Weird Theology

by Alex Raizman

  Athena raised her sword and led the assault, twisting reality as she did. She formed a cone of air in front of her, an artificial shockwave that moved with her footsteps. Behind her she heard the sound of hundreds of demonic hooves, all of them straining to keep pace with her stride.

  Bast’s army of varcolaci stopped. The beast-men began to howl like wolves, a battle cry that cut deep through Athena’s logic and reason and reached straight into the part of her brain that, thousands of years ago, had still just been human and had known that sound meant death was coming. Bast was shouting orders to them, but over the din of Athena’s demons it was impossible to make out what she was saying. It didn’t matter. Right now all that mattered was the charge.

  Ashtaroth was beside her. As they closed in on the battle, the polite, quiet, obedient demon she’d known up until then began to fade away. His eyes burned with hellfire, and his face was contorted in a savage grin. He met the varcolaci roars with a scream of his own, and it sounded like the screams of the damned. Other demons picked up the sound, until the island was filled with both the howls of wolves and demonic screeching.

  The varcolaci began to bunch up. Athena did not give her demons the order to break ranks, to form up into a unified line. Instead they were a spearhead, aimed directly at the center of the varcolaci mass.

  Bast was smirking. She thinks I’ve lost my edge, that I’m committing my troops to a suicide run.

  Bast would have been right, if Athena’s plan had been a head on charge. Those kind of tactics were the things born of Hollywood. The grand melee looked great on film, but in reality, it just meant chaos. Real warfare depended on strategy, tactics, and discipline.

  “Archers!” Athena shouted. Those demons, roughly half her army, stopped moving, and began to redeploy to open fire. “Volley!”

  Demonic arrows arched into the air in single mass. They trailed black smoke behind them, and they struck the varcolaci like a mass of swarming bees.

  Athena saw them hit, saw the enemy stumble to their knees - and then saw them get up. As she watched, one of the varcolaci pulled an arrow out of his flesh. Another had one punched through his eye and he left it there. Bast gave the order to charge, and the surge of monsters ran to meet the army of demons.

  Every pounding footstep brought Athena closer, and just before she reached the front of the varcolaci army, she dropped her twist. The air she had bunched in front of her slammed into the varcolaci, even bowling some over.

  At the same time, she and her army vanished.

  “No!” Bast screamed, realizing too late what had happened.

  One hundred yards to the east of the dropped illusion, the actual thrust of demons, with Athena still at its head, rushed forward. Athena’s column pushed around the Varcolaci flank. At the same time, the archers threw down their bows to meet the foe with blades drawn. The varcolaci started to wheel to face Athena’s forces.

  Then she snapped her fingers and the ground erupted under the enemy’s feet.

  The combination of explosions and a broken formation meant the varcolaci were already falling into disarray, and her troops’ spearhead formation allowed Athena to push past the monsters and face her real target.

  Demons and monsters both could kill gods. But if only one side had a god, that side would hold the real advantage.

  Athena charged straight for Bast, who raised her pistols in defiance. Shots rang out. Athena dodged to the side, zig-zagging erratically, making herself a harder target. Then they were in melee. Athena's sword flashed down, but Bast blocked it with her right pistol, bringing the left in an arc towards Athena's face. A quick flick of Athena's sword and the left-hand pistol's shot went wild, but that gave Bast a chance to bring the right one back in line for a shot…

  Athena knew she couldn't make a mistake here. If she could deflect every shot for just a bit, Bast would have to reload. But if she missed even one, it would be the end of her.

  Steel rang against steel, each time just a fraction of a second before the report of gunfire. Athena's ears started to ring from the sound even when there was no clash of metal, but she pushed that aside, ignoring everything but Bast's eyes and guns, until, finally - click.

  The moment the guns clicked empty, Athena brought her sword in towards Bast’s neck. The other woman jerked her head back and tossed the guns aside. Now she was on the defensive, dodging and weaving between Athena's blows.

