Shatter Me

by Kim Hartfield

  “I’m sorry if I ever lead you to believe our breakup was anything less than final,” I said. “I don’t intend to get back with you, now or ever.”

  “But I’ll never love anybody the way I love you,” she said, tears dripping from her eyes. “What if I changed? What if I was a better girlfriend to you?”

  Those were crocodile tears, I reminded myself. I couldn’t let myself fall for that. “That time has passed,” I said. “There are other people who are going to treat me better without having to work at it.”

  “You’re telling me she makes you feel the way I do?”

  A good question, because honestly, Sydney made me feel completely different than Chantel ever had. “No, she doesn’t,” I said. “She makes me feel warm, and loved, and comfortable. I’m never afraid of her, and I know she’d never do anything to hurt me.” I glanced over at Sydney, whose eyes were wide and gleaming with unshed tears. “She makes me feel like I can do anything. She never drags me down, she lifts me up. Even if we don’t have all the highs and lows that you and I had, I would still choose being with her.”

  Chantel looked from me to Sydney, and Sydney crossed her arms. With tears dripping, Chantel slid out of her seat. Without a word, she ran to the exit of the bar. Sydney came back to her chair and put a hand on my shoulder as she sat down.

  Chantel was gone – for now. But I knew I hadn’t seen the last of her yet.

  Twenty-Four - Sydney

  After our run-in with Chantel, I just knew she was going to make life difficult for us somehow. I kept an eye on Lora and watched for any change in her mood, conscious that she might not tell me if her ex pulled anything. I kept an eye on Chantel’s social media, bracing myself every few hours in order to check it. There were no new posts – about Lora, or anything else.

  After a few days, I started to feel like we were safe. I spent lots of time with Lora, like usual. We hung out at each other’s places and took long walks in the slowly warming March air. As spring came on, it was time for new beginnings, and our new relationship was blossoming.

  I was secure enough in our relationship to take her to a faculty party for another professor’s retirement. I didn’t know Dr. Sanders too well but had always respected her.

  Lora came over to my place to get ready, and I helped her zip up her cocktail dress. She looked like a vision with her hair falling in loose waves around her face and some subtle makeup brushed onto her eyes and lips. I longed to kiss that makeup off her and unzip that dress right now, but stopped myself. There’d be plenty of time for that after the party.

  “Should I wear these or these?” I asked, holding up two pairs of earrings.

  “You’re going to look gorgeous either way,” Lora said. “I like the gold hoops better, though. They really make you look sophisticated.”

  I slid them into my ears. I still loved how Lora found me sophisticated rather than just old.

  As we drove to the party, my nerves began to act up. I’d never brought a date to a faculty event before, even when I was in my other relationships. The longest had been longer than this one, but since most were long-distance or more casual, I’d never felt comfortable bringing them with me.

  The party was being held in a private room at the on-campus bar. As soon as we walked in, Karen came out of nowhere to block us from the room.

  “Well, look who it is,” she said, her eyes flicking between me and Lora. “I thought you told me you two weren’t dating.”

  “We weren’t at that time,” I said, wondering what she might have heard from Chantel. “We’re just here to celebrate Dr. Sanders’ retirement, not to cause any drama.”

  Lora looks at me questioningly, and I gave her a tiny shake of my head. I’d let her know about my history with Karen later – right now wasn’t the time.

  “Hmph.” Karen tilted her head toward the main room. “Do you mind if I steal Sydney for a moment?” she asked Lora.

  I pursed my lips, but Lora was already nodding, so I allowed Karen to pull me aside. “It’s not that I’m jealous or anything,” she said. “You and I never connected like that, and I’m fine with it. In fact, I’ve started seeing someone new, too.”

  “Good for you,” I said, glancing over at Lora. She’d come into the main room, too, and was fidgeting by the wall a few feet away from us.

  “I just wonder if you’re really serious enough about her to bring her here,” Karen said. “You’re announcing your relationship to the world, you know. If you should happen to split up at some point, the whole campus is going to know about it.”

  “I’m not planning to break up with her anytime soon.”

  “I know, but I wonder if you can really have a healthy relationship. The things I’ve heard about her…”

  I huffed. “Things being spread by her ex? Yeah, I think I’ll judge for myself.” Once more, I wished I could tell her about the abuse. It’d make everything easier to explain, but it wasn’t my secret to tell. “There are two sides to every story, and I know hers. What does Chantel say she did, anyway? She cheated on her? Because we already know she lied about that.”

  “I’m just saying,” Karen said. “You need to be pretty serious with someone before you bring them to something like this. Especially with her having a… reputation… around here.”

  “Then it’s a good thing I’m extremely serious about her.” I glared harder, wondering how I’d ever been attracted to Karen.

  I didn’t care what anybody else said about me and Lora – about our age difference, or the rumors about her, or any other reason that we shouldn’t be together. I could think for myself, and the only thing that mattered was how I felt when we were together. She was the kind of partner I’d always dreamed of, the one I had envisioned myself with when I was a little girl.

