my house. That was the first time I acted on it.”

  “After I left?”

  “Yes, after you left.”

  We stay quiet for a few minutes, and when I put the car on drive, she turns back on her seat and fastens her seatbelt. About five minutes into our drive, she continues.

  “I can see he is crazy about you. Does this mean you two dating now?”

  “What? No! God, no!”

  “But you said that day was the first time… as in, there have been other times. Right?”

  “Yes, but Lamar, I’ve been straight my whole life. I can’t just start dating a guy after all these years. Do you have any idea of how crazy that all sounds? I can’t date him. I can’t do it for his or my sake.”

  “What do you mean? I thought he was openly gay. Does he not want people to know he is?”

  “No, is not that. It’s just that he has feelings for me, romantic feelings, Lamar. I can’t take advantage of that. I can’t date him; that will just give him the wrong impression.”

  “Oh, for God’s sake, Harvey! Too late for that.” I glance at her, wondering what the hell is she talking about. “You picked a restaurant that is out of both our ways, a location that just happens to be closer to his workplace, on a day that just happens to have his favorite dish on the menu. Newsflash, my dear, he already got that impression.”

  I think about what she is saying and wonder if it can be true. Tobias made me promise that I wouldn’t act as if I have feelings for him, which is the opposite of what I’m doing. But is it that bad to act like I have feelings for him when I genuinely do? I like him. I like being with him.

  As I continue to swim in my thoughts, Lamar opens her mouth once more, delivering another shocking statement. “You love him too, you know!”

  Never in my life have I been more grateful for a red traffic light than I am today. I would’ve wrecked the car in front of me otherwise, at the sound of her words.

  “You’re wrong! I don’t!” I shout, as if it would make her statement any less true.

  “Oh, shut up! You got all tensed when we walked in there, and you saw him laughing and touching that one guy. I was surprised you didn’t pee on him to stake your claim. You were so worked up.”

  “I wasn’t! I’m not! I told you!”

  “Alright, Harvey, whatever you say. But just a heads up. That hockey player was unquestionably making his move on him. If you want Tobias, you better act fast, or that guy is going to cut right in front of you and take your parking spot.”

  “What if I don’t want him?”

  “If you said so, you’d be lying. But in the odd chance that it is true, then you need to let him go and stop giving him hopes of something more. So, what’s it going to be?”

  There is no way Tobias is going to go for that guy, is he? What if he does, though? Would I be happy for him? Would I be sad? Angry? Heartbroken?

  “What’s it going to be? She repeats.

  Mine, that’s what he is going to be. Tobias will always and only be mine. And you can bet your ass, I am acting on it.

  TOBIAS

  Chapter 21

  “So, is that dude the reason why you keep turning me down?”

  Harvey and Lamar left, and I am back in the therapy room speaking to Randy through his session. “Who? Harvey?” I start laughing, “Honey, he is straight.”

  “Mhm… so is spaghetti until it gets hot and wet.”

  “Randy, shut up!” I smack him on the back of the head, not too hard, of course; I can't afford a lawsuit.

  “Yeah, whatever. Just let me know when you get tired of him, so we can pick up where we left off.”

  “And where exactly is that, Mr. Stapleton? Because you and I haven't done anything, and if we have, I don't remember. That doesn't speak well about your performance.” He groans and shuts his mouth as I massage his thighs; maybe a little too hard.

  I finish working with Randy, and when I go to my locker and check my phone, I find about fifteen missed calls and a full voicemail. I hate listening to voicemails, so I start texting the number just as it rings again.

  “Hello, this is Tobias.”

  My job started paying for my phone, so I have to be all proper when I pick. I guess it is a good thing this person is calling, given that texting doesn't necessarily speak 'professional.'

  “Hey Tobias, it’s me, Ahmed. Please don't hang up!” Ahmed? My brother is calling me?

  “Ahmed? Why the hell are you calling me?”

  “I saw you on TV at a game a few weeks ago. You were wearing a shirt with the Boston Falcons logo.” He sounds sad, weary. As if he has been crying. Is this it? Is this the part when he finally apologizes for being a dick and congratulates me?

  “ Yes, I got that job I always wanted.” But no words come, just sniffs. Is he crying? “Why are you calling me?”

  “I imagine the pay is decent, too, right?”

  “Ahmed, why are you calling?” I say in a much harsher tone.

  “I… it is mom. She's been sick for the past few weeks, and yesterday she passed away.”

  My mother? My mother died? And this is how he tells me? Anger rises within me, and the asshole keeps talking.