  "If I didn't know better, Athena, I'd think you'd taken me stabbing you in the back and shooting your boyfriend in head personally." Despite being forced back with every strike, Bast was grinning. "But then again, you don't have feelings, do you?"

  Athena didn't rise to the bait, instead keeping her assault up. But Bast had the reflexes to back up her cat-like reputation, and Athena found herself menacing only air with each blow.

  Stars of Olympus, she’s fast! Athena spun around as Bast landed behind her, her sword out for a wide strike. Bast leaned back under the blow, springing up to fire two rounds at Athena. It was an effort to roll away before Bast could pull the triggers, and one of the bullets grazed Athena’s cheek. She winced at the pain but was too wrapped up in the movement to even flinch.

  Instead, Athena continued the roll, coming up on Bast’s side. Athena lashed out with her blade in a quick thrust, but Bast was already moving, jumping over the blade with an easy grace, high enough that Athena couldn’t redirect the sword. The next two bullets almost struck home. Athena had been too off balance to dodge - if Bast had opted for something less showy than a backflip, she might have managed to put some rounds into Athena.

  This won’t just be settled with flesh and steel, Athena realized, and she twisted her hand, trying to impede Bast's movements - but the other woman was able to focus entirely on her protection, and she countered, undoing the changes to reality as quickly as Athena wove them. Their fight had taken them out of the bulk of the army. Bast flipped away, getting enough clear space to reach into her nanoverse and pull out a sword of her own.

  To her side, in the corner of her eye, Athena could see a pair of Varcolaci that had leapt over the demons’ lines tear into one of her soldiers. Ashtaroth was suddenly there in a flash of hellfire, slicing into the enemy. Ignore it, Athena. You have your own battle.

  Now the ringing returned as Bast began to parry Athena's blows, and Athena had to return the favor. They were evenly matched in this - at least, as long as Bast kept backing away. Eventually you'll run out of space. Eventually I will get you.

  "You didn't even flinch when I shot him in the head. Barely even blinked when his brains splattered across the street. Did he really mean nothing to you? Or are you just a sociopath?"

  "Shut. Up." Athena hated letting even that slip, but the woman's barbs were beginning to land.

  "Oh, you can speak! Lovely." Bast brought her sword down in an overhead blow that Athena deflected, giving her an opening to kick Bast in the gut and - for a moment - silence her. Athena tried to take advantage of the blow but Bast was already twisting away.

  "Were you lovers? You two had been travelling together for so long, and-" whatever Bast was about to say was cut off by a grunt of pain as Athena landed a blow, slicing a six-inch furrow in Bast's bicep.

  Bast again flipped away to get more distance between them, her free hand going over to injury to stem the red flow. She hissed in pain. "I’m glad you slipped past the varcolaci," Bast said, ducking under another blow. Her eyes flashed in a combination of anger and pain. "Makes this personal. This is between you and me."

  Athena didn't care. She'd drawn first blood, Bast had dropped her guard, and she readied herself to finally land a killing blow…

  Before Athena could bring the sword down, the ground erupted beneath her feet. Athena was thrown backwards, landing on the stony ground hard enough to send a jolt of agony through her back. Athena did her best to push down the pain and roll away from the source of the disturbance as a massive serpent came out into the open. Its scales were pale green, and its two clawed
hands were large enough to wrap around Athena in a single grab. No, no no no. Please don’t let that thing be what I think it is. It was a lindworm, that much Athena was sure of. What terrified her wasn’t the ferocity of the beast or the threat it posed - both of which she knew were considerable - but what it might mean.

  The serpent hissed in fury as Athena scrambled to her feet, which felt suddenly heavy with dread.

  "Well," said Bast, her grin returning, "between you and me and Týr. Say hi to Athena, Týr!"

  Athena’s heart dropped. Týr... The lindworm was all was left of him. Athena had known she’d lost him, but...but this was proof. Ever since the Empyrean Provocation, a small part of her had hoped that Uzeme was right. That Týr had been allowed to resurrect and was being held captive, that she could show up after this was all done and free him. They’d have a good laugh about it.