  Now I understood why things had never worked out with any of my exes in my past relationships. I saw why I’d never allowed things to get more serious. Those women hadn’t been Lora.

  I was ready for a serious relationship now – more than ready. We were together now, and no one else was going to get in the way of that.

  “I’m just trying to help,” Karen protested.

  “Stop trying.” I went over to Lora, grabbed her hand, and brushed past Karen into the private room.

  It only took a minute for a stir to go through the room. Even though everyone knew I was gay, it had to be a shock to see me with a former student.

  I nodded to people I knew, pretending that there was nothing scandalous about what I’d just done. It wasn’t as if I was the first professor to date a grad student, and everyone knew we hadn’t been together when she was in my class.

  I introduced Lora, “if you haven’t met before,” I said to those who might remember her. To those who didn’t, I simply said she was my girlfriend.

  I could feel her nervousness emanating from her as she made the rounds with me, and I squeezed her hand to let her know everything was okay.

  People milled around, and only settled when Dr. Sanders stood up to give a speech. She spoke for several minutes, talking about her career at this university and how much she’d enjoyed being here. It seemed that she’d taught here for close to forty years, and my mind boggled at the idea. I couldn’t imagine maintaining any job for that long, or a relationship for that matter.

  I glanced at the woman sitting next to me, and a small smile came over my face.

  Maybe forty years wouldn’t feel so long if I was spending it with Lora.

  Twenty-Five – Lora

  There was something childish about celebrating a six-month anniversary. I’d always felt like only teenagers would care about anything shorter than one year. If I celebrated six months, what would I do next? Throw a party for my half-birthday?

  And yet, now that I’d reached six months with Sydney, nothing was going to stop me from shouting it to the rooftops. I was madly in love, and I wanted the world to know. I would’ve celebrated our anniversary every month if she’d let me.

  I’d never been
in a relationship this wonderful before. I hadn’t even known it was possible. The fun, the passion, and most of all, the mutual respect. Sydney always treated me as her equal, never putting her opinion above my own.

  I knew that if we ever moved in together, she’d never yell at me for something like putting the knives in the wrong place. If I said they belonged in the drawer, they’d belong in the drawer, and that would be it.

  Now that we were hitting this milestone, I wondered if she might ask me to move in with her soon. It’d only make sense, given how much time we spent at each other’s places. But I was too shy to bring the idea up myself.

  “Happy six months,” I said when she opened her door. “I brought a special guest.”

  “Virginia!” Sydney squealed, hurrying to open the cat carrier. “I didn’t think I was going to see you until tomorrow!”

  I laughed. She was happier to see the cat than me – not that I minded. I needed her to love us both if this relationship was going to progress.

  Virginia tiptoed out of her carrier, her ears flattened against her head. Like most cats, she didn’t handle environment changes too well. I figured she’d be okay within a few minutes since she already knew both Sydney and her condo.

  As she sniffed her way around the room, getting reacquainted with her old stomping grounds, Sydney gave me a long, lingering kiss. Her hands on my waist, her perfume in my nose, I felt a rush of anticipation for what would come later tonight.

  “I figured we’d have a quiet night in, for once,” I said, explaining Virginia’s presence. Our last few dates had been active ones – on Saturday, we’d both volunteered at the soup kitchen, and on Sunday we’d gone for a full-day hike.

  “That’s what I was thinking, too,” Sydney said. “I already queued up a few movies you might like on Netflix. If I’m lucky, this one will snuggle with me.” She nudged Virginia with her foot.

  “On the off chance she’s feeling affectionate, I claim her.”

  “Not fair, you see her all the time.” Sydney pinched my butt playfully.

  “You’d see her more if you came over more often.” I dropped onto her couch and started to check out her Netflix queue.

  “Hey, it’s not my fault you don’t have a widescreen TV and full sound system.” She sat beside me, her hand on my knee. “Or a couch, for that matter.”

  “My place is perfectly serviceable, thank you very much.”

  “And mine is comfortable.” She squeezed my knee, and I turned to look at her. “You should really think about moving in sometime in the next few months. Maybe when your lease is up.”

  A grin broke across my face. “Or even earlier.”

  *

  In the morning, I practically skipped to my car. We hadn’t picked a date to move in together, but now I knew we were on the same page. I was really going to move in with Sydney and be with her all the time. She made me feel so happy and safe, and now I was going to have that every single day.

  A movement in my peripheral vision wiped the smile off my face. I recognized that shape, and it wasn’t welcome here.

  “Morning,” Chantel said brightly, as if running into her outside my girlfriend’s condo was a perfectly normal activity. I hadn’t seen her in months, not since the retirement party. She looked just as lovely as always, but I knew the undercurrent of evil still hid underneath.

  I reached into my purse for my phone just in case I wanted to call Sydney. “What are you doing here?”

  “I just happened to – ”

  “Cut the bullshit.” I threw my shoulders back and glared at her. “I know this wasn’t an accident. Are you stalking me now? Is that what this is?” My voice was more aggressive than I’d intended, and yet I didn’t regret it. I never would’ve thought I’d even be capable of talking to her like that. Things had certainly changed.

