Weird Theology

by Alex Raizman

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Well, besides the fact that you enjoy the maths?” Ryan scowled, and Crystal grinned. “Oh, I have no idea what that’s supposed to do. Just saw it on the telly.” She grinned and offered him a hand. He took it. “But likely nothing. Your brain is still adapting to its new capabilities. Seeing maths is probably just a way of processing it. Hopefully it passes and your brain doesn’t decide that is the absolute best way to see the universe.”

  “I don’t want it to pass!” Ryan blurted. “It’s the best thing about this mess so far.”

  Crystal shook her head. “And I’m the odd one?” She gave him another smile. “It won’t pass, not really. But you might get sick of it after a few thousand years, love. I know I bloody did.”

  He was on his feet, and his head was pounding. She glanced downwards. “Oh god, please tell me that’s your bloody nanoverse in your pocket.”

  He looked at the bulge and blushed. At some point in the passing out the pants had gotten twisted, and the lump created by the nanoverse was awkwardly placed. He shifted his pants around and pulled the nanoverse out. It was about the size of a baseball, maybe slightly larger.

  “It’s so big,” she said, wonderingly, and his blush deepened. She gave him a grin. “Teasing you, love. But you should probably soak some of that power out before it gets too big to carry easily, yeah?”

  “I…sure? So how do I do that?”

  “Remember what we said about rolling with it?” He nodded, and she continued. “So, roll with it love. You have a bloody universe of power in a little ball in your pocket. What do you think you should do to get power out of it?”

  After a moment’s hesitation he took the nanoverse and cupped both his hands around it, so they were almost completely covering it. Feeling silly and wondering what Crystal would do when this failed, he squeezed.

  The sensation was difficult to describe. It was like someone had stuck an IV in each arm and in one was pumping ice cold water, in the other boiling tomato soup. It was like being smacked in the face with a sock full of gold-plated dandelions. It was like being shot to death with down feathers freshly plucked off a duckling. With every nanosecond, it was like increasingly unlikely similes, until it was finally like having your cheeks sliced open with the first rays of a dawn while chugging molten lightning.

  He didn’t pass out again, but he did scream. Crystal took a step back, smiling. “Oooh, yeah, should have warned you. First time is a bloody bugger of a rush, innit?”

  Again he noticed that her accent was forced. He didn’t think any British person would call something a bloody bugger, although he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure of anything, he was light, he was sound, he was…feeling pretty dizzy.

  “I’m gonna…” Before he could say, he sat back down hard.

  “Oh, please don’t pass out again.”

  “I won’t. Just…give me a moment.”

  She did, giving him some time to gasp until he was back into the realm of normal sensations and sensible analogies, where it just felt like the time in college he had downed way too much caffeine after pulling three straight all-nighters, and not because he had a paper to finish. This time, it had been on a camping trip with friends, and it had been the highlight of his college career. Drinking, telling stories, spending time with people - and best of all, the thick brush meant that for most of the time, the man in the suit had been partially obscured so Ryan could almost forget he was there.

  “Okay. I’m good. Wow.” He stood up on his own again, then gave a bit of a shiver.

  “Right? It’s a good look on you, too.”

  He glanced down. His arms were thicker and the musculature was more defined, and his gut was pulled back under his shirt. He hadn’t been in terrible shape, just the general pudginess you get when your metabolism slows down but you don’t change your diet or exercise at all. Holy shit. All those fad diets, all those unused gym memberships, and all of a sudden I look like...this? He looked up at Crystal with eyes wide and full of wonder. “Squeezing a universe made me ripped?”

  She laughed at that for a couple moments, wiping her eyes after she did so. “Not exactly. You’re getting the ability to impose your will on reality. And most beings, first thing they do - subconsciously - is turn themselves into an idealized version of what they look like. Later on you’ll have more control over it. For now…” Her eyes sparkled. “Squeezing a universe made you ripped.”