  “All the money I have saved is for the wedding, so dad and I don't have money to pay for funeral arrangements.” He says, and that turns the fire on.

  “Ahmed, are you fucking kidding me? What the fuck is wrong with you people?!”

  “The wedding money is not mine alone, Tobias; I can't
just use it.” I can't understand reason; even if he was reasoning, I couldn't understand it.

  “This is… this is… this is fucked up!”

  With that, I throw my phone across the room, falling to the floor; legs propped, and resting my elbows on my knees as tears begin to leave my eyes.

  My mother. I always thought we would eventually talk, and she would forgive me. That's impossible now; she died hating me. She died hating her gay son.

  “What the hell happened in he—fuck, Tobias! Are you alright?”

  Randy must have heard the noise of my phone crashing against the wall and came looking for the cause of it. Once he sees me, he rushes to kneels in front of me, and I hear more people coming. He calls for help, not knowing what I need help with, and some other players come rushing as well.

  Isn't that insane? My co-workers, people who have known me for weeks, are trying to help me while I mourn the loss of a woman who knew me my whole life that gave birth to me and still hated me.

  “Hey, look at me! Are you hurt?” I shake my head and then wipe my eyes with my forearm's back, my long sleeves absorbing them all. “Then what's wrong?”

  With a voice that I don't recognize, with emotions that I can't describe, I simply say. “My mom died.”

  I feel as they hold me up until I'm fully standing, and without a word, they envelop me in a group hug that I would've found silly had it not been an eye-opener. These people, they care about me, they are good to me.

  “Do you need anything from us? What can we do?” Randy asks, and some of them mumble 'anything man, just say it' and 'I'm sorry dude, we are here for you.'

  I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve these guys, or if I even deserve them in the first place. My mom didn't think I deserved her. Now she never will.

  The team gets Mr. Montgomery, who, against my own will, sends me home to 'grieve.' I've been grieving my mom since way before she passed, but they don't need to know that.

  ∞∞∞

  -Harvey.

  I'm still in the car with Lamar, unable to believe the words I am about to say.

  “He isn't going anywhere, Lamar, and neither am I!” She gasps and squeals, doing some weird happy dance in her seat. “Calm down, woman! I have to think of how to tell him tonight.”

  “Tonight? What happens tonight?”

  “We are hanging out at my house.”

  “What? No, no, no! For this, you have to go all in, grand gesture, and all. Oh, my God! I can't believe this is happening, I've read it in so many books, and now here I am; a cupid to my best friend switching gears… yay!”

  I roll my eyes but my stomach cramps. I've never made a grand gesture for anyone; I never found someone to deserve it until now.

  Hours have passed after I drop Lamar off, and I've messaged Tobias a hundred times. I've called him just as much.

  My first thought was that I somehow fucked up without even knowing. I mean, that does sound like me. But then I began to get worried when I heard the message saying his voicemail was full. Unable to handle it any longer, I text my brother and ask him for Shane's number, whom I immediately call.

  “Hello,”

  “Shane, Harvey Breevort here. I'm sorry to call your phone, but I'm trying to reach Spencer, and he is not answering his texts or calls or anything. Is he ok?”

  “Oh, honey! You don't know.” He says; a sense of sadness and empathy in his voice that should calm me but instead, it makes me worry more.

  “What do you mean? Why is he not answering his phone? Did something happen to him, Shane?”

  “His phone is broken in a thousand pieces, sugar.”

  That's it? I swear to God, this kid is making me worry on purpose.

  Except… he isn't.

  He continues to talk, and I feel impotent, not knowing what to do.

  “He doesn't know how she died. His brother just called him to ask for money after they saw him on TV. Can you believe that? What type of monster would do that? And to Tobias of all people?”

  “I don't know, shit, I don't know. Can I speak to him? Is it alright? I'm sorry, I know this is your phone.”

  “Nonsense Harvey. Let me see if he opens his door. He's been hiding in his room all day.” I hear the knocks followed by Tobias' voice shouting, asking for Shane to go away if I hear correctly. “I'm sorry, honey, he doesn't want to come to the phone.”

  “I know, I heard,” I sigh, “would you mind if I come over? Has he eaten? Is there anything he needs? Anything he is out of.”

  “Harvey, I'm not going to act like I don't know you two are hooking up. So, if you care about him—and I think you do—just come over and be here for him. That's all he needs even if he doesn't admit it.”

  And I have to say, I do not hate this guy too much right now. He cares about Tobias, which is more than I can say about his own family.

