Shatter Me

by Kim Hartfield

  “Hello?” She sounded tired, or annoyed – I couldn’t tell which, but from that one word, I could hear she wasn’t quite herself.

  “Hey, honey. You okay? Should I still come over?”

  “I’m fine, I guess.” She sniffled. “Yeah, come over.”

  *

  I picked up a couple of tea lattes on my way to Lora’s – partly because I felt like she might need a pick-me-up, partly to stall on getting there. I had a bad feeling about why she might’ve been sad today. I couldn’t guess the specifics, but there was something about the way she’d spoken that told me it was nothing good.

  She’d been so cheerful when she left this morning, too. What could’ve happened in only a few hours? And why did I feel like it had something to do with Chantel?

  Lora barely glanced at her tea latte when I handed it to her. “Thanks,” she said, and set it down without taking a sip. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and she was still in her pajamas. Even if she worked from home, she normally showered by this time.

  “What happened?” I asked, pulling her over to the bed and wrapping my arms around her. Virginia hopped up next to us and settled into a heap, her big green eyes watching us with unblinking concern.

  “Is it that obvious?” She sniffled. “I’m fine, I’m just a little thrown off. Chantel was at your place this morning, and she accosted me when I came out.”

  My jaw dropped. “Did she do something to you? Did she get violent?”

  “No, not at all.” She patted my hand. “She told me she’s gotten help for her abusive behavior and that she understands why she did what she did. She said she’s changed, and that if I take her back, she’ll treat me right for the rest of my life. She – she proposed to me.”

  My heart twisted inside my chest. This was my worst nightmare come true. I’d known from the start that Lora would always be a little in love with someone else, and yet I’d gone and fallen for her anyway. I’d thought I could win out over Chantel, but it looked like she’d found the key to making Lora go back to her.

  Just this afternoon, I’d told that man his only chance of getting his wife back was for him to go into an abuser program. Chantel had done exactly what I’d suggested, and now I was going to lose the love of my life.

  Dropping Lora’s hand, I turned away. Tears blurred my vision, but I barely noticed when it felt like my whole world was collapsing in on me.

  What was I going to do without Lora? Seeing her had become the best part of my life – the part I looked forward to when I woke up in the mornings. Her smile, her laugh, her kiss… would I really never get to enjoy those again? Karen had warned me about this moment, and I’d ignored her…

  “So this is it for us?” I asked hoarsely. “The end of the road?”

  There was a long pause, long enough for my heart to break a little more. Then…

  “What?” She grabbed my shoulder and spun me back to face her. “No! Sydney, Syd, honey, no. That’s not what I was saying at all!”

  I blinked, unsure if I could believe what I was hearing. “You’re not going back to Chantel? You didn’t have me come over to break up with me?”

  “No!” She looked horrified. “God, no! I’d never get back with her. She was a monster to me!”

  I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. “Yes, she was. I just thought…”

  “That I’d forget all about that because she finally decided to change?” She leaned on me so that we both fell to the mattress, making Virginia scoot out of our way with a meow. “I’d never do that, Syd. Why would I go back to someone who hurt me when I could be with an amazing, incredible person who’s only loved and supported me since day one? It’s not even a question.”

  I nodded shakily. “You were just so upset…”

  “Upset that she changed too late,” she said. “If she’d had her so-called revelations earlier, she never would’ve put me through those things. She told me she thought I existed for her pleasure, and she practically saw me as a servant. What did I ever do to deserve that?” She nuzzled into my chest, and her tears wet my blouse. “I should never have wasted three years of my life on her in the first place. I should’ve been with someone who respected me. Someone like you.”

  Now I was starting to understand. I rubbed her back gently, brushing her hair out of the way so I could kiss her cheek. “We all make mistakes,” I said softly. “And you and I hadn’t met at the time when you got together with Chantel.”

  “But… I spent three years with her, and she didn’t even see me as a person.” She quivered in my arms. “How could I have been so blind?”

  “It’s okay, honey. You can’t change the past.” I squeezed her tighter. “You’re with someone now who knows you’re a goddamn queen and is going to treat you as such. Always.”

  She nodded slowly. “And I’ll treat you the same, because you’re worth it.”

  “You already do.”

  Her lips met mine, and my arms circled her waist, and Virginia jumped off the bed as if she already knew we were about to use it for other purposes.

  Twenty-Seven – Lora

  “Is there a problem with the apartment?” Manny asked, peering at me from behind the desk of the rental office. Normally I came here once a month with my rent check, and he seemed surprised to see me here in mid-month.

  “No,” I said. “I’m just planning to move. I can give two months’ notice, if you’d like. I know it’s not easy when a tenant breaks their lease.”