  “Oh.” A thought crossed his mind as he pulled himself back together from regaining awareness and then the rush of squeezing the nanoverse. “Wait. Hang on. What the hell was that thing?”

  “I told you, it was a Hecatoncheires.” Crystal said, if that explained...well, as if that explained anything.

  “Pretend I don’t know what that means,” Ryan said, feeling a slight annoyance at yet another non-answer from his companion.

  “It’s a giant bloody beasty with a hundred hands. The Greeks thought they were as dangerous a bloody titan, but they were wrong.”

  “So on top of gods, monsters are real?” Ryan asked, wondering if he was ever going to run out of bad news to receive.

  “Oh, of course. The details don’t matter, love, not really. Roll with it for now?”

  Ryan’s nostrils flared at the catchphrase, but he pushed it aside. “Fine. If there was a Hecatoncheires here, couldn’t we still be in danger?”

  She shook her head. “Was wondering how long it would take you to think of that. No worries, love, I checked while you were having your nap. We’re clear.”

  The tension that had sprung up faded away. “That’s…thanks.”

  She cocked her head at him. “Ryan. You’re on another world, just watched me kill a giant, and got your first taste of the rest of your life and seemed to like it. Why the bloody hell are you all frowns and brooding all of a sudden?”

  “It’s just…” He chewed his lip for a moment. “I felt powerful, when I got that energy. Powerful enough to do anything. Leap a tall building, run a marathon, and slay a dragon – all at the same time,” She kept her head cocked and quirked an eyebrow. “Powerful enough to end the world,” he finished.

  “Oh.” She nodded and put a hand on his shoulder. “Try not to let it get to you, yeah?”

  “The fact that I’m going to end the world? How the hell do you not let that get to you?” Images had been flashing through his mind. Some were big and terrifying. His sister, burning in some kind of nuclear fire. His friends from college running screaming from a tidal wave that had swept miles inland. Scenes drawn straight from one of Roland Emmerich’s fever dreams, nightmares of crowds of people fleeing a disaster that they could never escape. Bruce Willis wouldn’t take the drill to space; Will Smith wouldn’t fly Jeff Goldblum into the alien mothership. On top of that, little things. Never knowing how the Marvel movies ended. Not getting to find out what successor to Dark Souls came out. Not getting to see how A Song of Ice and Fire finished.

  Granted, that last one might not happen either way, but still.

  “You roll with it. All you can do.”

  “I know you said that, but Crystal…can I avoid it?”

  She sighed. “Way to ruin the moment, Ryan.” There wasn’t any actual anger in her tone. “Technically, you can, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Things get ugly if you do.”

  “How?”

  “This is one of those things where I can’t explain how. You won’t understand enough. But short version? And you won’t ask any more questions about it for now?” He nodded. “If you don’t end the world, my little Eschaton, then the world dies.”

  He felt himself blink, opened his mouth, remembered he had agreed not to ask any more questions, and closed it. Then he opened it anyway. “That’s not a fair answer, that doesn’t make any damn sense. If I don’t end the world than it dies? How is that an okay answer to that question?”

  Crystal took a deep breath. Not a sigh, more like she was bracing herself. “You know what, love, you might be right. Might. But our
time isn’t infinite, and right now I’m the only friend you have. So can you please accept that for now and give me a sodding inch of trust?”

  Ryan felt he’d been fairly trusting so far but raised his hands in submission. “Okay. I guess that’ll make more sense when I understand more.”

  “Yeah, too right it will. Glad to see you’re catching on.” She forced a smile back on her face, and Ryan acknowledged the olive branch with a grin of his own. “So instead of focusing on that, why don’t we head to Earth? It’s been long enough Enki has got to be thrown off your trail, yeah? Let’s see what you can do, now that you’ve seen the math.”

  Ryan considered for a moment. The idea of putting himself back in Enki’s line of sight was enough to make him start to breath heavier, to start feeling his heart rate accelerate. On other other hand, he’d have Crystal with him. He’d seen her take out the Hecatoncheires like it was nothing. Surely, she could take on Enki if he pops up. “If you’re sure it’s safe.”