  “Not at all,” she said, surprisingly calm. “I’m sorry if I scared you. I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable. I just didn’t have another way to reach you. I know you work from home now, and I knew you wouldn’t pick up the phone if I called.” She looked down. “I’m really sorry.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. Although I still didn’t want to talk to her, it was nice to see her apologetic for once. I guessed I could give her a minute of my time. “What do you want? Make it quick.”

  “I just wanted to see you again.” She reached for my hand, which I pulled away. She winced and continued. “I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself, and I’m a whole new person now. I’m not the woman you knew.”

  “So what? You still want me back?” I asked meanly. “It’s not going to happen. You ruined any chance of that when you abused me, Chantel. You might think you’ve changed, but I’ll never believe it. And why would I ever go back to someone like that?”

  “I did abuse you.” Her voice was small, and she wrung her hands. “I always knew I did, even if I didn’t want to admit it. You didn’t deserve any of what I did to you.”

  I couldn’t quite breathe. She’d never said that in so many words before. She’d always either blamed me or tried to convince me the abuse had never happened.

  Almost timidly, she peeked up at me. “I went into an abuser program, Lora. A group program for people who abuse their partners. I’ve been getting help for a few months now.”

  “You… have?”

  She nodded. “I’ve learned so much there. Like why I chose abusive behavior and how it harmed you. I always told myself it was okay for me to hurt you because I had a rough childhood and I was just copying what I’d seen growing up. Now I see those were just excuses. Plenty of people had rough childhoods, and they didn’t all turn abusive.”

  My voice was barely audible. “Why did you do it, then?”

  She hung her head. “I was selfish. Entitled. I felt like you existed for my pleasure – I thought you should wait on me hand and foot. I had no empathy for you, even though you were supposed to be the person I loved most in the world. I put myself before you, and, Lora, I’ll never make that mistake again.”

  I couldn’t find words to say, so I just shook my head as she went on.

  “They told me the times I emotionally abused you were just as bad as the times I pushed you around. Now I’ve learned to look at our relationship from your perspective, and if you let me try again, I’ll be so much better. I never want to hurt you again the way I did before.”

  My heart was in my throat, and I couldn’t explain why. I was with Sydney now, and she was the best thing that’d ever happened to me. Chantel’s words shouldn’t have touched me at all.

  But I’d loved this woman once. A part of me still did.

  She was saying everything I’d always wanted to hear, and this time… God help me, I believed her.

  “I want to be with you, Lora,” she said, her eyes pleading with me as she wiped a tear away. “Forever. Baby, I want to marry you. Can we try again? Please?”

  My stomach was in knots. I felt like throwing up.

  I had no idea what to say.

  Twenty-Six – Sydney

  “Is my wife here? I know she’s here.” The man’s eyes flashed as he looked from one end of Open Heart’s reception area to the other. “You better tell me if she’s here, lady.”

  “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down. We don’t give out information about who’s staying with us, for safety reasons, and if you continue to harass me about this, I’ll have to ask you to leave. This is private property.”

  “I’ll have to ask you to leave,” he parroted back in a high-pitched tone. “Bitch, I’m looking for my wife. She’s my property.”

  “Sir, I don’t know your wife, but if she’s here, it’s for good reason. Women don’t belong to anyone but themselves. You can’t force her to go anywhere. It’s up to her whether or not she’ll come back to you.”

  He sneered at me, making his face turn uglier than it already was. “If you won’t let me in, I’ll just have to go in and look for her.”

  “And I’d have to call
the cops, sir.” My finger was on the panic button under the counter. “Those doors you’re looking at are locked, by the way. I can, however, offer you a pamphlet for an abuser program that’s proven to be very effective. Maybe if you change your attitude, you’ll have a shot at getting your wife back.”

  He scowled. “Fuck you, fucking bitch.” He stormed over to the door. “If my Jennifer doesn’t come back, you’ll have hell to pay.”

  I waved a pamphlet at him. “The abuser program. I highly recommend it.”

  He slammed the door behind him, and I let out a sigh of relief. Despite my outward calm, inside, my heart was pounding. Confrontations like this were always nerve-wracking – especially because the doors weren’t really locked, despite how many times I’d brought it up with my volunteer supervisor.

  Taking a deep breath, I reached for my phone. I hadn’t heard from Lora since she’d left my place this morning, which was unusual. She usually liked to send me little thoughts and jokes throughout the day since she worked from home, alone.

  I hoped I hadn’t scared her off with the talk of moving in. It might’ve been a premature discussion, but it wasn’t like I’d suggested she move tomorrow. I’d just wanted to make sure we were on the same page, and we certainly seemed to be. She wasn’t going to renew her lease without talking to me first, anyway.

  Well, maybe she was “in the zone” with the article she was writing. She’d described it to me last night, a feminist take on Taylor Swift’s latest antics, and I guessed it could’ve captured her full attention. I was looking forward to reading that article – even if I wasn’t going to give her any feedback on it.

  By the time my shift was over, I still hadn’t heard from her. According to our normal routine, I should’ve been heading over to her place now. I decided to call to make sure.