  “Thank you, Shane. Text me your address. I'll be there soon.” Saying goodbye and hanging up, I'm already calling Lamar to cancel what she was doing for me today. There is no time for a grand gesture. It isn’t the time for grand gestures.

  All I need Tobias to know right now is that I'm here; I'm not going anywhere. I am his as much as I claim he is mine, so yes, my feelings can wait. It would be stupid and insensitive at this point, to deny that his feelings at the moment matter much more.

  TOBIAS

  Chapter 22

  “I just want to be left alone so I can mind my own business!”

  I shout for the hundredth time as Shane asks me to leave my room. I understand him, I even appreciate him, for real, but I just want to be left alone. Except what comes next is precisely what I, deep down, truly wanted.

  “Spencer? Open the door, please.”

  Am I a hypocrite for telling Shane I want to be left alone when I know the man I want next to me is across this very room? I get up from my spot on the floor; the same one I’ve been at since I got home. I open the door and assume that Harvey knows already, so I ready myself for the questions I know are coming.

  “Hey!”

  “Good to know that my concern means nothing to you.” Says Shane from behind Harvey, “This guy shows up, and you sprint to the door?”

  I know Shane is trying to cheer me up, so I smile; if you can call what I did with my mouth, a smile.

  “Come here!” Harvey says. Then he… hugs me? He hugs me. Shane shrugs behind him, as confused as I am. Okay, maybe I have been portraying Harvey as heartless, but he isn’t. He fed me and sheltered me when I moved into the city, and I could’ve never been where I am today if it wasn’t for him, but it is still strange for the man and I to share and simple hug.

  Shane leaves, and Harvey pushes the door close. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I’ve been worried about you all day.”

  “I’m sorry, Shane shouldn’t have called you.”

  “Tobias?” He lifts my chin with his fore finger, so I can look him in the eyes, “Shane didn’t call me. I was going crazy thinking something happened or that you weren’t safe. So, I asked my brother for Shane’s number so I could call him.”

  “You did that? For me?”

  “Spencer, I would do anything for you.” And I don’t speak. I can’t. Did he just say he’d do anything for me? Harvey? “Don’t look at me like that; I’m serious. Anything you need, I’m here. I want to, Tobias.” Deep in my heart, I wish what he meant was that he wants me. A guy can only dream. So, I settle for the next best thing.

  “Do you mind if we just lie in bed together, talk about anything? Would you mind if I just hold on to you and hug you? I know this thing between us is nothing more than a hookup, and I promise I won’t get the wrong idea. I just truly need this.”

  Instead of responding, he pushes each shoe off one foot with the other and puts his hand out for me to take. I take it, and he pulls me to the bed to do what he asked.

  We lay here for about thirty minutes without saying a word. But then a doubt, a concern most
ly, enters my mind. “Are you doing this out of pity?”

  He jumps up so hard, my head bounces back and off his chest, where it rested until now. “You think I’d do that?” I shake my head. I don’t even know what to think right now.

  “They just wanted my money.” I sighed and said.

  “What do you mean? Who wanted your money?”

  “Ahmed. He just told me she was dead, without butter, without lubricant. He flat-out said it and then casually mentioned that neither he nor father had money for the funeral. Oh, and obviously, he said all that after he mentioned how much my job pays.”

  “I'm sorry he did that to you.”

  “You want to know the funniest part?” I start laughing. “He has thousands of dollars in his bank account, but he doesn't want to use them for the funeral because they are for his wedding. As if a wedding was more important than giving his mother a place to rest. He just called me so I can pay for it, after all three of them pushed me out of their lives; told me I wasn't family. Oh, but of course, now I'm her son.”

  “I'm sorry Tobias, I know I keep saying that, and I wish there was more I could do, but I'm sorry he did that. I'm sorry they all did what they did.”

  “I know, I believe you, thank you!”

  “Are you going to go? To the funeral, I mean?”

  “I want to. She hated me, but I still loved her, you know. She still treated me like I owned the world before I came out.”

  We talk a little more, and he stays there with me the whole day, the entire night. Just us.

  The next day we are on our way to Maine after both Shane and Harvey convinced me to let them come with me; one of the benefits on being their own bosses is that they can say 'I'm leaving,' and then just leave. I don't even know what I'm expecting to find when I get there.

  Shane is in the back seat while Harvey drives. They were set on me not doing the driving.

  “Ok, I found a hotel near your family's home. I'll book two rooms.” I look at Harvey in panic, and Shane continues, “Oh, my God! You need to stop, Ok? I know you two have been fucking. The only two people that don't know what's going on between the two of you, is the two of you!”