  “Of course I am,” she said brightly, grabbing his hand. “Time flows funny; it’s been a week back in the Core world, so he’s probably buggered off to do something else. Come on, let’s go.”

  And before he could try to ask any more questions – and get told to roll with it, he was sure – he was getting dragged back to the doorway to the planetarium ship.

  Chapter 5

  A Storm Gathers

  When Ryan stepped out of the door again, it wasn’t into a city at all. The door now lead out the back of a highway gas station, a run-down one near a sign saying Kansas City - 180 mi. The gas station was old and run down - not the complete run-down that comes from being abandoned, but the one that comes from low business, minimal visibility, and an absolute lack of shits being given.

  He glanced up, and instead of the stained-glass sky of Cipher Nullity, there were clouds that loomed over the landscape, trying their best to hug the terrain. He glanced back to the planetarium ship. “You take me to the nicest places.”

  Crystal gave him a kind smile that was offset by an extended middle finger. The gesture reminded Ryan of his sister so much that he felt disconnected from reality for a moment, wondering how she was doing. I never did send her that keychain. Crystal shattered the recollection with a word, snapping him back to the present. “Look,” she said, lowering her hand. She’d been pointing at something, and Ryan had missed what it was. “We need to help you harness your power, yeah? Well, this was the best place to do that right now.” She pointed at the clouds. “What do you see?”

  He stared at them as Crystal exited the doorway as well. “Clouds. They’re cumolulus, I think.”

  “Cumolulus? It’s cumulus, love.”

  Ryan shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck. “I...I only know the one word for clouds.” She raised her eyebrow at him. “Fine. I only kinda know the one word.”

  “Look again. Harder this time.”

  “What does that even mean? Just stare longer?”

  Crystal shook her head. “No. Focus more on what you’re seeing.”

  So he did. At first he just felt silly, staring at the clouds, like a kid trying to find shapes in them. One was a bunny, that was a duck, that one looked horribly like one of the hands that had tried to crush Crystal earlier, and that one looked like a series of symbols and Greek letters because it wasn’t a cloud, it was an equation being imposed on top of the clouds.

  It took a moment for the equation to become clear. He watched, mesmerized as it took shape. The fluid density of the air being multiplied by its velocity and volume as a starting point, then branching out to factor in the exchange of hot air and cold in an upward rush. I’m seeing vortex formation in real time! Fluid dynamics playing out in the sky! It’s amazing, it’s incredible - Ryan blinked a couple of times as reality pushed away math.

  “Uh, Crystal? A tornado is forming,” he said, his throat horse with the effort of just seeing and understanding the math in the sky. She nodded beside him.

  “Don’t worry, love, that’s why I brought you here.”

  “You brought me to watch a tornado form?” Ryan asked, his voice cracking. Multi-handed monsters were one thing, but this was something else. Ryan had grown up in Tornado Alley. The destruction they could unleash was something tangible and real, something he’d seen yearly on the news. The fact that he was now standing right under one as it formed was something he’d never wanted to imagine, let alone experience.

  “Relax, love. You’re more than just a bag of meat and bones now, yeah? You’re a god. Take a deep breath and think about the sodding maths.”

  Ryan did as she instructed. At least the math was calming as he tried to force himself back into that mindset. “Okay,” he said after a moment, “I see it again.”

  “It’ll take some time, but eventually you’ll be able to do that with just a glance. But right now, the fact that you see it is enough, yeah?”

  “Enough for what?”

  “Enough for you to stop it.”

  That broke his concentration and he looked at her, his eyes wide and round. “You want me to stop a tornado?”

  She chuckled at his expression. “Pretty much, yeah. It’s a good starting point - natural forces bow most easily to us.”

  “Okay. And...how do I stop it?”

  “How do you move your arm, love?” She shrugged. “It’s just like that. There’s a science behind it, but that’ll just get in the way of things, and…”

  “...and my brain isn’t ready to understand it, right?”

