by Meg MacRose
“Julia don’t blame yourself for Peter. He was a weasel.” Alex couldn’t keep himself from interrupting.
“That’s my point. He whose name I will never mention again is an absolute weasel. He took advantage of me and my role here. But he’s not so different than our father. All through my childhood, we saw how he took advantage of women. He made them feel like they’re special for a single moment, and then thereafter treated them with the disdain and disrespect. What I have learnt from my past mistake in love is that I don’t need to keep that cycle going. I don’t need to be a victim of my father’s flaws. I am not going to be taken advantage of. I’m going to find someone who deserves to be with me. And that’s what you need to do too, with Elly. You guys are great together. I’ve never seen you so happy, so relaxed. Every time you push someone like Elly away, then our father wins. You become just another victim to him. You’ve built up this amazing company to prove that you are just as worthwhile as him, but you’ve forgotten that as a person, he’s awful. That’s why we came here to work for you. To show him that despite him, we Hudson siblings are united and will succeed. Why do you not believe in love? Because your mother adores him and still cannot see his flaws. Why is my mother still living with him? Because she says that she’s still in love with him and refuses to see his flaws. Don’t you see? You’re better than him. Give Elly a chance. Trust her. You can’t be any more broken hearted than you are now, that’s for sure.”
Alex stared at his blank computer screen as Julia finished her tirade. His mind was too foggy to work it all out now. A slim arm slipped around him. He hadn’t seen or heard Julia close the gap between them. He looked up; Julia’s worried eyes looked straight into his.
“Please don’t be like him and think that you are better than love and family. Because nobody is better than that.”
She pecked his cheek.
“We love you, our big brother, and it hurts us to see you like this.”
Alex cleared his throat, at a loss for words. But before Alex had a chance to respond, Julia wiped away some of the tears from her eyes, shook her head at him and ran out of his office without another sound uttered.
Simon gave a low whistle.
“Go girl! I don’t think I’ve ever heard Julia talk like that. But she’s right. I couldn’t have said it better myself. You don’t have to follow his footsteps. You are better than he is. A million times better.”
Simon hoisted himself off the sofa.
“Come on. We’re going to do something that we’ve never done before, but I think we both need it. Come on, we’re going out to get slaughtered together.”
Bemused, Alex still didn’t comprehend what it was that Simon was saying. He could tell by Simon’s set expression that he wasn’t taking no for an answer. He shrugged. Whatever Simon had planned had to be better than sitting and staring at a blank computer screen.
###
Clicking his fingers in the air, Alex ordered another bottle of whiskey. He wasn’t quite sure where the first one went, and maybe there had been another in between. But they needed another. Simon’s idea had been to spend the afternoon at one of the local, traditional London-style pubs.
“Simon … genius. Genius idea.” Alex’s words slurred as he put his arm around his brother. They’d spent the afternoon sitting in a booth at the pub, polishing off many glasses of whiskey poured over ice cubes, comparing unpleasant stories of their father.
“He really is … he’s an unpleasant fellow.” Even when drunk, Simon still used posh sounding words to describe their father. There were a few other adjectives that Alex could think of. He swirled a napkin around the table with his forefinger. Alex looked up.
“Simon, is what Julia said right? Is that what he thinks? That he’s better than family? Better than everyone?”
The thought that he had followed in his father’s footsteps was like a shard of ice through his heart. He didn’t want Elly to feel like she was lesser than him, or that her feelings weren’t important. He didn’t want her hurt because he declared their relationship as insignificant. Because if that’s what he’d done, then he was no better than their father.
“What have I done?” Alex cried out, his elbows bowed on the table, his head in his hands. “What can I do?”
Fragments of memories surfaced. Memories of Elly’s sad face, the tears as they ran down it, when she had thrown back his words at him. Fear clawed at him like a wild animal.
The memories kept flooding back.
“It was good, but it’s over.” The words struck his inner sole. What chance did he have to rebuild with her when he’d treated her with such disdain?
“What do you want, Alex? Can you commit to one woman? Maybe some men just can’t. Like our father. Are you happy to let her go and see her marry someone else? Have someone else’s children?”
Simon’s questions came out slurred. But the thought of someone else having children with Elly. They’d have to make love with her to father those children. No. He shook his head vehemently. He could visualise mini versions of Elly, as they held their library books, or asked innocent questions about how the world worked. He wanted to be part of that too. He wanted her to have his kids.
It was like a fog had cleared. He knew what he wanted.
“Simon, I need to talk to Elly. Now. We need to have kids. They’re ours, not someone else’s.”
Simon poured a large nip of whiskey in each of their glasses from the bottle that the barmaid had just delivered. Simon clinked his glass against his own.
“I’ll drink to that!”
They both spluttered as they downed the celebrational drink in one. The whiskey was like a fire that travelled down inside his chest. It warmed up his heart as it went down.
“I need to talk to Elly now.”