  But now that the Lindworm was here, Athena had proof that would never happen. She’d never see Týr again. All that was left was this monster that was a defilement of everything Týr had ever cared about.

  The lindworm reared back and opened its jaws. For a moment, grief held Athena in place as she watched it prepare to unleash whatever substance it could muster. Unlike dragons, lindworms did not breathe fire - instead, it spat a line of acid at Athena. Move it, soldier! Athena snapped at herself. The living still rely on you. The thought almost came too late - she had to scramble in a rush out of the way, diving behind a boulder large enough to shield her as the acid splashed where she had just been standing.

  "Aww, I think he missed you," Bast taunted, reaching into her nanoverse to pull out a fresh pistol. Athena was glad to see that the injured arm hung limply at Bast’s side - she must have cut the muscle badly. Just not enough to get Bast to cease her endless prattle. "Since you're about to die, any last words you want to say to your ex?"

  Athena could smell and hear the rock dissolving under the acidic spray of the Lindworm that had been Týr.

  "No," Athena said, loudly enough for Bast to hear. "My friend is dead. I have nothing to say to the abomination that was spawned from him."

  "Pity, that. Oh well," Athena could hear Bast cocking the pistol, "guess it's time for you to die, then."

  ◆◆◆

  "Go!" Athena said, much to Crystal's relief. "I'll hold them here!"

  She didn't waste any time, giving Athena only a quick nod and bolting off after Ryan. Athena can hold her own against Bast. As strong as Enki is, he'll bloody kill Ryan if I don't get there.

  For a moment, Crystal considered taking off flying after Enki. The act of flying was fairly simple for anyone who'd finished apotheosis - once your brain wrapped itself around the fact that you could fly, it was easy to figure out how to do so, but it was a massive drain of power - one that Enki could apparently afford. Or he's gone absolutely mad. She dearly hoped for the latter - if he wasn't as strong as he seemed, he'd burn himself out before he could do too much harm.

  If she wanted to, flying fast enough to catch up to them in time to save Ryan's life would be easy. However, she wouldn't have anywhere near the strength to pull off the rescue when she got there. Just have to hope Ryan can hold on.

  She had to swing wide to avoid the varcolaci, but a few of them broke off from the main army to follow. "Oh come off it!" she shouted over her shoulder. "I don't want to deal with you wankers!"

  Unfortunately, it would take more than the most British insult she knew to discourage her attackers. Annoyed, she reached into her nanoverse for weaponry. And it won't be a bloody stick. Poor bastard. She drew out a pair of short swords and kept running, waiting for the swifter monsters to catch up to her.

  After a few seconds, the first one did, leaping into the air with an animalistic snarl. Crystal leapt to the side as it landed, swinging her sword. It bit into the varcolac's neck, and Crystal found herself down a foe. As much as the quick victory elated her, it also stopped her forward momentum, allowing the other four to close the gap between them.

  "Come on, then, loves. Who wants to die next?" She grinned, hiding the pounding she felt in her chest. The delay was taking too long, she wouldn't get to Ryan in time…

  As the varcolaci closed back in, she realized the problem was time. She didn't have enough of it, not with Ryan facing off against Enki. Varcolaci were not things to trifle with - she’d seen them tear apart gods before. If she took too long, by the time she dealt with them Ryan would be dead. As much as she wanted to save her energy, she had to burn some power. Even then, it might not be enough.

  Then the time for fear had passed.

  She ducked under a narrow strike from a varcolac sword. Instead of dodging back into the waiting strike of another, she pushed forward, tackling the varcolac. Her momentum caught it off guard, and they went tumbling to the dirt. Crystal raised her sword to bring it down on her opponent's head, but the other varcolaci were ready. A sword sliced across her back. Crystal hissed in pain and rolled off the one she had tackled. Her foot lashed out in a kick, a blow that shattered something in the thing’s leg. She got a howl of pain for her effort, which made her grin savagely.