  I kind of hoped I wouldn’t have to give that much notice. Sydney and I had decided I should move in sooner rather than later, and for me, that meant “as soon as possible.”

  “Are you moving to another city?” Manny asked.

  “No, I’m moving in with my partner. She already owns a nice condo, so it only makes sense.”

  “Ah.” He turned to the computer. “I’m just going to pull up your file. I know you’ve been a model tenant, always paying your rent on time.”

  I nodded. Even when times were at their toughest, I’d made sure to keep up with my rent.

  “I don’t see a reason to have you give that much notice,” he said. “There’s always lots of interest in your unit, so it’ll rent fast. You’re sure you want to give it up?”

  That was a no-brainer. “Definitely.”

  He smiled. “Ah, to be young and in love.” He clicked a few times. “There’s the lease-breaking fee, but given that you paid your last month’s rent as a deposit, that’ll more than cover it.”

  “Great.”

  “I’ll put that through, then. I’ll let you know when I’ll be showing your apartment, and it’s fine if you’re there or not there.” He held out his hand for me to shake. “Otherwise, it’s been a pleasure, Lora. Good luck with your partner.”

  I shook his hand – even though with Sydney, no luck was necessary.

  Moving in would just be the next step in our happily-ever-after.

  *

  “Yeah, just leave that box over there,” I called to Brandi a week later. “By the door. That’s perfect.”

  “And that was the last box,” she said as she straightened up. “That was easy!”

  She and a few of my other old friends had come to help me move. I’d sold all of my furniture since I no longer needed it, which meant I didn’t have a ton of things to transport. We’d done it all in one trip, and everyone had only needed to take a box or two up the elevator.

  Sydney and I could really have done it ourselves, but I’d wanted to include my friends. I hadn’t been close with them since before my break-up with Chantel – first because I’d been hiding the abuse that’d gone on, then because I was caught up in my new relationship. I wanted my friends to be part of my life again, starting now.

  “I had to make you work for your pizza and beer,” I said, gesturing at the six-pack that was already on the counter. “Drink up – I think I just heard the pizza guy at the door.”

  Ten minutes later, we’d made ourselves comfortable in the living room
, some on the couch, some sprawled on the floor. We dug into the pizza, and my friend Heather nudged me in the ribs. “So how’d you get away with moving so fast?” she asked.

  “My apartment was in high demand, apparently.” I tore off a bit of crust and stuffed it in my mouth. “With rent that low, people will put up with a lot. The first person who came to view it loved it, despite how small and drafty it was. She handed over a check on the spot, and she wouldn’t stop talking about how great of a deal it was.”

  “Damn, maybe I should’ve taken over your lease,” Brandi mused.

  “You snooze, you lose,” Sydney said.

  We munched and talked for a while longer, and my heart filled with warmth. This was the way it was supposed to be – surrounded by friends and my partner, warm and cozy and full of pizza. I couldn’t imagine anywhere else I would’ve rather been.

  “Hey, do you ever hear from Chantel?” Heather asked me out of nowhere.

  The room went quiet, and I could feel everyone looking at either me or Sydney. “Let’s not talk about her right now,” I said.

  “Oh, sure, sorry,” Heather said. “I was just curious because I ran into her, and – ”

  “I don’t want to hear it.” The words came out harsher than I’d intended, and I felt the need to explain them. “It might’ve been a long time ago, but it was a bad break-up, you know? She messed me up a lot, and in the end, I only got away from her because of Sydney.”

  “Come on, isn’t that a bit biased?” Brandi asked with a laugh. Her eyes were glazed – clearly the beer had gotten to her. “You make it sound like she’s this horrible person, when actually you were both responsible.”

  I wanted to snap at her. Shut the fuck up. You have no idea what you’re talking about. What do you know about my relationships?

  But Sydney’s soft hand squeezed my knee, and I knew she was there for me. Someone understood, and as for the rest of them, I hadn’t actually given them the chance to.

  I looked from one friend to the next, all of them waiting to hear my response. Would it be so bad to open up a little? To give up a smidgen of my pride and tell them the truth about what’d happened between me and Chantel?

  I met Sydney’s eyes, and she gave a subtle nod as if she could tell exactly what was going through my mind. That was enough for me.

  “Actually, we weren’t both responsible,” I said in a soft voice. “It wasn’t my fault when she started putting me down all the time, telling me I was stupid and worthless and that no one else would ever love me.” I hesitated, then let the next few words rush out all at once. “It wasn’t my fault when she started pushing me around and hitting me, either.”