Alex had a desperate need to make it right with Elly. He didn’t want to waste any time, and he stood up to go and find her. Only he had overestimated his own abilities. As he hoisted himself up, his elbow slammed down into the table. An afternoon of whiskey had rendered his legs immobile. He couldn’t walk.
“I don’t think we’re going anywhere today. Here. Have another glass.” Simon leaned over, and between the two of them, Alex somehow sat back in their booth.
###
She checked her phone for the millionth time that day. Nothing. She’d heard nothing from Alex. Part of her was disappointed. He’d probably moved on to a new lover. The gloomy thought hung over her. She stretched her arms up high and yawned. It was getting late. Nina had left already. She hadn’t wanted to leave as she was worried about Elly, but Elly had urged her to go to the art exhibition that she’d talked about for months. She was the only person who was left upstairs, so the room was quiet. Usually, this was how she thrived, and ploughed through her work. But for some reason loneliness had crept up on her. Bradley was still downstairs. She could hear his voice as it echoed up the stairs. He must be practising for his latest play.
She had to love Bradley. He’d been so protective and nurturing towards her since she’d broken up with Alex. But then, she’d pushed herself to work really long hours, as it was the only way she could distract herself from thoughts about him and how much she missed his presence from her life.
“Elly.” Bradley called her name up the stairs and interrupted her sad thoughts.
“Elly dear.”
She left her shoes under her desk and walked barefooted to the top of the stairs.
“Yes Bradley.”
“Ivan is on the conference line. I’ve set it up for you in the Daffodil Room. He’s come across something he needs to run past you.”
Elly grabbed her own electronic notepad and headed downstairs straight away. Ivan had left for Iceland the previous week to commence a new consulting project that DN had secured.
“I’m off now darling. Miguel’s just finished his shift. I’ve locked up. But can you set the security alarm on your way out?”
Bradley stood poised with his leather bag over one shoulder,
ready to dash.
She gave him the thumbs up as she made her way to the Daffodil Room. Elly’s thoughts were on the Icelandic project that a few of their coders also worked on. She tried to pre-empt any obstacles that Ivan could have come across as she opened the door with her hip. The first thing Elly noticed as she stepped into the room was that the telephone conferencing system wasn’t lit up. It wasn’t ready to be used. And then the hairs on her nape prickled as she became aware of a man as he lounged against the far wall, with a small bouquet of sweet pea flowers clasped in one hand.
Alex. A rush of emotions ran through her, and the surprise of seeing him meant that it took a moment or two before she was able to hide her feelings. She took a deep breath in to compose herself. Elly counted to five in her mind as she exhaled, before she dared to try and utter any sound that would be coherent. While she counted, Elly stood frozen still in the spot, unable to drag her gaze away from him.
Alex’s face had a weariness to it. The hollows under his eyes spoke to the many nights without good sleep. His hair was dishevelled and even his tailored suit sat bedraggled. But it was the broken look in his eyes that drew her in. The lines around his eyes gave him a fatigued and almost sad appearance. Like he’s missed her as much as she’s missed him. She didn’t dare to hope. Her heart had already been shattered by this man on two occasions. She wasn’t going for a third.
He stood looking almost shy. Forlorn. Desperate. As if he expected her to run at any minute. This was not the sexy capable businessman that she was used to seeing. It wasn’t a man confident of his place in the world.
Alex held out the sweet pea flowers to her. Touched by the simple gesture, Elly stepped forward and received them.
“The florist assured me that this was an appropriate bouquet to give you. I was asked twenty questions first. Before she would choose one for me. I had no idea what kind of flowers that you liked.”
He spoke in a low quiet tone, and his voice sounded gruff.
“They’re beautiful. Alex, why are you here?” His hair was dishevelled and even his tailored suit sat bedraggled.
Elly smelt the flowers. She clutched them close by so that the soft petals tickled her cheeks.
She glanced back to Alex, who watched her with a hesitant expression. She was confused. Why had Alex turned up late at night at her office? And why would Bradley make a cover story to get her down to talk to him?
Alex’s jerky movements with his hands didn’t go unnoticed. He placed them on his hips, and then pulled them into a folded position on his chest. Now that he wasn’t holding the flowers, he had nothing for his hands to do, and it was like they didn’t know what they should be doing.
Elly continued to watch him in silence. Alex closed his eyes for the briefest of moments. Part of her wanted to ask him what was wrong. Was he sick? Why did he not talk to her? His dark eyes locked with her own, and she couldn’t look away, captivated by the murky depths as his pupils contracted. She heard herself gulp for air and was sure that he had heard it too.
“Elly.”
Elly stood immobile as he paused in mid-sentence. She still had no idea why he was here.
“I miss you. That sounded lame I know, but I miss you being a part of my life.”
His words came out scratchy, like he was struggling to find the right words to say.
Elly had to restrain herself. She wanted to close the gap between them and give him a hug. Tell him it would be okay. But what was the point? It didn’t change anything. It would still be her committing to a man who wasn’t interested.
She shrugged her shoulders, the muscles tight with tension.