  Unfortunately, that kick meant she was still on the ground when the other one dove in. Crystal brought her blade up to parry the overhand blow. They stood there for a moment, Varcolaci sword bearing down on her face. She could feel herself bleeding into the ground. No. Crystal began to push back, as hard as she could. “I am not some...petty mortal prey…” she hissed.

  The uninjured Varcolaci came around the side and lashed out at Crystal’s wrists. At the same time, she kicked up at the one over her, sending it flying back. The newest strike still managed to bite into her arms, but she moved away enough that it was a shallow slice.

  Her blade still almost slipped from her fingers. She held onto it and leapt away from her attackers, forcing them to charge her again.

  Oh damnit, the third one’s already back up. Whatever she had done to it, it had healed before she could do anything more. Not enough time. Time’s the problem. She smiled at her opponents as she realized that it also could be the solution and twisted an equation.

  Time dilation was a nasty side effect of trying to travel close to the speed of light. The closer you got, the slower time passed for an outside observer. If you got close to the speed of light, the rate of time got close to zero. Crystal took that equation in a small area surrounding the varcolaci and removed the speed of light, replacing the blistering pace of 299,792,458 m/s with a much more sedate 1 cm/year.

  The result? Each varcolac froze in place, unable to move even an inch. If they were gods, they could have undone the effect in a matter of seconds - a temporary inconvenience at worst. Since they were not, however, they would remain frozen until the edit she made was corrected.

  I...am really bloody glad that worked, she thought, though she didn't take any time to admire her handiwork. Her back was bleeding from the shallow cut, her wrists were aching from their own slice, and Ryan was still in danger. She took off again, headed towards where she had seen Enki and Ryan impact the ground.

  As she drew closer, she heard the most beautiful sound that ever could have reached her ears - Enki letting out a bellow of pain. Ryan was still alive and still in the fight. Unfortunately, before she could get much further she saw Ryan's limp body go airborne, where it impacted the wall of Enki's castle with enough force to crack the stones before Ryan collapsed to the ground.

  She saw Enki take to the air to follow Ryan. Screw it. At this point, it wouldn't matter how weak she was - now speed was the only thing that mattered. She took off, changing the direction and strength gravity pulled her to variables she could alter at her whim. Her swords were held before her, and she silently begged the universe for Enki to be caught unaware, so she could just impale him and be done with it.

  The universe heard her plea and decided that she could just sod off. Enki twisted out of the way at the last second, and while Crystal was able to get a good slice off, it didn't have anywhere near the stopping power s
he had hoped for.

  "Well well well, Ishtar! So glad you could join us! Was worried no one was going to get to see me tear the Eschaton to little pieces."

  Crystal arrested her flight, zeroing out gravity's pull so she could float across from Enki. "Come off it, love, you’re better than these lame taunts.”

  Enki snarled. It had an interesting effect on his face, with one eye fully gouged out. Guess I know why he screamed now, yeah? "I am not the villain here, Ishtar," he spat, infusing her name with more venom than she’d ever heard from him. "I'm going to save the world from you! I'm the goddamn hero!"

  "You damn idiot! If you kill Ryan, the bloody sun explodes. There won't be a world to save!" Crystal knew they were both stalling for time. She was hoping Ryan would get up to turn this into a two on one. Enki was probably hoping she'd wear herself out with the mid-air banter.

  The snarl that had crossed Enki's face earlier turned into a smile. "You don't know a thing, not a single thing. You could have been a part of it, Ishtar. You didn't have to work with the Eschaton." His voice was almost soft.

  "No, Enki. I can't watch the world burn." She glanced down. Ryan was wasn't moving, and she was going to wear herself out. Stalling wasn't an option anymore.

  "You wouldn't have to. I figured out a way to merge nanoverses. Ishtar, I did it! I can save everyone. Once I’ve merged enough nanoverses, we won’t need an Eschaton. I can hold back the sun!”

  For a moment Crystal was Ishtar again, back in Enki’s staging area, Enki’s hand outstretched asking for her nanoverse. She saw in his eyes that same madness and the same hope she had seen then.