  She beamed at him. “Glad you’re paying attention. So...go ahead. Focus, and try and stop it.”

  Ryan looked at her, back to the clouds, and then back to her. She motioned for him to go ahead. “You’ve got another minute before it really gets going, so I suggest you get a bloody move on.”

  He turned back to the sky, pinpointing what would be the heart of the vortex. He extended his hand - it felt right - and spread his fingers in a claw gesture, like something from a movie. His heart was pounding in his chest. I’m trying to stop a tornado, a goddamn tornado, by throwing math at it? The equations started to slip away, and Ryan began to feel like none of the past day had happened. That he was alone and frightened and out of his depth, followed by a man in a suit, a borderline nervous wreck. Right before the anxiety consumed him, he felt a glimmer of that power again. Get it together, Ryan, he chided himself. Get your shit together, or people are going to die. One of them will probably be you.

  For a few moments, nothing happened...but then he began to feel a tingle in his fingertips. Like they had fallen asleep, but even more aggressive. That feeling started to grow further out of his fingers, like a phantom limb, but racing up to the sky.

  Those phantom fingers began to plunge into the clouds. They weren’t touching the clouds, although it seemed like they should be. Instead, he could feel them contacting the numbers, like the equations were physical things he could shape like clay. I need to change...no, I can’t just change the variable, and I can’t just decrease the mass. Mass is a constant, I don’t think I can just make it go away. He made a mental note to ask Crystal if he could at some point, but for now he needed to do something to reduce the forces involved. Then it struck him. Don’t remove numbers, add them. He began sticking fractions in front of the velocity, halving it at first - it was all he could manage - but then reducing it by a third, a fourth, a fifth. Ryan felt a thrill run through him. He was actually doing it! He was actually manipulating a forming tornado.

  “See, love? Not hard at all.”

  Crystal really had a gift for understatement, possibly born of her fake British stiff upper lip. Sure, it was as natural as moving his arms, but it was as easy as moving them with half ton weights strapped to them. He could feel beads of sweat forming on his forehead, and his knees trembling. Every time he changed a variable, the natural order started pushing it back into place, like reality knew what was supposed to happen here and didn’t like being told differently.

  “Keep pu
shing. It’s like any other muscle - the harder you work it, the stronger it gets.” She put a hand on his shoulder. “And when you pass out, don’t worry, it’s expected.”

  Oh goody, I have that to look forward to. It almost managed to sour the joy of manipulating a literal tornado. The constant passing out was becoming a bore he was getting utterly sick of, but he did he best to push those concerns aside. He would pass out, fine. But not until after he beat one of the deadliest weather events known to man into submission by manipulating math in the sky. That’s something to be proud of. Focus on that.

  It was a back and forth, but with every second he got quicker, and the numbers were changing under his manipulation slower than they were for reality. Inch by inch, variable by variable, the natural forces began to obey him, the pocket of heat that was shooting upwards dispersing before it began to twist. “I got it! I’ve got it!”

  Crystal clapped her hands in excitement. “Good show! Keep at-”

  Without warning, the variables started to change faster than he could manipulate them again, faster than he could even follow. “I don’t got it!” The forces were pushing back against him. They were acting - and that word send a lance of panic coursing through him. Because they were acting. They had agency. Crystal frowned beside him.

  “Ryan, stop! It’s not natural, someone is pushing back.” She raised her own hand as she said it, twisting against the aggressive forces. Variables he had been struggling with started to ripple under her fingers, warping to obey her will, but still the changes came quicker and quicker, until Crystal was actively struggling against the brute force pushing the tornado into place.

  “Guess that’s my cue,” a voice said. A low, dull voice. From around the corner of the gas station stepped a huge brute of a man, one massive arm raised towards the sky. Tiny eyes peered out from beneath a jutting brow.

  “Enki,” Crystal hissed, as Ryan felt his vision began to grow black.