  Every face in the room was shocked, with the exception of Sydney’s. I hung my head as she rubbed my back, reminding me that no matter how my friends reacted, she’d still be here for me.

  “Oh my God,” Brandi said.

  “I’m so sorry,” Heather added.

  “We had no idea,” another friend said. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?”

  “Why didn’t you go to the cops?”

  Each comment was more supportive than the last, and all the love surrounding me had me tearing up even before my friends came over to me one by one, piling up on me in a huge group hug.

  Why had I ever wanted to keep my pain secret? Had I really thought they wouldn’t believe me, or that they’d choose Chantel over me?

  My friends loved me, and my family and Sydney all loved me. I didn’t need to always pretend I was strong, or to carry all of my burdens alone.

  They were here for me, and they always would be.

  Epilogue – Lora

  The woman standing in front of me looked about twenty years old. Her face was covered in bruises and encrusted with dried tears. She blinked at me with her one good eye, the other being swollen shut.

  “I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this,” she whispered. “He’s a whole different person when it’s just the two of us. With anybody else, he’s the most personable, charming man you could imagine. You’d probably fall for his act, too.”

  “I highly doubt that.”

  The woman – girl, really – shook her head slowly. “You don’t understand. Everybody loves him, and then there’s me… boring, plain, quiet me. Even my own friends like him more than me. They’ll choose him over me in a heartbeat.”

  “You might be surprised.” I gestured at her to sit down. Open Heart Women’s Shelter had recently remodeled so that two cushioned chairs sat side by side. “I wasn’t always a volunteer here. About ten years ago, I came in just like you.”

  “You?” Her eyes swept over me, taking in my professional, put-together appearance. “But you don’t seem…”

  “There is no type that abusers generally go for” – I checked the clipboard she’d written her information on – “Sandra. Anyone can be a victim, anyone at all.”

  “I guess so. You just seem so… confident.”

  I put her clipboard down. With some of the women who came in, I was all business. With others, like Sandra, I could see they needed some extra inspiration. “Would you like to hear my story?”

  She gave me a small nod, so I launched right in. I told her about Chantel, about the slow way the abuse built and the way she’d pretend nothing had ever happened. I told her about the final night and the knives in the drawer, and about coming here and seeing Sydney, and thinking I’d never get over Chantel and have a healthy relationship.

  “But I did,” I said. “I ended up dating the woman who welcomed me that night, the one who was once my professor. We’ve been together for almost a decade now, and we have two kids and three cats together.”

  Sandra’s eyes widened. “Wow.”

  Virginia still acted like a kitten, and she still wasn’t affectionate – except with our younger daughter, the one we’d adopted. Our older daughter was six, and a few years after I’d given birth with the help of a sperm donor, Sydney and I had decided our family didn’t quite feel complete. We’d both taken easily to motherhood. Even though Sydney was older, her caring nature made her perfect for the job.

  The final piece for our family had been the two underfed black cats that roamed our neighborhood, both so skinny we could see their ribs. When we’d realized they didn’t have owners, we knew we had to take them in.

  “Once I left my ex,” I went on, “I found out I would’ve been fine on my own. I wasn’t stupid or incompetent, or any of the other awful things she put into my head. I took the time to heal, with a lot of help from my counselors and the woman who ended up being my wife.”

  I still felt a little self-conscious when I told people about what Chantel had done to me, but ever since I’d started volunteering here, it’d gotten easier and easier. If my experiences could help save anyone else from a life of abuse, it would’ve been selfish of me to keep my story to myself.

  “That’s amazing.”

  That was true. These days, sometimes I took my wonderful life for granted. When I looked back on where I’d started, it really was amazing.

  “There was a happy ending to my story,” I said. “There can be one for yours, too.”

  I hope you enjoyed reading Shatter Me!

  If you or someone you know has experienced domestic abuse, please visit www.LoveIsRespect.org for support.

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able of Contents

  Shatter Me

  One – Lora

  Two – Sydney

  Three – Lora

  Four – Sydney

  Five – Lora

  Six – Sydney

  Seven – Lora

  Eight – Sydney

  Nine – Lora

  Ten – Sydney

  Eleven – Lora

  Twelve – Sydney

  Thirteen – Lora

  Fourteen – Sydney

  Fifteen – Lora

  Sixteen – Sydney

  Seventeen – Lora

  Eighteen – Sydney

  Nineteen – Lora

  Twenty – Sydney

  Twenty-One – Lora

  Twenty-Two – Sydney

  Twenty-Three – Lora

  Twenty-Four - Sydney

  Twenty-Five – Lora

  Twenty-Six – Sydney

  Twenty-Seven – Lora

  Epilogue – Lora