“Alex, I can’t continue a relationship where I expect at any minute to be replaced by someone with better business ties. Someone more beautiful.”
Alex flinched at her words. But she was determined to tell him what she wanted.
“I want more than a casual alliance. I want a family, a home. I want the works.” What more could she say? She left her response there, leaving unspoken the words that she loved him more than she’d ever be able to admit, but wanted more than what he could give. Surely, he realised that it would be too painful for her to continue as they were.
“What if I said that I want that too?”
Alex’s expression remained blank, but the tone of his voice was hoarse and raspy.
Her head shook with regret. If only those words were true. Tears formed in her eyes.
“You can’t just say the words that you know I want to hear. That doesn’t work. It doesn’t change how you view us.”
She used the back of her sleeve of her suit jacket to wipe away her tears.
“Thank you for the flowers. I love them.”
She turned slowly to leave the room and stepped into Alex’s masculine frame. His hands like gentle pads placed down on her shoulders.
“Please Elly, dear, don’t cry. I can’t stand it to see you hurt.”
His lips deposited a single kiss to the top of her head and his arms came around her and cradled her limp body against his strong one.
“Please don’t cry. I don’t deserve your tears, and you don’t deserve to be hurt.”
Alex’s arms held her tight, and she breathed a combination of his spicy cologne and the sweet pea flowers. She couldn’t lift her head to meet his eyes. Her brain was foggy and confused. What did Alex want? Her own body had missed the comfort of his wrapped around hers as they slept, and she was reluctant to step back out of the warm reassurance that his arms brought her.
“Darling Elly. Please hear me out. This doesn’t come easy for me. But only because I’ve never been like this before. I’ve never thought love was possible. I certainly didn’t seek it. I was determined to keep my relationships casual. I’d seen the negative effects of people believing that they were in love.”
She inhaled, a slow and measured breath. Hope and yearning enveloped her heart. She wiped her tears on his tailored jacket and lifted her eyes to meet his dark and wounded stare.
“Elly, please don’t let us be finished. I love you. You are my world. Without you in it, I have no hope, no focus. The future looks and feels grim.”
With gentle trembling fingers, Alex cradled her head. The pads of his fingertips were soothing as they ran through her hair and massaged her scalp.
His whispered assertion of love made her heart jolt. She looked up into his hooded eyes, the dark pools mirroring her own raw and vulnerable state.
“I don’t know how I can prove my love to you. But I will. Every day with every breath of my body. I could never look for someone else. There will never be another Elly. You mean everything to me. You’re smart. Funny. Opinionated. Beautiful. Spontaneous. You even dressed up in a superhero outfit! And I want our daughters and our sons to be like that too.”
Elly’s eyes widened. Still feeling exposed, she dared for his words that gave her so much hope to be true.
“You mean it? You’re in love with me? It’s not just words?”
Alex gave a shaky laugh. With one wavering hand, he covered hers and placed it on his heart. The erratic beat pulsated through his clothes.
“This heart is broken into pieces at the thought of you not being in my life. It’s taken me a long time to realise that love doesn’t make someone weak, it brings strength. It’s only when you ignore the love around you that you become weak. Please forgive me for being a slow learner. Please Elly. I’m really scared to think of life without you.”
Her own feelings of vulnerability were reflected in his eyes. She couldn’t deny the love in his eyes, in the touch of his hands, in the way that he cradled her. Warmth flooded through her body.
“Oh Alex. You know that I’m in love with you. I have been since we first met in Greece. My heart is yours.”
She wrapped her arms around his body and nestled her cheek against his shoulder. The rhythm of their hearts struck the same beat. The sweet pea flowers were forgotten about, crushed between their suit jackets.
Epilogue
> Elly held onto her little shoulder bag. She couldn’t wait to race back to her apartment and get there before Alex did. The past few months, they had lived out of both of their apartments. They had spent every weekend consumed by real estate that was for sale all over London. But none of the houses were what they wanted. In the meantime, they alternated between their apartments.
Elly tapped the outside of her bag and checked that the very special and important sticks were still there, safe and secure. She had done three pregnancy tests that afternoon. All of them were positive. She had a little skip in her step as she made her way closer to home. Alex had been out of the city today, and according to his text he was stuck in traffic for another half hour or so. Lots of thoughts whirled through her mind as to how to break such exciting news to Alex. She was sure that he’d be as thrilled as her. The past few months had been such a dream.
Alex had insisted on joining her at her parents’ house for Sunday lunch, and had dazzled them with his charm. Her sisters had been overwhelmed by his presence and gawked at him as he ate. Alex had won over every member of her family, especially when he extended some invitations to the most prestigious charity events in London. They had attended a charity art auction only a few nights earlier, which her Dad and Wendy had driven into London for. Elly had surprised herself, as she had enjoyed dressing up and attending it. Alex had been attentive all night, he’d held her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Lacey had given her a big hug and whispered into her ear, “I’m so happy for you.”